Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Finding the One: Part Two

Other people may come to you prior to The One to help you clarify who she is and who she is not.

A term that many people use these days to describe the overanxious, sometimes desperate behavior of womyn wanting to be in a relationship is “thirsty”.  In my dating experience, I’ve experienced thirst. And I’ll make another analogy and say I experienced “hunger”. After being in a three year relationship that was emotionally flat, void of open communication and sexually dead I was starved for stimulation, adoration and touch. So I was easily enticed and fed on “empty calorie, junk food” relationships.

As a recovering foodie, I know I have to be careful of dishes that may look appetizing, smell good and taste good but that are not good for me. Or even if they won’t hurt me, they are just not on my food plan. I can get full, but not satisfied on such foods. Or, I may eat it, but it had no real sustenance or health benefits. And because there are certain foods that I really like (I am a potato chip connoisseur), I refuse to eat the light or diet version. Baked really isn’t the same as lightly fried and salted.

On our journey to connect with The One, a lot of womyn will come into our lives and perhaps appeal to our appetite for love and relationship. And some of them will be close to the qualities of the womyn we are best suited for and who is a match for us.

Researchers have concluded that this phenomenon of connecting with someone who is a faux match may be based in our inner emotional and social compass that is calibrated by unconscious and subconscious needs.

One theory that speaks to this is Imago theory, developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix.  Imago means: 'the inner unconscious image of the opposite sex' or what you're looking for in a partner but aren't aware of."

The “Imago” is a composite image in the unconscious of the significant character traits and behaviors of childhood primary caretakers. An individual who is like our caretakers in emotionally significant ways — our unconscious drives us to re-create our childhood psychological dynamics in an attempt to heal the central wounds we carry.

The notion is that were born whole and complete individuals. We became wounded in relationships during the early nurturing and socialization stages of development by our primary caretakers (usually inadvertently, in relationships with parents who were doing their best).We developed a composite image of all the positive and negative traits of our primary caretakers deep in our unconscious mind. This is our “Imago.” It becomes a blueprint of the one we will be consider our perfect match.

So in essence, we develop partnerships for the purpose of healing and repairing the unfinished business of childhood. Since we were wounded in relationship we need to repair in a relationship. Romantic love makes the selection and is nature’s way of connecting us with the perfect partner for our eventual healing.

The challenge is, when we aren’t clear, conscious and calm when we are seeking love, we attract someone who is matches the “blueprint”, but who isn’t willing or capable of helping us heal our wounds. And remember, she is acting out her own imago story. The limiting beliefs that hinder our best selection of a partner could be summarized in the messages and experiences based on our internal compass:
  • ‘I can’t do better’: One of the most common reasons for relationship dissatisfaction is choosing a partner that you don’t really like because of believing that you can’t do better. Settling is like buying a cheap imitation because you think that’s all you deserve even though you can afford the real thing.
  • Having past unfinished business: It’s a self-esteem boost if we managed to attract someone who resembles a person who rejected us in the past. But attracting people who resemble abusers may result in one being abused again.
  • Being too eager to find love: As humans we all need to be taken care of but when this need lets you chose someone who is bad for you then know that it became an unhealthy desire instead of a healthy need. Not feeling loved or nurtured creates vulnerability to accept those who give them attention with disregard to their real compatibility.
  • Being enamored with the idea of a relationship or “in love with love: Many people hate being single and long for the day they will be with someone. This intense desire might make a person blind when choosing a partner.
So check your internal compass before you actively seek The One. Is it directed by your broken spirit or wounded heart?  Do you need to examine your childhood experiences more closely to see how they influence your grown up relationships?  Is the person you have high passion with actually a composite of the chaos of your past?  Finding The One requires savvy “shopping”. Some womyn will be close to the real deal. But I’ve learned that cubic zirconium isn’t a diamond, it won’t cut glass. Plus Fool’s Gold looks good, but it can’t buy anything. The One isn’t a cheap imitation nor a nice “knockoff”.

Related Article:
Finding The One Part I: I Am One


Gwen Thomas is the author of The S.H.E. Experience, a woman’s perspective on self-actualization. She is also the President and CEO of The C.A.S.T. Company, which provides training, consulting and professional coaching to individuals and organizations. As speaker and consultant, she presents various professional development and personal growth topics. She has provided training and motivational speaking throughout the United States, in the Caribbean; a total of 7 countries on three continents.

She has experience and expertise in leadership and organizational development, communication skills and women’s professional and personal growth. She has spent the majority of her professional life motivating and teaching others in workplace settings and in spiritual environments.

Follow her at msgwen127@twitter.com

Monday, October 20, 2014

Happy Couple Highlight: Yvonne and Tiffany


Yvonne 


Tiffany Harrison



New York, New York

This month we are revisiting and celebrating with one of the Create Love couples that we featured in February 2013. Yvonne shares her and wife’s views on parenting and offers advice for other same-sex couples. Thanks Tiffany and Yvonne for sharing your wisdom with the CL family and the world. And most of all, congratulations on the birth of your beautiful daughter, Zoe Doll.

Deciding to start a family for most couples involves a lot of heart searching. But for most same-sex couples it requires an additional amount of intention due to laws, legal protections and expense. How did you decide that it was time to add to your family? And, what advice would you give to other couples who are also considering parenthood? We both wanted to be parents and after being legally married, removing all debt, restoring our credit, pursuing our educational goals and becoming stable in ministry, we felt it was time to seek God on the addition(s) to our family. As soon as we developed stability, balance and financial security, we prayed for direction and God released us to begin the process.


We would advise other couples to communicate your desires, moral ethics, spiritual ethics, financial goals, career goals etc. before starting a family. 

What were the hardest conversations about co-parenting and why? And how did you navigate through those discussions? What areas do you think are potential land-mines that couples must be aware of during the pre-planning pregnancy process? Ironically, we were raised in two completely different spectrums but yet we have commonalities in parenting styles and we both believe that our child will be greatly influenced by the reciprocal interactions of both of us. The number one priority is co-parenting in a healthy way which will allow room for patience, open communication, boundaries, and spiritual guidelines that will foster training our child in the fear and admonition of the Lord. We believe couples must be aware of areas of child rearing that need to be discussed prior to stating the process. (Who will discipline, who will provide structure, who will lead spiritually, who will provide financially, what schools the child will attend). We were able to answer these questions through prayer and supplication. We are both equally navigating through each area.


I have many friends who have started a family together. Most of them say that they totally underestimated the impact of both of them having strong maternal instincts. What are thoughts and how do you anticipate addressing the 2 "mommy bear" dynamic? We've never been a couple fascinated with or bound by titles or roles in our marriage, therefore, our children will only know us as their mother. As 2 women with maternal instinct, that is the only role we can or have a desire to fill. We are both qualified, prepared, and led by the Holy Spirit.



I know sometimes in the lesbian community there is expectation about who should carry the baby, and the assumption is that one should carry over the other. I applaud you for honoring your relationship and not getting caught up in the fem/aggressor dynamic. But I am interested.....Did you experience any comments around "roles" and what advice can you give to other couples? Yes, more than I actually expected. In fact, when we decided to tell family and friends that I was carrying they couldn't believe it. We assessed who had the most astounding response. It was way too many to keep track. I told my church something profound. When I announced I was carrying, people were shock, surprised and taken aback. I said, "God will use who people LEAST EXPECT!" There was a blessing in the response of others. I told them to tap themselves on the chest and say, get ready because God is getting ready to use you because people least expect you. The people least expected me, the Pastor, the more aggressive. Our advice is, we were created to reproduce and that's not tied to a title or role. When you are married, you don't care who carries, you go above and beyond to extend your family. You don't get caught up in the stigma of roles in same-gender loving relationships. Motherhood is a blessing and if God made it possible for both, then why wouldn't we capitalize on the blessing and opportunity? 

Being a pastor and a minister, how do you feel parenthood will impact to your ministry? And, what have you put in place to provide support and to set boundaries so that your family does not become a casualty of the church. (I am a preacher's kid).The greatest impact will be the model that we set. We are legally married and we did it Gods way. Family is very close to God's heart. In fact, family was his idea from the very beginning. He has a divine purpose for our family and we have to recognize that what we model will ultimately set the standard. So, we can impact the church by representing a model that can positively affect our families and congregants aspiring to start a family.

Developing boundaries is crucial and critical to maintain a healthy family. We have a motto at church, "Family First" Now, we are not expecting change overnight, because we have trained the church in very ingrained patterns. In other words, our availability has been a top priority. We plan to reform it in a very progressive pattern. We intend to present a balance for our daughter which will allow her to decipher who we are in church and who we are outside of church. When we are home, we are parents and we will not bombard her with church life at home. 



Yvonne, I know that you plan on stepping back from the church for a few months while you and Tiffany get adjusted to your little bundle joy. I know as a career woman it was hard for me to slow down and step aside to nurture my relationships with my son, spouse and my own soul. What are your thoughts about balancing being a partner, parent, person and a pastor? One of the greatest blessings that I have is the understanding and patience of our church leaders and members. I don't feel obligated to be present because in my time in ministry, I've learned that Jesus set boundaries. Jesus had personal needs that he put priority on sometimes even over the needs of other people and he did so without feeling guilty. Motherhood is as important if not more important that Pastoring. I have to excel at managing my household and providing an example. I am very in tuned with my responsibilities, I take each of them seriously and I plan to be thorough and effective in all areas. Anything less would misrepresent God.



What can your congregants do to support you? 
To be honest, they've done enough. Their patience, understanding, provisions, presence and prayers have edified us beyond explanation. In a literal sense, they can continue to be present, active, faithful and responsible to care for the church in my absence. I have some of the best leaders in the kingdom and they are well equipped and prepared to be on the front-line for our church. 

What did you learn about yourself and about each other during the pregnancy?Tiffany: I learned that God could trust me to dedicate a child back to Him. I learned that my wife put us extending our family before herself and that's admirable.

Yvonne: I learned that I am trustworthy. To think that God entrusted me to carry and birth his child is indescribable. 

We learned that we are more suitable than we imagined. We don't have a perfect marriage but we have a purposeful marriage. This pregnancy has given us a new perspective on life, God, our marriage, and our families. God used our miracle to unite both sides of our families. It's inexplicable. 

You ladies are definitely role models in the community, and especially in the ministry. How do you ensure that you continue to walk in your purpose and not succumb to the tyranny of popularity? In ministry there is no such thing as popularity. Carnality seeks popularity. We are as the scripture says, "a peculiar people" If you remain in His will, and walk steadfast in humility, there's no room for our spirits to be subject to the world and popularity. As long as we keep Christ as the head of our marriage, our family, and our church, he will guide us in the way in which we should go. If your marriage points people to Christ then you are effective. We are committed to living our lives in a manner that will be pleasing to God and his followers.

What does family mean to you and why? A good Christian family is one which lines up with biblical principles and one in which each member understands and fulfills his or her God given role. Family was created by God, and we believe that we have been given the responsibility of exemplifying good stewardship over our family. Families differ in terms of economic, cultural, social, and many other facets, but what we consider family is operating in unconditional love despite of our differences, choices or circumstances in life.

What is your most important prayer and desire for your family? That we live and model a Christian family exemplifying the gifts of the spirit. That we extend the same grace that God extended toward us to his people. That we don't succumb to sin, or the desires of the world. That we love each other sacrificially and unconditionally. We desire to be a constant, consistent family to aid and support others in their desire to start a family.

In our communities, what can we do to better support same-sex families? We need to develop avenues that would create equal access to legal protection and social support for same sex families. We need greater visibility which can help to change the stereotypes that afflict our community, and make people aware of the structure and success, of same sex families.
On a very serious note, as it pertains to state and local laws we have to support nondiscrimination laws and utilize efforts that would have an impact on equality for our families.

We plan to be extremely vocal and active in enhancing the exposure of our family dynamic and the importance of integrating who we are into our community and those outside of our community.

What values do you hope to impart to Baby Zoe and why? The obvious values such as reverence for God, biblical principles, honesty, respect, compassion, forgiveness, unconditional love, responsibility, appropriate behavior, proper morals, ethics and the ability to be who God has made her to be.

You can also find Tiffany and Yvonne at:
Restoration Temple Ministries: 
http://www.rtmnyc.org
www.womencanpreachtoo.org
https://www.facebook.com//OverseerYvonneHarrison

Look for Yvonne’s soon to be released book: The Pain, The Process & The Promise

Please check out the first article on this wonderful couple: http://createloveforwomen.blogspot.com/2013/02/happy-couple-highlight-yvonne-tiffany.html



We thank you for sharing your love with us at Create Love! Your story will encourage, inspire and uplift other couples. We wish you continued success and happiness.www.createloveforwomen.com

Create Love Founders

Imani Evans and SharRon Jamison



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Sunday, October 12, 2014

Happy Single Highlight: Angelia "Love" Henderson

Angelia "Love" Henderson
from Atlanta, Ga.

Since you have been single, what have you learned about yourself? I’ve learned that I really DO enjoy my own company.  (giggle)  That hasn’t always been the case.  I was accustomed to having someone around me a constant basis.  Once I was single, it felt like I was missing out on so much.  However, I realized that I wasn’t missing out on anything that wasn’t constructive or needed at that moment.  My self-growth has crashed into my psyche like a tidal wave and has awakened me from a self-loathing fog.  I have no problem taking myself on vacation, out to dinner, or to the movies.

I get it….since you have learned more about yourself, what are you doing now to prepare yourself for a healthy relationship? I am releasing the old ghosts of insecurity, mistrust, and sadness brought on by the dysfunction from my long-term relationship of 20 years.  I now realize that other women are not my EX!!  When I’m tempted to start comparing women I meet now with anyone in my past relationships:  I pause, take a deep breath, and reflect for a brief moment about how far I’ve come in my self-growth.  I am then able to enjoy the person who is right in front of me and not the ones who are behind me. 

I appreciate your commitment to the “now”. When you start dating again, what areas do you think you might struggle with a bit at the beginning? And since you know the areas, how will you assess if a person is a good match? And, what will you share with a potential mate? 

Trust. Some of my past relationships have involved women who weren’t very trustworthy. Lie to me once, shame on you. Lie to me twice, shame on me. I will trust anyone until they give me a reason not to. I came across a quote which pretty much sums of how I feel about honesty: “I look for these qualities and characteristics in people. Honesty is number one, respect, and absolutely the third would have to be loyalty.” ~ Summer Altice ~ I’d much rather a person hurt me with the truth than placate me with a lie. It just doesn’t serve the greater good for either person. Once I’ve lost trust in someone, there’s just no way I will allow them to be close to me or even in my life.

In the famous words of Maya Angelou and Opray Winfrey: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Remember this because it will happen many times in your life. When people show you who they are the first time believe them. Not the 29th time. When a (wo)man doesn't call you back the first time, when you are mistreated the first time, when someone shows you lack of integrity or dishonesty the first time, know that this will be followed many other times, that will some point in life come back to haunt or hurt you. Live your life in truth. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. You will survive anything if you live your life from the point of view of truth.” I also struggle with not wanting to be in the physical presence of my mate 24/7/365. My partner will always have a very special place and space in my thoughts on a daily basis. However, I need time to myself to exhale and just relax. I’ve found that some women take it as indication of me not wanting to be with them. That’s not the case.

Most women admit that they don’t really know what they want in a partner. What characteristics and traits do you want and find most compatible? Which ones are most problematic and why? I love an intelligent woman.  OMG!!  I’m sapiosexual and I desire a woman who can and will woo me with her brains.  I enjoy the company of a woman is well-versed and a wordsmith.  I also look for a woman who is confident in her own skin – she doesn’t need my approval or anyone else’s.  I would say a woman who is not driven is problematic for me.  If she has no desire to do anything other than complain, bemoan someone else’s success, then we won’t get past the initial conversation.  I want to be an asset to someone’s life, not a liability.  I’m looking for the same in my potential mate.  I tend to shy away from know-it-alls … it’s okay to be well-versed; however, to look down your nose at someone and put them down are turn-offs.  Also, I don’t care to be in relationships with needy, clingy or insecure women.  We all have our flaws.  However, it is just not my cup of tea to be with someone who cannot spend a moment alone or handle her business.  Further, I seek a partner who is financially stable and savvy; if we have to exist on a diet of Ramen Noodles to make ends meet, we will do so knowing that our situation isn’t permanent.

When I use to date, I always asked about a potential mate’s love language. What is your love language and how did you learn that about yourself? My love language is “Words of Affirmation”.  I’m happiest when I’m spreading the word of God and uplifting and enlightening someone.  Ironically, Facebook has allowed me to reach so many people who otherwise wouldn’t have the opportunity to glean something good on the internet.  I also embrace the “Physical Touch” love language.  There’s nothing like getting a hug or pat on the back from someone when they know that will make your day.

When you find that special one, how will you know? And, what do you love about love? The chemistry will be instantaneous and explosive!!  I can honestly say that I’ve been in love three times in my life.  There was no doubt that in each case, the person had my complete attention and heart.  When the relationships ended, it took me a great deal of time to get over the loss of a loved one (not in the terminal sense).  I’ve never been one to rush into a rebound relationship just to say I’m with someone.  That would be unfair to the other person.  I tend to allow my heart and soul to heal before I decide to start dating.  It’s been almost a year since my last relationship.  I haven’t set a timeframe for when I will start dating again.  I will rely on my heart to let me know when it’s ready. 

I love EVERYTHING about love!!!  It’s not just the fact that saying “I Love You” that gives me goose bumps … it’s also the thought that someone gets me and still desires to be in my space and life.  I know love is an action word and I’m always eager to please my mate (not just materially) but emotionally, physically and spiritually.

From the first time I met you, I have admired your spirit. You have a way of making people feel special and seen. I celebrate that.  What do you admire about yourself?  Thanks, SharRon!!  That means a great deal to me.  I admire the fact that although I was dealt a difficult hand at the age of 13 – I became a parent; I never allowed it to define who or what I was as a person.  Although my pregnancy was unplanned, my son was never unwanted.  I love him to life and back.  Not only did I finish high school on time and with honors, I attended college, got my degree and started a successful career.  My son tells me that I’m his (s)hero!!  I just wouldn’t give up even when some of those around me told me that I wouldn’t amount to anything.  I’ve never allowed situations and circumstances to derail what I know God has planned for me.  Even when folks said I couldn’t and wouldn’t amount to anything, I used their negativity as a basis for wanting to achieve greatness.  I would love to see some of their faces now.

You are my shero too. I admire your determination and perseverance. 13 was such an interesting age for me. If you remember, what did you know or feel about being pregnant at that age? How did you manage being a student and a Mom? Who provided support for you? I was petrified and unsure of my future.  I have to give all thanks and honor to God for blessing me with a great family base … maternal and paternal.  My paternal grandmother was instrumental in how I reared my son.  She never made me ashamed of the fact that I was so young when I gave birth to my son.  I could have gone the route of many teens and quit school and continued having babies.  Instead, she pushed me to succeed at all cost and dismissed the naysayers.  My son’s father was/is very much a part of his life … from day one.  It was never a question of if he would step up to the plate as a father … it was always what could he do to help me achieve my dream of attending college?  It took a village to raise my son … neighbors, friends, family and complete strangers stepped in to make sure I had all of the resources I needed to succeed.  I am forever grateful for God’s grace and mercy for placing those people in my life.

What advice can you offer other teenage moms? Honestly, I would suggest abstinence at all cost.  I know that is probably not going to happen in our fast-paced world.  If a teen is hell-bent on having sex, I would suggest that they have a candid talk with their parent(s) about birth control.  I think us parents often to the ostrich approach when it comes to our children and sex.  We would prefer to bury our heads in the sands rather than address sex education head-on.  My son is 39 years old and had never had any children.  I kept it real with him when it came to becoming a father when he was a teen.  I think heeded my advice.

How would your friends describe you? They would say that I’m loyal, trustworthy, fun-loving, humorous, love to smile, spiritual and kind-hearted.  I’m an only child, so it helps to surround myself with like-minded acquaintances and friends.  I’m a bit of a nerd (one of these days, I WILL be a contestant on Jeopardy)!!  Most things that would appear mundane and uninteresting to some people pique my interest.  I’m as comfortable going fishing as I am interacting in meetings with upper management.  I also enjoy cooking and grilling out with my family and friends.

I know you are happily single, but if someone is interested in you what would you want her to know you do for fun and why? I enjoy reading, writing and photography.  If I had to pick my favorite, it would be writing.  It allows me to voice on paper what I would otherwise not be able to say face-to-face.  When I tell most people that I’m shy, they get a good chuckle.  I have stage fright; yet, I majored in Broadcast Journalism in college.  Go figure!!   I also enjoy going to house parties/gatherings – especially when Spades and Bid Whist are involved.  If someone is interested in getting to know me as a possible love interest, she should be as real as humanly possible.  Don’t send a representative because I detest and loathe superficial and fake women.  I’m not a complicated, needy or vengeful person.  I function in the here and now and prefer not to live my life rehashing the past.  She should know that once she has my mind, the rest of me will follow.  Lastly, she should know that I am a hopeful romantic … there’s nothing hopeless about wanting to cater to my Lady’s wishes when it comes to romance.  I am a great cook, I remember special dates (anniversaries, birthdays, etc.) and I will honor her as the true Queen that she is.  I enjoy traveling and would love to be with someone who is impromptu and enjoys quick, unplanned getaways.

I love how you celebrate and embrace your masculine energy.  When you started growing into who you are, what did you tell your son and how did he respond to your evolution?  I’ve always been a bit of a tomboi!!!  However, it was never something that I could put a word or definition to it.  I just knew I loved being the “father” when we played house.  (KML)  It wasn’t until I moved to Atlanta to attend college that a future lover schooled me on who and what I was.  Talk about a life-changing experience … I have never forgotten the moment of clarity when she told me that I was a lesbian.  (LOL)  I’ve never wanted to me a man then or now.  I just enjoy the freedom I feel embracing who I really am … a chivalrous female who just happens to enjoy the company of feminine women. 

In terms of how my son and I relate when it comes to my masculine energy … it has never been a topic of discussion. I’m still MOM to him and our relationship has always “looked” like the mother-son pairing that it is. He actually gives me dating advice from a male perspective and has screened my potential dates. For me, it’s all about being me no matter comes what may. I love the quote by e. e. cummings regarding staying true to one’s self: “To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” People get caught up in my outward appearance … I love wearing button-downs, ties and Timberlands. That doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten that I am all woman and love my curves and everything associated with being a female.

What important lesson did you learn from your mother that has helped you in life and in relationships? My mother was tragically taken away from me (she was killed by her boyfriend) when I was seven years old.  I knew she loved me … she just wasn’t given enough time to grow into a mother-daughter relationship.  One thing I’ve always said is that she did one of the most selfless things a mother could do:  she made sure I was taken care of by someone who would love and care for me.  She introduced me to my maternal grandmother when I was seven.  A month later, my Mom was shot and killed.  I guess the lesson I learned is that sacrifice and love come in all shapes, sizes, color and situations.  I’m grateful, thankful and forever love what my mom did for me.

Angelia, you have been through a lot. What grounds you and what connects you to your SOURCE?
I’m more spiritual now than I’ve ever been.  I’ve always attended church.  However, I wasn’t being fed.  I’ve found that I don’t have to be in regular attendance to hear and feel God’s words.  Any potential mate would have to have a connection with a higher being and embrace God.  I am steeped in faith.  Honestly, I don’t think my journey is anymore different than a lot of people that I have had the pleasure of meeting.  Though we have traveled different roads to get where we are, God’s the common denominator in us getting there.  I suspect some potential mates tend to shy away from me because I’m about spreading the Word.  There are just some things I’m not willing to barter when it comes to my closeness with God.  I’m not a religious zealot; I just know who’s been there for me when I felt like no one wanted me around, didn’t understand my pain and wasn’t open to love me just because.

Finish this sentence…..before I die I want to….. I want to walk into love with my kindred mate.  I know that sounds like a cliché and somewhat corny.  (Smile)  I don’t plan to fall for anything nor anyone anymore.  I’d like to think I’ve a little more control over my emotions these days.  Since I’ve hit the 50 mark (I’m 52 now), I want to start enjoying life to the fullest … no drama, headaches, heartaches or what-ifs.  Just do the darn thing … whatever it is!!




(Interview conducted by SharRon Jamison)



We thank you for sharing your journey of happiness in singlehood! Your story will encourage, inspire and uplift other singles. We wish you continued success and happiness.www.createloveforwomen.com

Create Love -- Founders
Imani Evans and SharRon Jamison



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CLICK THE BROWN PAPER TICKETS IMAGE TO REGISTER



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Monday, September 29, 2014

Happy Couple Highlight: Venus and Lisa



Dr. Venus Opal Reese and Mrs. Lisa Dawson Reese 
from Dallas, Texas

How long have you been together?  5 years and 9 months. We met on Match.com. We married in Maui on December 31st, 2013.

What was the initial attraction?
Dr. Venus Opal Reese: I was stood up for New Years Eve. Lisa called me and spoke on the phone for over 2 hours and gently agreed to go to the party with me. She then drove over an hour to accompany me to a party, and we had never met in person. Her kindness is what attracted me to her.  Mrs. Lisa Dawson Reese: This is going to sound bad. But Venus had White friends. It showed that she was diverse and open to people. I LOVED her brain from her profile and I thought her profile picture alluded to her being more interesting than just her credentials. I knew there was more to her than her 50/11 degrees.

What is the key to the success of your relationship?  Mrs. Lisa Dawson Reese:
The way we communicate through life’s ups and downs. Dr. Venus Opal Reese: humor. We laugh a lot and we forgive quickly.

Challenges are difficult for most couples.  How do you deal with and face challenges that might come up in your relationship?
Dr. Venus Opal Reese: We pout at each other. Seriously. We let the other person see the impact of the behavior and we walk in each other’s shoes. We practice compassion, empathy, and 100% responsibility for our “we.” Mrs. Lisa Dawson Reese: We love each other through every step we take.

What role does spirituality play in your relationship? Dr. Venus Opal Reese: I pray for Lisa every day. We attend our spiritual center. Lisa is a master manifestor. She lives by “believing before seeing.” So I think our souls fell in love before our hearts did—at least for me. Lisa wasn't my picture. She wasn't what I wanted—but she was and is EVERYTHING I needed. And I think our love is rooted in Spirit. If I am God’s hands and God’s feet then Lisa is my earth and my air. I could NEVER have done what I have done in business in such a short time frame if I had not been loved at the level of Spirit. Simply put our success is a product, a manifestation, of Lisa’s love. Mrs. Lisa Dawson Reese:  I was put on this earth to love… Venus gives me the love that my heart always wanted.

Sensuality...what role does it play in your relationship? Dr. Venus Opal Reese: Lisa is a shameless flirt. She flirts with me ALL the time and I now flirt back!  Mrs. Lisa Dawson Reese: Venus is just HOT!!! I love her with every part of me body and soul.

Getting together is one thing, but staying together is another.  What advice would you give to other couples to help them strengthen their relationships? Dr. Venus Opal Reese: Forgive fast. Let go of the past faster. Mrs. Lisa Dawson Reese: Ask yourself, which is more important being right, or working things out. Look at the bigger picture of where you want your relationship to be.

Every relationship has spoken and unspoken rules.  What specific “Relationship Rules” support your union? Dr. Venus Opal Reese: Keep your promises to each other. Mrs. Lisa Dawson Reese: We always tell each other the truth.

Relationships are great teachers.  We learn about others and we learn about ourselves.  What did you have to learn and un-learn to love her fully? Dr. Venus Opal Reese: I had to learn how to be in a healthy relationship. I was so use to make-up sex; I didn't understand that anger was not an aphrodisiac. Lisa doesn't fight. She doesn't argue. She doesn't do drama. I thought she was boring. It took me a couple of years to unlearn drama and cultivate intimacy.
Mrs. Lisa Dawson Reese: I had to learn to receive. I had to learn to slow down and really listen and understand when she was talking to me.

What did you learn about yourself? Dr. Venus Opal Reese: It’s taught me it’s ok to be my little girl self. I am safe now. Mrs. Lisa Dawson Reese: I don’t have to settle.

When you think of her, what 1 word most captures her essence and your love? Dr. Venus Opal Reese: her essence: joy and our love: miraculous. J Mrs. Lisa Dawson Reese: Venus’s essence is love and our love true inspiration.

Dr. Venus Opal Reese, my next questions are for you. You are an amazing business owner and motivator. Building a company takes great vision, how do you two work together to develop and execute a vision? And what advice would you give other couples who are building not only love relationships, but financial empires?

Lisa is the space in which I bloom. This is our empire-not mine. We both have our parts. Lisa says it best here:

Advice: dream together. Lisa’s perspective is soooooooooo different from mine. When we dream together, she expands me.

How do you balance your life so that your business and your relationship both stay nurtured?  I take Lisa out of the country AT LEAST once a year. This year we are going to Vancouver and Dubai. Now I am starting to include quarterly vacation so she doesn't have to share me. We also have a weekly date night. And I had to hire a COO so I don’t work on weekends.

"Downtime" is so important to prevent burn-out.  How do you know when it is time to slow down so that you and Lisa can re-connect and re-charge?  When Lisa starts coming into my space and begins talking –even if I am on a call, I realize she is lonesome for me and I stop what I am doing and we “visit”. I do the same with her when I need a hug.

As a couple, what do you hope your legacy will be? Love out Loud!

You Can Contact Dr. Venus at:
CEO/Founder, Defy Impossible, Inc.


** This woman is amazing. Please check out her website.  I have provided a link to her bio. If you are able, please attend one of her events and get inspired. She is changing lives one person at a time.

About Dr. Venus Opal Reese - Inspirational Speaker, CEO Mindset, Messaging and Marketing Mentor, and Business Entrepreneur Coach, Dr. Venus Opal Reese (referred to as Dr. Venus) draws on over 20 years of research, teaching, personal experience, and multiple branches of theoretical and philosophical training to deliver high-impact success strategies and keynotes for purose-driven CEOs, executives and entrepreneurs, generating a loyal following among other professional Black women. http://defyimpossible.com/speaking/speaking-press-bio/



We thank you for sharing your love with us at Create Love! Your story will encourage, inspire and uplift other couples. We wish you continued success and happiness.www.createloveforwomen.com

Create Love Founders

Imani Evans and SharRon Jamison


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Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Long Distance Love


Are Long Distance Relationships (LDRs) good for you? I know they are not for everybody but they always work for me. In fact, two of my longest relationships started off as LDRs and both relationships were quite fulfilling. So I thought I would write an article about the joys of dating someone from a distance. But then again, I thought that the best advice always comes from the people who have been successful at creating love and maintaining relationships from a far. Lucky for me, Create Love is full of experts who have experience with defying distance.   Though their comments are different, there are some general themes that will help you decide if a LDR is right for you.

According to the Create Love experts, there are 3 important factors to consider before forging an out-of-town bond.



Here is what a few wise women had to say:

Stacey Rice --- My 1st tip would be for couples to be open and honest about their expectations of the relationship and each other. Talk about what each of your needs are going in to the relationship and where you want the relationship to go and how fast you want to get there. Not only talk but LISTEN and be EXACT .Do not try to fool yourself in to believing you can make it work if you know in your heart that you or the other person are NOT GOOD with long distance. It's probably not going to work.

COMMUNICATION - I cannot stress that enough! Don't start out doing something in the beginning that you cannot or are not willing to keep doing. It's easy once the honeymoon stage is over to let yourself get caught up in your everyday life because your partner is not there with you. You let them get put on the back burner so to speak; trust and believe they will not stay warm back there for long. You must make the time in your day to spend some quality time with your partner. Be it over the phone, video chat, or whatever method of communication works for the both of you; not just what works for you. You are in this relationship together and compromise is a must! If one person says they need phone time, figure out a way to make it happen; even if it's just 5 or 10 minutes out of your day. Go someplace quiet where there will be no interruptions and make the call. If that means you have to go sit in your car in the garage then go do it! It may not seem like much to you but it might mean the world to them. If texting is their thing but not yours, do it anyway, it will not kill you to send a quick text to her throughout the day. The key is to communicate with each other in a way that shows the other person that they matter, and you are willing to go that extra step. Women do not want to be mind readers; don't think just because you are thinking about them, they automatically know this so there is no need for you to tell her. Even if she knows you are, there is no harm in verbalizing it.

DISTANCE- Let's face it travel is costly no matter how you do it. Flying is quicker but can be expensive. Driving is probably cheaper but unless you have a lot of time to spare it's probably not practical especially if someone is traveling 12 hours or more. If you or she is the type of person that needs to physically be with that person a lot, and the distance between the 2 of you is so great that you cannot possibly afford to keep making those trips the relationship is probably not going to work out. Like I mentioned before you have to be honest about everything in the beginning, and that includes how much face-to-face time you require to keep you happy. Attraction is not enough!

Donna Shands: One thing that we do is have dates. We actually dress up and meet via skype-no interruptions just us. We also both have very busy lives so we send little texts throughout the day that vary from random to extra spicy. Above all else we talk about every feeling honestly. There is a high level of trust. The hardest part is we are both touchy/feely so not being able to physically connect is difficult. Skype helps a lot, plus our emotional connection is so strong it feels physical.

We nurture the emotional connection by LISTENING. I know what she wants and needs out of a relationship and I give her that. For example, she needs closeness and "home". I make sure that I focus on her when we talk or skype and do things that feel as if we are in the same space. We sleep together, eat, read, do homework, etc. I always make sure she knows I appreciate the effort she puts into staying connected. She knows I love attention so she surprises me with texts about her feelings in that moment or she will tap out of a meeting to give me a quick call-indicating that I am a priority. Those tiny things keep us smiling and connected.

Eternity Philops: We're blessed that although we're far apart we get to see each other fairly often, every couple of weeks. In between we schedule nights specifically for talking and catching up with each other (which can be hard with a 3 hour time difference and full workloads on both ends). We also text throughout the day every day, and make the most of Skype, which we use not just for conversing but also to be in each other’s presence even if we're both doing other things. Eternity was one of our Happy Highlight Singles and is now in a happy LDR.

Darlene Kelly: I am very interested in a woman I've been talking to for a few months. We have a very "FINALLY-found-the-one-I've-been-dreaming-of-my-entire-life" connection & we are going to meet for Thanksgiving; a perfect way to begin a relationship. I think I've already tried to push her away intending on removing her as a possibility due to the distance but that didn't work. We are actually in mutual agreement that this distance & time is good for us. It's a time for us to take care of loose ends, a time to prepare for our upcoming relationship status. I'm really looking forward to the rocking chairs & grandchildren with her. She gives me flocks of butterflies :))

Rosemary Porter: Do something you both like to do. My ex played the guitar when I met her. I lived in TX at the time and she was in GA. I was in awe when she would play to me while on Oovoo.  I told her I wanted to learn how to play. Another tip I’ll suggest is surprise her with little gifts or texts. That will keep the spice in a LDR.  My ex surprised me with a guitar the next time I went to go visit her. I named her Blue Ivy and I still have her to this day.  When I went back home we had lessons on Oovoo  when we talked at night. Our love of music was one interest we shared. That shared interest helped us to create a stronger foundation as the years went by. We were able to communicate through music and verbally when an issue arose.
   
Pam Culbreth: How do I stay connected, despite the distance? I wake up with a prayer and go to bed with a prayer. We try and begin & end our mornings talking to each other as well throughout our day when we can. We like to take turns planning date nights, having simple quality time. It helps that my career allows me (us) to travel frequently at little or no cost so we can see each other as often as our schedules permits. We also try to plan 2 or 3 trips to places we’ve never been each year.

I like to think that I “nurture” our relationship by making sure I tell and show her that I love her often, despite the distance. We acknowledge and appreciate each other privately & publicly, so that in between our visits she still knows and feels my love for her and my commitment to our relationship.

There can be many “pitfalls” in any relationship, because nobody’s perfect. I say to my partner all the time for me it’s about “D & R”…dignity and respect first. Treat me the way the way you want to be treated, and just remember that if it applies to me then it applies to you also. Never take your partner for granted, by assuming you know how she feels in a situation. Non-communication can be a major pitfall, especially when you’ve been hurt, and your partner may not have realized it. Trust issues has been hard for us at times in our 6 year relationship and we’ve had to learn to accept and acknowledge our mistakes, forgive each other, don’t repeat them and cover them up with more lies. Lastly, we try and surround ourselves with other couples that will hold us both responsible, encourage our relationship, pray with and for us, and tell us when we’re wrong. Recognize negative energy, because not everyone wants to see your relationship grow.

Bunnie Satchell:  Well, not only am I in a completely satisfying LDR, but I'm in a completely satisfying International Relationship (IR). Yes, my queen is Canadian, a Torontonian. She's amazing, wonderful and beautiful both inside & out. She chose me, and I accepted without out hesitation. And now we choose each other. Our paths crossed while on vacation. The most remarkable energy, compatibility and comfortableness that I've ever come across. The level of comfort on all aspects, mental, spiritual, conversation, openness, life experiences, similar interests, even matching physical qualities were like nothing that I've ever experienced before. No lines were crossed while on vaca. We were not available, and it simply was NOT our time. We acknowledged & respected that, and maintained our discipline. I stayed prayed up. I became still. I called on the Universe and asked that our paths may soon pass again. And so it was... When my Queen Audrey called me, and chose me - I said Yes, and gave all thanks and praises to the Most High !! How do we maintain our IR-LDR?  We talk on the phone almost daily. We text, email, call all throughout the day. We agreed and have been visiting one another monthly - for 4 days at the minimum. We have preplanned vacas, holidays, birthdays, and just-because-days. We communicate honestly and openly. We Listen. We share. We allow one another to be vulnerable without passing judgment, without being negative. We meditate and share the lessons learned. We co-wrote and entered a "Relationship Commitment" contract and got her closest friend and one of my dear and closet friends to witness the contract. Of course eventually one day Audrey & I will live together in the same city/country. That is our ultimate goal, but when the time is right. So for now we don't pressure one another for that decision. We are discipline to the Universe, the Most High will be our guide when it's time for that decision about cohabitation. You may ponder or ask, "How long have you two been together?” And Audrey & I will respond in complete synchronicity - "We've been together forever, in this life and the next". #Ase. Bunnie was one of our Happy Highlight Singles and is now in a happy LDR.  

Audrey Sanchez:  I said I would never be in a long distance relationship - anything more than 45 minutes away from me by car was too far!!  It just seemed like too much trouble ... until I met someone who made it all worth it.  And it turns out being in an LDR is not that much trouble at all even though we live in different countries!  We communicate in many different ways almost daily - with today's technology it's so easy.  And thankfully we're in a position where hopping on a plane monthly is also not too much of a strain on either of us.  I think the point is you make adjustments to get the things you really want. In this relationship, I have everything I could ever ask for - someone who loves and adores me, who makes time for me whether we are physically together or not; who goes the extra mile to show me how much she cares, and who lets me do the same for her.  Plus I get to have my time and space as much as I need on my own terms.  It's more perfect than I could have imagined.   And even though I look forward to the day when we live in the same city - and under the same roof -  for now, this long distance relationship is all that AND a bag of chips!

Cherry Knowles (Ms. NY):
 
Things to Watch Out For Especially at the Beginning

  • Listen to how your partner talks to her children when she doesn’t think you are paying attention.
  • Ask your partner about her relationship with her mother and father. If she has issues with her parents and have not received therapy, she more than likely will have problems in a serious relationship.
  • Ask your partner what she did that day. If she cleaned up the same room she cleaned up yesterday (other than the bathroom or kitchen), she may be OCD.
  • If she is constantly complaining about her bills, she is waiting for you to send her some money.
  • If you agreed to fly her to see you for the first time and split the bill, make sure your partner pays her half in advance (not pay you back later) because if it doesn’t work out, you will never get your money back.
  • If she complains that she doesn’t have that many minutes on her phone and will have to limit the conversation with you, she wants you to pay her cell phone bill.
  • If you send her flowers but she never send you flowers or anything else, beware!
  • If you call her at night but she is always sleep or went to bed early and cannot talk, ask yourself if she’s alone or going out and don’t want to tell you.
  • If you go to visit her and she makes excuses on why she can’t introduce you to her family and close friends in the area, you may be a secret, she may be seeing someone else when you are not around, or she may not be out the closet.
  • Do a quick background check on Spokeo or a similar website. You need to check to see if she is who she says she is, lives where she says she lives, and is in the marital status that she claims.
  • Pull up her address on Google maps to see exactly where she lives.

Things to Do to Keep the Fires Burning
  • Send loving texts for no special reason.
  • Write an email love letter or poem and send on a restless night.
  • Send a plant or flowers when she is not feeling well, had a hard day, or lost a close relative or friend to let her know she is in your prayers.
  • Send flowers to her job if she gets a promotion, completed a difficult project, got a new client that was very challenging, etc. This makes you a part of her life and keeps her sharing with you.
  • Plan a road trip together that will take several days or a week. At each destination, have a planned itinerary with activities you would both enjoy.
  • When visiting, surprise her with planned spa treatments.
  • Order information from the Chamber of Commerce and traveling organizations in her area to become familiar with the area, malls, events, activities, restaurants, resorts, and cultural places to visit. This way you can surprise her with plans of your own when visiting or know where to order her a meal and have it delivered to her when you are not there. Also, it’s a good idea to know the local florists in her area so that you may send her gifts (less money when using a local florist than an 800 service).
  • Try to plan a special event for Valentine’s Day, whether you spend it together or not. Planning should start months in advance. Same for her birthday, and New Year’s Eve.
  • Plan at least 1-2 vacations alone together every year.
  • Plan to attend each other’s family weddings, reunions, and other family special events.
  • Talk about what each of you watch on TV. Decide on something to watch together (on or off the phone) and discuss it later on the phone.
  • Write a list of things you can talk about.
  • Use Skype, Oovoo, Yahoo Messenger, etc., to see each other and talk at least once per week while seeing each other. If others are always around, get a laptop or IPad to use in the privacy of your bedroom at night.
  • Both plan to see a movie at the theater the same weekend then talk about it.Send her pictures of your new hairstyle, when out with friends, or of a great meal you cooked or ate at a restaurant.
  • Keep up with the weather reports in her area to warn her if you see a storm coming. And, if her area is in a big storm, stay in contact with her to make sure she is OK.
  • Order and send to her a gift certificate to get a mani/pedi at her favorite spa.
  • Send her greeting cards expressing how you feel. Lightly spray the card with your favorite fragrance.
  • Purchase a new pair of panties, take a shower or bath using your favorite fragrance then wear the panties for 30 minutes then mail to her.
  • Plan a weekend beach or resort trip or cruise together.
  • End each phone conversation at night with 1 thing you like about the other.

Remember the top themes:

Intimacy – Make sure you stay connected and let technology help you overcome the physical separation.  Share your feelings because your voice and words have to resonate physically, emotionally and spiritually. Effective and consistent communication is the key.

Interaction – Use different forms of media to connect and express your love. Find and consistently plan ways/times to be “together” to share your lives. You both must commit to engaging differently, and you must agree to interact in a way that supports the relationship and strengthens the bond. Expect bouts of loneliness but use those times for self-development.

Ingenuity – Be creative and make sure you allocate resources to cultivate and nurture the relationships. LDRs take money and planning so think outside the box so that your finances don’t limit your love.

Great tips and wisdom from the ladies of Create Love. If you find the love of your life, don’t let distance stop you from making a love connection. Anything worth having is worth working for J.

Blessings!
SharRon Jamison 
www.createloveforwomen.com
www.icandependonme-sharronjamison.com
www.sharronjamison.com
SharRoneJamison@gmail.com




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