Happy Single Highlight: Kay

Kay Oates

Atlanta, Ga.

Kay, since you have been single, what have you learned about yourself?

Each day, I learn a little more about myself.  If I can say it in one word it would be GROWTH.  I’ve always known my strength, but singlehood allows me to focus on growing more comfortable with my authentic self. I love my “me time”!  I enjoy my company.  I love taking myself on wonderful dates.  I am comfortable going to a nice restaurant, concert, play, and/or movie with myself.  I always so “with myself” and never “by myself”. 

What are you doing now to prepare yourself for a healthy relationship?

In preparation for a healthy relationship?  Honestly, I’m not doing anything different than what I feel I should do day-to-day.  I continually work on loving and treating myself the way I deserve.  I grow in love with myself more and more each minute of the day.  I know that a healthy relationship can only exist if there is self-love.  I pray, mediate, and seeking direction from God.  I have several rituals that I do to make sure that I am centered and emotionally healthy.  Whether it’s the physical or emotional detoxing regiments that I do, I know that I am working on making sure that I am receptive and approachable for what life offers.

In my relationship, I tend to struggle with sharing my inner fears and insecurities. What areas do you tend to struggle with most in relationships? Ouch. Getting out of my own head.  I tend to over think things.  If there’s a problem, the simple thing to do is talk it out…..but NOOOOOO!!!  By the time we sit down and discuss the issue, in my head I’ve figured out what caused it, what the responses will be, and how we are going to handle it….lol.  This is definitely an area which I continue to work on and pray for more understanding.  I’m really focusing on relaxing and accepting that I don’t have to fix everything; you know, getting pass that Superwoman syndrome.    

Since you are spending valuable time by yourself and learning yourself, what characteristics and traits do you now find most compatible? Which ones are most problematic and why?  Honesty, loyalty and trustworthiness, without a doubt, are the traits that I find most compatible.  I am very loyal in ALL of my relationships: friendship, love, business.  I will do my best to make sure I don’t intentionally hurt anyone and if I learn that my actions have caused harm, it bothers me. 

Controlling behavior, lying and cheating are the most problematic traits for me.  Once I learn that someone is lying to me or can’t be trusted, I will question everything they ever said to me.  If there is no trust, we can’t work together. AND….once that line of trust has been breached, I release you!  We’re done!  No go-backs!  No do-overs!  It’s that darn Capricorn trait.

Kay, what do you love about love? TRUE love….EVERYTHING.  I love the openness and the restoration that comes with love.  I love the growth that loves brings.  When I’m truly and honestly loved, I can be free.  I love sharing and creating memories and then smiling and laughing together over those memories.  I love the healing that comes from true love.  I love being comfortable enough to be vulnerable and trusting that my vulnerability will never be used as a weapon.  I just love LOVE.  (Love this Kay)  

Every relationships offers rich lessons about who we are and who we are not. What has being in a relationship taught you about you? Being in a relationship has taught me that I really do love deeply and I will give my all to the RIGHT relationship.  I am a nurturer and once I commit, I will work to make the relationship grow.  I don’t take love or a relationships lightly. 

Additionally, I’ve learn to trust my instinct/my first mind.  If it doesn’t feel right, if it doesn’t sound right, believe the things that “aren’t being said”.  No more wait it out.  Because of this awareness, I have learned to never settle.  I know my worth and I deserve the best because I will offer my best.  I understand now that the greatest blessings can come after the deepest hurts.

I admire that you are such a gentle, generous spirit who is always ready to offer a kind word to people. What do you admire about yourself? So many things. I admire my strong commitment to family and friendships, my ability to empathize and accept people right where they are without expecting changes to fit my desires.  I also admire my resistance, my ability to give when I don’t necessarily receive, and my strength in the face of some really difficult decisions.    After my last relationship ended, I went through a period of deep sadness and it took me some time to feel comfortable with the thought of allowing anyone in my space.  One day I decided “the pity party is over”.  So, I dried my tears, changed my prayer request, and truly began the healing.  Now, I am at a place of peace and joy.  That’s resistance!!!

How would your friends describe you? Let me think…..funny, caring, loving, moody, trustworthy, a loner at times, loyal, good mom, and deep thinker.  I believe my true friends will say that I’m a mixture of these things.   

If a person wanted to take you out, what would you like to do? What do you like to do for fun and why?  There are so many things that I like to do for fun.  If I tried to list them all, it would take up this entire article.  I love quality with my son.  He inspires me.  I love the beach, music, and traveling.  Now if I can get all of three in one adventure….HOORAY.  I am growing and learning to take chances and I love trying new things.  I will seek opportunities to go horseback riding, skiing, zip-lining, learning to rollerblade, or anything that will make my friends say “girl, you are always doing something different”.  I don’t like complacency, so if it sound like fun, count me in.

How do you experience and receive love? What is your love language and how did you learn that about yourself? My primary love language is Words of Affirmation and secondary if quality time.  I love quite moments together, a “just-because” card, sweet call to find out how my day is going, a simple sticky note that reminds me I’m in someone’s thoughts. 

How did I learn that about myself?  LOL…I realized that I was expressing my love language to my partner and couldn’t understand why it wasn’t reciprocal.  Why?  Because it’s my love language. 

I feel grounded and ready to receive love when I tap into the power and wisdom of a Source. How important is spirituality to you? Spirituality is the essences of my being and the very reason I am alive and well.  I’ve experienced some really difficult situations in my life and I know that had it not been for God’s mercy and grace, I would not have made it.  Even when I didn’t know the words to say or when I didn’t feel I had the strength to make it to the next day, I would utter the simple prayer HELP.  For God, that’s more than enough. 

I constantly remind myself that my current situation is only a chapter of the greater story which God has designed.  Life's circumstances may cause me to be unhappy, but I'm so glad I still have my joy. There is a difference in happiness and joy!  Because of my unwavering faith, I can say that I am deliberately, unapologetically GRATEFUL and full of peace.

Finish this sentence…..before I die I want to _______________________________.

….finally have a relationship with someone who wants and loves me as much as I love and want them. 

What important lesson did you learn from your mother that has helped you in life and in relationships?  I wrote in my journal about this very topic last year when I was dealing with depression, heartbreak and grief.  I will repost my comments. 

“My mother passed away when I was only 13 months. I don’t remember her voice or even her face (I do have pictures). I miss that mother-daughter relationship. There are times when her absence is so overwhelming that I feel numb.  It is those moments when I feel this comforting spirit coming around me and providing this soothing for my troubled spirit. The topic of our mother is somewhat hard for me and my brothers (who were babies when she died, 7 and 3). I finally got my heart and nerve together to ask them questions and I am still in tears from the responses of my oldest brother.

1.    When I am overwhelmed or really lonely, the small sweet odor of vanilla will come to me; didn’t know why. My brother said, our mother would put a dab of vanilla behind her ear as perfume and she often rubbed my body with it when she bathed me.

2.    I will find pennies ANY and EVERYWHERE and always pick them up; didn’t know why. He told me our mother ALWAYS collected pennies and kept them in mason jars around the house.”

My mother is around me constantly and always providing that comfort that I need.  I guess you can say the lesson that I learned from her, even in her absence, is to surround and support those who are close to your heart.

(Interview conducted by SharRon Jamison)

We thank you for sharing your journey of happiness in singlehood! Your story will encourage, inspire and uplift other singles. We wish you continued success and happiness.www.createloveforwomen.com

Create Love -- Founders

Imani Evans and SharRon Jamison

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10 Days of Gratitude - Day 10 by Imani Evans

Originally my plan for the 10 Days of Gratitude was to write about how my so-called character defects are actually utilized to propel my life forward. Then came the no bill indictment in the Michael Brown case and my plans changed. Instead I chose to write about the gratitude I embody for my very survival. It is abundantly clear to me that a culture rooted in racism, heterosexism, classism and misogyny has no investment in my emotional and spiritual sustainability as a Black lesbian, who is living out loud. 

As an artist and creative sometimes my rage is too big for normal sentences. In those cases only prose and poetry can loosen the noose of anger choking me and disallowing the passage of reason. It is then that I feel compelled to take pen to paper and speak my mind to free my heart. Sometimes the creativity is plentiful and other times it is just enough to shift me back into compassion. 

As our world has transformed from the industrial age to the information age, I often feel bombarded by ignorance and hatred. It is everywhere: Twitter, FaceBook, Google+ and it even seeps into my text messages. It is a laborious task to keep from spewing venom back into the mouth of the snake, with no care of its carnage. Then just as I am destined to succumb to the cycle of viciousness, I am reminded of grace, true strength, dignity and compassion. In those moments...I am saved by my art. So I write.

Rage - As Yet Untitled
(You can listen to the audio of this piece - click here)

Today I am grateful for my very existence, despite their efforts to kill me. See, they have been trying to kill me since ancient times. 

They have been trying to kill me since my name was Sekhmet, Oshun, Saarjie Baartman, Amarinta Ross, or Audre Lorde. 

They have been trying to kill me because my voice is that of a light-bringer, a consciousness-shifter and world-changer. But I am still here. Maybe I won't be in 20 years, maybe I won't be a year from now, or even tomorrow. 

But..today...I am still here. 

The "they" that I speak of are the dark ones, the negative forces, the racists, the oppressers, the despots, the ones whose ignorance and fear serves as a guide for their actions and supersedes their logic. Them...they...those ones who know exactly who they are, despite their ever-present denial to my face. I will defy you...

I will defy you with my sheer determination to stand upright and straight-backed in the face of brokenness.

I will defy you with my ingenuity to create nations out of nothing and morph magnificence out of malevolence.

I will defy you by holding hands with my beloved on the streets of the elite and shattering your unrighteous laws with my joy.

I will defy you by reincarnating with perpetual greatness and evolving beyond your recognition.

See you cannot kill me for my Earthly existence is an illusion. And when your hatred seeks my destruction...I will defy you with my very existence and my will to be all that I am called here to be...

for whatever time that I be.

Shem Em Hetep!

Imani Evans, MA, CLC

www.createloveforwomen.com

www.imanievans.com

www.surviving2thriving.org

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How to Love A Broken Woman

Every woman has a little girl inside of her. For some women that little girl experienced pain beyond anything she could imagine. Those of us who made it through the pain, on the other side, have become survivors. We are survivors of many things, such as various forms of abuse, neglect, health challenges and other forms of trauma that tried to keep us from being the dynamic women we were destined to be. But it didn't win and instead we developed the coping skills that allowed us to persevere. In some cases we learned to re-parent ourselves, escape in any way possible, or repress the memories of an all too painful childhood. We are teachers, leaders, healers and women doing amazing things against all odds.

But for some of us there is still a dark place, a place wherein there is brokenness. It is a place that can only be filled with authentic love. It can only be filled with the kind of unconditional and compassionate love that is, too often, uncommon and seemingly esoteric. You see, some of us hold this brokenness deep down inside of us and quietly yearn for the one who can see it, hold it, and love us anyway. We yearn for the kind of love that doesn't make room for hiding or shaming. Instead it is the beacon for our soul to voyage into the light.

I want to be clear that my use of the term "brokenness" in this article is not meant to be synonymous with dysfunctional. The brokenness I speak of is the kind of hurt that tugs at your heart, but does not rip through to your soul. It is the kind of brokenness that makes us human. It reminds us of our humanity and our strength, simultaneously. It is the gateway to compassion and empathy for others. It does not define us but rather becomes part of the collective experience that is us.  This brokenness is the flawed I AM in all survivors.

MY RAW TRUTH OF BROKENNESS...
My personal story of brokenness begins at such a young age that I have a difficult time remembering all of my childhood. Instead I have patches of memories. Fortunately, my brother is very nostalgic and keeps some of the precious memories green for me. As a little girl I endured my share of unspeakable hurts. I experienced sexual, emotional and verbal abuse that took a toll on my self-esteem. I remember being called painful names that pierced my heart sharper then any physical lash could ever do. The glory is that I have truly forgiven the one who delivered such verbal venom. The forgiveness was not a onetime act, but rather a journey that we took together. I wholeheartedly believe we are both better for it. As I get older, the healing continues and the hurt becomes less and less palpable. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't disappeared but it has taken a backseat to an unshakable joy. This remains my daily intention.

Surviving my wounded little girl has been nothing short of a miracle. When I think about those occurrences I do not do so with grief. To the contrary, it reminds me of my strength, perseverance and determination to defy that painful existence. From at least the age of 14 I realized that the God of my understanding had a call on my life. And even then I knew I would accept it. I didn't know how and I'm not even sure I truly knew what that meant at the time. But I do remember a resolve in my spirit. It was a resolve that didn't come easily. I fought for it. Thus, like any warrior, I did not come out unscathed.

With a beat-up self-esteem following me like a ominous shadow, I became self-destructive. I imploded and exploded as I tried to grapple with the rage. I didn't know that rage belonged to the ones who had hurt me. I thought it was mine to bear. Often I turned it outward, but mostly the gun of destruction was pointed directly at myself. So it is no surprise that I became suicidal. However as I reflect on this time in my life, I am very clear that I didn't want to die; I just did not know how to make the pain stop. I did not know how to make people see me...really see me. I had a total of three suicide attempts. First with a razor blade to my wrist and twice with pills. The second time with the pills was the last suicide attempt I would ever make. As I was being rushed down the hallway in the hospital staring at the ceiling with a glimpse of the tortured faces of my parents in my peripheral vision, it became clear-- I want to live. I want to live! In that moment I chose life...as unpredictable as it had been. Today, when I looked down at my wrist I see the small scar from the razor. Over the years, the cut has shrunken to a little over a quarter inch. It healed with a bit of keloid tissue and it is now my warrior mark.

This small scar oddly links me to my African sisters in a strange way. While it seems that the practice is becoming less and less utilized, scarification for women in some African tribes is a very sacred practice (judge it as you will). Through research you'll find that there are many reasons for these markings. In some cases it is done to beautify the woman, or as part of a spiritual practice, or simply to identify members of a tribe. The marks are often made with a small razor, much like the one I used as a confused and hurting child. So my "mark" looks very much like these tribal markings.  I have decided to reframe and reclaim its meaning. It identifies me with my tribe of warrior women who have overcome trauma (Note: by no means am I advocating self harming. I am talking about acceptance).  My small scar is no longer an indication of pain. Instead, it is a reminder that I am a survivor.  More than that, it is a reminder that I am a warrior; I am an overcomer. Even when I don't know how, I always know that the miracle will come. Then gratitude fills my heart and just for a moment the brokenness mends.

I know that my story is not unique. I know that there are powerful women all around us doing amazing things, while holding a wounded little girl at bay. Like me, those women are also warriors. They are not amazing in spite of their brokenness; they are amazing because the brokenness could not defeat them. And all of us deserve to be loved, wholly and fully. I am grateful that I can proclaim to have found the kind of love that sees me. She sees me and she loves me.

To all those warrior women who recognize themselves in my story, I say --we are one in the same! To them I say--I am glad that you made it! Your experience does not define you. It merely gave you an opportunity to step into your greatness. Now, to all of those women who are fortunate enough to capture the heart of one of these women, I say – – blessed are you! The journey you have accepted will heal, amaze and inspire you both.

Here are 3 very key tips on how to love a warrior women with a wounded little girl inside:

1. If you are trying to be her savior, then you have missed the point. Even more tragic – if
   
   you are trying to be her savior, then you don't fully see her.  It is not your job, nor is it within your power to "fix" her. Besides, it is an exercise in futility to fix something that isn't broken. Your beloved is not broken in that way. The work of healing is hers and hers alone. Your role is to be her respite from the world of--what I call--Earth people who do not fully see her. Your role is to let her know, with consistency of word and deed, that your love is strong enough to hold her vulnerability and her strength.
2. Be committed to doing your own work too. The best thing you can be for your sweetie is the best "you" that you can be. I believe that who we attract as a mate is no mistake. We come together to heal each other, or at least the opportunity is there for us to embrace. We can take it or leave it, but the need for growth will not go away. We will find ourselves repeating lessons over and over until we welcome our individual emotional and spiritual evolution. When we come together, whether consciously or unconsciously, we will share our joy and our pain. Subsequently, we may trigger each other's old wounds. This is not a reason to run, but rather an opportunity to turn and face the familiar for the purpose of healing. I truly believe this. I've seen it for my clients and for myself. When it happens it is a gift.
3. You must be willing to see your warrior woman with what I call "love bifocals". Okay, so the name may sound weird and honestly it even makes me giggle. :-) However it is no joke. Wearing love bifocals means being able to see your beloved it in her dichotomy and celebrate her fully. It means seeing all her parts and loving the whole. You must be able to see her hurt places and hold them gingerly. Sometimes the holding is meant to be literal and other times it means holding her in your heart with compassion and grace. It is about witnessing her story and never, never, never using it as a weapon against her. 

Conversely, wearing love bifocals has another lens. Through the other lens you must be able to see her strength and courage. You must be willing to bear witness to all of her while not holding her on an unattainable, unsustainable pedestal. To genuinely understand this means to love the real person and not the fantasy that might make you feel good, look good to others, or serves as a trophy for your ego. Ahhh...this can be the tricky one. It is not for the faint of heart and not everyone can see through this lens clearly. But if you are able to focus your love bifocals in just the right balance, then you will find yourself gazing at a gem!

Loving a warrior woman with a brokenness is not to be done lightly, nor taken for granted. If you have her heart, treasure it. Share your vulnerabilities with one another as a road map to deeper intimacy. It will anchor you forever when you are able to love her...mind, body and soul. It is not a love of perfection but rather a love of powerful progress.

It is my greatest hope that this article resonates with your spirit and that you find beauty in everything you see. I honor your journey beyond the brokenness and wish you great success as you seek to Create Love in all that you do.



Nya Akoma! (Take Heart)
Imani Evans, MA
www.createloveforwomen.com
www.imanievans.com
www.surviving2thriving.org
http://selfcarefordynamicwomen.blogspot.com
404.944.6409

OTHER ARTICLES by Imani:
Sexless Love: Dealing with Lesbian Bed Death
Who Are You Really Dating? 11 Dysfunctional Dating Personalities
A Femme's View on Studs

My dedication to survivors everywhere!

What if LOVE went viral?

After deep reflection of the amazing Create Love Conference 2014, I am still in awe. I am still trying to soak in the love that we received and witnessed from the more than 125 women in attendance, at our second annual conference. It exceeded our expectations in so many ways. However the most pervasive questions left looming in my mind are as follows: How can we magnify the love felt in that room? Can LOVE really go viral?

I am a YouTube connoisseur. And if you are even slightly inclined to social media these days, you too have perused the plethora of videos on YouTube. You've seen the videos that go viral overnight: a talking cat, laughing babies, or God help us all--the well-sighted twerking mishaps. Well if that amusing ridiculousness can reach millions and millions across the world, why not a message of love? Is it such an incredulous idea to think that love could multiply, spread the globe and connect billions of people? Call me crazy, and it really is okay if you do, but I believe that it is possible! I definitely think it is necessary. One need not look very far to see how a "love deficiency" has reached pandemic proportions.

I once listened to an audio of self-improvement author, Louise Hay, in which she declared that people don't go hungry due to a lack of food, but rather a lack of love. That statement immediately resonated in my soul. There is so much suffering in the world that has nothing to do with the lack of resources to resolve it. I believe that when egos rise, love dies a slow and painful death; People suffer from a love deficiency. 

Evidence of a love deficiency in our society is glaring, baffling and cunning. It is cloaked in the haves and have-nots, the rich and the poor, race debates and social justice platforms. Yet at the end of the day, it all amounts to the ways in which we minimize the humanity of others to advance personal agendas--The ego rising. It is, in fact, a love deficiency. Below are the statistics that illuminate this deficit quite clearly:

Nationwide there are fewer than thirty safe homes for victims of sex trafficking to receive treatment and services. This severe shortage regularly causes their inappropriate placement in juvenile detention facilities. (Streetlight Tuscon, 2012)
http://nefariousdocumentary.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/human-trafficking-statistics-sheet.pdf  

Children below the age of 18 years represent between 40 to 50 percent of all forced labor victims. http://www.compassion.com/child-advocacy/find-your-voice/quick-facts/child-labor-quick-facts.htm  

As many as 2 million children are subjected to prostitution in the global commercial sex trade. (U.S. State Department, Trafficking in Persons Report, 2011)
http://nefariousdocumentary.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/human-trafficking-statistics-sheet.pdf  

After drug trafficking, trafficking in humans ties with the illegal arms industry as the second largest criminal industry in the world today. It is the fastest growing criminal industry. (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2011)
http://nefariousdocumentary.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/human-trafficking-statistics-sheet.pdf  

Women and girls make up 98% of victims of trafficking for sexual exploitation
http://www.equalitynow.org/node/1010  

Preventable diseases like diarrhea and pneumonia take the lives of 2 million children a year who are too poor to afford proper treatment.
http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-global-poverty#  

270 million with no access to health services (1 in 7 children worldwide).
http://www.globalissues.org/article/26/poverty-facts-and-stats#fact3  

An estimated 400 million children lack adequate access to clean drinking water.
http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-global-poverty# 

870 million people worldwide do not have enough food to eat.
http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-global-poverty# 

Nearly half of the world’s population (more than 3 billion people) live on less than $2.50 a day. More than 1.3 billion live in extreme poverty (less than $1.25 a day).
http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-global-poverty# 

Hunger is the number one cause of death in the world, killing more than HIV/AIDS, malaria, and tuberculosis combined. http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-global-poverty# 

Daunting, to say the least! If those statistics don't bring tears to your eyes, inspire you to action, or touch your heart deeply, then I implore you to read them again and check your pulse. This level of suffering should shake up our humanity regardless of religion, political affiliation, sexual orientation, or socio-economic location. It should arise above the barriers that separate us and meet our souls in a common place. If love were a vitamin, we would need high doses to restore the world to a place of stability. For those of us who believe in God (however you speak the name), we must wonder if that omnipotent force is in utter disbelief at the state of our humanity.

Now, I am an eternal optimist. I believe that as long as we have breath, we have opportunity. There is an opportunity to do something different. We have an opportunity to choose something different; We can choose to CREATE LOVE as a way of life. Simply put, love really can go viral! HERE IS MY CHALLENGE TO YOU - 5 Simple Steps to Magnify Love:

• Make a decision to believe in the power of love. It doesn't matter if it sounds like hocus-pocus, or metaphysical jargon. The truth of the matter is that belief is the foundation for manifesting any vision into reality. You must be willing to believe, with every fiber of your being, that it is possible.
• Write the word love on a piece of paper and hang it, tape it, or place it somewhere you can see it every day. This will anchor love into your subconsciousness, as well as your consciousness. We need to soak in the energy of love at every level of our being. In addition, it is the subconscious that dictates much of our behavior.
• Before you wake up in the morning and before you close your eyes at night, take a mere 3 minutes to meditate on the word love. Breathe consciously while you do so. Breathing always activates the life force, helping us bring thoughts into existence.
• Ask yourself, daily, how can I be love in the world today? It is not a matter of having more loving, but rather the art of being the love what to see in the world.

• Finally, share this article with someone else and offer them a random act of kindness. Share this message with someone else and ask them to do the same. Love is healing; Love is true power, Love is a dynamic, always full resource: Love is all there is: And love is for everyone!

It is my deepest hope that this message of love will go viral and touch the lives of many. Either way, only healing and positive shifts can come from our attempts. So let's make this a joint vision to change the course of humanity! I wish you great success as you embark on your journey to be love and to create more love in your life. Do you accept the challenge?

Nya Akoma! (Take Heart)
Imani Evans, MA
Create Love for Women Who Love Women
www.createloveforwomen.com
www.surviving2thriving.org

Happy Single Highlight: FIONA ZEDDE

How long have you been single and why?

I’ve been single for almost two years now, and have chosen to remain so because it feels good. Being single gives me the time and space to indulge my selfish tendencies.

Has being single offered you any personal growth opportunities? No more or less than when I was part of a couple. I’m always growing, changing, and moving forward in my evolution toward becoming a better person.

You have published 12 books. What a great accomplishment! How long have you been writing and what inspires you? I’ve been writing since I was a child, but published my first story in high school, my first internationally distributed short story in 2004, and my first novel in 2005. As for inspiration, it comes to me in all forms; from conversations, dreams, travel, even silence. Nearly anything, if looked at the right way, has some spark of a story in it. My lastest novel, Broken in Soft Places, was actually my graduate thesis. I wanted to bring my past experiences in undergraduate school together with my experiences in Atlanta, because they were so different but also very complimentary to each other. Broken in Soft Places started off being that, but like with any creative process it went an unexpected direction.

How important is writing to being Fiona Zedde? It is everything. The reason I say that is because “Fiona Zedde” is a pseudonym I created. Writing is almost as important to the real me, Fiona Lewis. It’s my therapy, my job, my escape, and my excuse to avoid the world when I’m feeling like a hermit.

Many of your novels are erotic in nature. Talk about the importance of sensuality and eroticism for you as a writer and a feminist. For me, the erotic is an integral part of life. It is healing, life-giving,

sustaining, and good for your skin. We live in our bodies and should celebrate and honor the pleasures that they bring us, as much as we honor and celebrate our souls, spirits, and deepest selves. And the erotic is not always about sex, not always about sharing your body with another; rather it is acknowledging and blessing our physical selves, opening up to bodily pleasures of all sorts whether it’s lying in the sun, tasting the rain, or spending time with your favorite vibrator. Where my work is concerned, I’ve always been in love with the idea of love. This is why I gravitated toward writing romances. And in those romances, there is always sex and sensuality. Being naked to each other under the eyes of the reader is one way for the couples (or threesomes or foursomes) that I write about to open themselves up more fully to each other and share parts of themselves.

Are you similar to any of the characters in your books? If so, which one and how so? If I’m similar to any of them, I’d say it’s Sinclair from my first novel, Bliss. She is open to all of life’s experiences. She wants passion and love, but is also naïve and easily led astray.

As a fellow Aquarius, I can relate to this idea of being naive for love. Would you say that you are still naive? I still feel the same. I idealize love and relationships in general. However, I realize that relationships take a lot of work. You have to get down in the dirt and work it! That has reshaped some of my naivete. 

You are Jamaican born. How does that influence you as an out lesbian living in Atlanta, Georgia? It means not taking being out for granted. I’ve been privileged to see how some LGBT people in Jamaica live – closeted or in fear or without fulfilling intimate relationships – and feel lucky every day that I am able to live my life as I choose.

The term “create love” means so many things to different people. What does “creating love” mean for you? Creating Love means to be the love you want to see in the world. Be the kindness, the fellow-feeling, the passion, the romance, the humanity, the altruism. Once you put what you want out there, you will trigger it in others around you.

As you envision yourself partnered again, what is most important in choosing your next mate? One of the most important things to me in a partner has always been a sense of humor. When you can laugh at life, things usually work out just fine. Where are with your desire to be in a relationship? If it happens it happens but I am not necessarily seeking partnership. I feel like I need that selfish space to create. When I am in a partnership some of that creative energy can shift away from my work. Sometimes I have a hard time with that balance.

What advice would you give to women who are embracing singlehood? Have fun! Do all those things for yourself that sometimes get neglected while in a couple. Pamper yourself. Stay in bed until three in the afternoon with your favorite book if you feel like it. Enjoy these sweet days of luxurious self pleasure.

You can learn more about Fiona Zedde at  www.fionazedde.com
or email: f.zedde@gmail.com

Jamaican-born Fiona Zedde currently lives and writes in Atlanta, Georgia. She is the author of several novellas and novels of lesbian love and desire, including the Lambda Literary Award finalists Bliss and Every Dark Desire. Her novel, Dangerous Pleasures, was winner of the About.com Readers’ Choice Award for Best Lesbian Novel or Memoir of 2012.

Her short fiction has appeared in various anthologies including the Cleis Press Best Lesbian Erotica series, Wicked: Sexy Tales of Legendary Lovers, Iridescence: Sensuous Shades of Lesbian Erotica, and Fist of the Spider Woman.

Writing under the name "Fiona Lewis," she has also published a novel of young adult fiction called Dreaming in Color with Tiny Satchel Press. Her latest novel, Broken in Soft Places, is available now.

**PHOTO CREDITS: TEKA Photography (1 & 4) and She-Driven Photography (2 & 3)

We appreciate you sharing you words and your heart with us a Create Love for Women Who Love Women. We wish you great success in all of your endeavors!

Imani Evans

SharRon Jamison 

www.createloveforwomen.com

  

Happy Single Highlight: Shelly

 
M. Shelly Conner 

from Chicago, Illinois. 

Since you have been single, what have you learned about yourself? I've tended to be a serial monogamist, moving from one relationship to the other with little time in between for focus and reflection.  I think there are certain things about ourselves that we learn in relationships and other things that only show up when we are unattached.  Since I've been single, I've been reminded of things most important to me as an individual. Most of all, I've learned that I really enjoy the pleasure of my own company.  I've learned self-worth. 

For women who are trying to understand their own self-worth, what did you do to learn about and appreciate you?   I practice self-forgiveness and have developed a friendship with myself.  It is important to have a friendship with yourself. Think about how you are with your best friend.  If she was having a hard time you would tell to take it easy and not to be so hard on herself. We do that for our friends but not for ourselves. We should talk to ourselves as we would talk to our best friends. I am working on being a best friend to myself. 

  

What are you doing now to prepare yourself for a healthy relationship? The same things that I am doing to prepare myself for a healthy life... completing my degree, seeing the final manifestation of long term goals (career, publishing, etc.).  What I do for myself will only benefit a relationship. 

  
What areas do you tend to struggle with most in relationships? I'm a bit of a leech. I latch on hard and fast sometimes.  I think people get swept into it but then it can be overwhelming. I think I try to make partners of those who aren't ready for partnerships.  Or at least, I have in the past. I have a tendency to date a person's potential as opposed to their reality.  I've also felt compelled to convince people of my own worthiness. But as previously mentioned, I learned to appreciate my own self-worth since being single. 

  

What characteristics and traits do you find most compatible? Which ones are most problematic and why? Creativity and intelligence (usually academic).  Free-spirited. You have to be fairly open to connect with me.  As such, close-mindedness and stubbornness are problematic.  People who aren't good communicators also are incompatible.  There must be a sense of humor and an appreciation for my type of sarcastic, dry witted, sometimes raunchy, basic assholery.  Jealousy, mean-spirited, and spitefulness have no place near me. 

What are the qualities of your perfect mate?  Honesty, honest communication, sense of self – spiritual as well as physical. I know that unconditional love is hard but I want a person who will strive for it. I want a person who will aspire to do more, be more and see more for self or anything that she is a part of. I have dated a vast range of women but I prefer women of color with natural hair. 

  

What do you love about love? It's absoluteness.  It is complete if you allow it to be. Everything we do is about love... in search of it, in denial of it, distrust of it, and fear of it. 

  

What has being in a relationship taught you about you? That I love being in relationships.  A large part of me loves to share and discover with another. 

  

What do you admire about yourself? My perseverance.  Resilience. I push past fear and move towards my goals. 

  

How would your friends describe you? Many call me a dirty old man...affectionately, of course.  They'd say I'm funny, smart, entertaining and generous. 

  

What do you like to do for fun and why? I like to throw parties. I enjoy having my friends around me in safe environment.  I cook.  I love karaoke.  I have a setup in my basement (The Fun Salon) and my friends have fun singing, dancing, drinking, eating... 

  

What is our love language and how did you learn that about yourself? If I recall, I respond to words of affirmation and acts of service.  I think I give acts of service.  I read the book with an ex.  It didn't help us though.  

  

Finish this sentence…..before I die I want to have a successful writing career and family. 

I love writing too. When did you start writing? I was always a writer. It started as a hobby but I realized that if I wanted others to invest in me that I had to invest in myself. I had to make it a priority; I had to make it my job. I was a teacher for 10 years and I felt that I was “planning B” it without even trying to do Plan A. I had to give it a try. 

What inspires you to write and when people read your books what do you want them to feel, know, say, do, etc?  Life inspires me to write. It's how I process, learn, grow, relate...it's my output. I believe that we have things to learn in this life and we have things to give that reflected our learning. My writing is what I have to give...my expression. 

My novel has yet to find a publisher, but I want people to feel whatever it is I am expressing in the character, the tone, etc. at the time.  For example in my novel everyman, there is someone that I consider a truly deplorable character. Yet what happens to him is a travesty of justice and I expect for the reader to actually feel sorry for him in the moment it occurs. I would like for people to be entertained by the narratives, engaged by the characters, educated by the themes, and moved by the language. 

How important is spirituality to you? Extremely.  I am spiritual but not religious.  I find most religious dogma insufferable and usually don't have much tolerance for those who use it to oppress others. 

  

What important lesson did you learn from your mother that has helped you in life and in relationships? It's ok that there are different types of relationships, friendships.  Not everyone can be a best friend. But it doesn't mean that they can't be any friend.

You can connect with Shelly at:

website: http://mshellyconner.com/
blog: http://mshellyconner.blogspot.com/
Short story "Passing" available in Skin to Skin Magazine (issue 4)  http://www.magcloud.com/browse/issue/674612

 

(Interview conducted by SharRon Jamison)

We thank you for sharing your journey of happiness in singlehood! Your story will encourage, inspire and uplift other singles. We wish you continued success and happiness. www.createloveforwomen.com

Create Love -- Founders 

 Imani Evans and SharRon Jamison

We are looking forward to seeing you at the 2nd annual CREATE LOVE CONFERENCE FOR WOMEN
MARCH 8, 2014

Click here for more info