Warning: This article is for the grown and sexy! If you clutched your pearls at the very use of the word "orgasm", well, you just might not be ready. However, if your eyes widened, a big smile emerged on your face, and you screamed oh, yes!...Then you are in the right place. It is true that even as adults some women become bashful little girls at open discussion of the big O. I am here to tell you that the shy and bashful little girl act is cute, if it is part of your seduction. But if it has left you neglectful of your God-given right to experience deep sexual pleasure--then let it go!
Over many years of working with women recovering from sexual abuse and violence, as well as lesbians battling bed death, I have made some very interesting observations. Shame often keeps women from having an intimate relationship with their own bodies, much less a lover. Believe it or not, some women are hands off of their own vagina. But I am not surprised given our gender socialization in this country. It is a sheer blessing that women ever have quality sex lives in America. I mean, if you grew up like me, you heard that sexual expression by girls was "nasty" or meant she was a "fast – tail" little girl. We live in a culture that teaches hyper-masculinity to boys and chastity to girls. We make play-play names for our private parts and wonder why 40-year-old women blush at the very use of the word vagina. Well, today we are beginning to break that cycle, which begins with information. There is no shame in not knowing a thing, but it is unacceptable to be unwilling to learn once you know that you don't know. So let's learn together.
What exactly is an orgasm?
Here's the thing... The feeling of an orgasm can be as different and unique as each individual woman. Some women have very mild orgasms and others have very intense experiences. Scientists tell us that during an orgasm our brains light up like Christmas trees. So the idea of an orgasm being mind blowing is not that far from reality. An orgasm is a full body experience. Most women are clitorally orgasmic and others experience an orgasm from the very illusive G-spot (you should know that doctors are still debating whether or not the G-spot even exists. But I am guessing if you've had one, you are not doubting its existence--lucky you!) Fortunately for the majority of women who experience clitoral orgasms, the clitoris was built for the job. With approximately 8,000 nerve endings in this tiny organ it was designed solely for sexual pleasure. (You may applaud now).
Since I am not claiming to be the world renown expert on this subject, but rather the bearer of good news, here is a definition of an orgasm from www.the-clitoris.com (an education site):
Orgasm is a physical reflex, usually a pleasurable one, when the muscles that were tightened during sexual arousal relax and the body returns to its pre-arousal state. During sexual arousal there is increased blood flow to the genitals and tensing of muscles throughout the body and particularly in the genitals. Orgasm reverses this process through a series of rhythmic contractions. For women, contractions occur in the lower part of the vagina, in the uterus, anus, and pelvic floor. About 10 percent of women also ejaculate fluid from the urethra at orgasm.And here is some additional information from www.psychologytoday.com on the matter of orgasms:
In women, the muscle contractions of orgasms are usually, but not always, visible as contractions of the anal sphincter and the vaginal opening. In some women, orgasm also releases fluid (female ejaculation), from the glands that surround the urethra (paraurethral glands, e.g. Skene's glands). Most women who ejaculate release a teaspoon or less, but some release considerably more. This fluid is not urine. It's more like men's prostatic fluid. Most women can have only one orgasm per interlude, but some (it's not exactly clear how many but a small minority) can have two or more in rapid succession (multiple orgasm).As you can see, the beauty of the female orgasm is that it is both complex and simple. How a woman experiences an orgasm can be as unique as each individual. And if you are fortunate enough to be among the small group of women who have multiple orgasms, God bless you! But I will tell you that one fantastic, explosive orgasm is just as good.
Now that we have some of the basics out of the way, let's get to the reason we're all here – the perfect orgasm. Before I get to the steps that lead us to attaining that desired state of bliss, I should say that sometimes there are very real medical reasons women are unable to have an orgasm. If that is the case for you, please know that you are not alone and that there is no shame in getting help for your condition. The reasons that women don't experience orgasms can be varied. A trip to your gynecologist to discuss this very important issue is a wonderful place to start and rule out any medical concerns.
Once you have of clean bill of health physically, emotionally, and mentally achieving the perfect orgasm is just a few steps away. Here are some tips to get you there:
- My first tip is for the partner trying to lead her woman to ecstasy. The most important thing I could say to you is that bringing your woman to orgasm is not a paint-by-numbers task. In other words, what may have worked for one woman is certainly not the rule for every other one. If you are using a sex playbook, put it down and simply listen and pay attention to the woman in front of you. Even if you consider yourself a master at pleasure I assure you that there are very few rules that apply to every woman. Give your ego a rest and acquiesce to the power of pleasure. Don't be offended by direction. Instead, thank your lucky stars that your woman is in touch with herself and that you don't have to waste too much time on trial and error.
- Know your own body. Take the time to explore your body and discover your erogenous zones. The truth is that every woman is responsible for her own orgasm. That is right, I said it! You are responsible for knowing and communicating what gets you to climax. And if you don't know, it is time to learn. Pick up a hand-held mirror and take a look at your vagina. Okay, some of you may be giggling now. But if you want someone else to look at...well, you should want to as well. Take your fingers and explore what feels good. Then don't stop there. Explore your whole body with your fingertips. Start out at your toes and make your way all the way up. Pay attention to the areas that are particularly sensitive and make you tingle. When you get to those areas that make your stomach contract from sensitivity, voilà; You have found an erogenous zone.
- Communication is the key. If you are sitting around waiting for your lover to read your mind and know exactly what you want then it is time for you to wake up from the fantasy. The reality is that good sex and the subsequent sweet orgasm is contingent upon your ability to lead your partner to the promise land. You have to communicate whether you like it softer, harder, faster, etc. But if you don't know your self then the task will not be easy for someone else. You may very well luck up on someone who just gets it from the gate. However, those instances will be far and few between and it does it mean that they are unskilled, nor does it mean that there is no sexual chemistry. Talk, talk, talk and then talk some more because as you grow and change so too does your sexual needs. The pay off of a verbally expressive mate and an attentive partner is utter euphoria!
- The best time to communicate your sexual preferences is before sex. If you wait until the moment of passion it is challenging to give corrective direction. Some women might be easy to direct and others might take a blow to their ego. So instead of getting caught up in that complex dialogue, some women will resort to faking it. And that is a huge no-no. If you find yourself too embarrassed to have the sex talk with a lover then you are probably not ready to actually have sex. The talk should be the easy part and it saves everyone from trying to fumble through the experience.
- Take good care of yourself. This may sound really basic, but it is the basic things that we take for granted. The truth is that when you feel better about your self and your body you will be more sexually expressive. Depression, anxiety, lack of sleep and a poor diet all impact your sexual energy. When you are able to feel good in your own skin your libido will shoot through the roof. Prepare for a good sex life an Olympic athlete and you'll be ready for the those marathon nights of ecstasy.
- Make Kegel exercises a regular practice. Developed by Dr. Arnold Kegel, Kegel exercises are designed to help you strengthen the muscle of your pelvic floor. There are several things that can weaken this muscle, such as weight gain, having multiple children and surgery. But when this muscle is strong it has many benefits, such as reducing urinary leaking, and of course my favorite, heightening sexual pleasure. I will tell you that my personal experience with doing Kegel exercises is that it can be pleasurable for both you and your partner. The sensation of contracting during sex can be stimulating for your partner and it can intensify your orgasms. I do them during and after my orgasms to create a deep, intense and explosive sensation for myself. Try it... You just might like it and, trust me, you will thank me.
How to do Kegel exercises: Quoted from http://brown.edu/Student_Services/Health_Services/Health_Education/sexual_health/sexuality/female_orgasm.php#1
When you're peeing, clench your muscles to stop the flow of urine for about four seconds. Then release those same muscles to let the urine flow again. These are your pelvic floor muscles; these are the muscles you'll be exercising when you do Kegels. If you want to check and make sure that you're using the right muscles, put a finger or two into your vagina. Tighten the muscles. If you can feel your fingers being squeezed (even just a little), then you've located the right muscles.
- Contract the pelvic muscles hard for one second and then release them, ten times in a row. Repeat this process five to ten times a day.
- You can vary the exercise by holding the contraction for a count of three and then releasing it, doing fast short holds, or a mix of long and short holds.
- Kegel during commercials, every time the phone rings, in line at the Ratty—find your own regular pattern.
- Kegel during sex for added pleasure for you and your partner.
- As with any exercise, results won’t be immediate, but over time (probably about 6-8 weeks) you will notice a difference.
- A great orgasm requires a good balance of relaxation and tension. Okay, this may seem strange but people will tell you to just relax to have an orgasm. However the truth is that relaxation is good to get you in the mood, but when it is time to orgasm it requires a little tension. I do not mean tightening up your whole body, but the muscles that are involved in sexual stimulation need a minimal amount of tension for a good orgasm. This tension is of your hips, buttocks, and pelvic area. This mild tension actually increases blood flow and helps you get to the big O!
Imani Evans, MA
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We are looking forward to seeing you at the 2nd annual CREATE LOVE CONFERENCE FOR WOMEN - MARCH 8, 2014