4 Things I Love To Hear

There are a few phrases that I really like to hear from people who claim to love me. The first phrase that I enjoy hearing is “I love you”.  For some reason, when people tell me that they love me I feel connected, cherished, and treasured.  It is not that I romanticize the 3 words, but the meaning that I assign to those 3 words touches me at my very core. Just hearing a sincere “I love you” releases positive energy throughout my body and adds an extra pep in my step. When said from a trusted loved one, “I love you” can really make my day.

Another statement I like to hear from people who claim to love and respect me is the phrase “You are important”. Just hearing that small phrase makes me feel that my needs, desires and wants are a priority in their lives too. And for some reason, when a person assures me that I am important to them, I feel that I can let my guard down. I don’t feel as if I have to be concerned about defending my ideas, opinions and perspectives. Just hearing “you are important” from a trusted loved one makes me feel accepted, open and most of all, relaxed.

“I apologize” is another phrase that touches my heart. I don’t know about you, but when I hear a heartfelt apology, I feel heard, understood and considered. For some reason, receiving a sincere apology has a

soothing and healing effect on my soul.  And just knowing that a person I love acknowledges that they intentionally or unintentionally offended, wounded, hurt or disrespected me ushers in forgiveness compassion, and reconnection. For me, “I apologize” opens my spirit and fills it with kindness, consideration and empathy for the person who initially hurts me.

The last phrase that I hold dear is “I promise”. When people say “I promise”, I feel a sense of comfort and security; I feel peace. Why? Because there is something to be said about a woman who honors her word and says what she means and means what she says.

If keeping promises are so important and so vital to the health of our relationships, why don’t we honor our word? Why has integrity become so rare? Why has the phrase “I promise” lost its veracity?

I don’t claim to know all of the reasons why keeping promises are becoming optional or mere afterthoughts. But I do have 2 views that I hope you will consider before you make another promise to yourself or to a loved one.

Thought #1: Keeping promises are becoming rare because people are failing to think about what they are committing to PRIOR to saying “I promise”. Just consider your own life. How many times have you made commitments without considering the time requirements, costs, sacrifices, compromises or emotional gymnastics required to follow-through on your promises?  If we are honest, we all can admit that we have said “I will”, when we knew that our answer should have been “I won’t”.  So here are some steps that will hopefully help you when you are considering making promises to yourself and to others.

•  Always clarify what is being asked. Ask questions, ask for examples, ask for potential scenarios or ask the person to paint an emotional picture of the request if need be. But never agree to anything before you have a comprehensive understanding of the request.
• If you can’t fulfill/honor the request, offer a solution or an alternative. Tell them what you can do vs. what they want you to do. Hold your ground even when/if they try to persuade, coerce or manipulate you.  The bottom line is this - don’t agree to something that you know you can’t fully fulfill or accept.
• Once an alternative/agreement is accepted by both parties, re-state the promise to ensure that you both are on the same page. It may be even helpful to follow-up with an e-mail so that both of you are crystal clear about the agreement..

Keep in mind that promises are contracts, agreements and vows. If you are unwilling or unable to honor, comply or fulfill a promise, say so. Honor yourself and honor her with the truth.

Thought #2: Acknowledge when the promise can no longer be honored. And when appropriate, re-negotiate. Promises are not made to be broken, but they can be amended, especially when values and variables change. Why? Because as you develop, evolve or mature, promises that you made earlier in your life and/or in our relationship may no longer support you emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and/or physically. In fact, honoring promises that no longer respect and support you is counterproductive and destructive to your own personal evolution, spiritual journey and physical health. And, if you continue to follow old beliefs, behaviors and practices that are not consistent with who you are currently, your self-esteem and your ability to self-actualize could be jeopardized.

So here are some examples of promises that partners make to each other that may need to be amended, re-negotiated or withdrawn.

• Honoring a promise to stay with a partner who is abusive, addicted and/or discouraging, is a not a good promise to keep.
• Honoring a promise that requires self-surrender, self-sabotage, self-flagellation and self-degradation is not a promise to keep.
• Honoring a promise to do anything that does not respect your growth, development, dignity, integrity, self-esteem, self-care, goals or personal vision is not a promise to keep.
• Honoring a promise to stay in a monogamous relationship when monogamy no longer works or appeals to you is not a good promise to keep.

Remember, “I promise” is a powerful statement of commitment that should not be taken lightly. It is a phrase that has healing, bonding, maintaining and building power. When used with honesty, openness and integrity, it is a statement that breeds trust, respect, loyalty and vulnerability. So use “I promise” thoughtfully. Be precise, define the parameters, discuss expectations and amend when factors and feelings change. So when you give your word, your word will mean something.

“I love you”, “You are important”, “I apologize” and “I promise” – 4 phrases that can add life and healing to you and to your relationship. I hope you use all 4 thoughtfully, honestly, prayerfully and lovingly.

Blessings as you make promises that help you CREATE Love that your heart and mind desires and deserves!

SharRon Jamison

www.Createloveforwomen.com

www.SharRonJamison.com

www.ICanDependonME-SharRonJamison.com

SharRonEJamison@gmail.com

H.O.W. to Love

Love and healthy relationships are something that we all desire and deserve. We all want to feel appreciated and acknowledged, safe and secure, celebrated and cherished, and embraced and engaged. We all want and need to feel loved. The challenge, however, is that many of us struggle with giving and receiving love. In many ways, we don’t know H.O.W. to give or receive love in a way that honors ourselves and our partners. But what I know for sure is that there are three very important steps that are required to CREATE Love that is supporting, sustaining and most all, satisfying.

The first step to giving and receiving love is the practice HUMILITY. Over the years, being humble has gotten a bad rap because we usually associate humility with being weak, shy or timid. But it takes a strong and confident person to be humble. It takes a secure person to appreciate that she is not higher than you or lower than you, but that you are equals.  Humility is important in a relationship, and  without it, you will not experience the depth of love that you desire.  If you want true intimacy, you must practice humility.

Humility is also important because it keeps the relationship killers away.  What are relationship killers?  They are pride and arrogance.  Believe me, nothing kills a relationship faster.  Just think about your current friendships and relationships. Do you like to interact with people who are smug, self-righteous, egotistical or conceited? I bet you don’t.  I don’t either. And, if you think of the top reasons why relationships and friendships fail, I am confident that pride and arrogance somehow played a role. Both of them create emotional barriers and emotional distance in a relationship. Pride shuts people out, and arrogance shuts them up. Both are hazardous to any relationship.

What are some ways to exercise more humility in your relationship? I am glad you asked.

·         Realize that you don’t know everything. Your partner has her own perspectives, opinions, traditions, customs, beliefs, and systems. She does not have to abandon hers to partner with you and you don’t own the market on truth.  Remain teachable. You don’t and will never know everything about your partner because she is not static. So don’t assume that you do. Ask questions and show interest. Also, ask for advice. She may know more than you know about certain subjects.

·         Practice forgiveness. In other words, Give up your past hurts and disappointments, FOR a better future. Remember the forgiveness you extend, will one day be the same forgiveness you will need. Act responsibility too when you hurt people. Humble people accept accountability when they hurt others, even it if they hurt unintentionally.  Don’t gloat or criticize when you are right. Nobody wants to hear “I told you so” or “you should have listened to me” or “you should have asked me”. Keep in mind that people who gloat are usually alone and friendless.

·         Remember that you also have skeletons in your closet so  don’t judge, especially when you don’t know or have the facts. And remember, even when the facts, you still MAY NOT have understanding.

·         Remember that humility means different things to different people; humility is influenced by a person’s culture. So make sure you know the culture, and then practice humility.

The second step to giving and receiving love is to remain OPEN. Openness is key because it is the ability to welcome and invite people into your presence, and at the same time, make them feel safe. It is the invitation and the request to bring all of who are you to the relationship. Openness is a wonderful gift to give someone, but openness is sometimes difficult for us to accept and practice. Why? Because society, families, churches and other external factors have forced us to hide or conceal parts of who we are. We have in many ways been rewarded and encouraged to lie, or at least obscure the truth. But like the saying goes, “I rather be hated for who I am, than to be loved for who I am not”. 

So, who are you? Only you really know, and only you can really tell.  So strive to be open, honest, direct and sincere. Challenge yourself to be transparent and vulnerable.  But remember that openness does not guarantee acceptance or agreement, but it does promote awareness. And, many times awareness is what we need to feel acknowledged and appreciated. How you can you encourage openness in your relationship? Remember the following.  A closed mouth does not get fed. Openly express your needs, desires and wants so that they can be addressed.

·         A closed mind can’t be lead. Remain receptive, approachable and teachable. Always be willing to learn about yourself, your partner and your relationship. And most of all, try not to label or categorize things you don’t understand. Increase your tolerance for ambiguity.

·         A closed book does not get read. In many ways, your life is a book of experiences. Let your partner read your book so that she can win at loving you. Without data, people do damage.  Nothing good comes from being closed.  Opportunities mainly come from opening your mouth, mind, heart and soul. So be open - to love, to learning and to life.

The finally way to love is to be WELCOMING. Being welcoming not only means being friendly, kind and generous, it also means being accepting. And, there is a difference between being open and welcoming too. Openness says I am receptive to you, however welcoming says I receive you.  Welcoming says I accept you, hear you, grasp you, get you, and meet you. Being received and admitted into a person’s heart can be life-changing. In many respects is a way of saying I love you - warts and all. Acceptance is powerful; it is one of our greatest human needs.

Welcoming, acceptance, is also one of the ways that we communicate respect and dignity for others. It is one of the ways we communicate value to our love ones. You want a loving relationship, be welcoming. I will discuss the importance of acceptance in greater detail at the CREATE Love conference.

So H.O.W do you love? Practice Humility, Exercise Openness and Be Welcoming. These three decisions can make a good relationship, great. Also, three decisions can make you better as a person and partner. So when you don’t feel good about yourself or your relationship, ask yourself one question: H.O.W.am I loving me and my partner? As the saying goes, the truth will set you free.

I look forward to exploring some of these concepts in greater detail at the CREATE LOVE Conference. Imani and I look forward to seeing you there. Be sure to register!

Blessings,

SharRon Jamison, 

Author of I Can Depend on Me

Are We REALLY Ready for Marriage?

"We can no longer use the failing heterosexual model as our guide for healthy lesbian relationships. We must build our own template for success." Create Love for Women Who Love Women

Since the 70's we have been in an active battle for marriage equality.  The great news is that we are on the precipice of realizing our dream in full.  We are able to legally marry in 9 states--Connecticut, Iowa, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York, Vermont and Washington--as well as the District of Columbia and 2 Native American Reservations. And we will be successful with the rest of the country…I truly believe that marriage equality is inevitable.  

So the question is, are we really ready for the great responsibility? For clarity, my question is not regarding the right to parity. Of course, without question, we are deserving of the same civil rights that the rest of the country enjoys.  But rather my query is about our readiness for this vast responsibility on an intimate level. See, being denied equality has afforded some of us the room to play house.  In other words, we get the emotional benefits of referring to someone as “wife” without all of the duties and responsibilities for what that means. Conversely, some of us have done a fabulous job at crafting a marriage, legal or otherwise.  But if we are family, and I believe that we are, we have to be honest with each other for the sake of our growth. There are those in our family who have not done a great job; and they have been able to hide behind the fact that our marriages have been illegal, until recently. 

It is imperative to ask yourself some very serious questions about your readiness to step into the world of marriage. We know that anywhere from 40 to 50% of heterosexual marriages end in divorce. And second and third marriages have an even higher failure rate. So the template for same gender marriages must be crafted by us for us. That is our only hope to long-lasting unions. Ask yourself are you ready for “until death do you part?” Are you ready to forsake all others? Are you ready to share half of your acquisitions? Are you ready to have your wife make decisions about your health care in the event that you are incapacitated? Of course there are no guarantees in anything, but if you answered yes to most of these questions then you just may be ready to take on marital bliss!

Below are some suggested steps to consider before walking down the aisle:

1) Don’t be afraid to have the hard conversations: Romance and passion has a unique way of anesthetizing those things that can later become quite frustrating in a marriage. The hard conversations include, but are not limited to, some of the categories below.

--Finances – how will bills be paid? Will it be based on income equity, or will it be half of everything? Will you share bank accounts, or will you have independent accounts, or some combination they are of? What is your fiancé’s credit score and how will it impact marital goals?

--Parenting – if you have children how will you co-parent? Who will be the disciplinarian, if there are minor children? If there are no children will you adopt or pursue artificial insemination?

--Coping skills – this is one not often explored enough, but I believe it is critical in a relationship of any kind. How do you deal with life’s challenges? How do you solve arguments? What do you need to feel emotionally, financially and physically safe in the marriage? Do you retreat when life gets hard or do you need to rely on your mate?

2) Premarital counseling-- I strongly recommend this step. If you do nothing else, contribute to the success of your marriage by seeking premarital counseling before taking the plunge. Seek out the support of a counselor or spiritual leader to help you have the hard conversations, explore core values and say all that needs to be said. You might be surprised at how much we assume about our partners, which can be uncovered with professional help.

3) Identify your village -- according to an African proverb, “it takes a village to raise a child.” But it also takes a village to support a marriage. These are not people who will cosign destruction but rather they will encourage, embrace and celebrate your union with love and sometimes even tough love. However they never seek to divide, destroy or dismantle your relationship unless you are facing abuse and/or violence. Your village supports your relationship unless the two of you have adamantly decided that your marriage should meet its demise. Sometimes the village will not include people you might expect. Choosing your village should be done meticulously, intentionally and most of all TOGETHER!

It is my greatest hope that we all forge toward a future wherein marriage equality is commonplace. So we must do everything possible to prepare for our success.  Equality is not a gift that this country gives to us--It is a right to which we are worthy by simply being human without discrimination.  We must be willing to make proud all of those advocates and activists who have fought, and continue to fight, on our behalf.

I honor you for taking the steps toward this LOVE REVOLUTION…Nya Akoma!

Namaste,

Imani Evans, MA
You can also find Imani at the Self-Care for Dynamic Women

We will see you at the CREATE LOVE CONFERENCE on February 16, 2013!

LEARN MORE ABOUT MARRIAGE EQUALITY

Single and Seeking...This One is for YOU!

Single and seeking love--35 and over!

The last thing a single lesbian wants to hear is her BFF (who is in a relationship) telling her how love comes when you stop looking---Blah, blah, blah, right? Well, I am going to apologize right up front because it is going to be a part of my suggestions, but only a small part.  I promise there will be so much more. 

I don’t know about you, but the older I get the more exhausting it is to be looking for the right one.  Even hanging out with Ms. Right Now loses its excitement at some point.  Maybe it is a sign of maturity or maybe it is a consequence of the low tolerance that comes with aging.  Mostly it is an effect of my changing morals, values and interests. What was fun to me at 34 is certainly not my idea of fun at 44.  For example, 10 years ago I would not leave the house for a party before midnight…Now, by 11:30 pm I find myself staring at my watch wondering what time I can duck out without looking like a complete nerd, before I fall asleep in my chair.  Furthermore, where are the single mature women anyway?  Older lesbians are serious nesters.  They seem to come out to snatch up a boo then go off to build a nest, never to be seen again until the wedding—or the break-up.  Since September 2011, I am now among the nesters and happy to be out of the dating game.  But I haven’t forgotten about my single ladies and gentlewomen, who are still looking for love.  This article is for you; much thanks to inspiration from CREATE LOVE member, Joni Craven.

There is nothing wrong with being single and wanting to stay that way.  Conversely, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship.  As well, there is nothing neither sad nor desperate about desiring to be with someone.  You would not fault yin for seeking yang, right? No, it is just the natural order of things to want to share your life, ups and downs, with a special person.  Now, what would be a shame is to not take the opportunity of singlehood to enjoy your life and simultaneously prepare for the one.  So here are some tips to jumpstart the single and seeking journey:

1. While you are waiting, do the WORK:  Being single is a great time to take a selfish approach to doing your personal work. It is imperative to do whatever work is relevant for your life; it may be the work of forgiveness, healing, or restoration.  Who do you need to forgive? Maybe it is the one who is long gone but still taking up space in your head and heart.  What did you learn from your previous relationships?  There is always a lesson and/or blessing in every encounter, if you look for it.  That is just the brilliant way the Divine Intelligence operates.  What are your relationship patterns and how can you make adjustments to break the pattern and find happiness? As easy as it might be to villainize your last girlfriend, it is an useless act of disempowerment.  It takes the focus off of your accountability in the success or demise of your relationship.  This is not to negate the obvious bad behavior your ex may have demonstrated.  I am not talking about responsibility, but rather accountability.  Certainly people behave in some really dysfunctional ways out of pain, ignorance, depression, anger and whatever else plagues the heart.  However, there is authentic power in discovering your role in all of it.  Did you attract that person out of desperation, loneliness, lack, or brokenness? You can be honest here as this is not a test…It is your life and no one is responsible for your truth and your happiness—except you!  So, do you a favor, take the time to explore, question and challenge yourself to a deeper intrapersonal understanding.  Then get out your journal and write about it.  Keeping track of your lessons helps to avoid repeating them—and who wants to keep repeating that, right?  I guarantee this time of reflection will pay off when new girlfriend arrives.
2. Start dating someone fabulous—YOU! That’s right—it is time to eke out the dating template for the way you want to be treated.  In order to have a good sense of it, you have to be the first to do it.  Singlehood is not the time for a couch potato pity party…No way! It is the time to fall in love with you.  Plan, prepare and execute the perfect date for yourself.  It must be something you do with thought and intention.  What have you always wanted to do? What you liked 10 years ago may have changed.  Do something outside your box, with no holds barred.  On the other hand if your idea of a perfect date is a quiet night at home, with a home-cooked meal, candlelight and music then do it! Enjoy it. Then when a potential suitor emerges you will know exactly how you are supposed to be treated—and so will she.
3. Create a clear vision for her and then make room for her with your words.  This is one on which I would love to write a full chapter in a book, but for this purpose I will condense my sentiments to this paragraph. You can only manifest what you can see. You must take this time to create a clear vision of who SHE is for you.  Who is your ideal mate? This is absolutely not a question of aesthetics, but rather feelings.  We manifest most accurately out of what we feel.  Rather than creating a list of “she must have”, instead close your eyes and feel her.  How does she make you feel when she walks in the room? What does it feel like to love her and be loved by her? Allow yourself to linger there frequently.  Then when you encounter her you will recognize her at the soul level. 
4. Be sure to use the language that affirms her presence:  Stop proclaiming to everyone in a 5-mile radius that you “don’t need anybody”, IF you really do want to be with someone.  Deep down you don’t even believe that--and neither do we.  I mean most people want to feel like they are needed. Make sure your language is inviting love.  Let me be clear, I do not mean need in the “I can’t breathe without you” sense.  I mean it in the true romantic sense of balance and augmenting an already joyous life.  I mean it in the way that up needs down, yin needs yang, light needs dark, and so on.  After all, it is the supportive contrast inherent in a loving relationship that allows our essence to glow even brighter.  In other words, what makes the rise of the sun so glorious is its proceeding darkness. It is a beautiful balance and it is a healthy place to be.
5. Stop looking!: Okay, here it is. This is the part that I promised would be brief, but it is essential nonetheless.  However, I may mean it differently than you have heard before.  Stop looking is about shifting the energy from looking to expectancy.  Yes, just like pregnancy.  When a woman is pregnant she is not conflicted over whether or not the baby is coming out.  Oh, it is coming—ready or not! And her role of expectancy leads her to prepare for the inevitable.  That is the same confidence and energy you must have about your new love.  Know she is coming because you are ready to receive her--BE EXPECTANT OF LOVE.

 I didn't spend any time talking about where to find love. Mostly because the point isn't where but what effort you are putting into the energy that will draw the right person.  If you are doing that then you can find Mrs. Right anywhere your heart goes.  However, I will say this...When I want a high quality dress from Nordstroms, I don't go shopping at Goodwill--I'm just saying--LOL

In the end, I hope and claim that your singlehood is filled with self-care, friendships, quality experiences and joy.  She is on the way.  What we focus on magnifies, so in the meantime celebrate the love of others by coming here and reading the great articles of couples making it work. 

I honor you for taking the steps toward this LOVE REVOLUTION…Nya Akoma!

Namaste,

Imani Evans, MA

Happy Couple Highlight: Wendy and Anita

Meet The Beautiful Couple:  

Wendy Smith and Anita Haugabrook

How long have you been together? 

2 years and 10 months. We are getting married on October 6.

 

How did you get together/meet?

 Anita: We met randomly at a LAP (Ladies at Play) event in Atlanta, Georgia. She was the most stunning woman that I had ever laid eyes on. But soon as I saw her she disappeared. Two weeks later, Facebook suggested that Wendy add me as a friend. When she appeared on my computer screen, I was more than ecstatic! I said “It’s YOU, the mystery lady”. Wendy replied, “There’s no mystery to me”. From there the love story began and continues today.

What would you say is the key to the success of your relationship?

Communication and the desire to want to understand each other - not simply settling for “we just don’t see eye to eye”, but seeking to understand why. We believe in loving each other despite and through our faults”.

Discuss how you deal with and face challenges that might come up in your relationship?

We face challenges primarily through open discussion and dialogue. We grew up in totally different worlds which sometimes lead to different points of view. But by giving each other a chance to voice why we feel or think in a certain way has gotten us through various misunderstandings

Wendy: For example, I was raised by my father in Detroit and Anita comes from a two parent home. Anita comes from a deeply religious family that worshiped together. My Dad sent me and my sister to church by ourselves on the “Joy Bus”. Anita is more open and readily sees the good in others. Because of my background, I tend to be more cynical. We help each other. I help her be less naïve, and she helps me be less negative.

What role does spirituality play in your relationship?

Spiritually is the truly the CENTER of our relationship. It is the tie that binds. We pray together, we worship together, we study together. We both know that beyond a show of a doubt, God predestined us for each other! Our faith in GOD is the source of our strength!

What strengthens your relationship: We love the fact that we have our own lives. We don’t lose our friends or our focus on ourselves. We both welcome and celebrate our independence and our individuality.

What role does sensuality and mutual attraction play in your relationship?

Sensuality is unique to everyone so understanding what that (sensuality) is for another is huge. It could be as simple as a glance, or an intimate as a lingering kiss. As for mutual attraction, it is our “foreplay” if you will - the flirting across the room or the nice, naughty text messages. These play a significant role.

What tips would you give to other lesbian couples?

Take time to get to know each other, date…..continue with separate homes for at least a year or two. Cohabiting is a HUGE challenge and it is much harder when you don’ know each other. Keep the lines of communication open and always be willing to understand your partner, even if it doesn’t make sense to you. Lastly, remember you are responsible for her heart.

Discuss a fun way that you communicate love:

Wendy: I made a jar filled with handwritten notes that explain why I love Anita. Every time Anita does not feel like I love her, she takes out one note out and reads it to remind her why I love her so much. I add notes to the jar too.

Can you say more about the key to your success?

Surround yourselves with positive, like-minded individuals who will hold you both accountable to each other and are vested in the lasting of your relationship. (Interviewed by SharRon Jamison)

Thank you, Wendy and Anita, for sharing your love with us.  We appreciate your time, energy and generosity in helping us CREATE LOVE! 

 Much love to you,

SharRon Jamison Co-Founder

Imani Evans, Creator/Co-Founder