A term that
many people use these days to describe the overanxious, sometimes desperate
behavior of womyn wanting to be in a relationship is “thirsty”. In my dating experience, I’ve experienced
thirst. And I’ll make another analogy and say I experienced “hunger”. After
being in a three year relationship that was emotionally flat, void of open
communication and sexually dead I was starved for stimulation, adoration and
touch. So I was easily enticed and fed on “empty calorie, junk food”
relationships.
As a recovering foodie, I know I have
to be careful of dishes that may look appetizing, smell good and taste good but
that are not good for me. Or even if they won’t hurt me, they are just not on
my food plan. I can get full, but not satisfied on such foods. Or, I may eat
it, but it had no real sustenance or health benefits. And because there are
certain foods that I really like (I am a potato chip connoisseur), I refuse to
eat the light or diet version. Baked really isn’t the same as lightly fried and
salted.
On our journey to connect with The
One, a lot of womyn will come into our lives and perhaps appeal to our appetite
for love and relationship. And some of them will be close to the qualities of
the womyn we are best suited for and who is a match for us.
Researchers have concluded that this
phenomenon of connecting with someone who is a faux match may be based in our
inner emotional and social compass that is calibrated by unconscious and
subconscious needs.
One theory that speaks to this is Imago theory, developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix. Imago means: 'the inner unconscious image of
the opposite sex' or what you're looking for in a partner but aren't aware
of."
The “Imago” is a composite image in
the unconscious of the significant character traits and behaviors of childhood
primary caretakers. An individual who is like our caretakers in emotionally
significant ways — our unconscious drives us to re-create our childhood
psychological dynamics in an attempt to heal the central wounds we carry.
The notion is that were born whole and
complete individuals. We became wounded in relationships during the early
nurturing and socialization stages of development by our primary caretakers
(usually inadvertently, in relationships with parents who were doing their
best).We developed a composite image of all the positive and negative traits of
our primary caretakers deep in our unconscious mind. This is our “Imago.” It becomes
a blueprint of the one we will be consider our perfect match.
So in essence, we develop partnerships
for the purpose of healing and repairing the unfinished business of childhood.
Since we were wounded in relationship we need to repair in a relationship.
Romantic love makes the selection and is nature’s way of connecting us with the
perfect partner for our eventual healing.
- ‘I
can’t do better’:
One of the most common reasons for relationship dissatisfaction is
choosing a partner that you don’t really like because of believing that
you can’t do better. Settling is like buying a cheap imitation because you
think that’s all you deserve even though you can afford the real thing.
- Having
past unfinished business: It’s
a self-esteem boost if we managed to attract someone who resembles a
person who rejected us in the past. But attracting people who resemble abusers
may result in one being abused again.
- Being
too eager to find love:
As humans we all need to be taken care of but when this need lets you
chose someone who is bad for you then know that it became an unhealthy
desire instead of a healthy need. Not feeling loved or nurtured creates
vulnerability to accept those who give them attention with disregard to
their real compatibility.
- Being enamored
with the idea of a relationship or “in love with love: Many people hate being single
and long for the day they will be with someone. This intense desire might
make a person blind when choosing a partner.
Related Article:
Finding The One Part I: I Am One
Gwen Thomas is the author of The S.H.E. Experience, a woman’s perspective on self-actualization. She is also the President and CEO of The C.A.S.T. Company, which provides training, consulting and professional coaching to individuals and organizations. As speaker and consultant, she presents various professional development and personal growth topics. She has provided training and motivational speaking throughout the United States, in the Caribbean; a total of 7 countries on three continents.
She has experience and expertise in leadership and organizational development, communication skills and women’s professional and personal growth. She has spent the majority of her professional life motivating and teaching others in workplace settings and in spiritual environments.
Follow her at msgwen127@twitter.com
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