SURVIVING INFIDELITY: How do we move on?

Stepping out, having an affair, or straight-up cheating...By whatever phrase you call it the pain of infidelity cuts deep. The question is this: Is it a deal breaker? There is no easy answer.  For some women, it is most certainly the key to losing your key to the house. You are out--not just now, but right now! Yet for others the emotional, financial and spiritual investment exceed the cost of separating.  If you are convicted that cheating is cause to head for the exit doors, no one would blame you. I truly don't have a judgement either way.  However, this article is dedicated to giving those couples who want to stay together a map for surviving infidelity--Yes, it is possible.

I have been counseling couples for many years and the only sure thing that I have seen is that there are no guarantees.  However I would like to offer some survival guidelines for the individual committing the violation, the unsuspecting partner on the receiving end, and the couple as a unit.

Now before I delve into the infidelity survival guide, I want to spend a brief moment on the question that is always at the top of the list for the unknowing mate, "Why did she do this?" I must admit--if I were a cartoon character there would be a thought balloon over my head with a dog chasing its tail in it, every time I heard this question. It is never ending...And the truth is that there is no satisfactory answer as to why your mate would choose to share intimacy with someone else.  Rest assured there is always an answer, but it will never be "good enough". So my advice is to not spend too much time pontificating the "why".  Nevertheless, for the sake of due diligence, I will say there are lots of reasons that affairs happen.  Here are a few:

• Escape--There are many ways to check out of a relationship, including sleep, busyness, food, anger, and cheating.  Sometimes people are unable to confront the emotional truth of being unhappy, so instead they check out.
• Lack of sex--Sex is an essential element of a healthy relationship.  If your relationship is void of  intimacy and sex it will not negate your mate's need for it.
• Attention and insecurity--When a person doesn't feel validated or desired, real or imagined, they will seek that basic human need elsewhere (remember, perception is reality).
• Choice--The bottom line is that whatever the "reason" for the indiscretion, the only real reason that people have affairs is because they choose to do so--Plain and simple.  They may have felt at a loss for other possibilities to get their needs met, but it is still a choice.  The good news is that when we understand the power of choice, then we are empowered.  We are empowered because we can always make a different choice.

So now that we have covered the inevitable question of "why", let's get to the 7 tips for saving your relationship.  We know that more than 50% of committed couples cheat, according to even the most modest statistics.  Therefore you are not alone in facing this dilemma and recovering to something even better than before the dreaded violation of infidelity.  With the investment of kids, a house, memories, extended family and valuable time, sometimes staying is worth the effort. SharRon and I are wholly committed to sharing tools to empower couples to flourish.  To that end, here are 7 tips as a guide for SURVIVING INFIDELITY:

1. It is not your fault that she cheated: That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach soon turns to guilt, resentment and self-blame for many unsuspecting partners.  That is an affect of our egos. We think it has something to do with us--what we did or didn't do...Not so! As I stated earlier, an affair has accountability but you are not responsible for the poor choices your mate makes. We are each only responsible for our own actions.  It is not your fault!
2. Get honest with yourself: If you are the one who committed the deed, then you are responsible for exploring what is missing in your own heart and mind that led you to this choice.  You are further responsible for sharing that truth with your partner.  Not confronting your truth is what got you in this predicament.  Don't let it destroy everything. And be ready to completely let the object of your misguided affection go. Your mate deserves your loyalty and undivided attention as you heal.
3. Forgiveness must be at the end of the road: I know there is a part of some women that just wants revenge.  I promise you it doesn't work.  It only complicates things beyond what is already complex.  It is also a selfish act that doesn't consider the other hearts that will get tangled up in your mess. Revenge is ineffective, but forgiveness is sustaining.  It takes time but it pays off in emotional dividends.  It is a gift you will give each other because if you are going to move on together, you cannot revisit this pain forever.  
4. You will need support: This is one time that I highly recommend counseling.  If you all could do it on your own--well, you wouldn't be here. A trained professional can help you see beyond the pain.
5. Be very careful about sharing your situation outside of your relationship: Look, everyone needs someone with whom they can share their feelings.  However those who love you may have a difficult time accepting your decision to stay and certainly forgiving your partner.  It is important not to isolate yourself from loved ones, but it is equally important to only share with those willing to respect your decision--even if they don't agree.
6. Replenish the Love Bank: Infidelity takes a substantial withdrawal from the emotional love bank.  It must be replenished with accountability of time, no secrets, talking and sharing without being prompted and quality time. Don't let the affair steal more than it already has.
7. Honest communication is paramount: Now is not the time to hold back. At the same time don't ask questions to which you really don't want the answers.  Questions like, "Was she better than me?", are fruitless and will not ever garner the right answer.  Don't stay there. Getting beyond this situation is not a one-time conversation.  It is not a sprint...It is a journey.  You can give yourself time to be angry and hurt but don't make yourself a victim. Be empowered by your decision to choose LOVE.

Hopefully you never need this article for your personal life.  However if you do, I hope it offers you some support and solace. There is so much meat on this bone, so stay tuned as SharRon and I continue to explore the topics of Recovery and Reconciliation.  We look forward to seeing you on July 20th at Unveiling The Stud Mystique. In the meantime, I wish you all great success as you embark on your journey to CREATE LOVE.

Nya Akoma (Take Heart),
Imani Evans, MA
www.createloveforwomen.com
imani@surviving2thriving.org
www.surviving2thriving.org
http://selfcarefordynamicwomen.blogspot.com

HAPPY SINGLE HIGHLIGHT: Bunnie Satshell

Bunnie Satshell

District of Columbia

Since you have been single, what have you learned about yourself?

I have learned that it is okay to be by myself.  Honestly, I love the space that I am in.  This is the best that I have felt in a long time, because I found ME, and I love ME. I used to be terrified of being by myself, terrified of going to parties alone or going without having someone on my arm.  I am not sure why but I thought someone always had to be there with me or in my life, period.  I have not been in relationship since 2010, and I am okay with that.  I have learned and enjoyed that it is okay to be with ME, just ME. 

 

How have you used your “single” time to learn/grow/explore? I have used this time to heal from old wounds, some wounds caused by me, some not caused by me. But whatever the case, I’ve learned the importance of taking the time to heal.

I am also learning the importance of balance and peace in my life.  What I mean is for a while I wanted to be included in every “get together”, every cookout, every house party, happy hour function, etc.  I thought if I wasn’t there I would miss out on something, or something was wrong with me if I don’t attend.  It was like trying to rush to be a part of everything and please everyone.  It was exhausting! 

However, my ME time is great too and sometimes I really needed more than anything else.  Now, I find pleasure in being still, enjoying small things, and “chill-laxing” in my hot tub or on my patio watching birds and butterflies. I enjoy reflecting on my past, my present and my future.  Since being single, I have found a new me. I have started to do things for me- pampering myself, setting new goals, and working on new projects.  I am in such a good space right now and I love it.

What are you doing now to prepare yourself for a healthy relationship? Well, I guess you can say that I am preparing myself for a healthy relationship. But I would prefer to look at it as - I have made me healthier and happier for ME, not anyone else but ME.  The way that I look at things now and the way that I approach things now will help me be more aware of the type of woman I allow to come into my life and share my space.  In the past, I may not have been as prudent and as selective. But the joy and growth that I feel now will make me more selective with whom I choose to date

What books would you recommend to other single women who are also in the “finding ME” process? So to make ME healthier and happier, I have read self help books like: “The Four Agreements”, The Five Love Languages”, “The Mastery of Love.” Also, I started keeping a journal for the first time in my life and found that writing things down really, really does helps.

What areas do you tend to struggle with most in relationships? I struggle with forgiveness. Allowing

myself to forgive someone, anyone - a lover, friend, co-worker, family… is something that I have to work on.  I struggle with carrying that hurt and disappointment with me, and that is not healthy. My pattern is - once someone betrays my trust it really is a deal breaker for me. But, I am learning to be more open to their explanations and their perspectives regarding the decisions that they made. 

What has helped you in your quest to understand forgiveness? Reading the Four Agreements has help me so much and my two favorite agreements are, “Be Impeccable with your word”, and “Don’t Take Anything Personal”.  I love it.  I recognize my struggle and shortcomings and I want to get better and I will.  Everybody deserves at least a listening ear; not sure if everybody deserves forgiveness, but I working on that part J.

What characteristics and traits do you find most compatible? Which ones are most problematic and why? The characteristics/ traits that I find MOST compatible – honesty, integrity, respect, financial stability, authenticity. The characteristics / traits that I find MOST problematic – lack of honesty, integrity, respect, financial stability, and lack of authenticity (LOL).  When I ask my partner or the person I am dating to be honest, I want her look me in my face and tell me the truth. Don’t sugar coat it; don’t lie. Give me the truth.  When I ask for integrity that means the ability to do the right thing when I am not looking and when I am not there with you.  Like I said, it seems simple to ask for that from someone, but it seems hard as hell to get.

What do you love about love? I love the warmth, the security, the cuddling, and the mutual agreement of “I will take care of you Baby, and you will take care of me”.  That is all I ask for out of Love. And of course the GREAT, AWESOME all night sex !!!!!  When I am in a relationship, I enjoy making love & I enjoy quickie sexcapades; but I really love cuddling all the time, no exceptions.

What has being in a relationship taught you about you? I should always be myself, and not settle. I should be more open to her point of view. It has also taught me to pay attention to those initial warning signs of crazzyyyyy (lol). I haven’t always listened to my inner voice and not listening has cost me in the end.  We know crazy when we see it, but I guess we (me) let other things get in the way, like she looks good, the sex is good, etc.

What do you admire about yourself? I am very goal driven. When I say I am going to accomplish something, it gets done - not half way, but all the way to the end. I am proud of the accomplishments that I have made in my career – such as earning my Master’s Degree and excelling at the top in my career field. I admire that nothing stops me for doing what I want to do.

How would your friends describe you? I am really not sure how to answer this one. I am not sure how my friends would describe me, but my hope is that they would take the time to get to know me better. I am also learning that all friends don’t have the same purpose or role in my life. Some may be friends that I just hang out with, but not share my inner thoughts with. Then there are others who have a purpose/role to help me learn and grow. I am learning what role that some friends play in my life, and I am learning to just take people for who they are.

What do you like to do for fun and why?

I have a motorcycle, a Honda CBR F4i 600, that I like to ride.  I like all water activity. I like to swim, and I am getting my certification in scuba diving in the next few months.  I love to travel. I’ve been to St Croix, Bermuda, Gran Cayman Islands, Bahamas, Mexico, Jamaica, Canada, France, Honduras, Belize, Columbia, Venezuela, Nicaragua, and Urguay.

What is your love language and how did you learn that about yourself?

I have two love languages that tied - Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service.  Words of Affirmation because I want acknowledgement. I need to hear that you appreciate what I am providing, doing or giving to you. Affirmation is BIG with me.  Acts of service, because I am a giver, a care taker, and I need it reciprocated.

Finish this sentence…..before I die I want to: Before, I die I want to be in love - a real, forever, true, genuine and sweet love that knocks me off my feet every time I look at her, and every time we make love.  That’s what I want before I die.

How important is spirituality to you? It is extremely important, I am truly BLESSED in my life. I have a great lifestyle, a great career, a family that loves me, good health and I recognize that it is all possible because of my love and acknowledgement to GOD.   I hear people say they fear GOD. I don’t understand that. I love GOD. I talk to GOD all day every day, all throughout the day. I carry faith with me everywhere I go and with every endeavor that I pursue. My grandparents raised me in Sunday school, church and vocational bible school. I appreciate that. That teaching at such a young age has stayed with me and shaped me into the woman that I am today.  But like I said earlier, still working on that forgiveness part J.

What important lesson did you learn from your mother that has helped you in life and in relationships? My mother is my friend and my rock. I don’t know what I would do without her. I love her very much, but I can’t say that I’ve learned anything from her about relationships.  If anything, without being disrespectful, I’ve learned (…and I am still learning) NOT TO SETTLE.  Not to be disrespectful, but I have always thought that my mother could have done better. Every man in my mother’s life could have been better.  I think she was lonely and she settled.  I am trying not to make that my pattern.

If you could tell the universe (God) thank you for one thing, what would that be?

I just can’t be thankful for one thing. But let me list what I am thankful for. I am thankful for my Mother and my family. I am thankful for my strength and growth. I am thankful for your many Blessings and forgiveness.

(Interview conducted by SharRon Jamison)

We thank you for sharing your journey of happiness in singlehood! Your story will encourage, inspire and uplift other singles.  We wish you continued success and happiness. www.createloveforwomen.com

Create Love -- Founders

Imani Evans and SharRon Jamison

Can You Dance?

I am not the best dancer, but I can move. I can do the hustle, the wobble, the electric slide, and most dances from the 70’s. I can even do some of the newer dances, with the exception of “twerking”. All of that jerking and gyrating is bad on my almost 50 year-old knees. But even though I can’t do the newest dances or “drop it like it’s hot”, I refuse to leave the dance floor. I stay on the dance floor and I do what I can do; I dance.

In many ways, relationships are like dancing.  They both require coordination, rhythm, leadership, decision-making and movement. And, just like good dancing requires a willing partner and good music, so does a loving relationship. How are they similar? I am glad you asked.

In the Netherlands, the Dutch believe that “every couple has a rhythm”, a way of functioning that makes the relationship work.  And the more I observe couples, that more I believe that statement is true.   If you don’t believe me, just observe happy couples who have been together for a while.  If you watch them closely, you can see that they have found their pace, their beat, their speed; their way of co-existing that supports and sustains their union.

If you spend time with successful couples, you will also notice that they have coordinated their lives in a way that helps them share space, time, and most importantly, themselves. They have organized and synchronized their wake-times, sleep times, meal times, sex times, quiet times, chore times and other times in a way that allows them to experience harmony, synergy and sometimes, ecstasy.   Whatever the activity, a happy couple’s rhythm produces happiness, cooperation, efficiency, interdependence and great companionship.  They have what I have coined as good “relationship rhythm”. In other words, they flow.

Good relationship and good dancing also have something else in common: they both require that 1 person sometimes takes the lead. If you don’t believe me, just watch people slow dance, or salsa or attempt ballroom dancing. If one person doesn’t allow the other to lead, they  would trip, fall, and stumble. Without allowing one partner to lead, they wouldn’t be able to execute complicated or choreographed moves; their routines would be haphazard and lack fluidity and grace. Without trusting one person to lead, a beautiful dance could easily morph into a blundering disaster. Without trusting one partner to sometimes lead, dance performances would be simple, basic, conventional and boring.

While many of us see the value in allowing one person to lead in dancing, we sometimes miss the value of occasionally letting one partner lead  in household responsibilities, activities, and chores.  I am not suggesting that you allow your partner to boss you around or dictate how your home should be managed. But I am suggesting that if your partner has experience and/or expertise in areas that you don’t -that you allow her to take the lead.  If she has experience and/or expertise in a specific area and you don’t, I hope that you allow her to direct or at least influence the steps/moves/decisions that make you both better, stronger, happier, smarter and healthier.

Let’s face it -being in a partnership has benefits. And, one of the benefits is capitalizing on your partner’s strengths, talents, gifts, education, skills, connections and other attributes that advance both of you. So allow her to bring her talents and gifts to the relationship. Remember– she is not asking you to step back, she is providing an opportunity for both of you to step up.  So dance and based on your expertise, take turns leading. Trust me, your relationship will benefit greatly.

Good dancers and happy couples have 2 other things in common: versatility and flexibility. Good dancers are versatile; they can adjust to the beat and adapt to the genre. They wiggle and do the Harlem shake, and then go to the country western club and dosey doe. They can stiffen up and dazzle us with the robot, and then they can loosen up and do the running man down the Soul Train line. They can jiggle their legs to do the “stanky leg”, and then slow it down and grove to the tunes of Smokey Robinson. Good dancers adjust and modify to engage the music.

Healthy relationships are the same; they are flexible. They adjust to hard times and  celebrate the good times. They adapt to prosperity and restructure in poverty. They revel in success, and then bounce back from failure. They deal with sickness and appreciate health. They accommodate family, while protecting  “couple time”. Whatever the situation and whatever the circumstance, successful couples adapt.  

Successful couples accept that situations may change, but never their love. Like good dancers who keep dancing despite the genre, despite the tempo, despite the crowd, despite the music, despite not knowing  how to do the most current dances, despite the pain in their bodies - so do successful couples continue to dance and love despite the vicissitudes of life.  Successful couples keep dancing!

Finally, good dancers and healthy couples both do another thing well; they manage space.  Have you ever watched good dancers when they are really getting down? I may be aging myself with that terminology, but have you observed really good dancers when they are “jamming”?  Somehow they instinctively know when to dance closely, and when it would easier/better to dance farther apart.  They know when to pull back so that they can do a certain move, and then they know when to grab their partner’s hand or waist to twist and turn. In other words, they effectively manage distance and space.

One of the ways that successful couples effectively manage distance and space is by developing and honoring healthy boundaries. Together they set limits which allow each partner to be independent, while at the same time, interdependent. Together they establish mutually beneficial guidelines and  relationship rules that ensure that they love, support, respect, protect, honor and value each other. Together, is the operative word.

Happy couples get it right, or at least they work on trying to get it right. They realize the need to be close enough to nurture intimacy, and at the same time, be far enough away to preserve their own identity.  In addition, successful couples manage distance and space by understanding that contexts, circumstances and growth may/could affect how they relate to each other. And most importantly, they talk about it. They don’t hide their feelings, play mind games or expect their partners to read their minds. They talk!!!! But above all, they realize that despite changes in space and distance, they will always find their way back to each other’s arms – literally and figuratively.

Can you dance? Are you able to glide down the floor of life with a wonderful partner? Can your relationship withstand changes, or do transitions stop you dead in your tracks? Do you know how to step sideways or away without losing your partner’s hand, head or heart? Can you deal with closeness, and occasional distance, while still moving to the music?  Are you open to different genres – modern dance, waltzing, salsa, line dancing and just good ole’ busting a move? Do you have relationship rhythm? Can you dance?

If you can’t dance, I hope you will keep moving on the dance floor, love floor, until you are able to experience all of the joy that you can stand. I hope you don’t let one wrong song, one wrong move, one wrong experience or one wrong partner, stop you from dancing and/or loving.

If you are single, dance!  If you are in a relationship, dance! Just keep moving, keep growing, keep seeking, and keep loving. And, eventually you will CREATE the song, the love, the routine, and the experience that you are looking for. And most of all keep one thing in mind……the love you CREATE may just be the love you give to yourself.

It is time to dance……so get moving….get your groove on!  It is your life and your love. You deserve it. And, please remember to vote for Create Love For Women.  You got us to the  finals. And now we need your support to take it to the end.  Please vote…..Create Love For Women Who Love Women for the "Best LGBT Blog/Website" in the GA Voice - Best of Atlanta Awards 2013.  Here is the link:  http://www.thegavoice.com/2013-best-of-atlanta-finalists. You can vote as often as you like.

Blessings,

SharRon

www.createloveforwomen.com

www.sharronjamison.com

www.SharRonJamison-ICanDependonMe.com

sharronejamison@gmail.com

HAPPY COUPLE HIGHLIGHT: Jowanna & Edonna

Partners:  Jowanna Tillman and Edonna Koon

Atlanta, Georgia

 

How long have you been together:   About 9 ½ years.

How did you get together/meet?   Jowanna:  We met for the first time in 2001 during Pride at Piedmont Park.  She was still in the military and I was dating someone else.  We just happened to travel in the same social circles for the next few years.  We started hanging out more after she retired in 2003 when she moved to the metro area full time.  I was then single by then.

Edonna: She was not single, she was in one of her 90 day relationships, so I had to time my asking her out. Oddly enough, I began to spend time with her while she was recovering from surgery. I bought over movies that I thought she might like. It also allowed me to hold conversations that I could guide----I am really shy.

What was the initial attraction: Jowanna:  I could not get Donna to speak with me. The first time we met she said exactly 5 words:  Donna, Athens, Yes, No, Marines.  It drove me crazy.  I spent the next few years trying to get her to talk to me.  She was also so kind and so unaffected by other people.   I liked her independent spirit.  We are kindred in that way.

Edonna: She talked so much! I figured that I would not have to talk much during our initial conversations. I would like to say I was really attracted to her mind or her beautiful singing voice, but that came later. She was just stunning to me.

Jowanna, if she wouldn’t talk, what intrigued you about her? Jowanna:  I was intrigued because she didn’t flirt with me and I was used to everybody flirting and talking to me. She ignored me, and I also was not accustomed to being ignored. Since she didn’t pay attention to me, I wanted to make her pay attention to me. 

Donna, why didn’t you talk? I am shy and since she could carry a conversation, I would let her talk.  Also she had a 90 day rule and it was hard to find time to talk to her because she was always dating someone.

What is a 90-day rule? Jowanna:  I would date someone for 90 days and during the 90 days, I would asses if I wanted to move forward with the person. I believed that after 90 days, people start to show their true self. So after 90 days, I would determine if I wanted to move forward. Edonna: I felt pressured because I knew that I had to get her interested in me in 90 days. So, while she was recovering from her surgery, I took her a box of VHS movies. Since she was on pain medication, I knew I could carry the conversation. So to help me with my shyness, I planned our conversations on note cards to make sure that I could engage her on topics that she was interested in. I wanted to be able to speak intelligently about the topics that interested her.

You planned the conversations?  Edonna: Yes, I planned the conversations. I would pick a few subjects that I knew she would find interesting. Sometimes, I would only have to say 9 words and she would just talk. I used the note cards for about 6 months. Jowanna: I didn’t know that she planned our conversations until we moved in together and she showed the note cards to me.  She really did a good job because she knew what I wanted to talk about and picked the right topics.

What made you stop using the note cards? Edonna:  Jowanna made me feel comfortable with her, and since I had passed the 90 day rule, I didn’t feel like I had an expiration date anymore. Also, she was a good listener and was really engaged which increased my confidence. She made me feel comfortable and more self-assured in opening up.

What would you say is the key to the success of your relationship? Jowanna: Donna making me communicate. She said you talked all of the time. Jowanna: I did talk a lot but I was not communicating. Edonna made me talk about the hard stuff. Stuff like feelings, money, growing together, and planning. I am not shy, but I am introverted. I am an internal processor, but Edonna doesn’t let me do that for too long, especially if it concerns us. Edonna: During our first year together, Jowanna always had a bag packed in her head. One reason was that I wasn’t a frugal person and she was. But I wasn’t going to let something as small as money get in the way and ruin our relationship. I knew that if I wanted this relationship to grow that I needed to change my spending habits, and I did.

Many couples struggle and even break up over money. How did you have those conversations? Jowanna: It was an evolving conversation. It was a conversation that we started when we’re dating. We talked about what we needed to feel comfortable and safe. We talked about our long term goals and what we needed to be financially secure. That’s important to me because I don’t want to work hard during my golden years. I want to work hard now and save. Edonna: I had to do some internal work, and I knew it was my work. If you don’t want to do your own internal work, you can’t be in a relationship with someone else. I had a bad relationship with money and I knew that I had to fix it. I had to learn how to budget money. I had to find a way to track my money in a way that worked for me and that I could do month after month.

 

How did she help? Edonna: She didn’t nag me about money. But she would say for example “can only cut it down to 2 magazine subscriptions” or ask questions like “where are we going for vacation”. Jowanna is pretty easy. As long as she can travel internationally every other year, and make sure the mortgage is paid, she is happy. Jowanna: I didn’t know what approach would work for her, but I knew what would work for me. I wasn’t going to nag her or be her psychologist. I just let her know what I could and could not handle. I couldn’t be in debt because it makes me physically ill and I can’t sleep if I owe people money. Edonna: Being with Jowanna let me know that it was possible to not be in debt. I learned that from her and I knew that learning from her could benefit me.

What are some others keys to your success? Edonna: She keeps me engaged in the world and provides balance. I am not a very sociable person but she engages me in conversations and helps me engage with others. And I don’t buy into her hard northern personality. Jowanna: She balances me too. I do not buy into all of the labels. Yes, I am woman but I like to play in the dirt. In fact, the first gift that she gave me was a saw. With Donna, I am allowed to be all of me verses just part of me. And, I need to be all of me in order for me to be happy.

What role does spirituality play in your relationship?  Jowanna:  Spiritually is very important.  We are in an interfaith relationship so we don’t worship together but we are both very respectful of each other’s faith walk. We support each other as well as our respective congregations. Edonna: The mutual respect that we have for our individual faith walk allows us to dialog and enjoy the beauty of both faiths.

Couples usually struggle around faith: Jowanna: I grew up outside of mainstream Christianity so I was always open to learning about different traditions and faith beliefs. We have so many beliefs in common that I focus on where we are similar and not where we are divergent. I can’t believe that God made such a big world and didn’t make room for all of us to believe that there are different ways to God. I refuse to believe that my way is the right way. I believe that my way is the right way for me. Edonna: Your faith walk is yours because everybody has their own spiritual path. I believe that I can learn from other faiths. Learning about other faiths helps me be more present in my own faith.

What role does sensuality play in your relationship?  Jowanna:  Very important.  If you aren’t playing together, you won’t stay together. Edonna: Jowanna needs a lot of intimacy—touch is very important to her. I on the other hand am driven by smell. So we have learned to give each these things even when sex is not involved.

Edonna, driven by smell? Edonna: I am an outdoors earthy type of person and I am attracted to women who smell as if they have been outdoors. I am not attracted to “perfumy” smelling woman. My sense of smell was enhanced while I was in the Marine Corps and certain smells are aphrodisiacs to me now.  

What has your relationship taught you most about yourself?  Jowanna:  That patience can be learned.  I think over the years I have softened and become more patient.  Edonna: That I can manage money well and how to balance my life while maintaining a relationship.

What do you most admire about her? Edonna: Jowanna has a drive that I admire. She gives 100 percent to whatever she decides to do. I admire her ability to focus and I like to give her space to do whatever she wants to do.  Jowanna: I admire that she is always able to keep her cool. I learned a lot about that from her. Now, I don’t just fly off the handle, I just leap.

If you could thank her for only 1 thing, what will that be? Jowanna: Patience. I was always in a flight or fight mode because I was so nervous. Sometimes it (the relationship) got “prickly” but once I committed, I gave 100%.  I’m not the easiest person to deal with but Edonna is patient with me. I believe that you work on your relationship or it will perish. Edonna: Patience. I would thank her for patience. Her patience has allowed me to grow. She has put up with me during all of my growth and I appreciate her hanging in there with me.

What 1 word describes or characterizes your relationship? Edonna: Trust. I trust Jowanna. I trust that she will never bring chaos in our home. I trust that when we are home we can be our true selves. We can trust each other to be who we really are without ridicule. Jowanna: Loving. We are committed to making our relationship work. We love each other, our community, our family, our faith communities, our world, etc. We couldn’t do that if we were not loving.

What advice would you give to other couples? Jowanna:  Make time for each other.  Talk to each other.  Respect each other.  Support each other but remember you have to do what works for you.  No two relationships work exactly the same.  

Edonna: Remember that each of you is an individual that will change and grow in the relationship. Fall in love with a smile or a laugh, the way she looks when she sleeps---things that time and anger can’t change. Then when you really question why you should keep working on the US—make her smile or watch her sleep and see how you feel.

(interviewed conducted by SharRon Jamison)

We thank you for sharing your love with us at Create Love! Your story will encourage, inspire and uplift other couples.  We wish you continued success and happiness. www.createloveforwomen.com

Create Love -- Founders

Imani Evans and SharRon Jamison

UNVEILING THE STUD MYSTIQUE: A dynamic discussion 7/20

You are invited to join Create Love for a dynamic discussion with an amazing of panel distinct gentlewomen...

Saturday, July 20, 2013

4pm - 6pm

Little 5 Points Community Center

In the Cafe (large room)

Refreshments Served

$5.00 Donation

(PLENTY OF FREE PARKING ON SITE)

Don't miss this awesome opportunity to uncover the mystery of what it truly means to be stud/boi/AG/butch in our community.  We will have a safe, all-welcoming environment to learn, support and explore.  Get those questions answered that you've always wondered about but had no forum for asking them. We will cover every area: The look, the way of life, sex, being with femmes, being with other studs, misogyny, and so much more! 

There are so many ways to be who we are, and there is no one "right" way of being stud.  Instead of generalizing, stereotyping and judging...Let's learn to embrace and understand through grown-woman conversation.

If you missed LOVING OUT LOUD last month and you saw the pictures of how much fun we had, trust me, you will not want to miss this one!  SEE YOU SOON!

Create Love For Women Who Love Women

www.createloveforwomen.com

404.944.6409

Founders: Imani Evans & SharRon Jamison

CHECK OUT OUR PANEL LINE-UP...WOW!

Dee "Gorgeous One" Miles

Cole Thomas

Robin G. White

Adrienne Thomas

Erica "Blu" Wright

HAPPY COUPLE HIGHLIGHT: Jackie and Sandra

Jackie Kennedy and Sandra Valls 

from Los Angeles, California

How long have you been together?  Both: We’ve been together for 11 years.

How did you get together/meet?

Jackie: We met at work back in 2002. Sandra had just moved to Los Angeles to pursue a comedy career and was also working as a greeter at a career college. I was the assistant director of admissions.

What was the initial attraction?

Sandra:  I would see her walking to and from the elevator every day. She was always laughing and positive and beautiful and glowing and Wow! I would think, “I want a girlfriend just like her.” Jackie:  I was attracted to her because she was so funny and she was very attentive. She really wanted to get to know me. She was very present and was a great listener.

What would you say is the key to the success of your relationship?

Jackie: There are many keys. We work hard to have open, honest, productive communication. We work at active listening. It’s an ongoing process. We share the same beliefs about spirituality and we are very spiritual. We put God first in our family. Sandra: We enjoy a healthy sex life and we aren’t afraid to express it. We are still very much attracted to each other.  We have a lot of fun with each other and laugh a lot. We love to travel and are good travel buddies. Jackie: We love to sit at little cafes with each other and absorb each other like it’s the first time. Sandra: We practice forgiveness as best as we can. We respect each other and each other’s space. Jackie: We feel it’s very important to have a life of our own and pursue our own hobbies and interest as well as support the careers and interests of each other. We also have our “couple” circle of friends and our personal circle of friends. Sandra: And we don’t just love each other, we really like each other.

What do you most like about her? Jackie: I love Sandra’s heart. She has such a kind spirit. She’s very lovable, and also very loving. I like that she is passionate about everything. Being Latina, she has that fire – that life giving fire that makes everything “extra”. Whatever she does has “extra” on it. I. Sandra: I love that Jackie can twist anything and make it positive. No matter how bad the situation or how bad the person, she always finds the positive. I love how she treats people too. She is always kind no matter who you are. Also, I like how she takes care of herself and our family. She makes sure that we are comfortable and that we have what we need. Jackie: I also love that she’s a tomboy; I love that soft masculine energy. She’s also very protective and she protects my inner child, she protects my little girl. Sandra: I like that she’s always evolving and growing. And, I love that she always has my back. She’s a “ride or die” type of person. Jackie: I like that I can be myself. I don’t have to be in a box. I can be what the universe wants me to be. With Sandra, there are no limits. Sandra: I think that Jackie is sexy as hell. I love her sense of style. She’s a blessing.

Discuss how you deal with and face challenges that might come up in your relationship?

Jackie: We ask for a time out so we can come back and get some clarity before we sit down and discuss the issue.  When you are really angry and upset, many times it is from things coming from other situations, and not the issue that you are currently dealing with. When you lash out, it is usually about other things that have not been addressed. So we make sure that we don’t let those other things interfere and having a time out for clarity helps. Sandra: We have different styles. I like to talk things through immediately because I hate to feel disconnected from her. I hate to feel alienated. And, I am also a fixer and I want to resolve everything. The only issue that we clash over is how we raise our kids. We grew up very differently but we are learning to work through that too. But whatever the issue is, we get through it.

What role does spirituality play in your relationship?

Both: It plays a major role in our lives. We both put God first and share the same beliefs. We pray regularly for ourselves and others.

What role does sensuality play in your relationship? Sandra: Sensuality is more than sexuality, and it comes naturally with us. Also, we make a conscious effort to notice each other. We notice the small things and we make sure that we say thank you. It is the “noticing” that keeps us connected. Jackie: It is important that we connect because when we don’t, we get out of alignment.

How do you keep the flames alive? Sandra:  We are very attracted to each other because we’re constantly evolving - both individually and as a couple.  We take time out to have fun with each other and stay connected. We both make it a priority to take care of ourselves as well as the couple (us). That’s very attractive to me.Jackie: I feel that we were born together in a different lifetime because I feel so connected to Sandra. We keep changing and growing together. We also keep loving each other through the good and bad times. That’s attractive to me.

Sandra:  We make an effort to look good for each other. We like to dress up for each other. We also pay attention to each other. It is so easy to become complacent but we keep it fresh. Jackie: I am very sexual person and sex is very healing to me. Our sexual lives are very sacred because sex can be transformative. Sex is our birthright and we are totally uninhibited; we let ourselves go. I have to have sex because I give my body what it needs. Even with kids, we make time to enjoy each other. We have taken it (sex) to a different level; we dig deep into our goddess power.

Every relationship has relationship rules that support the union. What are you rules?

Jackie: Sandra is a night owl and I’m a morning person. I am a baby at night and she’s a baby in the morning. We respect our sleep personality! Our sleep is very important to us because sleep heals the body. Also, proper sleep helps us be productive so we make sure that we both get the proper rest. Another rule is that we must praise God and give thanks. That’s helps us manifest God in us. Sandra: Another rule is that we respect each other. Even when we are angry, we try not to raise our voices. And we never call each other names. We also respect each other styles when we are sick. For example, when I am sick I want to be doted on. But, she likes to be left alone. I had to learn that. Jackie: We respect when/how we work. We both work from home so we give each other respect so that we can focus. We don’t interrupt phone calls or demand attention from each other while we are working. Sandra: We share the chores. Jackie cooks and I clean. Many couples get in trouble because there is no balance. We make sure we share the responsibilities. And we talk about if we get out of balance. Jackie: Another rule is that we allow time for us to hang out with our friends. And, when we are with our friends, we don’t call each other a hundred times. We trust each other. Trust is first and foremost.

What advice would you give to other couples?

Both: Learn to like each other first. Love yourself and don’t forget about improving yourself. Find ways to keep it fresh and fun. Little signs of affection count a lot. Keep the sex alive. The more sex you have the more you want. Stay healthy and keep evolving with each other.  Jackie: People need to get back to the basics. It is about loving yourself and about loving God – from that, your relationship will flow and flow in divine order. Sandra: I would recommend that you really get to know yourself – know what you need and what you don’t need. I can’t believe how much crap I put up in my former relationships. You have to know in your heart when someone is worth it and when they are worth fighting.

Both of you are in very public careers? How do you deal with the groupies and how do you handle your careers: Jackie: I like the groupies because they put food on the table. Lol. I say “thank you” to the groupies and I find it quite flattering. And, I never feel disrespected because they are really kind to me and I totally understand the business Also, I am very careful about what I do. When she is out, she represents me. And when I am out, I represent her. We always remember that we represent each other. And, I would never do anything that does not support her and us. Sandra: We don’t air our dirty laundry. I don’t make jokes about anything that she doesn’t approve of. I respect her that way. Most of all, we trust each other and we tell each other everything. For example, if a fan does something during or after a show, I tell her.

What has your relationship taught you most about yourself?

Jackie:  I have learned that it is ok to be vulnerable and that has given me the ability to trust what I’m feeling in my gut. It’s taught me how to break down my walls and it also taught me that I don’t need to go from 5 to 150 in a matter of seconds…that I can stop, breathe, then respond and I will be heard.

Sandra:  Jackie has taught me that I can achieve all my dreams…anything in the world is possible and within reach. It’s not that wasn’t aware of this before, I just didn’t fully believe it.

If you could thank her for 1 thing, what will that be? Sandra: I would thank her for making me feel alive again. With her, I have blossomed. Jackie: I would thank her for being a vessel for me and for letting me live my truth.

What one word best describes your relationship? Jackie: Dynamic – we are a dynamic couple. We are joyful, spiritual, evolving and loving. We have a fabulous circle of friends. We are creative spirits and we have a mission. Together, we can move mountains. Sandra: Blessing – I feel blessed. She is everything that I always wanted and more. She is everything that I deserve, everything that people dream of. If I don’t get another wish, she is enough for me. She’s the biggest gift, my gift.                                                                                                                                                    

You can also find and/or contact Jackie and Sandra at the websites listed below:

www.luvthatdewberries.com
www.skyearthfire.com
www.welovesandra.com
www.dewberriesworld.com

facebook.com/sandra valls

Email Addresses:
Lovethatjackie@yahoo.com
Slvalls@msn.com

(Interview conducted and written by SharRon Jamison)

We thank you for sharing your love with us at Create Love! Your story will encourage, inspire and uplift other couples.  We wish you continued success and happiness. www.createloveforwomen.com

Create Love -- Founders

Imani Evans and SharRon Jamison

4 Things I Love To Hear

There are a few phrases that I really like to hear from people who claim to love me. The first phrase that I enjoy hearing is “I love you”.  For some reason, when people tell me that they love me I feel connected, cherished, and treasured.  It is not that I romanticize the 3 words, but the meaning that I assign to those 3 words touches me at my very core. Just hearing a sincere “I love you” releases positive energy throughout my body and adds an extra pep in my step. When said from a trusted loved one, “I love you” can really make my day.

Another statement I like to hear from people who claim to love and respect me is the phrase “You are important”. Just hearing that small phrase makes me feel that my needs, desires and wants are a priority in their lives too. And for some reason, when a person assures me that I am important to them, I feel that I can let my guard down. I don’t feel as if I have to be concerned about defending my ideas, opinions and perspectives. Just hearing “you are important” from a trusted loved one makes me feel accepted, open and most of all, relaxed.

“I apologize” is another phrase that touches my heart. I don’t know about you, but when I hear a heartfelt apology, I feel heard, understood and considered. For some reason, receiving a sincere apology has a

soothing and healing effect on my soul.  And just knowing that a person I love acknowledges that they intentionally or unintentionally offended, wounded, hurt or disrespected me ushers in forgiveness compassion, and reconnection. For me, “I apologize” opens my spirit and fills it with kindness, consideration and empathy for the person who initially hurts me.

The last phrase that I hold dear is “I promise”. When people say “I promise”, I feel a sense of comfort and security; I feel peace. Why? Because there is something to be said about a woman who honors her word and says what she means and means what she says.

If keeping promises are so important and so vital to the health of our relationships, why don’t we honor our word? Why has integrity become so rare? Why has the phrase “I promise” lost its veracity?

I don’t claim to know all of the reasons why keeping promises are becoming optional or mere afterthoughts. But I do have 2 views that I hope you will consider before you make another promise to yourself or to a loved one.

Thought #1: Keeping promises are becoming rare because people are failing to think about what they are committing to PRIOR to saying “I promise”. Just consider your own life. How many times have you made commitments without considering the time requirements, costs, sacrifices, compromises or emotional gymnastics required to follow-through on your promises?  If we are honest, we all can admit that we have said “I will”, when we knew that our answer should have been “I won’t”.  So here are some steps that will hopefully help you when you are considering making promises to yourself and to others.

•  Always clarify what is being asked. Ask questions, ask for examples, ask for potential scenarios or ask the person to paint an emotional picture of the request if need be. But never agree to anything before you have a comprehensive understanding of the request.
• If you can’t fulfill/honor the request, offer a solution or an alternative. Tell them what you can do vs. what they want you to do. Hold your ground even when/if they try to persuade, coerce or manipulate you.  The bottom line is this - don’t agree to something that you know you can’t fully fulfill or accept.
• Once an alternative/agreement is accepted by both parties, re-state the promise to ensure that you both are on the same page. It may be even helpful to follow-up with an e-mail so that both of you are crystal clear about the agreement..

Keep in mind that promises are contracts, agreements and vows. If you are unwilling or unable to honor, comply or fulfill a promise, say so. Honor yourself and honor her with the truth.

Thought #2: Acknowledge when the promise can no longer be honored. And when appropriate, re-negotiate. Promises are not made to be broken, but they can be amended, especially when values and variables change. Why? Because as you develop, evolve or mature, promises that you made earlier in your life and/or in our relationship may no longer support you emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and/or physically. In fact, honoring promises that no longer respect and support you is counterproductive and destructive to your own personal evolution, spiritual journey and physical health. And, if you continue to follow old beliefs, behaviors and practices that are not consistent with who you are currently, your self-esteem and your ability to self-actualize could be jeopardized.

So here are some examples of promises that partners make to each other that may need to be amended, re-negotiated or withdrawn.

• Honoring a promise to stay with a partner who is abusive, addicted and/or discouraging, is a not a good promise to keep.
• Honoring a promise that requires self-surrender, self-sabotage, self-flagellation and self-degradation is not a promise to keep.
• Honoring a promise to do anything that does not respect your growth, development, dignity, integrity, self-esteem, self-care, goals or personal vision is not a promise to keep.
• Honoring a promise to stay in a monogamous relationship when monogamy no longer works or appeals to you is not a good promise to keep.

Remember, “I promise” is a powerful statement of commitment that should not be taken lightly. It is a phrase that has healing, bonding, maintaining and building power. When used with honesty, openness and integrity, it is a statement that breeds trust, respect, loyalty and vulnerability. So use “I promise” thoughtfully. Be precise, define the parameters, discuss expectations and amend when factors and feelings change. So when you give your word, your word will mean something.

“I love you”, “You are important”, “I apologize” and “I promise” – 4 phrases that can add life and healing to you and to your relationship. I hope you use all 4 thoughtfully, honestly, prayerfully and lovingly.

Blessings as you make promises that help you CREATE Love that your heart and mind desires and deserves!

SharRon Jamison

www.Createloveforwomen.com

www.SharRonJamison.com

www.ICanDependonME-SharRonJamison.com

SharRonEJamison@gmail.com