Friday, August 2, 2013

HOW TO BREAK UP SUCCESSFULLY

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.--Kahlil Gibran

The unfortunate fact of life is that relationships end. When you fell in love with your sweetie you may have thought you could not see life without her; Yet somehow you've ended up in a place where you can't live one more moment with her.  All her cute little idiosyncrasies have turned into annoyances. And you are trying to figure out what in the world you were attracted to in the first place.  That being said, beloved, it may be time to go.

At Create Love we support, empower and celebrate relationships. However we are realistic and know that sometimes the best thing for both partners is to bid your love adieu.  And it may actually be the most loving thing to do at that time.  Furthermore, lingering way beyond your time can be wholly toxic.  Like they say...Reasons, seasons, or a lifetime, right? Right!

The good news is that you can break up without breaking your integrity.  You don't have to become someone you don't respect just to end the relationship.  Goodness knows we have all been there.  Well, let me speak for myself, I have been there.  I have been on both sides of the breakup and the worst thing is to leave not liking the person you've become.  I always say, "It is tolerable to not like you, but it is unacceptable when I don't like myself."   This is my priority gauge for when it is time to hit the bricks.

Whatever your reasons, hopefully, you have taken meticulous care in your decision to move on. Building a solid relationship foundation requires emotional maturity and commitment. You cannot run for the hills at the slightest hint of discord. After all, it's completely unrealistic to set your happiness guide from soap opera tales of romantic bliss. The truth is that some days you are not "in like" with your mate. But if the love remains and the positive outweighs the negative, make your best effort to work it out. If all else fails, put your big girl panties on and make your breakup as healthy as possible.


Many of us have had the kind of breakups that make you want to swear off relationships for the rest of your natural life! In my 20's, I remember starting relationships while plotting my escape. I would say...Let's keep our purchases separate so it's clear who gets what in the end. Now how committed is that, really? However through emotional evolution, and the willingness to confront my own intimacy issues, I am proud to say that is no longer the case.  It is certainly true that when we know better we must strive to do better.

Here are a few tips to ensure that your broken heart doesn't get you broken down:
-There is no need to villainize your partner just because your relationship is ending. There doesn't have to be something wrong with her for the relationship to not be right for you. This message is not to minimize the poor behavior and choices your partner may have demonstrated. However, it is imperative for you to remember that you chose her. So she can't be all bad or it says more about you than it does about her, in terms of the choices you are making. You can dislike the behavior while still holding dignity for the person. 
-Don't abandon the need for quality communication. Too often at the end of our relationships we operate out of pain, hurt, anger and disappointment. We see the relationship through the lens of our emotions. I call this being stuck in your feelings. It is an expression of our humanity to be in this place. But call yourself to a higher expectation and leave your relationship with your integrity and dignity intact. Sometimes it requires choosing your words wisely and other times it requires learning to say nothing. Don't let your words get the best of you by using them to degrade yourself, or your partner. One of my favorite quotes by Emily Dickinson is, "A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day". 
-Don't get caught up in the "stuff". If you've been together for a while chances are you have things at each other's homes, or you've moved in together. Most of you already know where I'm going, but for those of you who need more writing on the wall here it is... Don't let the stuff get you stuck. I have seen so many couples tear any hope of a friendship apart because of a blender, T-shirt, lawnmower, or some other thing to which they have become overly attached. Don't get me wrong I value the possessions I've worked hard for too. But here's the thing, I value peace even more than that! I hope you do as well, because it is just not worth it. 
-Okay, here is the biggie! Keep sex out of the equation. There, I said it. This one is probably one of the most challenging to do. Especially for those couples for whom sex was really their best area of compatibility. However if you are over 20 years old, you know that sex can really complicate an issue – – particularly a breakup! I am not saying it is easy. Sometimes just because you are breaking up doesn't mean you aren't still attracted to your partner. After all the high energy of anger and arousal ride the same wave in our bodies. My only advice is to get a good surfboard and ride that wave back to the sanity and safety of dry land. LOL   
-Write down the reasons for the breakup. This will keep your memory fresh as to why you made the decision. Often after the relationship is completely over, and we are processing in our quiet times, we tend to romanticize the connection with our exes. This is where we get into trouble and start backtracking, only to find ourselves back at another breakup a month later. Writing it down will help you remember the reasons. In addition to writing the reason, be sure to write the way it made you feel. Try to keep your heart moving forward. Which brings me to the final tip. 
-Lean into your lessons. What does this mean? Well, everything – and I do mean everything – is designed to teach, heal and or free us for the next level. Lean into your lessons means take the opportunity to embrace what your relationship offered you in the way of healing. What did you learn about yourself? What did you learn about your likes and dislikes? And what do you know for sure about choosing your next mate? You can either take the time to reflect and process through your lessons, or you will repeat them. Remember that we are always co-creating our experiences, with the Divine Universe (you may call God) and with other human beings. So when something shows up in your life it would behoove you to figure out how you helped to bring it there.
My deepest hope is that you and and your beloved can hold on to your love as long as it serves your highest good.  However, if you find yourself facing an inevitable end, I hope these tips offer you some solace.  I wish you well on your journey to CREATE love.

Nya Akoma,
Imani Evans, MA
www.createloveforwomen.com
imani@surviving2thriving.org
www.surviving2thriving.org
http://selfcarefordynamicwomen.blogspot.com



WE WILL SEE YOU AT ATLANTA'S BLACK GAY PRIDE ON AUGUST 31ST:


5 comments:

  1. Wonderful tools to live by, I felt myself experiencing growth just by reading it...and if in the future I need to LIVE it, then the evolution will be immeasurably. THANK YOU. Although currently single, this article also spoke volumes on ways to maintain a healthy relationship. My motto I live by remains, "I choose to not compromise my self respect, peace of mind, happiness, mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, or financial health and safety FOR ANYONE" and I am CLEAR and UNAPOLOGETIC about that in every relationship. In developing relationships I have been blessed to form strong, quality friendships...and remain cordial if not close to nearly 90% of my previous partners to this day. Great blog, I will be tuning in for more mental stimulation, emotional nurturing, and food for my soul. Thanks again. Peace and Blessings.

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    1. Thank you, Lyricallight! I think that your motto is a great one. I love when women speak of being unapologetic about who they are. So much of our cultural norms and indoctrination encourages us to be "sorry" for making ourselves a priority. But martyrs are 6 feet below...so let's live unapologetically about deciding to make ourselves happy and CHOOSING a relationship that compliments that happiness. PEACE!

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  2. What a blog post!! Very informative and also easy to understand. Looking for more such comments!! Do you have a facebook? I recommended it on digg. The only thing that it’s missing is a bit of new design.
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    1. Thanks for the recommendation on Digg, David. I am on my way to check out your "break up cure" link. Thanks for stopping by and for offering your comment and feedback. Peace!

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