HAPPY COUPLE HIGHLIGHT:
Cole Thomas
and Soko
How long have you been together?
Soko: Somewhere
between “not long enough” and “forever do us part” aka 4 years.
Cole: "Fourish" years, but I think I knew this woman in another life or something. We're
getting married in March in 2014.
How did you get together/meet?
Soko: We talked
as friends online for a couple of months before meeting at Starbucks for
coffee.
Cole: I discovered her My Space page one day while searching
FL leatherwomen’s groups. She only knew
people in W.O.L.F. but wasn’t herself a member.
It intrigued me to find she understood Dom/sub relationships but hadn’t
had not yet been involved in one. To me,
that spoke of a certain kind of virginity. She then brought her allure to my
studio for a photo shoot and I became very interested from there.
What was the initial attraction?
Soko: I was a victim of her smirky smile, her
overconfident attitude, and her stalker tendencies! LOL.
Seriously, I thought she was (and is) awesomely handsome! It also intrigued me that she performed as a
drag king and spoken word poet. Once we got to know one another, I realized
that we were going through similar challenges as single parents of teens/young
adults. It was good to have someone who
truly understood what it was like.
Cole: First off, she preferred boi-types, not just
“accepted” us, as some women claim to. Soko’s pictures and profile revealed that she was a creative and
adventurous woman, free enough to perform in theater in zany costumes. I also saw that she worked in
bookselling. As a certifiable
bibliophile as well as a thespian, I found both appealing. AND she is curvy, pretty and feminine in
appearance. I later discovered that she,
too, had two children and one gifted child in trouble. She was also now single parenting, trying to
figure it out on her own. It is uncanny
how two of our boys look like siblings and how one of my sons looks more like
her than like me. (BTW, I did NOT stalk her.
She was blowing up my phone; so I had to give her a second look!)
What would you say is
the key to the success of your relationship?
Soko: From the
beginning, we have shared open and honest (sometimes painfully so)
communication. We can both be
opinionated and share strong personalities.
We are very honest and intimate, consistently playful, and fiercely
loyal to one another.
Cole: Early on,
we were on a schedule of sorts. It was
very organized with goals and timelines.
It might not sound too romantic, but you’d have to understand the entire
context to appreciate this nuanced romance.
Clear expectations, whether met or unmet mattered to
us. Our groove has lots of “round peg:
round hole” connections that render the “square peg: round hole” areas less
salient. I hurt when I hurt her feelings
and I know she hurts when she disappoints me.
I don’t know how that fits in, but it impacts the relationship’s
success. Passion and compassion are also
key.
Discuss how you deal
with and face challenges that might come up in your relationship?
Soko: We’ve had to learn to “read” each other and
to work around our own issues with conflict resolution. For example, I might yell in the heat of the
moment. Cole wants to resolve things
“rationally” in the moment, but will shut down if yelling is involved. I have learned to vocalize that I first need
time to calm down. I had to learn to
back away until my emotions were not taking over my brain. Cole has learned to
be patient and give me time to do just that.
Then, we talk it out. We have learned that sometimes the worst place to
talk about sensitive issues in the house. So sometimes, we go out so that we
are on neutral ground. That helps us talk about issues with less emotion. After
we resolve it, we reward ourselves by going to lunch.
Cole: As the
Dominant in this relationship, I have certain entitlements that can blow up in
my face if I ever attempt to abuse them.
It’s so very instructive, the job of balancing of power and
responsibility! It started off that we
faced-off when the issues heated just between the two of us, but as trust
built, conflicts were addressed with more maturity and humility.
From day one we’ve done remarkably well facing outside
challenges – even problems related to parenting – as a team. I’ve asked her opinion often and learned a
lot about realities about which I would have much rather remained idealistic.
Disagreements? We’ve
come to love one another enough to respect boundaries around arguing. She had to stand up to me and show me that
she cares more about her health and wellbeing than about this relationship
before I recognized that it should be just that way: Self-respect first. It lets some air out of my ego sometimes, but
keeps me honest. I am convinced that
only an intelligent woman of color, from the school of hard knocks can create
this type of balance with me. Where an irreconcilable difference is concerned, offering
the other person grace seems all you can do, particularly when you realize that
if they (or you) could do better they (or you) probably would.
Cole, why do you use
the word "entitlements”?
Perhaps I am just crass in that way. There are probably 20 different words I could
use. What I am saying is that in relationships you reasonably expect to have
some things. In our relationship, those
things are stated and agreed upon.
Cole mentioned being
a "Dominant"? Can you share more?
Cole: Every
relationship that has a Dominant/submissive dynamic is not the same. That’s
important in this time of labels, no labels, anti-labels, etc. In every
relationship, there is a balance of power that is agreed upon by both parties
that determines how the relationship is conducted. In many relationships the
couple spends time in power struggles. However,
I have learned that I prefer relationship with the structure of stated
expectations. You can’t assume that everybody was raised like you were raised.
Rather than assuming, our expectations are stated. If people are honest up
front, they give people an option to stay or to go.
Soko: In a
Lifestyle relationship, being a submissive does not mean that you are a passive
participant or a doormat. You always have the power to say “no,” and most
everything is negotiated up front. In the beginning, we discussed our
non-negotiable needs and wants; we made sure that the things we could not live
without were known up front. In our relationship, she’s the head or driver and
I am the navigator and the glue. It is a loving relationship. It means loving
that person enough to reel yourself back. I always feel respected.
Cole: There are
time-outs in our entire dynamic, especially in the time of high crises. If something goes wrong, we are not concerned
about formality; we are concerned only with mutual respect. Options are always
there.
What role does
spirituality play in your relationship?
Soko: We both
believe in God. That’s enough for
me. What anyone calls Him isn’t as
important to me as is the fact that they believe and demonstrate faith.
Cole: Our BDSM
dynamic –for example, her submission– is among our expressions of
spirituality. It speaks to a connection,
a type of sanctuary we create for one another.
On a broader scale, we don’t sell religion or spirituality to one
another. We trust our common ground and
move forward with it. Soko has both
Protestant and Muslim training and is also very inclined toward the
tangible. I am a strange combination of
Christian faith and criticism, of earnestness and cynicism, of humility and
egoism. We speak candidly and express
ourselves in our common and respective practices. I would say we recognize grace for what it is
and operate within a gentle critique of the organized religious avenues that
have or haven’t worked (do or don't work) in our lives.
What role does
sensuality play in your relationship?
Soko: This is a
tough question, kind of like trying to describe air! I can hear sensuality in her laughter and
when she calls me “doll”. I hope my
Dearest feels it when I trail my fingertips down the nape of her neck and that
she can smell it when I make her cinnamon crisps. I recognize it in a look and taste it in her
kiss. In our relationship, sensuality
and intimacy are also the making love between the making love.
Cole: Hmmmm.
Where to begin? Maybe I should leave
this topic to her to describe. I feel we
nail intimacy (no pun intended) most every day, often in the form of
sensuality, but not always. It keeps us
feeling loved, indulged, desired and aroused.
We are fine with making ourselves vulnerable enough to straight out ask
for attention when either feels overlooked.
Honestly, we kind of spoil each other.
And then, there’s the whole series of sexing, (I didn't mean sexting,
but I guess we do that, too) playing, love-making, fucking, flirting,
dancing. The more kinky aspects of the
relationship - D/s, dungeon-style bondage and discipline, "sadism and
masochism"*, role-play - broaden and deepen our sensuality.
How does she
show/tell you that she loves you?
Cole: I show her
I love her by giving her the “tasty morsel” face – that look you give someone
when you want them like you want fresh dessert. I have chores around the house, too; I mop the
floor, wash dishes and even iron our clothes! I also write my doll poems and I make her
other art. I also know her rhythm so I can sometimes anticipate needs and vice
versa. She shows me love by loving my
children like her own. She shows me love
through pets names (yes, "Daddi" is one); grocery-shopping and meal
preparation; sex, lovemaking, and BDSM.
What advice would you
give to other couples?
Soko: Find ways to love and laugh every day. Also, honesty. First, be brutally honest with yourself. Then, be up front with the one you love. After that, you will have to acknowledge that
nobody can be 100% or perfect, not you and not her.
Cole: Don’t
expect your partner to be your everything, but let her know what you do expect,
even at the risk of her being unable or unwilling to meet those
expectations. Establish where you have
common ground and capitalize upon it. Do
not make sh_t up. If you have to go back
and correct something, go back and correct it as soon as you realize your
error. For bois: if you love a steady
femme and she loves you, trust her when she says you're acting like an ass. You
probably are; seriously.
What has your
relationship taught you most about yourself?
Soko: I used to think I would never find that
someone. I’ve learned that it takes
courage to love someone. It takes even more
courage to allow them the chance to love you.
Turns out I am more courageous than I thought!
Cole: Three things...
1) I expect submission, in part because it gives the
relationship clear structure and in part because I am both sensitive and
sentimental, too. As a Dom, loyalty
seems to be a much higher calling. I
don't mean that it's harder; I mean that the stakes feel higher.
2) Being able to laugh at myself (and you at yourself) can be an
invaluable asset in relationships success.
3) Sure, I can be selfish and spoiled, but I will recognize and
acknowledge same when it is pointed out in my actions or my failure to
act. I learn from these instances. I can't have a successful relationship with a
woman whose spiritual foundation is shaky.
That isn't, however, a new discovery.
What one word
characterize/describes your relationship:
Cole: Beloved. We
are spiritual, sharp, sensual and solid. That was tattooed on my back years
before I met Soko. I was looking for
that in a woman and I finally got her.
You said five words, right? lol
Akemi: Honored-
because every day I feel honored that I am part of her life, and vice versa.
*No, not the S &
M on Criminal Minds! We combine “Risk-aware” with "Safe, sane,
and consensual" and reach a comfortable flow.
Learn more about Cole
and Soko at the following websites.
http://www.SexPositiveWorks.com will be up March 1st
(Interview conducted and written by SharRon Jamison)
We are grateful to Cole and Soko for sharing
your amazing love with us at Create Love for Women Who Love Women! We will see
you at the Create Love Conference on February 16th! www.createloveforwomen.com
Imani Evans
Create Love! For Women Who Love Women
Creator & Co-Founder
SharRon Jamison
Create Love! For Women Who Love Women
Co-Founder
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