Kay Oates
Atlanta, Ga.
Kay, since you have been single,
what have you learned about yourself?
Each day, I learn a little more
about myself. If I can say it in one
word it would be GROWTH. I’ve always
known my strength, but singlehood allows me to focus on growing more
comfortable with my authentic self. I love my “me time”! I enjoy my company. I love taking myself on wonderful dates. I am comfortable going to a nice restaurant,
concert, play, and/or movie with myself.
I always so “with myself” and never “by myself”.
What are you doing now to prepare
yourself for a healthy relationship?
In preparation for a healthy
relationship? Honestly, I’m not doing
anything different than what I feel I should do day-to-day. I continually work on loving and treating myself
the way I deserve. I grow in love with
myself more and more each minute of the day.
I know that a healthy relationship can only exist if there is
self-love. I pray, mediate, and seeking
direction from God. I have several
rituals that I do to make sure that I am centered and emotionally healthy. Whether it’s the physical or emotional
detoxing regiments that I do, I know that I am working on making sure that I am
receptive and approachable for what life offers.
In my relationship, I tend to
struggle with sharing my inner fears and insecurities. What areas do you tend
to struggle with most in relationships? Ouch.
Getting out of my own head. I tend to
over think things. If there’s a problem,
the simple thing to do is talk it out…..but NOOOOOO!!! By the time we sit down and discuss the
issue, in my head I’ve figured out what caused it, what the responses will be,
and how we are going to handle it….lol.
This is definitely an area which I continue to work on and pray for more
understanding. I’m really focusing on relaxing
and accepting that I don’t have to fix everything; you know, getting pass that
Superwoman syndrome.
Since you are spending valuable time by
yourself and learning yourself, what characteristics and traits do you now find
most compatible? Which ones are most problematic and why? Honesty, loyalty and
trustworthiness, without a doubt, are the traits that I find most compatible. I am very loyal in ALL of my relationships:
friendship, love, business. I will do my
best to make sure I don’t intentionally hurt anyone and if I learn that my
actions have caused harm, it bothers me.
Controlling behavior, lying and
cheating are the most problematic traits for me. Once I learn that someone is lying to me or
can’t be trusted, I will question everything they ever said to me. If there is no trust, we can’t work together.
AND….once that line of trust has been breached, I release you! We’re done!
No go-backs! No do-overs! It’s that darn Capricorn trait.
Kay, what do you love about love? TRUE love….EVERYTHING.
I love the openness and the restoration that comes with love. I love the growth that loves brings. When I’m truly and honestly loved, I can be
free. I love sharing and creating
memories and then smiling and laughing together over those memories. I love the healing that comes from true
love. I love being comfortable enough to
be vulnerable and trusting that my vulnerability will never be used as a
weapon. I just love LOVE. (Love this Kay)
Every relationships offers rich
lessons about who we are and who we are not. What has being in a relationship
taught you about you? Being in a
relationship has taught me that I really do love deeply and I will give my all
to the RIGHT relationship. I am a
nurturer and once I commit, I will work to make the relationship grow. I don’t take love or a relationships lightly.
Additionally, I’ve learn to trust my
instinct/my first mind. If it doesn’t
feel right, if it doesn’t sound right, believe the things that “aren’t being
said”. No more wait it out. Because of this awareness, I have learned to
never settle. I know my worth and I
deserve the best because I will offer my best.
I understand now that the greatest blessings can come after the deepest
hurts.
I admire that you are such a gentle,
generous spirit who is always ready to offer a kind word to people. What do you
admire about yourself? So many things. I
admire my strong commitment to family and friendships, my ability to empathize
and accept people right where they are without expecting changes to fit my
desires. I also admire my resistance, my
ability to give when I don’t necessarily receive, and my strength in the face
of some really difficult decisions. After my last relationship ended, I went
through a period of deep sadness and it took me some time to feel comfortable
with the thought of allowing anyone in my space. One day I decided “the pity party is
over”. So, I dried my tears, changed my
prayer request, and truly began the healing.
Now, I am at a place of peace and joy.
That’s resistance!!!
How would your friends describe you?
Let me think…..funny, caring,
loving, moody, trustworthy, a loner at times, loyal, good mom, and deep thinker. I believe my true friends will say that I’m a
mixture of these things.
If a person wanted to take you out, what
would you like to do? What do you like to do for fun and why? There are so many things that I like
to do for fun. If I tried to list them
all, it would take up this entire article.
I love quality with my son. He
inspires me. I love the beach, music,
and traveling. Now if I can get all of
three in one adventure….HOORAY. I am
growing and learning to take chances and I love trying new things. I will seek opportunities to go horseback
riding, skiing, zip-lining, learning to rollerblade, or anything that will make
my friends say “girl, you are always doing something different”. I don’t like complacency, so if it sound like
fun, count me in.
How do you experience and receive
love? What is your love language and how did you learn that about yourself? My primary love language is Words of Affirmation and
secondary if quality time. I love quite
moments together, a “just-because” card, sweet call to find out how my day is
going, a simple sticky note that reminds me I’m in someone’s thoughts.
How did I learn that about
myself? LOL…I realized that I was
expressing my love language to my partner and couldn’t understand why it wasn’t
reciprocal. Why? Because it’s my love language.
I constantly remind myself that my current
situation is only a chapter of the greater story which God has designed. Life's circumstances may cause me to be
unhappy, but I'm so glad I still have my joy. There is a difference in
happiness and joy! Because of my
unwavering faith, I can say that I am deliberately, unapologetically GRATEFUL
and full of peace.
Finish this sentence…..before I die
I want to _______________________________.
What important lesson did you learn from your mother that
has helped you in life and in relationships? I wrote in my journal about this
very topic last year when I was dealing with depression, heartbreak and
grief. I will repost my comments.
“My
mother passed away when I was only 13 months. I don’t remember her voice or
even her face (I do have pictures). I miss that mother-daughter relationship.
There are times when her absence is so overwhelming that I feel numb. It is those moments when I feel this
comforting spirit coming around me and providing this soothing for my troubled
spirit. The topic of our mother is somewhat hard for me and my brothers (who
were babies when she died, 7 and 3). I finally got my heart and nerve together
to ask them questions and I am still in tears from the responses of my oldest
brother.
1.
When I am overwhelmed or really
lonely, the small sweet odor of vanilla will come to me; didn’t know why. My
brother said, our mother would put a dab of vanilla behind her ear as perfume
and she often rubbed my body with it when she bathed me.
2.
I will find pennies ANY and
EVERYWHERE and always pick them up; didn’t know why. He told me our mother
ALWAYS collected pennies and kept them in mason jars around the house.”
My mother is around me constantly
and always providing that comfort that I need.
I guess you can say the lesson that I learned from her, even in her
absence, is to surround and support those who are close to your heart.
(Interview conducted by SharRon Jamison)
We thank you for sharing your journey of happiness in singlehood! Your story will encourage, inspire and uplift other singles. We wish you continued success and happiness.www.createloveforwomen.com
Create Love -- Founders
Imani Evans and SharRon Jamison
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