Birthdays are great time for
reflection and revisiting life’s lessons. On January 25, yesterday, I turned a
fabulous 45 years young! I am blessed and grateful to see another year. And in
45 years I have learned many things about choosing and maintaining a successful
relationship. These lessons have now become my road-map for what works in my
life. It seems befitting that I might humbly share these lessons with you, in
hopes that they may be of some use. Some of these lessons have been learned
through heartache, trials and tribulations... While others were learned through
the fulfillment of relationship bliss and by doing my personal work (critical for
all of us).
Lessons and reflections:
1. The ebb and flow of a relationship is natural – Don’t let
the reality shows and sweet romantic comedies fool you. All couples go through
things, because life happens while we fall in love. There are always those
things that we cannot control, like deaths, job loss, health challenges,
troubled kids, etc. It happens for all of us and it can put a strain on couples
who are stuck in only living a fantasy relationship. But if you learn how to
ride the ups and downs without panic, fear and anxiety you can experience a
solid love – and an ineffable love, whether you are together forever or not.
2. Know thyself – How we select a mate and maintain a relationship
happens through the lens that is a culmination of all our experiences – our
schema. Doing the personal work of confronting and healing our issues will help
clean the streaks off the lens. It will alleviate the painful filters by which
we see the one who is our greatest mirror – our partners. Thus we can make
better choices. It is not about seeking perfection, but rather about engaging
the process in order to experience the progress. Do your work, beloveds! You
and your partner deserve the very best.
3. Your partner cannot be your everything – In short you have to have a life! If you don’t
have one, get one! It is not your partner’s job to fill you up. That is a lofty
job and unfair to expect of anyone. Filling up your life is a shared job. Do
you have friends with whom you spend time? Do you have something you feel passionate
about or a hobby that you love? This is essential because it gives your mate an
opportunity to miss you and admire you. It is such a thrill for me to see my
sweetie in her element, doing her thing. And I love when she gets to see me
doing the same. It gives us a sense of pride to support one another and
celebrate each other.
4. Fear of intimacy swings both ways--This was my big lesson. And it is
a very personal lesson that I am happy to share with you, for the intention of
turning pain into purpose. Years of choosing women with varying levels of
intimacy issues taught me a valuable lesson about myself. Attracting this
pattern into my life was a call to deal with my own intimacy issues. I was only
manifesting a deep belief that I held. Wow! That was a hard pill for me to
swallow. But the truth is that choosing women with a fear of intimacy was a passive
way to avoid intimacy myself, without owning it.
So if you find yourself complaining
about noncommittal or emotionally unavailable women, then it is time to take a
look at yourself and what you truly believe. Any pattern in your life provides
you with a great deal of useful information about your belief system. If you
want to know what you truly believe, I mean deep down inside, all you have to
do is look around you. I am not talking about the lip service you pay for your
image. Instead, I am talking about behavior that originates from your
subconscious. Taking your personal inventory will give you the truth. What are
you attracting?
5. Finding the balance of being an individual and a partner can be
challenging, but it is essential – I have had many clients struggle
with this particular issue. How do I love her the way I envision doing so,
without losing myself? Well, I don’t have a neatly packaged answer for you. The
truth is that the answer to this question is as individual as the number of
people reading this article. I can, however, offer these points as a guide to
finding the right answer for you.
- The better you know yourself the easier it is to ask for what you need.
- A willingness to communicate your needs with honesty, authenticity and transparency will pay off exponentially. No one should be required to read your mind. We all have to learn how to consistently ask for what we need.
6. Comparing your relationship to others is dangerous and ineffective –Last, but
certainly not least, this is a lesson that I think comes with time. When you've lived long enough to have long-term relationships, and watch the relationships
of others up close and from a distance, you begin to get it. Everything that
looks shiny and glittery is not gold. Sometimes couples who appear to have it
all are truly struggling. And it is their right to their personal life. So don’t
get in the habit of believing that all relationships get executed in the same
way.
It is my sincerest hope that you
find some use of these birthday reflections.
Then if you so choose, please feel free to share your greatest lessons
too. We can all learn from each other. I honor you for taking the steps to CREATE
LOVE!
I look forward to exploring some of these concepts in greater
detail at the CREATE LOVE Conference. SharRon and I look forward to
seeing you there. Be sure to
register! Here (Singles AND Couples)
Nya Akoma (Take Heart),
Imani Evans, MA
Creator & Co-Founder
Create Love! For Women Who
Love Women
Find Imani:
Women Healing Women, Inc
Self-Care For Dynamic Women
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