Monday, July 21, 2014

How to Create a "Love Rulebook"

 I love love! I love the feel of love. I love what love stands for and for what love has the potential to create. I love that love is liberating, stimulating and empowering; love is magical to me. But even though love is an amazing feeling, love is sometimes difficult to give, difficult to share, difficult to express and difficult to demonstrate. And, it is especially challenging if you don’t know how a person needs to receive it, feel it, sense it, hear it or experience it. Honestly, it can be downright frustrating and in some ways, deflating if you are unable to express love in a way that resonates with your beloved.

So, I have an idea. The next time you decide to love someone ask for a “How to Love You Rulebook”. I am definitely going to request one because I want a love playbook, blueprint or a template if you will. My new motto in love is - Please… me connect the dots. I don’t mind doing emotional work, but Lawd have mercy, give me a brief overview, a summary or at least some bullet points to get me started. In other words, help me put my best foot forward. Help me win at loving you!

But not only that, I am also going to ask (delicately demand) that my beloved answer a few questions. And not only answer questions, but provide context, details, examples and some best practices. My new mantra is “Help me win at loving you”.  Yes, Help me win…. give me a fighting chance of successfully sharing my love by telling me upfront about your “love” needs, desires and wants. It is ok if you don’t know all of them, but please provide a few. Don’t make me guess, assume, surmise or play twenty `questions.  I don’t like to play “Name That Love Tune”; that doesn’t work for me. Provide me with some information so that I can love you purposely, passionately, persuasively, powerfully and profoundly. Help me LOVE you!!!

So here are some questions that I am going to get answered as soon as I decide to enter into a love connection or date seriously. Hopefully, these questions will help you too.
  • What are your values? What tenets add texture to your life? What guides you morally and ethically? What are your personal standards for life and for love? What important principles inform and influence your daily decisions or determine how you navigate in the world?  Please know them and then share please. And honestly, if you don’t know what your values are, please figure them out first before you even mention the word “exclusive”. Why? Because beliefs determine behavior and I want to understand what regulates, inspires and directs you. I want to understand your moral compass so I better appreciate who you are authentically and spiritually. I don’t mind surprises but I don’t want to be surprised if you are a liar, thief, parasite, opportunist, adulterer, molester, murderer or anything else that translates into jail time, house arrest, a witness protection program or just plain old irritation. So tell me what shapes you, sways you, stimulates you and strengthens you and your choices. Inquiring minds want, but really NEED, to know.
  • What is your love language?  That’s a good foundation question and hopefully the answer will set me up for love success so be sure to ask that too.  If my potential partner is unable to answer, I am going to ask her to complete the 5 Love Languages survey. Yes, I am aware that asking a potential mate to take a test is not romantic. But I am a pragmatic person desirous of making a person feel loved and valued. So complete the survey and give me the results …please and thank you. I will use the information to help me speak your love language fluently, emphatically and consistently so my love will penetrate the deepest depths of your soul.
  • What and where would you like additional support? Your spirituality, your career, your family? Just tell me so I can “show up”.  Tell me how I can motivate you, inspire you or just “fill the gap” for/with you.  Just tell me how and tell me why. If you are not sure, please conduct a life inventory and identify where you need or would like more encouragement, feedback, back-up and/or assistance. That way I can better serve, satisfy and stand with you. Remember the more data I have the better I can deliver or try to deliver what you need. Just remember….no information = no implementation, no education = no expectation, and no communication = no correction.  Where do you need or want me? I really want to be there for you.
  • What are your “pain points”? Is there some action, some event or some experience that still has the potential to elicit strong emotions?  Is there something in your past that triggers you or makes you “feel some type of way”?  If you don’t know, please figure it out and share it with me. And if you don’t know what it is, please don’t villianize me if I accidentally step on one of your emotional landmines and /or trigger an emotional tsunami. Because let’s face it - If you don’t know, how am I to know? If you are not aware, how can I be aware? Again, help me, help you because I don’t want to hurt you; I want to help heal you, hold you and hear you. So please ask yourself….……what information should I share so that my partner can care for me emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. You don’t have to share immediately. Wait until I have earned your trust and then spill the beans because I want to win at loving you.
  • What are you dislikes and likes?  I need to know what makes you tick so please share that with me ASAP. Tell me your truth. And, I beg you to leave your “representative” at home when sharing with me too because I don’t have the energy or desire to date both of you. If you don’t like children, tell me. If you don’t like how I run my life, tell me. I am not promising that I will change but together we can determine if having a relationship with each other is viable. So please be honest and provide some information up front. Be candid; candor and I are friends.  Don’t try to camouflage who you are or try to convince me of who you are not. Don’t be an imposter or an actor. Because let’s face it - you cannot act for 24 hours a day and I refuse to act for 24 minutes a day. Acting is draining and nonproductive. Just thinking about non-stop feigning and faking makes me tired. Whew…..I am about to take a nap.
Listen, here’s the bottom-line. Don’t deceive me and I will not deceive you. Remember, we don’t have to be together so speak up and tell me the truth. Let’s save both of us some frustration, energy, money and time. Also, if we are honest and since we are probably both good people we may have an opportunity to transition to a different type of “ship” and remain in each other’s lives.
  • What does happiness look like and feel like for you?  Do you know? If not, please think about it because if you don’t know what happy feels like or looks like you will not be able to discern when “happy” shows up. You will have me doing emotional gymnastics trying to please you and placate you. And since I am almost 50 I am not, but really I am not interested, in emotional twists, turns, gyrations and whirls. Drama does not excite me; it frustrates and antagonizes me.  Mind games sap my energy and poison my spirit. So, slow down and construct your own definition/version of happy and explain it to me. Also, be ready to discuss your role in achieving your own “happy” too. That way you can bring your happy and I can bring my happy and together we can hopefully achieve the “ier” – HAPPIER!! Yes, I know. That doesn’t sound passionate, romantic or glamorous. Sorry….. But for me being content and happy are both of on my short list and both are non-negotiable.
  • What is your vision for your life? What do you want to accomplish? What do you want to do with your life? What’s your purpose? What do you see for your life? Now, don’t get mad when I ask you that on the first date. I need to know who I am dealing with. I can’t build a life with someone who does not know what they want to build. I want a person who has a divine mission and a calling on their life. Mine you…..I said a calling and not just a craving because cravings are temporary. I need a mate who has passion, purpose and a plan. And if you are restructuring, redefining and re-evaluating your life, share that information too.  Change and paradigm shifts are a sign a growth and I welcome both. But I don’t want to be involved with someone randomly moving through life. It is not wrong if you enjoy living capriciously and carefree; do you. But living life that way produces anxiety in my spirit and I am already jumpy enough, at least that is what I have been told.
Here is the bottom line:  I want to know who you are and where you are going so I can determine if I can or want to go with you.  I know, discussing visions and life goals upfront may not be the sexiest conversations, but to me, having a vision is extremely stimulating and sexy. So please be able to share what you want out of life, why your aspirations invigorate you, how you plan on achieving your life’s work, when do you expect to reach your objectives and how I can stand (support) with you in your vision/purpose. Yes, that’s a tall order but we both are worth it.
  • Do you know your little girl and what role does she play in your life? Everybody has an inner child that cries out or attention. Everybody has an inner child who holds and keeps secrets. Everybody has an inner child who has experienced some pain. If you don’t know your little girl or if you ignore you little girl, I will not have an opportunity to see all of you. I will not have a chance to understand parts of your past that help me have a better perspective of your present/future. I want to know your little girl and I will introduce you to my little girl to you too. That way we can love each other honestly, deeply, thoroughly and authentically.  We can bless each other, build each other, bolster each other and broaden each other. Again, help me love ALL of you; you are worth it and you deserve it.
  • What “Ds” have you been through? Have you experienced divorce, death, devastation, depression, displacement, disappointment, desperation, debt, disaster, dichotomy, disease, discrimination or anything else that starts with a D? Have you? I want to know. Because if you have not, I am not sure if you have the capacity, experience, expertise or the tenacity to deal with challenges, chaos and complexity. Here is the truth - If you tell me that you have NEVER experienced anything bad, unnerving or unsettling, I am going to think that you are from a another planet or that you are just plain unaware. Both thoughts make me nervous.
 I personally want and need someone who understands struggle, sacrifice, sadness and success. I want somebody who has dealt effectively with trials, tribulation and triumphs. I want a powerhouse who is no stranger to opposition, obstacles, obligations and insurmountable odds. I want a partner who knows how to deal with conflict, chaos, confusion and confrontation. In other words, I want a person who has been tried and tested by life, but understands that she is a overcomer, conqueror and warrior. I want a person who knows that she is a winner and not a whiner.

 I don’t care that you have been beat down, broke down or just busted and disgusted. I want to know that you have the gumption to get back up and to keep trying. I want to be convinced that if I have to dig a ditch to support us that you will go get your own shovel and help. I want to know that if we lost everything that you are resilient and will work to get it back. I want to know that if we hit a rough patch in our relationship that we will fight and turn over every stone to find our way back to each other. I want to be assured that if I got sick that you can nurse me back to health while managing the household at the same time. Yes, that’s a lot, but I am a lot of woman. I am a woman who has been broken down but built back up. I am not ashamed to admit that I have a few battle scars from life and some from hard living. Those hardships and hard knocks have equipped for durability and longevity. In the words of Imani Evans, I am a women warrior and I desire the same.

So let me know if you have been through some hardships, some pain and some frustration because people who are survivors interest, excite and inspire me. People who beat the odds or challenge convention motivate me. Courage, determination and perseverance are traits that I value and those qualities also bring out the best in me. So, share you “Ds” and don’t be scared when I share mine because I have experienced about 10 of them myself and I am a stronger because of them. I have been shaped by struggle, molded by misery and perfected by pain to be the awesome woman that I am. No, I am not boasting! I am just blessed and wise enough to know it.
  • Are you financially capable of taking care of yourself? In other words, are you able to take care of your own financially needs? I must admit that I might ask this question on the second date because I want to understand your financial situation. I am not asking to review your stock portfolio or to see your credit score yet. But I do want to know if you are looking for a meal ticket, a sugar momma, a cougar, some financial relief, a good meal or a ride home. I need to know if you expect presents and lots of gifts because neither of them will be forthcoming. I may treat you to a movie or a mid-priced dinner every now and then but nothing elaborate.  No, I am not selfish but I am part of the “sandwich” generation – a son in college on 1 side and aging parents on the other side. So if money is your goal, just wave at me and keep stepping. I only have enough finances for my son’s education, nursing homes, eldercare, pharmaceuticals and therapy. Yes, therapy! If not, how will I escape the stress of being sandwiched, cramped, pressed and confined between two generations that need me? Therapy is not a luxury for me these days; it is a necessity.
So, do you have your own cash or at least some good credit? I have my own money but I don’t have any to spare. Just wanted you to know up front in case you are looking for a new revenue stream…..the stream is dry, bone dry.
  • What role does spirituality play in your life? You had to see this question coming. God is important to me and will always be a part of my life. And even though my beliefs are private, how I live out my faith is public because I believe that Jesus should always be connected to justice. So if your beliefs are myopic, traditional, sexist, homophobic, racist, elitist and chauvinistic, I am not for you. Why? Because I believe that God’s love is inclusive, radical and transformational. By the way, I also believe that Christianity is not the only way to have a relationship with God.  And just for the record, I believe in prayer, fervent and consistent prayer. I also believe in sharing my time, tithes and my talents to bless others too. So if you are person who wants to pray every now and then and prefers not to share your talents with the world, that’s fine. Just know that I am not for you because I plan on being used as a vessel to edify people and glorify God. No, I don’t know what being a vessel will require me to do in the future. But whatever is required, I am doing it. Of course, if we are together I will not make decisions without you because I honor our relationship. However, not serving will NEVER be an option for me and that’s the truth.
Well, thanks for indulging me. I know that’s a lot but I hope the questions help you as you embark on your own journey to CREATE LOVE.  Stay tuned. I will let you know how things turn out for me and I look forward to hearing how the questions work for you. All the best.

1 comment:

  1. I really love this article. I think it should be mandatory for budding lesbians BEFORE dating. If we get 'em would alleviate so much headache!!!