La-Shonda Wilson and Crystal Harris
from North Carolina
How long have you been together? About five years How did you meet? Both: Through a mutual friend. Crystal: I always thought she was the most beautiful woman I had laid eyes on but I of never wanted my friends to know I was interested in a woman since I had only dated men. La-shonda: From the moment I met her I never wanted to be one moment out her sight. I thoroughly enjoyed her hilarious conversations and her outgoing personality not to mention her beauty!!
What was the initial attraction? Crystal: I was extremely drawn to her unique look and her lips. I saw her one day flying down the street near my previous neighborhood. And at that moment I knew I wanted her although at the time I was still dating a man. La-shonda: Man, where do I begin? This woman had a personality and sense of humor like no other. My lust for this woman was something serious.
La-Shonda, since Crystal had never dated women what made you pursue her? Initially I ran from the thought but I knew how I felt about her and I hoped that she would feel the same. I just felt love and I wanted to purse my feelings. I was scared but I didn’t want fear to make me miss out on an opportunity. When Crystal came around, her attention was the only attention I wanted. I was drawn to her. I had to be cautious though because I didn’t want to lose a friend.
Crystal, you had never dated women. What motivated you to get to know La-Shonda? I was drawn to her beauty; she had a unique look. La-Shonda had a glow. Her hair was wild and beautiful and her eyes were so pretty. I was certain that if I was going to be in love with a woman, that it would be her. I went with my gut and gave it a try.
What would you say is the key to success in your/our relationship? Both: Honesty. We believe that honesty is the main factor in any relationship. Without honesty we would not be together. Also, spontaneous acts keep our relationship thriving. We love role playing and coming up with comical things to say to each other. Crystal: Sometimes she calls me up at work and pretends to be a mistress/mysterious lover who needs and lusts after my love. Then she will end the conversation with “don’t tell your woman about us it’s just our little secret.”
I love the spontaneity and creativity. Why do you feel couples neglect or stop adding the spice to the relationship? Crystal: The spice stops because the creative sparks stop. The things that you use to do may not keep the spark going so you have to be innovative. You got to try things outside of the box to keep the desire and fire in the relationship. La-Shonda: You also have to be passionate about the person too because spice and sex is just extra. I am already drawn to Crystal so sex is just the extra icing on the cake.
How you deal with and face challenges that may come up in your relationship? Crystal: We talk a lot throughout our relationship. Sometimes we do not always have the most stress-free conversations but they are well needed. We rather talk about the situation than to leave it broken and untouched. For us saying nothing can cause more chaos than actually approaching the situation.
You said that saying nothing causes more chaos. Why do you feel that silence is so detrimental to relationships? Crystal: Silence is almost compared to death in relationships. When silence creeps in, it takes over. It creates a bad spirit and it causes couples to be detached. If only one person is talking, you have a relationship of 1 and the relationship suffers. La-Shonda: Silence is deadly. Once you stop communicating with your partner, you will find other means to communicate. You will start finding other outlets and you will start communicating more outside of relationships vs. inside of your relationship. Silence is dangerous. Crystal: I am more of the talker in our relationship. We have noticed that if I am silent, something is wrong and we have to fix it. And, we fix it right then. When partners don’t talk, both parties suffer. You start to get off track and you start living in two different lanes.
What role does spirituality play in the relationship? Crystal: It plays a major part in our relationship. We both come from religious backgrounds; both of our mothers are preacher/ ministers so praise and worship plays a major role in both our lives. La-Shonda: I totally agree. I love the Lord deeply and so does she. We pray together, we go to church together and we worship together.
Since you are both from religious backgrounds, how do you families support your relationship? La-Shonda: My family loves Crystal. They see a glow in me that they haven’t seen before. Spiritually, we both respect our spirituality. We keep God first. I pray for me and Crystal as friends and as individuals. We don’t venture too far away from God. Crystal: La-Shonda is totally out to her family. She’s out and they love her. Very few people in my family know. My mother does not know or she claims not to know, but she hasn’t come out and asked me. I have not come out to my family, but at family functions, La-Shonda is always there. We are at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to this.
What role does sensuality play in the relationship? Crystal: Sensuality plays a huge part in our relationship. Before I leave every morning for work or vice versa, we always say I love you and have a great day over the exchange of kisses. La-Shonda: Yes, we do this almost every morning faithfully and if I do not hear those words coming from her before she leaves the house, I will walk outside to her car and make sure I get my kisses and words of love before she leaves. I’m persistent so I get those lips and butt slaps before she leaves me in the morning!! We both enjoy touching each other. Whether it’s through massages, love taps or some other form of intimacy, we just enjoy physical contact. We love wild and erotic sexual encounters with each other as well as role playing. Crystal: I love to be in control as much as she does, so sometimes we struggle with who will be submissive for the night. Sometimes it ends up that both of us take turns.
Fluidity in sexuality is an area where some couples struggle. How did you address the issue of mutual submission in your sex life? La-Shonda: That took a lot of growth because I had to grow to let my guard down. I now don’t understand the “touch me not” stud thing because I love being touch. But we both had to let our guards down so that we could explore each other to see what we both liked. Crystal: We both had to experience the problem before we could fix the problem. For example, at the beginning La-Shonda was a “don’t touch me” stud and that was causing a problem. I enjoyed her pleasing me but I wanted an opportunity to please her. I had never dated a woman before and I wanted to explore her. So after we both acknowledged the problem, we were able to come to a compromise.
What advice would you give other couples? Both: We would tell other couples to live, laugh and love each other. Get to know your partner both inside and out and respect each other’s boundaries and know which points to try to avoid.
Why do you believe that boundaries are important for couples? Crystal: Boundaries are important because they symbolize respect. If you love and respect your partner, you won't consistently cross her boundaries. Yes, we are human and boundaries may sometimes get crossed. But if you are always crossing them, then obviously there is no respect; it's more like the beginning of a disaster.
What about avoiding triggers? La-Shonda: I would run if the end result would fuel something or add fuel to the fire. But I realized that if we were going to grow then our emotions can't separate us. You have to care, be patient and accept what’s going on. Boundaries are great but you have to grow together.
What Relationship Rules do you have that support and ground your relationship? Crystal: Every morning, La-Shonda kisses me and tells me she loves me. Also, we always talk everything out. No one goes to bed angry. You might be frustrated, but not mad. We never sleep a part unless one of us is sick. We are physically touching every night. If we can’t be together or lay with each other, something is wrong. La-Shonda: We respect each other’s spaces. We don’t put our hands on each either. That breeds fear and that will impact your relationship. We express our emotions with words. Also, we don’t do “lesbian drama”. We hate drama.
What has your relationship taught you most about yourself? La-Shonda: This relationship has taught me so much about unconditional love. This relationship has helped me to love her even more than I love myself. We can easily become egocentric; however, this relationship has helped tremendously in that department. Crystal: This relationship has taught me to love me in spite of my flaws because we all have them and La-Shonda adores them. And, {I learned} to never hold my head down because I am beautiful in spite of my own perceived shortcomings.
If you could thank her for one thing, what would that be? La-Shonda: I would thank her for giving me an opportunity to grow with her. She went outside of her comfort zone to give me a chance. Now my entire life is about loving, laughing and living. It took her to change my life, and now my life will be changed forever. Crystal: I would thank her for the love she has showed me. She has showed me love through her gifts, love and quality time. Her love is unconditional and I couldn't ask for much more.
What one word describes or characterizes your love? La-Shonda: Fulfilling. I felt lost in the world until I met her. No matter what happens, we can grow together and together we can make our dreams come true. Crystal: Serenity. Every year we go to the mountains and the mountains are so symbolic of our relationship. When I am at the mountains, I feel serenity, beauty and peace of mind. When I go there, I feel right at home. That is how I feel in my relationship; I feel right at home.
(Interviewed by SharRon Jamison)
We thank you for sharing your love with us at Create Love! Your story will encourage, inspire and uplift other couples. We wish you continued success and happiness. www.createloveforwomen.com
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Imani Evans and SharRon Jamison
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