Do We Have Enough in Common?

Working and living with someone is not always the easiest thing to do, especially if you don’t have much in common. No, you don’t have to like the same things or share the same beliefs. No, you don’t have to both be morning people or night owls. You both don’t need to be from the same region or even from the same country.  No, those variables are not important, and in some ways, those differences could be assets. But in any “ship” there a few things that you and your friend/partner must have in common to successfully function and live together.  They are a few beliefs that must be agreed upon, shared, accepted and enforced.

The first belief that must be shared is the belief in COMMITMENT. Yes, commitment. Commitments are promises; they are pledges of  support, faith and fidelity.  Commitments are important because they represent an emotional guarantee that you can be counted on in times of tragedy, triumph and transition.  It assures your partner that despite the vicissitudes of life that you will be there to love and lift her, celebrate and motivate her, challenge and cherish her, and value and validate her.  Make no mistake about it. True commitment is important because it communicates loyalty and undergirds trust which helps couples enjoy the good times and endure the bad times.

Even though commitments are vital to the success of our “ships”, many people “toy” with them.  Many people retract their commitments when they are angry or frustrated. Some people use their commitment as a tool to manipulate, bargain or threaten their loved ones. Some treat commitments as if they are optional, discretionary or insignificant. In other words, some people cheapen them or they devalue them.

But here’s the truth. A commitment is a bond; it is a covenant. It is something that should not be trivialized, minimized or marginalized. It is a vow that should always be cherished and honored. And, it should never be subjected to or dependent on transient emotions, temporary situations or momentary circumstances.  Remember this - if your commitment can not withstand the stresses and strains of life, your relationship will not survive. 
 
The second belief that must be shared is the willingness to engage in productive CONFRONTION. Believe it or not, confrontation is not only healthy, but it is vital to all “ships”. Remember, peace just doesn’t happen; peace must be made. It can only be made when people have the courage and spiritual maturity to explore their feelings, consider their feelings and then share their feelings.  Peace can only be made when people are concerned about their viewpoints but also acknowledge and appreciate the viewpoints of others. Without valuing the needs and perspectives of others, confrontations are just unproductive fights and not what they could be, relationship fortifiers.

The ability to work through obstacles and to deal with opposition fairly and fully will sometimes require conversations that are uncomfortable. If you love and value your partner, don’t turn away from her. Try your best to turn toward her so that you can hear what she has to say. Hearing always precedes healing and hoping. I look forward to sharing more thoughts about healthy confrontation in future articles.

The third concept that two people must have in common is COMPETENCE.  Competence is not a sexy word, however; believing and striving for competence will add to your personal and relationship satisfaction. Let’s face it. Many times people who strive for competence are also life-long learners. They are usually people who are open to continued exploration, discussion and education. Now, that’s hot!! There is nothing sexier than a SMART woman committed to get getting smarter, stronger, healthier and better.  So competency may not be a sexy word but it is an attractive action and a stimulating attitude☺.
 
Just remember…… if you are a person who strives for competence, people who don’t will frustrate you. Trust me, nothing will irritate you more than a person who is satisfied with mediocrity and only exerts enough energy to be average. Eventually, you will outgrow them, resent them and/or lose respect for them.

What’s unfortunate is that people with a “just enough” mentality are usually comfortable with living below their potential, not only personally but also professionally. And since average is all they hope for or strive for, they are unable or unwilling to understand your desire to be proficient, equipped and capable. It may not be a good thing to say as a minster, but people who embrace mediocrity eventually become leeches and distractions. They don’t want to put in the work to elevate their own lives and they will do their best to prevent you from elevating yours too.

If you want to be in a mutually satisfying relationship, the person has to have a common desire for competence. They have to be willing to leave their comfort zones and their familiar silos to stretch themselves, challenge themselves and expect more from themselves.  If they want to embrace incompetence and be ordinary, that’s fine. But if you want to be extraordinary and strive for excellence, you may want to reconsider if you really have enough in common.

The final principle that you need to have in common is CHARACTER.  Character has multiple definitions and many variables. It is shaped by your experiences, beliefs, childhood and your perspectives.  Character is important; it is the sum total of who you are and it reflects how you navigate in the world.  It influences your behavior, informs your perspectives, determines your ethics and communicates your integrity.

Partners must have a shared meaning/understanding of what constitutes good character; they must have a similar moral compass. Also, they both must be committed to using the shared compass to guide and gauge how they interact with each other and with others. Why? Because to be in a healthy relationship, both partners must have a shared understanding of where the proverbial line is AND both partners must be confident that the proverbial line will never be crossed. Each partner must also be convinced that her reputation will be protected and valued.   In other words, some things must be "a given".

Here’s the truth.  You and your partner don’t have to have the same temperament, but you have to have a common understanding of trust. You don’t have to have the same skills, but you must have similar emotional strength.  You don’t have to be spiritually uniformed, but you must be spiritually unified.  Some things must be similar. In the Christian faith there is a scripture that says  “how can two people walk together unless they agree”. Character is an area that you and your partner must agree.

Being in a partnership or relationship does not require you to be same. But, it does require you to have a common belief in commitment so that your partner knows that whatever happens -good or bad- that she can depend on you to be there with and for her.  It does require that you engage in healthy confrontation so that peace is made and peace is maintained. It requires that you strive for competence in communication, compromise and collaboration and never settle for being or doing “just enough”. It requires a common understanding and a common definition of character so that trust can be nurtured and strengthen. No, having those things in common does not make you a clone, but commonality does support your friendships and partnerships.

Do you have enough in common to have a “ship” that exemplifies faithfulness, love, honesty, transparency, passion and happiness? Can your "ship" weather the storms of life?  Only you can decide.

Blessings! 

SharRon Jamison  
www.createloveforwomen.com
www.icandependonme-sharronjamison.com

SharRoneJamison@gmail.com
www.sharronjamison.com

Rules of Reconciliation: Part 4

“We decided to give it another try”. That’s an announcement that many couples who were previously in crisis are relieved to say and broadcast. When they have successfully weathered the storms of betrayal and rebuilt the foundation of trust, they are happy to be back in their safety and comfort of their unions.  Trust me.  Their reconciliation didn’t come easy.  It was a process filled tears, trials and tribulations. It was a journey filled with pain, purpose and promise. Reconciliation was a trip down memory lane and a giant step into the future. It was a journey to understand the truth and a lesson on how to tell the truth. The process required each partner to give, and at the same time, required each partner to take. Reconciliation required the use of abilities that the couple had already mastered, and a few abilities that they had to learn (responsibility, vulnerability, respectability, culpability, accountability and teachability). Reconciliation required all the energy that they had to give, and even some energy that they had to find. If you ever experienced the process/journey of reconciliation, you know what a blessing and relief it is to say “WE MADE IT!!!” 

Now that you have completed your relationship rehabilitation, what do you do?  Since you have resuscitated and revived your union, what are the next steps? Yes, you have learned a few things, said a few things, tried a few things, compromised on a few things and prayed about a few things. So what are the Relationship Rules now needed to strengthen the connection? In other words, how do partners now connect the proverbial dots to ensure continued relationship satisfaction, fulfillment and longevity? All are good questions but unfortunately there are no universal answers. Every situation and every relationship is different; there is not one right way to do anything when it comes to love. 

  

But despite the variability in circumstances and the differences in partner personalities, I want to offer a few suggestions to consider that may provide some guidance to support and strengthen your recommitment. None of the ideas are novel or earth shattering; you have probably heard many of them before. But I have learned that the best advice and the most helpful hints are usually simple concepts that are often overlooked and/or underutilized. Let’s review a few.

Tip 1: Realize that everybody will not be happy that you and your partner have reconciled. 

You will have haters who will not agree with your decision to reunite. Know who they are! You don’t have to avoid them but don’t expect positivity, support and affirmation from them either. Many times the naysayers are our family members and our friends who are attempting to show support for us, but are having difficulty endorsing our commitment to our union/marriage.

  

However, don’t get or be angry at them. You invited them into your relationship when you shared aspects of your marriage that should have NEVER been made public. In the future, remember to only share with those who are also invested in the maintenance of your union. Friends who have their own successful relationships, counselors, therapists, clergy and other people with some expertise should be your “go-to” people when you need advice or when you need to vent. Lil’Man, Pokie, June Bug, TT, Ray-Ray, Momma, Daddy, Granny, Aunt Mae, ex-girlfriends, ex-wives or others who don’t have the ability to be objective, who don’t support both of you, and who are not able to keep their own relationships together don’t need/deserve to pour and speak into your relationship. Always seek help; that’s good. But choose your help wisely. The health of your relationship depends on it.

Tip 2: Realize that the changes in awareness, actions and attitudes that helped you reconcile, will need to be continued to keep you reconciled. 

When people are in crisis, they tend to do and say whatever needs to be done and said to survive. They are open to change, open to grow, open to learn and open to listen. They are OPEN.  But many times after the emotional storm is over and the breaks-up has been averted, inertia sets in.  For some reason, many couples who do the hard, emotional work to rebuild their relationship don’t always exert the same energy and consistency to maintain the relationship.

  

For example, when partners are in crisis, they were affirming. After the crisis, you can’t pay them to give each other compliments or give positive feedback. When they are in crisis, they are at the gym working on their bodies to regain their health and sexy physiques. After the crisis, you can’t bribe them to get on a treadmill or even drive past the gym. When they are in crisis, they have great conversations infused with vulnerability and empathy. After the crisis, they somehow stop talking or their conversations are peppered with judgment and impatience. After the storm is over, some partners become complacent and lax and often settle, and sometimes unknowingly, return to their old destructive patterns that initially jeopardized their relationship. They stop doing what they know to do. It is unfortunate, but it more common than you think.

  

Here is some truth. When you know better, you MUST do better. Nothing breeds more resentment in a relationship than knowing that your partner is emotionally and physically capable of doing something, but refuses or neglects to it. And, refusing to do something that she needs and desires feels intentional and mean. Failure to do something or the failure to even try communicates a lack of concern, a lack of interest and to some, a lack of love. For many, it feels like rejection. 

Also when you refuse to do something or withhold emotional support, it makes your partner think that you just feigned some changes just to get her back. Now, that cuts deep.  She may feel bamboozled, tricked, hoodwinked, fooled and confused. All are terrible emotions to experience, right? Feeling tricked breaks trust, destroys respect, breeds hostility and poisons love. 

So what do you do to safeguard against relationship complacency?  First, agree that you both have permission to lovingly assess each other’s performance. I am not suggesting that you judge each other. I am advocating that you create emotional space in your relationship that allows you to tell your partner that she is getting slack, that you need more attention, that you see some regression in an important area and that you miss the improvements. 

 

 Even though some regression is expected, full relapses are never welcomed. Let’s face it. Everybody sometimes takes his/her foot off the self-improvement accelerator; that’s natural. But to keep your foot off the improvement accelerator ensures stagnation, boredom, resentment, bitterness and disconnection. And unfortunately many relationships that are newly reconciled don’t have the trust bandwidth to recover from these types of emotional set-backs so be careful and prayerful. Complacency is a major relationship killer. 

Here’s my advice. Honor your hard work. If there are other things happening in your life that prevents you from performing our honoring the commitments made during your reconciliation process, share them. For example, let her know if there are new stressors on your job that are affecting your interest in sex. Let her know that mother’s health diagnosis is affecting your concentration and your ability to be fully present. Let her know your children’s decisions are making you feel unsettled and irritable. If something is preventing you from following through on the promises you made during your reconciliation process, share them with her immediately. Ask for help. Ask for a hug. Ask for time. Ask for massage. Ask!  Don’t step away. You know better so do better. Apply your new communications skills and relationship knowledge. Don’t let yourself off the hook and don’t expect your partner to let you off the hook either. You both deserve better. 

Tip 3: Realize that you will still have conflicts.

Just because you have reconciled does not mean that you will always agree. So, don’t be scared to share your opinions and perspectives. Don’t be reluctant to share your needs, wants and thoughts. Don’t run from conflict; embrace it because conflict is healthy and human. Let’s be honest.  You will still feel, think, behave and believe differently. That’s ok. You are a couple not clones.

  

Remember this….you must always speak up when something does not feel right in your spirit. Why? Because peace is not given; peace is MADE. Peace is made when two people are willing to be transparent, honest, authentic and vulnerable with each other. If you want to have peace with yourself and peace with your partner, you must always communicate. And not only communicate, but communicate with the BIG 3: an open mind, open heart and open hand. The BIG 3 should always be a part of every interaction if you want to nurture and solidify your bond.

  

Also, embrace and implement what I call the “A Rule”. If you are wrong, apologize. If you have a change of mind or heart, acknowledge. If your partner sees or believe something differently, accept. If something is not working in the relationship, adjust. If you don’t understand, ask. If you feel powerless, assert. If she asks a question, answer. If she does something loving, appreciate. If she is doing something admirable and wonderful, affirm. If she needs more consideration, allow. If you have a new understanding or skill, apply. If you have an issue, address. One of the only “As” to avoid is the word assume because we all know what assume really means: a ___ of u and me. The “A Rule” when consistently applied works wonders. Try it….your relationship deserves it. 

Tip 4:  In life and in love, NEVER give up 2 rights: the right to be wrong and the right to change your mind.

  

We all make mistakes and hopefully we all will grow because of them. If you believe in self-improvement, there will always be times when you are wrong and there will be times when you will realize that changes are needed to support and serve you. Why is that important to remember? When people are in crisis, they are motivated to accept conditions, sometimes any conditions, to maintain their relationship. Some requirements or agreements may work well in the short-term, but some are difficult to emotionally manage and maintain forever.  There may be times when you are not aware of your inability to maintain a certain behavior or to keep a specific promise until life demonstrates that you can’t.  You are human so it may happen. So what do you do?

  

What you should not do is ignore the problem or issue; it will not go away. You should not berate yourself because I am sure you reviewed and considered the proposed agreement to the best of your ability. I believe that you should face reality as a couple and look for new opportunities and ways to address the need or solve the problem. Don’t turn away from each other; turn toward each other and stay positive.

  

So what, you were wrong. It won’t be the last time. So what, you changed your mind. That happens when you gain experience or expertise. When people are committed to learning, their views or perspectives may change and that’s a good thing. Leverage the change and expand your capacity to love, experience and grow personally and with your partner. 

Never forget that the biggest room in any relationship is the room for improvement. Also remember that mistakes and changes are helpful because both are part of the refinement and development process. So continue to try new ideas and creative ways to love each other. Some ideas will fail and some will work temporarily but never stop trying to improve yourself and your relationship. Failure is always a healthy part of the learning process. 

  

CREATing Love and CREATing relationships don’t just happen overnight; there are processes. They are journeys filled with detours, distractions, differences and disagreements that when addressed properly can strengthen your resolve to love. If you want a relationship that serves, satisfies and celebrates you, commit to fully engage in the love creation process because being in love is a wonderful and amazing experience. 

Love is a tremendous gift and we all know that the best gifts are always worth the wait and worth the work. So don’t give up and don’t give in to neglect and complacency. Stay tuned into your own spirit and stay tuned into your partner/spouse/lover. You both deserve it! 

There are more reconciliation suggestions but I hope these will get you started.  I look forward to discussing more relationship tips at the 2014 CREATE LOVE Conference. Are you registered? If not, what are you waiting for ☺?  I look forward to meeting and seeing you soon. 

Blessings!

Related Blogs:

The Rules of Reconciliation Part 1

The Rules of Reconciliation Part 2

The Rules of Reconciliation Part 3

I look forward to seeing you on March 8 at the 2014 CREATE LOVE Conference! Make sure you get your tickets. 

SharRon Jamison  
www.createloveforwomen.com
www.icandependonme-sharronjamison.com

SharRoneJamison@gmail.com
www.sharronjamison.com