Happy Single Highlight: Kay

Kay Oates

Atlanta, Ga.

Kay, since you have been single, what have you learned about yourself?

Each day, I learn a little more about myself.  If I can say it in one word it would be GROWTH.  I’ve always known my strength, but singlehood allows me to focus on growing more comfortable with my authentic self. I love my “me time”!  I enjoy my company.  I love taking myself on wonderful dates.  I am comfortable going to a nice restaurant, concert, play, and/or movie with myself.  I always so “with myself” and never “by myself”. 

What are you doing now to prepare yourself for a healthy relationship?

In preparation for a healthy relationship?  Honestly, I’m not doing anything different than what I feel I should do day-to-day.  I continually work on loving and treating myself the way I deserve.  I grow in love with myself more and more each minute of the day.  I know that a healthy relationship can only exist if there is self-love.  I pray, mediate, and seeking direction from God.  I have several rituals that I do to make sure that I am centered and emotionally healthy.  Whether it’s the physical or emotional detoxing regiments that I do, I know that I am working on making sure that I am receptive and approachable for what life offers.

In my relationship, I tend to struggle with sharing my inner fears and insecurities. What areas do you tend to struggle with most in relationships? Ouch. Getting out of my own head.  I tend to over think things.  If there’s a problem, the simple thing to do is talk it out…..but NOOOOOO!!!  By the time we sit down and discuss the issue, in my head I’ve figured out what caused it, what the responses will be, and how we are going to handle it….lol.  This is definitely an area which I continue to work on and pray for more understanding.  I’m really focusing on relaxing and accepting that I don’t have to fix everything; you know, getting pass that Superwoman syndrome.    

Since you are spending valuable time by yourself and learning yourself, what characteristics and traits do you now find most compatible? Which ones are most problematic and why?  Honesty, loyalty and trustworthiness, without a doubt, are the traits that I find most compatible.  I am very loyal in ALL of my relationships: friendship, love, business.  I will do my best to make sure I don’t intentionally hurt anyone and if I learn that my actions have caused harm, it bothers me. 

Controlling behavior, lying and cheating are the most problematic traits for me.  Once I learn that someone is lying to me or can’t be trusted, I will question everything they ever said to me.  If there is no trust, we can’t work together. AND….once that line of trust has been breached, I release you!  We’re done!  No go-backs!  No do-overs!  It’s that darn Capricorn trait.

Kay, what do you love about love? TRUE love….EVERYTHING.  I love the openness and the restoration that comes with love.  I love the growth that loves brings.  When I’m truly and honestly loved, I can be free.  I love sharing and creating memories and then smiling and laughing together over those memories.  I love the healing that comes from true love.  I love being comfortable enough to be vulnerable and trusting that my vulnerability will never be used as a weapon.  I just love LOVE.  (Love this Kay)  

Every relationships offers rich lessons about who we are and who we are not. What has being in a relationship taught you about you? Being in a relationship has taught me that I really do love deeply and I will give my all to the RIGHT relationship.  I am a nurturer and once I commit, I will work to make the relationship grow.  I don’t take love or a relationships lightly. 

Additionally, I’ve learn to trust my instinct/my first mind.  If it doesn’t feel right, if it doesn’t sound right, believe the things that “aren’t being said”.  No more wait it out.  Because of this awareness, I have learned to never settle.  I know my worth and I deserve the best because I will offer my best.  I understand now that the greatest blessings can come after the deepest hurts.

I admire that you are such a gentle, generous spirit who is always ready to offer a kind word to people. What do you admire about yourself? So many things. I admire my strong commitment to family and friendships, my ability to empathize and accept people right where they are without expecting changes to fit my desires.  I also admire my resistance, my ability to give when I don’t necessarily receive, and my strength in the face of some really difficult decisions.    After my last relationship ended, I went through a period of deep sadness and it took me some time to feel comfortable with the thought of allowing anyone in my space.  One day I decided “the pity party is over”.  So, I dried my tears, changed my prayer request, and truly began the healing.  Now, I am at a place of peace and joy.  That’s resistance!!!

How would your friends describe you? Let me think…..funny, caring, loving, moody, trustworthy, a loner at times, loyal, good mom, and deep thinker.  I believe my true friends will say that I’m a mixture of these things.   

If a person wanted to take you out, what would you like to do? What do you like to do for fun and why?  There are so many things that I like to do for fun.  If I tried to list them all, it would take up this entire article.  I love quality with my son.  He inspires me.  I love the beach, music, and traveling.  Now if I can get all of three in one adventure….HOORAY.  I am growing and learning to take chances and I love trying new things.  I will seek opportunities to go horseback riding, skiing, zip-lining, learning to rollerblade, or anything that will make my friends say “girl, you are always doing something different”.  I don’t like complacency, so if it sound like fun, count me in.

How do you experience and receive love? What is your love language and how did you learn that about yourself? My primary love language is Words of Affirmation and secondary if quality time.  I love quite moments together, a “just-because” card, sweet call to find out how my day is going, a simple sticky note that reminds me I’m in someone’s thoughts. 

How did I learn that about myself?  LOL…I realized that I was expressing my love language to my partner and couldn’t understand why it wasn’t reciprocal.  Why?  Because it’s my love language. 

I feel grounded and ready to receive love when I tap into the power and wisdom of a Source. How important is spirituality to you? Spirituality is the essences of my being and the very reason I am alive and well.  I’ve experienced some really difficult situations in my life and I know that had it not been for God’s mercy and grace, I would not have made it.  Even when I didn’t know the words to say or when I didn’t feel I had the strength to make it to the next day, I would utter the simple prayer HELP.  For God, that’s more than enough. 

I constantly remind myself that my current situation is only a chapter of the greater story which God has designed.  Life's circumstances may cause me to be unhappy, but I'm so glad I still have my joy. There is a difference in happiness and joy!  Because of my unwavering faith, I can say that I am deliberately, unapologetically GRATEFUL and full of peace.

Finish this sentence…..before I die I want to _______________________________.

….finally have a relationship with someone who wants and loves me as much as I love and want them. 

What important lesson did you learn from your mother that has helped you in life and in relationships?  I wrote in my journal about this very topic last year when I was dealing with depression, heartbreak and grief.  I will repost my comments. 

“My mother passed away when I was only 13 months. I don’t remember her voice or even her face (I do have pictures). I miss that mother-daughter relationship. There are times when her absence is so overwhelming that I feel numb.  It is those moments when I feel this comforting spirit coming around me and providing this soothing for my troubled spirit. The topic of our mother is somewhat hard for me and my brothers (who were babies when she died, 7 and 3). I finally got my heart and nerve together to ask them questions and I am still in tears from the responses of my oldest brother.

1.    When I am overwhelmed or really lonely, the small sweet odor of vanilla will come to me; didn’t know why. My brother said, our mother would put a dab of vanilla behind her ear as perfume and she often rubbed my body with it when she bathed me.

2.    I will find pennies ANY and EVERYWHERE and always pick them up; didn’t know why. He told me our mother ALWAYS collected pennies and kept them in mason jars around the house.”

My mother is around me constantly and always providing that comfort that I need.  I guess you can say the lesson that I learned from her, even in her absence, is to surround and support those who are close to your heart.

(Interview conducted by SharRon Jamison)

We thank you for sharing your journey of happiness in singlehood! Your story will encourage, inspire and uplift other singles. We wish you continued success and happiness.www.createloveforwomen.com

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We're JUST Dating...by Najah Rodgers

Honoring the “We’re Just Dating Stage”

“An often heard truism is that it takes at least seven months for the representative to leave the room and for the real person to show up.” Many of us have found this to be true. If we have been unlucky in love we can pull out a cache of dating experiences, an arsenal of hindsight, and reveal the keloids from heartbreak shrapnel. For some, past relationships can range from Nightmare on Elm Street horror and trauma to the less dramatic and less taxing, “round peg in square hole” or “we just weren’t a good fit.” No matter the previous levels of discomfort, we can still file the relationships or stunted dating experiences into investments that did not yield a life partner. How long did it take for us to see the representative leave the room? Many of us proceeded forward anyway because we had already invested too much to walk away. Too much what of what? Perhaps too much time, money, hope, optimism often by way of denial, to walk away. How could we have preserved ourselves and our sanity if we stayed just dating longer before proclaiming we were in a relationship?

The Seven Month Facade

Are seven months, or if we are going to be honest, much less than 7 months truly enough time to find out what you need to know in order to move into a commitment with someone? Depending on the weight in which we regard our relationships, there is significantly a much greater level of commitment and investment associated with relationships of those seeking something long-term as compared to just dating. This transition from “we’re just dating” to “we are in a relationship” is usually marked with some level of formality, and with good reason. Thinking back to when we were 9, we remember the little folded piece of paper asking, “will you go with me? (check the box) YES or NO” In high school it was symbolized by wearing our amore’s letterman jacket so that not only did we know we belonged to each other, but the whole world (or at least our peers within the high school walls) knew as well. As women loving women, all too often, blurred lines remove the formal transitions from dating to relationship to marriage. Not only are the lines blurred, but the speed in which we move through each stage seems stereotypically fast with us. There is this rush towards the sense of shelter, security and propriety of a relationship and towards the greater destination of marriage of some sort. Often, our desire to reach the end goal is despite the benefits of each step of the journey and the possibility that the journey is not meant to be taken with our most recent dating partner.

If seven months is the magic number for the intentional or unintentional façade to fall, then anything less than seven months of dating is still the precursor to deeper levels of the getting to know you phase; a phase in which no major commitments are required. Would our greater comfort levels with extended times of the just dating phase allow us to avoid the all too familiar, “one second she was this and then all of the sudden she became that!” “That,” being the exact opposite of who we thought she was-like day and night. One second she was so giving and sweet and less than a year later, she was sucking me dry.” “At first she seemed so loyal and all about me and less than a year later, she was sniffing the air every time another woman walked by.” “Low and behold, she was a go-getter, working and going to school, but the moment we moved in together, she said she needed a break from work and I never saw her crack open a book or write a paper for class! Of course, I had to foot all of the bills during her break.”

The flipside of people putting their best face forward and hiding their flaws are those who just put it all out there because they choose to keep it real. They say, “I lay my issues on the line and I am completely transparent from day one!” Those individuals should be applauded for their candidness, however, the cerebral understanding of the issues being relayed by mouth is incomparable to the shared experience of those issues-when we are actually walking through the fire, so to speak. “She told me she had anger issues but I never thought that would translate into her laying her hands on me.” “She told me she liked the finer things and to be spoiled by her mate. I never imagined that would be the sole depth of our relationship.” “She said her family had issues but that she was down for them no matter what. How was I to know her family and their issues would be affecting our lives, our bank accounts, and our personal space on a daily basis?”

Visualizations vs. Delusions

So often many of us are deluded by the temporary high that newness provides. We are hopeful

and expectant. We have spent copious amounts of time creating images in our mind’s eye for whatwe want and deserve. We’ve envisioned this ideal just so, then she comes along. Immediately, insertnew woman into the picture in our minds, overlooking the obvious mismatches and ill-fits. If the new woman possesses even just a few of the qualities and characteristics that we have envisioned that the right woman for us would have, then she must be the one. Hopefulness in this instance, distorts our perceptions. Additionally, many of us are also affected by deep levels of loneliness which can also refract our view of things when an opportunity to end the loneliness arises due to a new dating interest. Whether it be hopefulness or loneliness, both states of being can have a very real effect on our ability to judge a situation with equal levels of openness and objectivity.

In our desire or active search for mates, when we find ourselves with the potential for the relationship that we desire we jump on it, throw ourselves into it, prepare to fall in love donning our rose colored glasses. Rose colored glasses that all too soon crack a lens. Once we’ve gotten the first case of the butterflies we want more and more, like our favorite dish. Attempting to resist the urge for gluttony, but those cravings for togetherness have us moving full steam ahead, giving away so much of ourselves and often without reservations. We believe the best in people and often times our wanting and beliefs match stories that we are fed by our new interest. We simply see what we want to see because we want to. So we proceed, fast in, fast out to find ourselves right back to where we started-with another notch in our belt, another line spoken of “how did I get here,” rubbing our temples, breathing sighs of relief, or lamenting the demise of yet another experience.

Insanity is…Well, You Ought to Know by Now

Quantitatively speaking, at some point deductive reasoning kicks in and that’s when things start looking up for our relationship forecasts. A combination of weariness from hitting brick walls, investments yielding poor kickbacks, broken hearts, public embarrassment, and many other displeasing outcomes of the “rush to relationship” take their tolls. It becomes almost foolish for a woman with much experience to continue to point the finger. We have to decide to change how we do things and how we present our hearts, even those of us who are practitioners of vulnerability and wear our hearts on our sleeves exercise responsibility for ourselves in new ways. We will not be taken, nor will we give everything away. We begin to sound like this “…what I do have is a very particular set of skills. Skills that I have acquired over a long period of time.” The allure of the love drug loses its appeal, the intoxication of a million fluttering butterflies is no longer worth the risk of extending so much of ourselves too soon. It becomes time that we start using not only our hearts, but our heads as well, by reconsidering the significance and benefits of just dating and by utilizing this period for all that it is worth.

With all of this experience under our belts, we begin to get smart about it. Moving on not just with more clarity on who we don’t want and what characteristics we do want in the next one, but with lessons learned about ourselves. Lessons about areas of our own needed growth that we can focus on to make us better partners for our future Loves. Hopefully, we’ve gained more usable information on our comfort zones and how far we are willing to step outside of them. Are we willing to date women with young children again or have we decided that we unapologetically prefer not to? Are will willing to be honest with the next woman about our previous struggles with anger, or drug use, or overspending, overeating and what level of therapy and corrective actions we are in the process of applying? Are we going to be willing to expose ourselves to the type of woman who is able to see us and challenge us? Are we willing to date a woman who will call us out on areas that we may need to improve upon or are we going to remain guarded and living on the surface for fear of discomfort? Do we hide the truth because we are afraid that the next one will use the information against us? Are we willing to date someone who makes minimum wage, who is differently abled, who does not have a college degree, who does not make six figures? Are we willing to communicate in a way that encourages growth, healing and health or are we going to cut the tree down at the base with our tongues the first time we perceive our new love interest to have hurt us?

Becoming Comfortable with the Unknown

If we decide to step outside of our comfort zones for whatever reason, time needs to be allotted for adjustment. Getting it right with the new one is the goal. For many of us, a life partner is our intended destination. With the newness comes a level of zeal. The excitement of a true connection is on the horizon. However, those of us with enough experience, also carry the inverse of zeal; weariness. How many times have we heard, “At my age,” “I been through too much to deal with _______ (fill in the blank),” “After all I’ve been through, I wonder if there is even someone out there for me?” At some point we may have even asked God, our mother, our friends, or even an ex, “what is wrong with me? Why can’t I seem to find my mate?” But, then comes spring-another chance to do it all over again. Here she comes, and with her comes a new opportunity to utilize our experience. Let us not waste it with the insanity of doing the same exact things in the same exact ways again.

As we move forward with our new interest, we understand that she is just that-an interest and not a guarantee. She is a hope and a possibility. She may be worth the world, but she is not worth everything we have right away. Prudence and preservation are key. We know what we are willing and not willing to deal with. We take our expressions of love slower because we want to make sure that we even like her seven months from now. Our professions of togetherness can be placed on hold because the pressure of togetherness is much too heavy a weight to bear and unfair to the youth of our dating experience. Nor are our public proclamations of togetherness necessary right away, no matter how many times we are seen out together and encouraged by well-meaning onlookers who want us to have somebody.

Four Seasons

The goal is not to have someone on our arms just for show, but to experience the adjustments, bargains, explorations, negotiations and growth together, in private, as we have the right to non-disclosure at any stage of our interactions. We move slower because not only are we being responsible, but we are being reasonable. Holding each other at enough high regard to allow time for patience and practice to see if we can create our own personal recipe for a satisfying future relationship. In our new experience we allot more time to explore how well we work together or not. This is the necessary work of the dating stage in which our only investment is to be fully present to engage with each other and consider if we are able to negotiate life and togetherness in ways that are healthy, healing, and harmonious for our spirits. This applies for those of us seeking a fulfilling long-term union.

Just dating is an amazing stage if we are prepared with the wealth gained from previous experience and introspection. It’s a special and necessary period that should not be rushed through with the goal in mind to be in a relationship. To rush through the process would be like licking the icing off of cake batter. What a relief to know that in dating there are no guarantees, no pressure and all that is required is to honor ourselves and each other’s unique experiences while navigating the possibilities or deciding after considerable review and discussion that it’s best to go our separate ways. Whether we wait seven months to see if we can deal with the real or we just date for at least four seasons before we graduate to the stage of a relationship, being in the present each day and giving our best is the investment and the pay-off.

By Najah Rodgers

TAKE THE JOURNEY WITH US...SEPTEMBER 2015

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Happy Single Highlight: FIONA ZEDDE

How long have you been single and why?

I’ve been single for almost two years now, and have chosen to remain so because it feels good. Being single gives me the time and space to indulge my selfish tendencies.

Has being single offered you any personal growth opportunities? No more or less than when I was part of a couple. I’m always growing, changing, and moving forward in my evolution toward becoming a better person.

You have published 12 books. What a great accomplishment! How long have you been writing and what inspires you? I’ve been writing since I was a child, but published my first story in high school, my first internationally distributed short story in 2004, and my first novel in 2005. As for inspiration, it comes to me in all forms; from conversations, dreams, travel, even silence. Nearly anything, if looked at the right way, has some spark of a story in it. My lastest novel, Broken in Soft Places, was actually my graduate thesis. I wanted to bring my past experiences in undergraduate school together with my experiences in Atlanta, because they were so different but also very complimentary to each other. Broken in Soft Places started off being that, but like with any creative process it went an unexpected direction.

How important is writing to being Fiona Zedde? It is everything. The reason I say that is because “Fiona Zedde” is a pseudonym I created. Writing is almost as important to the real me, Fiona Lewis. It’s my therapy, my job, my escape, and my excuse to avoid the world when I’m feeling like a hermit.

Many of your novels are erotic in nature. Talk about the importance of sensuality and eroticism for you as a writer and a feminist. For me, the erotic is an integral part of life. It is healing, life-giving,

sustaining, and good for your skin. We live in our bodies and should celebrate and honor the pleasures that they bring us, as much as we honor and celebrate our souls, spirits, and deepest selves. And the erotic is not always about sex, not always about sharing your body with another; rather it is acknowledging and blessing our physical selves, opening up to bodily pleasures of all sorts whether it’s lying in the sun, tasting the rain, or spending time with your favorite vibrator. Where my work is concerned, I’ve always been in love with the idea of love. This is why I gravitated toward writing romances. And in those romances, there is always sex and sensuality. Being naked to each other under the eyes of the reader is one way for the couples (or threesomes or foursomes) that I write about to open themselves up more fully to each other and share parts of themselves.

Are you similar to any of the characters in your books? If so, which one and how so? If I’m similar to any of them, I’d say it’s Sinclair from my first novel, Bliss. She is open to all of life’s experiences. She wants passion and love, but is also naïve and easily led astray.

As a fellow Aquarius, I can relate to this idea of being naive for love. Would you say that you are still naive? I still feel the same. I idealize love and relationships in general. However, I realize that relationships take a lot of work. You have to get down in the dirt and work it! That has reshaped some of my naivete. 

You are Jamaican born. How does that influence you as an out lesbian living in Atlanta, Georgia? It means not taking being out for granted. I’ve been privileged to see how some LGBT people in Jamaica live – closeted or in fear or without fulfilling intimate relationships – and feel lucky every day that I am able to live my life as I choose.

The term “create love” means so many things to different people. What does “creating love” mean for you? Creating Love means to be the love you want to see in the world. Be the kindness, the fellow-feeling, the passion, the romance, the humanity, the altruism. Once you put what you want out there, you will trigger it in others around you.

As you envision yourself partnered again, what is most important in choosing your next mate? One of the most important things to me in a partner has always been a sense of humor. When you can laugh at life, things usually work out just fine. Where are with your desire to be in a relationship? If it happens it happens but I am not necessarily seeking partnership. I feel like I need that selfish space to create. When I am in a partnership some of that creative energy can shift away from my work. Sometimes I have a hard time with that balance.

What advice would you give to women who are embracing singlehood? Have fun! Do all those things for yourself that sometimes get neglected while in a couple. Pamper yourself. Stay in bed until three in the afternoon with your favorite book if you feel like it. Enjoy these sweet days of luxurious self pleasure.

You can learn more about Fiona Zedde at  www.fionazedde.com
or email: f.zedde@gmail.com

Jamaican-born Fiona Zedde currently lives and writes in Atlanta, Georgia. She is the author of several novellas and novels of lesbian love and desire, including the Lambda Literary Award finalists Bliss and Every Dark Desire. Her novel, Dangerous Pleasures, was winner of the About.com Readers’ Choice Award for Best Lesbian Novel or Memoir of 2012.

Her short fiction has appeared in various anthologies including the Cleis Press Best Lesbian Erotica series, Wicked: Sexy Tales of Legendary Lovers, Iridescence: Sensuous Shades of Lesbian Erotica, and Fist of the Spider Woman.

Writing under the name "Fiona Lewis," she has also published a novel of young adult fiction called Dreaming in Color with Tiny Satchel Press. Her latest novel, Broken in Soft Places, is available now.

**PHOTO CREDITS: TEKA Photography (1 & 4) and She-Driven Photography (2 & 3)

We appreciate you sharing you words and your heart with us a Create Love for Women Who Love Women. We wish you great success in all of your endeavors!

Imani Evans

SharRon Jamison 

www.createloveforwomen.com

  

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In addition to opening Daddi's Toy Store, Ingram also relaunched her popular advice blog from AOL and MySpace as Daddi's Favorite Toys http://daddisfavoritetoys.wordpress.com.  "I never considered myself a blogger until my partner was looking through some of my old files and commented that I had a large following.  It was her foresight that encouraged me to link my advice blog with the online store.  In the past, when I wrote about or commented on sex products, I always gave people links to other sites to purchase the product.  Now, I can not only give them a link to the product but I can also offer discounts and deals on the product" said Ingram with a hearty laugh.

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NEW BEGINNINGS: What are you REALLY willing to do?

'Tis the season for resolutions and proclamations of change for the new year. Personally, I find New Year's resolutions to be overrated and chock full of guilt for what you didn't accomplish in the previous year. Instead, I prefer to shift the way I look at change. I see it as embracing a new beginning. However, the birth of something new always requires the destruction of what was. Now, that is the part that sends us gripping on to the past for dear life; For we resist change even as we seek it. My question for you today is, what are you willing to give up in order to embrace a new beginning in your life?

First let's explore the idea of destruction as the impetus for creation. One of my favorite

figures in Egyptian mythology is the goddess named, Sekhmet. Sekhmet was a fierce goddess of war and great destruction. Her temper was uncontrollable and in a fierce rage she nearly destroyed all mankind, had it not been for Ra. Now, while Sekhmet was a fierce destroyer of enemies, she was also known as a great healer. All who feared Sekhmet also understood that upon her restoration of satisfaction, she would bring great celebration and joy. We see this kind of destruction before creation in just about every major religion. In Christianity the Big Bang theory is the most famous story of destruction to creation that we can see. But there are even more examples in the Bible and the Quran, such as the story of Job and others.

You might even have personal stories in your own life that demonstrate this point quite well. Think about the times where you had a very traumatic, or devastating, experience that turned out to transform your life into something more beautiful than you had ever imagined. It is not that you would have wished for the devastation, but sometimes that is the only way we will let go of what was. I can think of someone I know who had to face and battle cancer in her life. When she got her diagnosis, she was climbing the corporate ladder and had all the trimmings of success. Although, she was not really happy. Nevertheless, she was climbing the ladder of success because it was what she was "supposed" to do. When she got the news of cancer, it devastated her life. She fought this vicious disease and ultimately won. She survived and is cancer free. But this traumatic experience propelled her forward to a greater purpose. She started a nonprofit that has, quite possibly, saved hundreds of lives. She now travels the world and speaks on surviving and finding purpose in the pain. She is now saving lives and following her bliss.

Neither the story of Sekhmet, nor the one of my friend with cancer, has to be your gateway to a new beginning. You can be propelled there by a traumatic experience, or you can simply choose to destroy old beliefs, thoughts and patterns that are standing in the way of your new beginning. I am not suggesting this to be an easy task; If it were we would not need powerful stories like the one of Sekhmet and Job to remind us of this truth. To that end, I'd like to offer some tips to help you embrace a new beginning as you move forward into 2014. And if you are in a relationship, embracing change and growth as an individual is a wonderful gift to give your partnership. Relationships should not be stagnant, but rather should seek to grow and build on what is good.

• Create a vision of what you desire: one of my favorite thought leaders is Anthony Robbins. He was the first to really help me grasp the idea of seeing what is next for me as a critical element to manifesting it. If you look at really famous and successful people, one of the common denominators in their story is how they could see themselves already there. The well known comedian, Jim Carrey, talks about writing a check for $1 million to himself and keeping it in his wallet. He would visualize himself cashing that check one day. And he did! There are many ways for you to develop your vision. You can do a vision board, write a story of your success in the present tense, or you can make it a daily meditation... Or if you are really ready to do something fantastic, try them all! Here is a great link for a step by step guide to creating vision board: How to Make a Vision Board

• You must believe that your vision is possible: beliefs create thoughts and thoughts create things. If you want to really check out what you believe about yourself, simply look at your life. You might say you believe in wealth and maybe on some level you do. However, if your life is full of lack and limitation then there is a deep belief that must be shifted in order to create what you desire. There are some really dynamic thought leaders and authors who illuminate this principle really well: Lisa Nichols, Wayne Dyer and Iyanla Vanzant to name a few.  One of my favorite books on this subject is The Power of The Subconscious Mind, by Joseph Murphy.  OMG, it is my "manifesting new things" bible! I plan to be revisiting it this year as I embark on new beginnings for myself.

• Fly with birds going in your direction: this is a fancy way of saying that you must share your vision of a new beginning with like-minded thinkers only. Not everyone is going to be able to cheer for you. Sometimes that may even include a romantic partner. It is okay. When you are charging ahead toward something new, it is an ever present reminder to some people of the things they are not accomplishing in their own lives. It is not that they do not wish you success. However, the mirror that you reflect to them can sometimes be too painful. Other times people will project their own fears onto you. These are the naysayers. The naysayers are uncomfortable with taking risks and doing anything new. After all in order to do something new you have to be willing to take a risk. Therefore, It is imperative that you find someone who is headed in the same direction, with the same intensity and passion, in order to fully share your vision. It is also important to remember not to linger with any animosity toward the naysayers. While their lack of encouragement feels personal, it actually has nothing to do with you. Waste no time on it, because what we focus on magnifies.

So, I will end this article in the same way that it started, with a question: what are you willing to destroy in order to create what you desire in your life? I encourage you to revisit

this article frequently as you create a plan for a new beginning. I will be claiming success for you. Revisit the tips as part of your action plan. Sometimes we have to behave our way to success. There is a saying in the 12 step program of recovery that "self-esteem is built by doing estimable acts, one at a time". Conversely, success is built by one successful action at a time. Once you create your vision, then set your goals, then take one action step every single day toward the success of your vision. Behave your way to change while you are shifting your belief system. I hope you come back to share your plans as well as updates of your success. I wish you great triumph as you embark on all of your new endeavors.

Nya akoma!

Imani Evans, MA
www.createloveforwomen.com
www.surviving2thriving.org
imani@surviving2thriving.org
404.944.6409

SharRon and I look forward to seeing you at the 2nd Annual Create Love Conference for Women Who Love Women!

SAVE THE DATE: Create Love Conference 3/8/14

WOW! We cannot believe that it's already time to gear up for the second annual Create Love Conference.  The first conference was absolutely amazing! There were 100 women who love women there networking, growing, and loving TOGETHER.  This conference is for singles, couples, or poly's. We exceeded our expectations and plan to do so again in 2014.

Create Love Press Kit 2013-2014

Register EARLY (by December 15, 2014) pay only $79 and have your name entered into a raffle for a free hotel stay to used during the conference or at a later date. REGISTER HERE

WHY SHOULD YOU ATTEND THE CREATE LOVE CONFERENCE 2014?

• The workshops we have in store for you are packed with essential relationship information:
  
  TOUCHY TOPICS-The 7 main topics that derail relationships and RAISING THE EROTIC CONSCIOUSNESS-Exploring Love Through Sensuality, Sexuality and Intimacy. We will also have some fun performances, games and an awesome.
• Meet new women for friendship and camaraderie. Become a part of the Create Love family!
• Experience the dynamic Marketplace.  We will have vendors with a myriad of products, goods and services to enjoy. 
•  An opportunity to network and enjoy a fun, informative and beautiful day with like-minded women.

PRESS RELEASE: Create Love for Women Who Love Women launched in September 2012 with an explosion of excitement in Atlanta’s LGBTQ community. It was founded by long-standing community advocates, Imani Evans and SharRon Jamison. This powerhouse duo came together as counselor and minister to offer a platform for women who love women to build, sustain and celebrate healthy relationships. Create Love garnered a momentum that has sky rocketed in popularity with more than 60,000 hits to their website, nearly 2300 women in a private Facebook group and numerous radio interviews under their belt. And they show no sign of slowing down now.

The founders of Create Love state, “It takes a village to support a successful relationship and we want Create Love to be that village. This is more than a vision it is a movement to redefine the way we build healthy, loving relationships.” Create Love offers an informative blog with virtually 100 articles to date, covering topics from learning how to fight fair, spirituality, finances, sensuality and sexuality. There are also numerous interviews with couples who are creating love and modeling relationships, for us and by us. There is even a highlight on happy singles, showing that you don’t have to be in a relationship to celebrate love. Jamison and Evans say, “Create Love is for any woman, single or partnered, who wants to be empowered in this love movement.” Imani and SharRon are proud to announce that their blog came in second place for Creative Loafing’s Best of Atlanta 2013. What an exciting accomplishment in less than one year!

Create Love for Women Who Love Women also offers workshops, panel discussions and the annual Create Love conference. The first conference, held in February 2013, had an amazing turnout with nearly 100 women in attendance. They are anticipating doubling that number at the second annual conference to be held on March 8, 2014, at the Decatur Marriott. The conference will include workshops presented by Imani and SharRon, performances, interactive exercises and a dynamic marketplace. Create Love for Women Who Love Women has proven itself as a force in our community. They are looking forward to continued growth and expansion in their mission to empower women and sustain healthy relationships. Stay tuned because Create Love is, indeed, on the rise.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Create Love For Women Who Love Women

P.O. Box 5389

Atlanta, GA 31107

404.944.6409

imani@surviving2thriving.org
sharronejamison@gmail.com

www.createloveforwomen.com

BECOME A SPONSOR OR VENDOR FOR CREATE LOVE. Expose your products and services to hundreds of women through our marketing efforts and the day of the conference. 

SEE MORE INFO HERE

Who Are You Really Dating? 11 Dysfunctional Dating Personalities

Anyone over 30 on the dating scene is sure to have a plethora of stories to tell. And hopefully the joyful ones outweigh the nightmares. Dating as an evolved, self-aware woman is not for the faint of heart. The willingness to open your heart requires taking a risk. It is a leap of faith into the dating abyss. Some of us come out running and wondering whether or not it was worth the trouble. Well, beloveds, it is most certainly worth the risk in order to find the one. However, you have to be self-aware and lead with a healthy balance of intellect and emotion. This requires you to pay attention to the person in front of you and not the fantasy in your head. Too often this is where women struggle in the quest for romantic bliss. Then when the fog is lifted you are left scrambling for the exit. Save yourself the trouble and pay attention with both your head and your heart.

In my work with individuals and couples I have found several relationship personality types that emerge with consistency. I'd like to offer you some insight on the dysfunctional dating personalities that I've seen in my personal life and on my counseling couch. As you scroll through the list you might see some of your exes, friends, or if you're really being honest – yourself. That is not necessarily problematic unless it is out of balance. For example, if you are going through something it is natural to be a little more clingy and self-centered than you might be otherwise. However, if it is more than a moment in time and is present more often than not, then you might want to consider if this list is calling your name. And if that is the case, don't fret. CREATE LOVE is about growth and loving each other through the progress. Remember, change begins when you seek it.

11 DATING PERSONALITY TYPES:

1) THE CLING-ON: The Cling-On latches on very quickly. She has a desire to be around you all the time. Within the first couple of days of meeting you she is calling you her baby. She is booed-up before she even knows much about you. She really doesn't have a sense of needing space. Where you are is where she wants to be. With minimal reciprocity from you, she is attached. She is needy even to the point of neglecting her own priorities. Her sense of validation comes from being connected to you. She texts and calls you more than usual and feels abandoned if you are not doing the same. She can't get enough of you and has a need for attention that is a black hole you can never really fill to satisfaction.

2) THE RUNNER/CHASER: The Runner/Chaser is thrilled about the pursuit. She wines and dines and/or seduces you well. She talks of wanting to be in a relationship and believes the words as they leave her mouth. She hopes that you might be the one. She is courting you and excited by the chase. If you are playing hard to get, she is more determined than ever. However, as soon as you turn and say, "yes", she heads for the hills! She is thrilled by the chase but landing is way too scary, or makes her feel too vulnerable and uncomfortable. She is afraid of deep connection for one reason or another. Maybe she got her heartbroken before, or maybe she doesn't trust anyone to fully love her. Whatever the case may be, you must be very cautious because she will keep you in a loop of distancing and pursuing that can be mind numbing. You look the most attractive to her on your way out of the door. It is you who will have to decide to finally get off of the merry-go-round.

3) THE FIXER: The Fixer suffers from "save a sister syndrome". She has a profound need to be needed. She is all about resolving whatever problems you show up with. Now, this may sound appealing at first and may have the appearance of altruism. But beware that the fixer's need to be needed has more to do with her own emptiness than anything else. She often feels resentful at the fact that no one gives like she gives. Fixers can be martyrs and perceive themselves as the great sacrificer. She feels a misguided sense of gratification by being able to "save" you...Even if you didn't ask. Many times it is really herself that she is trying to save. Your dependence on her feeds her self worth, despite the fact that she will probably complain about giving and never getting.  The truth is that she is not as open to receiving as she might think.

4) THE SECRET KEEPER: The Secret Keeper never really fully reveals herself to you. This is not to say that she is a liar. To the contrary, integrity is probably one of her values. To her, omitting is not the same as lying. No one ever has all of the pieces. Vulnerability is not her strong suit. However, she may very well require it of you. She is a master at keeping things close to the chest. She may be charismatic enough that you won't even know how little you actually know about her. You may be dating her for six months or more before you find out things that others would consider basic information. And if you stumble upon her secrets before she is ready to reveal them she may feel invaded. The only person she wholly trusts is herself. She may have been deeply betrayed in her past and won't take the risk of further violation easily. Rest assured if you are dating the Secret Keeper, mutual disclosure is not on the menu. Breaking down her wall of armor is a job for a superhero.

5) THE COLLECTOR: The collector is just what it sounds like. She collects women like others might have a hobby. It is not about possessing women, but rather an unclear vision of what she truly wants. Therefore when you inquire about her dating life you will find various types of women. She might even say "I don't have a type" with pride. Her relationships are in a string of serial monogamy. She goes from one to the other with ease. At the heart of her issue may be a fear of intimacy or just an unrealistic expectation of relationships.  She is, what I call, a surface-dweller because she doesn't put in the effort to go too deep. She is not very comfortable unless she is in a relationship, but doesn't have a real sense of how to commit for the long haul.

6) THE SUCCESS SEEKER: The Success Seeker craves a certain lifestyle and/or attention. She hasn't quite figured out how to garner it for herself, so she is attracted to strong, powerful and successful women. Now, "I ain't saying she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke..." -LOL. She would never perceive herself as using these women. Instead she sees herself as seeking someone who is equally yoked. The problem is that on her end she only shows up with potential. The Success Seeker loves life in the limelight and wears is it well. At times, her jealousy will peek out and come across as insecurity. You will have to watch your bank account closely if you are dating the Success Seeker. It is not so much that she wants to use you, it is really that she wants to be you.

7) THE PAYMASTER: The Paymaster is strongly identified with her ability to handle your stuff. While she doesn't think of herself as buying love, that is exactly what it amounts to. Not only will she pay for dates, gifts and trips, she will also take care of your bills. She is probably well accomplished professionally and has acquired a wide range of toys to show for it. She will court you at some whole other level. Sounds wonderful, right? Wrong! See the Paymaster is overly identified with her money and her professional self. She believes that it costs to be the boss. So on the other end of her giving is indeed an expectation. The expectation may not be spoken, or she may not even know what it is herself. Yet have no doubt that if you don't fulfill it she will make you pay. Remember when your mother told you that nothing in life is free? Well, if you are dating the Paymaster you will soon discover mother was right!

8) THE DRAMA QUEEN: The Drama Queen is in need of a stage so that she can stop acting out in her life. Her life is filled with one crisis after another. You will probably be in awe at how she experiences one issue after another. Of course, she will swear that it is not about anything she is doing. Life seems to be happening to her instead of her having a handle on living fully. Chaos seems to find her like a magnet and drama puts her at center stage, where she truly loves to be. She is probably creative and talented and lured you in with her right-brain prowess. Initially, dating her is exciting and passionate. She is willing to do anything once but can be impulsive. You will enjoy the show momentarily, but you will soon be looking for at the curtain to be pulled. Enjoy it while you can because in the end she may very well wear you out.

9) THE PLEASER: The Pleaser is driven by fulfilling your needs. If you are taking her to the movies and dare to ask what she wants to see, she will be quick to respond "whatever you want to see". And that will pretty much be her stock response for most things. Your happiness is paramount, even to the sacrifice of her own needs. Her own needs disappear and she is driven by a yours. Her sense of self is lost in her desire to please. It is not that she is devoid of needs, but your disapproval is too great of a risk for her to make too many requests. She has probably had a long history of people-pleasing to the extent that it feels normal. She is not as comfortable receiving pleasure as she is giving it to you. This may be appealing to some, but you are never really getting a full person to love.

10) THE SEX MASTER: The Sex Master borders on being a sex addict. In some cases, she may very well have a sex addiction. She is driven by the thrill of seduction. She may ooze sensuality in everything she does. While you are talking to her she is imagining kissing your lips. She feels fulfilled by making love to you and she may be extremely good at what she does. She has honed her technique because you will never be able to say she didn't know what she was doing. But like any addict, the thrill is never as good as you build it up to be. And after she has had you the way she wanted her interests starts to wane. As bad as you might feel about this, she probably feels even worse. She is trying to find love through sex and is consistently disappointed that she never does. She may even stay in an unfulfilled relationship simply because the sex is good. It is a futile battle for her and for you.

11) THE STORYTELLER: The Storyteller is living in a 24-7 fantasy.  She will have phenomenal tales of things that she has done with no concrete evidence of any of it. She may keep you at a distance from her family and long term friends for fear that they will bust the bubble.  The details will start to be misaligned if you are paying close attention.  In short she is a liar. She lies about her job, experiences and anything else that will mask her deep seeded low self-esteem. She dislikes who she is so much that it is more rewarding to make a up a story in which she is the lead.  She may rationalize these stories by saying that she tells people what they want to hear.  She may even have a hard time telling fact from fiction herself because she has been telling the lie for so long. Too bad she doesn't use her powers for good because she'd probably have a best seller on her hands.  Unfortunately, that won't be any consolation for your feelings of betrayal once your blinders have been removed.

Once you have gone through the whole list, I encourage you to read it again. Sometimes it takes a second look to recognize yourself, exes, or your current sweetie. Remember that while you might see some of these characteristics in many people, it is really more about a consistent pattern of behavior. If you do not recognize yourself in this cast of characters it may mean that you have evolved toward better balance. Whether you see yourself in this list or someone whom you are dating, the remedy is still the same; Do your personal work to help you see clearer and choose more wisely.  The goal is to select a mate from an empowered place of fulfillment versus a place of emotional "woundedness". 

We manifest people in our lives because they reflect some facet of where we are in that moment. For example, if you have a pattern of attracting The Runner you might want to consider your own intimacy issues. It is easier to blame the other person for not giving you what you want. However the real work is in facing why you are consistently choosing that experience. This is not about judgment because judgment breeds shame. It is about being courageous enough to tell the truth. It is about gathering the information needed to be empowered with choice. You are where you are for a reason.  Embrace that fact with compassion and get the lesson that the Universe is trying to offer you.

Wherever you are in your dating journey, I wish you great success on your quest to find love. You are worthy of all the bliss you can stand. My hope is that you release the idea of falling in love in exchange for the power of CREATING love.

Nya Akoma,

Imani Evans, MA
www.createloveforwomen.com
www.surviving2thriving.org
http://selfcarefordynamicwomen.com
imani@surviving2thriving.org
Office: 404.368.8827

MORE ARTICLES: Forgiving the Unforgivable; I SEE YOU-Learning to be Vulnerable for LOVE; ARE YOU READY FOR LOVE- Facing The Fear of Intimacy

Join us for this wonderful upcoming workshop on successful lesbian dating!

REGISTRATION INFORMATION HERE