Finding the One: Part Two

Other people may come to you prior to The One to help you clarify who she is and who she is not.

A term that many people use these days to describe the overanxious, sometimes desperate behavior of womyn wanting to be in a relationship is “thirsty”.  In my dating experience, I’ve experienced thirst. And I’ll make another analogy and say I experienced “hunger”. After being in a three year relationship that was emotionally flat, void of open communication and sexually dead I was starved for stimulation, adoration and touch. So I was easily enticed and fed on “empty calorie, junk food” relationships.

As a recovering foodie, I know I have to be careful of dishes that may look appetizing, smell good and taste good but that are not good for me. Or even if they won’t hurt me, they are just not on my food plan. I can get full, but not satisfied on such foods. Or, I may eat it, but it had no real sustenance or health benefits. And because there are certain foods that I really like (I am a potato chip connoisseur), I refuse to eat the light or diet version. Baked really isn’t the same as lightly fried and salted.

On our journey to connect with The One, a lot of womyn will come into our lives and perhaps appeal to our appetite for love and relationship. And some of them will be close to the qualities of the womyn we are best suited for and who is a match for us.

Researchers have concluded that this phenomenon of connecting with someone who is a faux match may be based in our inner emotional and social compass that is calibrated by unconscious and subconscious needs.

One theory that speaks to this is Imago theory, developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix.  Imago means: 'the inner unconscious image of the opposite sex' or what you're looking for in a partner but aren't aware of."

The “Imago” is a composite image in the unconscious of the significant character traits and behaviors of childhood primary caretakers. An individual who is like our caretakers in emotionally significant ways — our unconscious drives us to re-create our childhood psychological dynamics in an attempt to heal the central wounds we carry.

The notion is that were born whole and complete individuals. We became wounded in relationships during the early nurturing and socialization stages of development by our primary caretakers (usually inadvertently, in relationships with parents who were doing their best).We developed a composite image of all the positive and negative traits of our primary caretakers deep in our unconscious mind. This is our “Imago.” It becomes a blueprint of the one we will be consider our perfect match.

So in essence, we develop partnerships for the purpose of healing and repairing the unfinished business of childhood. Since we were wounded in relationship we need to repair in a relationship. Romantic love makes the selection and is nature’s way of connecting us with the perfect partner for our eventual healing.

The challenge is, when we aren’t clear, conscious and calm when we are seeking love, we attract someone who is matches the “blueprint”, but who isn’t willing or capable of helping us heal our wounds. And remember, she is acting out her own imago story. The limiting beliefs that hinder our best selection of a partner could be summarized in the messages and experiences based on our internal compass:

• ‘I can’t do better’: One of the most common reasons for relationship dissatisfaction is choosing a partner that you don’t really like because of believing that you can’t do better. Settling is like buying a cheap imitation because you think that’s all you deserve even though you can afford the real thing.
• Having past unfinished business: It’s a self-esteem boost if we managed to attract someone who resembles a person who rejected us in the past. But attracting people who resemble abusers may result in one being abused again.
• Being too eager to find love: As humans we all need to be taken care of but when this need lets you chose someone who is bad for you then know that it became an unhealthy desire instead of a healthy need. Not feeling loved or nurtured creates vulnerability to accept those who give them attention with disregard to their real compatibility.
• Being enamored with the idea of a relationship or “in love with love: Many people hate being single and long for the day they will be with someone. This intense desire might make a person blind when choosing a partner.

So check your internal compass before you actively seek The One. Is it directed by your broken spirit or wounded heart?  Do you need to examine your childhood experiences more closely to see how they influence your grown up relationships?  Is the person you have high passion with actually a composite of the chaos of your past?  Finding The One requires savvy “shopping”. Some womyn will be close to the real deal. But I’ve learned that cubic zirconium isn’t a diamond, it won’t cut glass. Plus Fool’s Gold looks good, but it can’t buy anything. The One isn’t a cheap imitation nor a nice “knockoff”.

Related Article:
Finding The One Part I: I Am One

Gwen Thomas is the author of The S.H.E. Experience, a woman’s perspective on self-actualization. She is also the President and CEO of The C.A.S.T. Company, which provides training, consulting and professional coaching to individuals and organizations. As speaker and consultant, she presents various professional development and personal growth topics. She has provided training and motivational speaking throughout the United States, in the Caribbean; a total of 7 countries on three continents.

She has experience and expertise in leadership and organizational development, communication skills and women’s professional and personal growth. She has spent the majority of her professional life motivating and teaching others in workplace settings and in spiritual environments.

Like her at: https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-SHE-Experience/254545531431

Follow her at msgwen127@twitter.com

Long Distance Love

Are Long Distance Relationships (LDRs) good for you? I know they are not for everybody but they always work for me. In fact, two of my longest relationships started off as LDRs and both relationships were quite fulfilling. So I thought I would write an article about the joys of dating someone from a distance. But then again, I thought that the best advice always comes from the people who have been successful at creating love and maintaining relationships from a far. Lucky for me, Create Love is full of experts who have experience with defying distance.   Though their comments are different, there are some general themes that will help you decide if a LDR is right for you.

According to the Create Love experts, there are 3 important factors to consider before forging an out-of-town bond.

Here is what a few wise women had to say:

Stacey Rice --- My 1st tip would be for couples to be open and honest about their expectations of the relationship and each other. Talk about what each of your needs are going in to the relationship and where you want the relationship to go and how fast you want to get there. Not only talk but LISTEN and be EXACT .Do not try to fool yourself in to believing you can make it work if you know in your heart that you or the other person are NOT GOOD with long distance. It's probably not going to work.

COMMUNICATION - I cannot stress that enough! Don't start out doing something in the beginning that you cannot or are not willing to keep doing. It's easy once the honeymoon stage is over to let yourself get caught up in your everyday life because your partner is not there with you. You let them get put on the back burner so to speak; trust and believe they will not stay warm back there for long. You must make the time in your day to spend some quality time with your partner. Be it over the phone, video chat, or whatever method of communication works for the both of you; not just what works for you. You are in this relationship together and compromise is a must! If one person says they need phone time, figure out a way to make it happen; even if it's just 5 or 10 minutes out of your day. Go someplace quiet where there will be no interruptions and make the call. If that means you have to go sit in your car in the garage then go do it! It may not seem like much to you but it might mean the world to them. If texting is their thing but not yours, do it anyway, it will not kill you to send a quick text to her throughout the day. The key is to communicate with each other in a way that shows the other person that they matter, and you are willing to go that extra step. Women do not want to be mind readers; don't think just because you are thinking about them, they automatically know this so there is no need for you to tell her. Even if she knows you are, there is no harm in verbalizing it.

DISTANCE- Let's face it travel is costly no matter how you do it. Flying is quicker but can be expensive. Driving is probably cheaper but unless you have a lot of time to spare it's probably not practical especially if someone is traveling 12 hours or more. If you or she is the type of person that needs to physically be with that person a lot, and the distance between the 2 of you is so great that you cannot possibly afford to keep making those trips the relationship is probably not going to work out. Like I mentioned before you have to be honest about everything in the beginning, and that includes how much face-to-face time you require to keep you happy. Attraction is not enough!

Donna Shands: One thing that we do is have dates. We actually dress up and meet via skype-no interruptions just us. We also both have very busy lives so we send little texts throughout the day that vary from random to extra spicy. Above all else we talk about every feeling honestly. There is a high level of trust. The hardest part is we are both touchy/feely so not being able to physically connect is difficult. Skype helps a lot, plus our emotional connection is so strong it feels physical.

We nurture the emotional connection by LISTENING. I know what she wants and needs out of a relationship and I give her that. For example, she needs closeness and "home". I make sure that I focus on her when we talk or skype and do things that feel as if we are in the same space. We sleep together, eat, read, do homework, etc. I always make sure she knows I appreciate the effort she puts into staying connected. She knows I love attention so she surprises me with texts about her feelings in that moment or she will tap out of a meeting to give me a quick call-indicating that I am a priority. Those tiny things keep us smiling and connected.

Eternity Philops: We're blessed that although we're far apart we get to see each other fairly often, every couple of weeks. In between we schedule nights specifically for talking and catching up with each other (which can be hard with a 3 hour time difference and full workloads on both ends). We also text throughout the day every day, and make the most of Skype, which we use not just for conversing but also to be in each other’s presence even if we're both doing other things. Eternity was one of our Happy Highlight Singles and is now in a happy LDR.

Darlene Kelly: I am very interested in a woman I've been talking to for a few months. We have a very "FINALLY-found-the-one-I've-been-dreaming-of-my-entire-life" connection & we are going to meet for Thanksgiving; a perfect way to begin a relationship. I think I've already tried to push her away intending on removing her as a possibility due to the distance but that didn't work. We are actually in mutual agreement that this distance & time is good for us. It's a time for us to take care of loose ends, a time to prepare for our upcoming relationship status. I'm really looking forward to the rocking chairs & grandchildren with her. She gives me flocks of butterflies :))

Rosemary Porter: Do something you both like to do. My ex played the guitar when I met her. I lived in TX at the time and she was in GA. I was in awe when she would play to me while on Oovoo.  I told her I wanted to learn how to play. Another tip I’ll suggest is surprise her with little gifts or texts. That will keep the spice in a LDR.  My ex surprised me with a guitar the next time I went to go visit her. I named her Blue Ivy and I still have her to this day.  When I went back home we had lessons on Oovoo  when we talked at night. Our love of music was one interest we shared. That shared interest helped us to create a stronger foundation as the years went by. We were able to communicate through music and verbally when an issue arose.

   

Pam Culbreth: How do I stay connected, despite the distance? I wake up with a prayer and go to bed with a prayer. We try and begin & end our mornings talking to each other as well throughout our day when we can. We like to take turns planning date nights, having simple quality time. It helps that my career allows me (us) to travel frequently at little or no cost so we can see each other as often as our schedules permits. We also try to plan 2 or 3 trips to places we’ve never been each year.

I like to think that I “nurture” our relationship by making sure I tell and show her that I love her often, despite the distance. We acknowledge and appreciate each other privately & publicly, so that in between our visits she still knows and feels my love for her and my commitment to our relationship.

There can be many “pitfalls” in any relationship, because nobody’s perfect. I say to my partner all the time for me it’s about “D & R”…dignity and respect first. Treat me the way the way you want to be treated, and just remember that if it applies to me then it applies to you also. Never take your partner for granted, by assuming you know how she feels in a situation. Non-communication can be a major pitfall, especially when you’ve been hurt, and your partner may not have realized it. Trust issues has been hard for us at times in our 6 year relationship and we’ve had to learn to accept and acknowledge our mistakes, forgive each other, don’t repeat them and cover them up with more lies. Lastly, we try and surround ourselves with other couples that will hold us both responsible, encourage our relationship, pray with and for us, and tell us when we’re wrong. Recognize negative energy, because not everyone wants to see your relationship grow.

Bunnie Satchell:  Well, not only am I in a completely satisfying LDR, but I'm in a completely satisfying International Relationship (IR). Yes, my queen is Canadian, a Torontonian. She's amazing, wonderful and beautiful both inside & out. She chose me, and I accepted without out hesitation. And now we choose each other. Our paths crossed while on vacation. The most remarkable energy, compatibility and comfortableness that I've ever come across. The level of comfort on all aspects, mental, spiritual, conversation, openness, life experiences, similar interests, even matching physical qualities were like nothing that I've ever experienced before. No lines were crossed while on vaca. We were not available, and it simply was NOT our time. We acknowledged & respected that, and maintained our discipline. I stayed prayed up. I became still. I called on the Universe and asked that our paths may soon pass again. And so it was... When my Queen Audrey called me, and chose me - I said Yes, and gave all thanks and praises to the Most High !! How do we maintain our IR-LDR?  We talk on the phone almost daily. We text, email, call all throughout the day. We agreed and have been visiting one another monthly - for 4 days at the minimum. We have preplanned vacas, holidays, birthdays, and just-because-days. We communicate honestly and openly. We Listen. We share. We allow one another to be vulnerable without passing judgment, without being negative. We meditate and share the lessons learned. We co-wrote and entered a "Relationship Commitment" contract and got her closest friend and one of my dear and closet friends to witness the contract. Of course eventually one day Audrey & I will live together in the same city/country. That is our ultimate goal, but when the time is right. So for now we don't pressure one another for that decision. We are discipline to the Universe, the Most High will be our guide when it's time for that decision about cohabitation. You may ponder or ask, "How long have you two been together?” And Audrey & I will respond in complete synchronicity - "We've been together forever, in this life and the next". #Ase. Bunnie was one of our Happy Highlight Singles and is now in a happy LDR.  

Audrey Sanchez:  I said I would never be in a long distance relationship - anything more than 45 minutes away from me by car was too far!!  It just seemed like too much trouble ... until I met someone who made it all worth it.  And it turns out being in an LDR is not that much trouble at all even though we live in different countries!  We communicate in many different ways almost daily - with today's technology it's so easy.  And thankfully we're in a position where hopping on a plane monthly is also not too much of a strain on either of us.  I think the point is you make adjustments to get the things you really want. In this relationship, I have everything I could ever ask for - someone who loves and adores me, who makes time for me whether we are physically together or not; who goes the extra mile to show me how much she cares, and who lets me do the same for her.  Plus I get to have my time and space as much as I need on my own terms.  It's more perfect than I could have imagined.   And even though I look forward to the day when we live in the same city - and under the same roof -  for now, this long distance relationship is all that AND a bag of chips!

Cherry Knowles (Ms. NY):

 

Things to Watch Out For Especially at the Beginning

• Listen to how your partner talks to her children when she doesn’t think you are paying attention.
• Ask your partner about her relationship with her mother and father. If she has issues with her parents and have not received therapy, she more than likely will have problems in a serious relationship.
• Ask your partner what she did that day. If she cleaned up the same room she cleaned up yesterday (other than the bathroom or kitchen), she may be OCD.
• If she is constantly complaining about her bills, she is waiting for you to send her some money.
• If you agreed to fly her to see you for the first time and split the bill, make sure your partner pays her half in advance (not pay you back later) because if it doesn’t work out, you will never get your money back.
• If she complains that she doesn’t have that many minutes on her phone and will have to limit the conversation with you, she wants you to pay her cell phone bill.
• If you send her flowers but she never send you flowers or anything else, beware!
• If you call her at night but she is always sleep or went to bed early and cannot talk, ask yourself if she’s alone or going out and don’t want to tell you.
• If you go to visit her and she makes excuses on why she can’t introduce you to her family and close friends in the area, you may be a secret, she may be seeing someone else when you are not around, or she may not be out the closet.
• Do a quick background check on Spokeo or a similar website. You need to check to see if she is who she says she is, lives where she says she lives, and is in the marital status that she claims.
• Pull up her address on Google maps to see exactly where she lives.

Things to Do to Keep the Fires Burning

• Send loving texts for no special reason.
• Write an email love letter or poem and send on a restless night.
• Send a plant or flowers when she is not feeling well, had a hard day, or lost a close relative or friend to let her know she is in your prayers.
• Send flowers to her job if she gets a promotion, completed a difficult project, got a new client that was very challenging, etc. This makes you a part of her life and keeps her sharing with you.
• Plan a road trip together that will take several days or a week. At each destination, have a planned itinerary with activities you would both enjoy.
• When visiting, surprise her with planned spa treatments.
• Order information from the Chamber of Commerce and traveling organizations in her area to become familiar with the area, malls, events, activities, restaurants, resorts, and cultural places to visit. This way you can surprise her with plans of your own when visiting or know where to order her a meal and have it delivered to her when you are not there. Also, it’s a good idea to know the local florists in her area so that you may send her gifts (less money when using a local florist than an 800 service).
• Try to plan a special event for Valentine’s Day, whether you spend it together or not. Planning should start months in advance. Same for her birthday, and New Year’s Eve.
• Plan at least 1-2 vacations alone together every year.
• Plan to attend each other’s family weddings, reunions, and other family special events.
• Talk about what each of you watch on TV. Decide on something to watch together (on or off the phone) and discuss it later on the phone.
• Write a list of things you can talk about.
• Use Skype, Oovoo, Yahoo Messenger, etc., to see each other and talk at least once per week while seeing each other. If others are always around, get a laptop or IPad to use in the privacy of your bedroom at night.
• Both plan to see a movie at the theater the same weekend then talk about it.Send her pictures of your new hairstyle, when out with friends, or of a great meal you cooked or ate at a restaurant.
• Keep up with the weather reports in her area to warn her if you see a storm coming. And, if her area is in a big storm, stay in contact with her to make sure she is OK.
• Order and send to her a gift certificate to get a mani/pedi at her favorite spa.
• Send her greeting cards expressing how you feel. Lightly spray the card with your favorite fragrance.
• Purchase a new pair of panties, take a shower or bath using your favorite fragrance then wear the panties for 30 minutes then mail to her.
• Plan a weekend beach or resort trip or cruise together.
• End each phone conversation at night with 1 thing you like about the other.

Remember the top themes:

Intimacy – Make sure you stay connected and let technology help you overcome the physical separation.  Share your feelings because your voice and words have to resonate physically, emotionally and spiritually. Effective and consistent communication is the key.

Interaction – Use different forms of media to connect and express your love. Find and consistently plan ways/times to be “together” to share your lives. You both must commit to engaging differently, and you must agree to interact in a way that supports the relationship and strengthens the bond. Expect bouts of loneliness but use those times for self-development.

Ingenuity – Be creative and make sure you allocate resources to cultivate and nurture the relationships. LDRs take money and planning so think outside the box so that your finances don’t limit your love.

Great tips and wisdom from the ladies of Create Love. If you find the love of your life, don’t let distance stop you from making a love connection. Anything worth having is worth working for J.

Blessings!

SharRon Jamison 

www.createloveforwomen.com
www.icandependonme-sharronjamison.com
www.sharronjamison.com
SharRoneJamison@gmail.com

NO MORE GAMES! Successful Dating Workshop

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One workshop 2 dynamic components to help you step up your dating game. Being single should be fun!

Finding The One Part I: I Am One

She’s not going to come into your life until you have done the self-work you need to do to be ready. A potential One may come, but if you’re not ready to receive her at your highest, best self, the connection won’t likely be what you want or need it to be.

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.”
--Helen Keller 

  

The above quote may seem strange to connect to finding “The One” in the dating quest. But when I re-read it (it’s one of my favorite quotes), I thought about how important it is to do one’s part in being available, willing and ready to enter a relationship. So I interpret this to mean: I am responsible for who and what I bring into a relationship. I can’t change anyone but me. I will actively work on me—especially when I am bothered by something in HER. Some things I won’t be able to heal in myself until I get into a relationship.

First, I’m clear that the optimal relationship is one that brings me compatibility and companionship. I have been dating and loving myself. So I am looking for the right woman to complement me—not complete me. I am committed to self- awareness and seeking self-actualization. So, I am not needing validation or approval of who I am. I also want to offer the same affirmation and support to her. I believe that we will be good to each other, good with each other and good for each other.

Secondly, if I can easily spot her faults and flaws, it may be that those things are reflecting, highlighting or triggering flaws, character defects or issues in me. And because I can’t change her, I need to change my response to her and make sure that I’m not labeling her as difficult just because she’s different than me. I certainly need to be honest about anything that I am doing to contribute to the difficult behaviors. It’s kind of like playing a game with someone and realizing that they are breaking the rules or perhaps just not playing like you like to play. You can always take your ball (or dolls) and stop playing. In other words, if she does something that automatically draws a certain reaction from me, and I continue to react in the same way each time, now I’m playing a significant part in the difficult behavior.
 

Finally, there some personal habits, some reactionary patterns and some interpersonal dynamics that can only be addressed in the context of a relationship. It could be something simple like how you sleep in your bed—in the middle versus curled up on one side. Or something ongoing like what you do as a part of your weekend routine. And it could be something bigger like your values around friendships and family; or your spending habits. The way you deal with those things individually could be different than the negotiation and compromise that is required in a relationship. I also believe that the best way to learn to trust again, is to try trusting. And intimacy with another person can’t be achieved in isolation or just being with yourself. Plus, creating new love and new experiences can be a great way to provide contrast to painful pasts and unpleasant memories.

So as I explore myself and others in the dating process, I look for opportunities to grow. Even if a connection with someone doesn’t lead to what I call “intentional dating’ to see if we are each other’s one, I can always use the encounter to learn more and better prepare for the real thing.

Gwen Thomas is the author of The S.H.E. Experience, a woman’s perspective on self-actualization. She is also the President and CEO of The C.A.S.T. Company, which provides training, consulting and professional coaching to individuals and organizations. As speaker and consultant, she presents various professional development and personal growth topics. She has provided training and motivational speaking throughout the United States, in the Caribbean; a total of 7 countries on three continents.

She has experience and expertise in leadership and organizational development, communication skills and women’s professional and personal growth. She has spent the majority of her professional life motivating and teaching others in workplace settings and in spiritual environments.

Like her at: https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-SHE-Experience/254545531431

Follow her at msgwen127@twitter.com

How to Create a "Love Rulebook"

 I love love! I love the feel of love. I love what love stands for and for what love has the potential to create. I love that love is liberating, stimulating and empowering; love is magical to me. But even though love is an amazing feeling, love is sometimes difficult to give, difficult to share, difficult to express and difficult to demonstrate. And, it is especially challenging if you don’t know how a person needs to receive it, feel it, sense it, hear it or experience it. Honestly, it can be downright frustrating and in some ways, deflating if you are unable to express love in a way that resonates with your beloved.

So, I have an idea. The next time you decide to love someone ask for a “How to Love You Rulebook”. I am definitely going to request one because I want a love playbook, blueprint or a template if you will. My new motto in love is - Please…..help me connect the dots. I don’t mind doing emotional work, but Lawd have mercy, give me a brief overview, a summary or at least some bullet points to get me started. In other words, help me put my best foot forward. Help me win at loving you!

But not only that, I am also going to ask (delicately demand) that my beloved answer a few questions. And not only answer questions, but provide context, details, examples and some best practices. My new mantra is “Help me win at loving you”.  Yes, Help me win…. give me a fighting chance of successfully sharing my love by telling me upfront about your “love” needs, desires and wants. It is ok if you don’t know all of them, but please provide a few. Don’t make me guess, assume, surmise or play twenty `questions.  I don’t like to play “Name That Love Tune”; that doesn’t work for me. Provide me with some information so that I can love you purposely, passionately, persuasively, powerfully and profoundly. Help me LOVE you!!!

So here are some questions that I am going to get answered as soon as I decide to enter into a love connection or date seriously. Hopefully, these questions will help you too.

• What are your values? What tenets add texture to your life? What guides you morally and ethically? What are your personal standards for life and for love? What important principles inform and influence your daily decisions or determine how you navigate in the world?  Please know them and then share please. And honestly, if you don’t know what your values are, please figure them out first before you even mention the word “exclusive”. Why? Because beliefs determine behavior and I want to understand what regulates, inspires and directs you. I want to understand your moral compass so I better appreciate who you are authentically and spiritually. I don’t mind surprises but I don’t want to be surprised if you are a liar, thief, parasite, opportunist, adulterer, molester, murderer or anything else that translates into jail time, house arrest, a witness protection program or just plain old irritation. So tell me what shapes you, sways you, stimulates you and strengthens you and your choices. Inquiring minds want, but really NEED, to know.

• What is your love language?  That’s a good foundation question and hopefully the answer will set me up for love success so be sure to ask that too.  If my potential partner is unable to answer, I am going to ask her to complete the 5 Love Languages survey. Yes, I am aware that asking a potential mate to take a test is not romantic. But I am a pragmatic person desirous of making a person feel loved and valued. So complete the survey and give me the results …please and thank you. I will use the information to help me speak your love language fluently, emphatically and consistently so my love will penetrate the deepest depths of your soul.

• What and where would you like additional support? Your spirituality, your career, your family? Just tell me so I can “show up”.  Tell me how I can motivate you, inspire you or just “fill the gap” for/with you.  Just tell me how and tell me why. If you are not sure, please conduct a life inventory and identify where you need or would like more encouragement, feedback, back-up and/or assistance. That way I can better serve, satisfy and stand with you. Remember the more data I have the better I can deliver or try to deliver what you need. Just remember….no information = no implementation, no education = no expectation, and no communication = no correction.  Where do you need or want me? I really want to be there for you.

• What are your “pain points”? Is there some action, some event or some experience that still has the potential to elicit strong emotions?  Is there something in your past that triggers you or makes you “feel some type of way”?  If you don’t know, please figure it out and share it with me. And if you don’t know what it is, please don’t villianize me if I accidentally step on one of your emotional landmines and /or trigger an emotional tsunami. Because let’s face it - If you don’t know, how am I to know? If you are not aware, how can I be aware? Again, help me, help you because I don’t want to hurt you; I want to help heal you, hold you and hear you. So please ask yourself….……what information should I share so that my partner can care for me emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. You don’t have to share immediately. Wait until I have earned your trust and then spill the beans because I want to win at loving you.

• What are you dislikes and likes?  I need to know what makes you tick so please share that with me ASAP. Tell me your truth. And, I beg you to leave your “representative” at home when sharing with me too because I don’t have the energy or desire to date both of you. If you don’t like children, tell me. If you don’t like how I run my life, tell me. I am not promising that I will change but together we can determine if having a relationship with each other is viable. So please be honest and provide some information up front. Be candid; candor and I are friends.  Don’t try to camouflage who you are or try to convince me of who you are not. Don’t be an imposter or an actor. Because let’s face it - you cannot act for 24 hours a day and I refuse to act for 24 minutes a day. Acting is draining and nonproductive. Just thinking about non-stop feigning and faking makes me tired. Whew…..I am about to take a nap.

Listen, here’s the bottom-line. Don’t deceive me and I will not deceive you. Remember, we don’t have to be together so speak up and tell me the truth. Let’s save both of us some frustration, energy, money and time. Also, if we are honest and since we are probably both good people we may have an opportunity to transition to a different type of “ship” and remain in each other’s lives.

• What does happiness look like and feel like for you?  Do you know? If not, please think about it because if you don’t know what happy feels like or looks like you will not be able to discern when “happy” shows up. You will have me doing emotional gymnastics trying to please you and placate you. And since I am almost 50 I am not, but really I am not interested, in emotional twists, turns, gyrations and whirls. Drama does not excite me; it frustrates and antagonizes me.  Mind games sap my energy and poison my spirit. So, slow down and construct your own definition/version of happy and explain it to me. Also, be ready to discuss your role in achieving your own “happy” too. That way you can bring your happy and I can bring my happy and together we can hopefully achieve the “ier” – HAPPIER!! Yes, I know. That doesn’t sound passionate, romantic or glamorous. Sorry….. But for me being content and happy are both of on my short list and both are non-negotiable.

• What is your vision for your life? What do you want to accomplish? What do you want to do with your life? What’s your purpose? What do you see for your life? Now, don’t get mad when I ask you that on the first date. I need to know who I am dealing with. I can’t build a life with someone who does not know what they want to build. I want a person who has a divine mission and a calling on their life. Mine you…..I said a calling and not just a craving because cravings are temporary. I need a mate who has passion, purpose and a plan. And if you are restructuring, redefining and re-evaluating your life, share that information too.  Change and paradigm shifts are a sign a growth and I welcome both. But I don’t want to be involved with someone randomly moving through life. It is not wrong if you enjoy living capriciously and carefree; do you. But living life that way produces anxiety in my spirit and I am already jumpy enough, at least that is what I have been told.

Here is the bottom line:  I want to know who you are and where you are going so I can determine if I can or want to go with you.  I know, discussing visions and life goals upfront may not be the sexiest conversations, but to me, having a vision is extremely stimulating and sexy. So please be able to share what you want out of life, why your aspirations invigorate you, how you plan on achieving your life’s work, when do you expect to reach your objectives and how I can stand (support) with you in your vision/purpose. Yes, that’s a tall order but we both are worth it.

• Do you know your little girl and what role does she play in your life? Everybody has an inner child that cries out or attention. Everybody has an inner child who holds and keeps secrets. Everybody has an inner child who has experienced some pain. If you don’t know your little girl or if you ignore you little girl, I will not have an opportunity to see all of you. I will not have a chance to understand parts of your past that help me have a better perspective of your present/future. I want to know your little girl and I will introduce you to my little girl to you too. That way we can love each other honestly, deeply, thoroughly and authentically.  We can bless each other, build each other, bolster each other and broaden each other. Again, help me love ALL of you; you are worth it and you deserve it.

• What “Ds” have you been through? Have you experienced divorce, death, devastation, depression, displacement, disappointment, desperation, debt, disaster, dichotomy, disease, discrimination or anything else that starts with a D? Have you? I want to know. Because if you have not, I am not sure if you have the capacity, experience, expertise or the tenacity to deal with challenges, chaos and complexity. Here is the truth - If you tell me that you have NEVER experienced anything bad, unnerving or unsettling, I am going to think that you are from a another planet or that you are just plain unaware. Both thoughts make me nervous.

 I personally want and need someone who understands struggle, sacrifice, sadness and success. I want somebody who has dealt effectively with trials, tribulation and triumphs. I want a powerhouse who is no stranger to opposition, obstacles, obligations and insurmountable odds. I want a partner who knows how to deal with conflict, chaos, confusion and confrontation. In other words, I want a person who has been tried and tested by life, but understands that she is a overcomer, conqueror and warrior. I want a person who knows that she is a winner and not a whiner.

 I don’t care that you have been beat down, broke down or just busted and disgusted. I want to know that you have the gumption to get back up and to keep trying. I want to be convinced that if I have to dig a ditch to support us that you will go get your own shovel and help. I want to know that if we lost everything that you are resilient and will work to get it back. I want to know that if we hit a rough patch in our relationship that we will fight and turn over every stone to find our way back to each other. I want to be assured that if I got sick that you can nurse me back to health while managing the household at the same time. Yes, that’s a lot, but I am a lot of woman. I am a woman who has been broken down but built back up. I am not ashamed to admit that I have a few battle scars from life and some from hard living. Those hardships and hard knocks have equipped for durability and longevity. In the words of Imani Evans, I am a women warrior and I desire the same.

So let me know if you have been through some hardships, some pain and some frustration because people who are survivors interest, excite and inspire me. People who beat the odds or challenge convention motivate me. Courage, determination and perseverance are traits that I value and those qualities also bring out the best in me. So, share you “Ds” and don’t be scared when I share mine because I have experienced about 10 of them myself and I am a stronger because of them. I have been shaped by struggle, molded by misery and perfected by pain to be the awesome woman that I am. No, I am not boasting! I am just blessed and wise enough to know it.

• Are you financially capable of taking care of yourself? In other words, are you able to take care of your own financially needs? I must admit that I might ask this question on the second date because I want to understand your financial situation. I am not asking to review your stock portfolio or to see your credit score yet. But I do want to know if you are looking for a meal ticket, a sugar momma, a cougar, some financial relief, a good meal or a ride home. I need to know if you expect presents and lots of gifts because neither of them will be forthcoming. I may treat you to a movie or a mid-priced dinner every now and then but nothing elaborate.  No, I am not selfish but I am part of the “sandwich” generation – a son in college on 1 side and aging parents on the other side. So if money is your goal, just wave at me and keep stepping. I only have enough finances for my son’s education, nursing homes, eldercare, pharmaceuticals and therapy. Yes, therapy! If not, how will I escape the stress of being sandwiched, cramped, pressed and confined between two generations that need me? Therapy is not a luxury for me these days; it is a necessity.

So, do you have your own cash or at least some good credit? I have my own money but I don’t have any to spare. Just wanted you to know up front in case you are looking for a new revenue stream…..the stream is dry, bone dry.

• What role does spirituality play in your life? You had to see this question coming. God is important to me and will always be a part of my life. And even though my beliefs are private, how I live out my faith is public because I believe that Jesus should always be connected to justice. So if your beliefs are myopic, traditional, sexist, homophobic, racist, elitist and chauvinistic, I am not for you. Why? Because I believe that God’s love is inclusive, radical and transformational. By the way, I also believe that Christianity is not the only way to have a relationship with God.  And just for the record, I believe in prayer, fervent and consistent prayer. I also believe in sharing my time, tithes and my talents to bless others too. So if you are person who wants to pray every now and then and prefers not to share your talents with the world, that’s fine. Just know that I am not for you because I plan on being used as a vessel to edify people and glorify God. No, I don’t know what being a vessel will require me to do in the future. But whatever is required, I am doing it. Of course, if we are together I will not make decisions without you because I honor our relationship. However, not serving will NEVER be an option for me and that’s the truth.

Well, thanks for indulging me. I know that’s a lot but I hope the questions help you as you embark on your own journey to CREATE LOVE.  Stay tuned. I will let you know how things turn out for me and I look forward to hearing how the questions work for you. All the best.

More articles by SharRon:

http://createloveforwomen.blogspot.com/2013/03/strengthen-your-relationship-by-loving.html

http://createloveforwomen.blogspot.com/2013/01/how-to-learn.html

http://createloveforwomen.blogspot.com/2013/01/love-lifted-me.html

Blessings!

SharRon Jamison
www.createloveforwomen.com
www.icandependonme-sharronjamison.com
www.sharronjamison.com
SharRoneJamison@gmail.com