10 Days of Gratitude: Day 2 - By Valerie Hall

Gratefulness Makes Us Happy

by Valerie Hall

I was once pretty typical. I’d often think or say things like “When I am thinner, I will be happy”. When I… get that raise, buy that new car, meet the perfect woman, etc. THEN I will be grateful. I also spent a lot of time wondering WHEN all of these things were going to happen to me. Waiting for things to happen in order to be grateful is a very blasé way of existing. It’s passive. And most of the time, it simply doesn’t WORK, at least not for me.

Slow down.  Breathe. 

The biggest problem with basing my happiness on outside events, obtaining material possessions or relying on someone outside of myself, was that it made me FORGETFUL.   When my eye was on some prize that might come to fruition, I quickly lost sight of what already IS so wonderful in my life.

  

Viewing life through a filter of gratitude isn’t always easy, but it can be very simple.  First and foremost, I remind myself of all the things that I tend to take for granted:  The air I breathe, the love of my family, genuine friendships and the beauty I see outside my window on any given day. 

Once my every day blessings are recalled, I challenge myself to remember every single struggle I’ve ever had in my lifetime.  This may seem a counterproductive action… but when I do this? I am reminded of where I have been and that through God’s grace, I am still here.  I am still here to live and to love -- one more day.  This is the gift of NOW.  Being present always leads me to grateful. 

When I am done recalling the struggles of life… my mind seems to naturally respond with all the moments of joy and bliss:  The birth of my son, the pride on my mother’s face in response to anything I’ve ever even TRIED to accomplish, making mistakes and having someone love me anyway… Falling in love.

   

I encourage everyone to take time to slow down and just breathe.  If you’re feeling especially low, start with just ONE thought of gratitude. As you feel stronger, add one more.  Then 2 more.  Grateful does lead to happy, one tiny little building block at a time.

    

“Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies…” (John Milton) 

 

Valerie can also be reached on Facebook and Twitter. 

 http://www.facebook.com/perfekly.flawed 

https://twitter.com/perfekly_flawed 

Create Love Founders

Imani Evans and SharRon Jamison 

We look forward to seeing you at the 

Create Love Conference

March 8, 2014

GET MORE INFO HERE

10 Days of Gratitude: Day 1 - Unshakable Joy

At Create Love we are celebrating gratitude in a big way. We are inviting you to immerse yourself in the energy of gratitude with 10 days of gratitude, starting today! The Thanksgiving season is my favorite time of the year. I have never been a huge proponent of the holiday itself, but it is a time when there is a palpable consciousness of gratitude. It is an energy that thrills me. This season is the one time of the year when it is culturally acceptable to stop and bask in the appreciation of your life and the people in it.

Personally, there is always one thing that rises to the top of my gratitude list every day and certainly at every annual reflection. That one thing is my humble appreciation for an unshakable joy. While it may sound simple and somewhat ethereal, it is everything to me. Don't get me wrong, I am not talking about happiness. Happiness is wonderful, but it is fleeting. Unshakable joy is much deeper. It is something you feel beyond your skin and it lives at your soul level. It is a visceral "knowingness" that you are one with all creation and that your life is part of a greater plan, even when it doesn't appear to be so. It is the ability to rest in a belief that all things work for your highest good--not just sometimes but ALL THE TIME.

Acquiring an unshakable joy, ironically, came for me only after losing everything. From about 2001 – 2003 I lost everything that I had come to depend on. You see, I had always prided myself on an ability to quickly find a job and always be independent. After all, I had an advanced degree, worked extremely hard, and was consistently lauded for my efforts. I began working at age 15 and had never stopped for any substantial length of time. However during this time, I couldn't buy a job despite my diligent search.

My fully loaded Jeep Grand Cherokee, limited edition, with heated leather seats was repossessed. My utilities were being threatened for shut-off every month. I had a pink eviction notice on my door regularly. Until finally I was actually evicted. I remember being so depressed that one night I had a dream that my walls were crying. Talk about depressed at the foundation of my being! Sometimes the mere memory makes me cry. But throughout it all there was one truth that was ever present in my heart; I do not serve and honor a God who desires my suffering. This I knew without a shadow of a doubt. So I knew that my circumstances had to be an illusion of suffering designed to make me pay attention to something greater… And I did!

You see, when everything you think you know about yourself is taken away and all the things by which you defined your self are ripped from your life, you have been broken down to your lowest common denominator. The question you have to ask yourself at this point is, who am I? Not what is my job, not how much money I make, not what do I have, but at the core of my being who am and why am I here? I began to explore these questions for myself at that time and the process changed my life as much as the answer. Here is what I learned:

• For as much as I defined myself by things, those things were never really about me. They were not me, instead they were what I did and what I had. All of which was by the sheer grace of the Most High.

• I was proud of my independence, but the truth is that I was always being supported even when I didn't acknowledge that support. Sometimes my support came in small ways, like from a kindness displayed by a stranger. Other times that support came from friends who supported me even when it didn't seem like enough for me. But most importantly, and always, I was supported by the divine universe whose support was unwavering.

• My ego had become my God. And while I would have never defined myself as materialistic, too much of my identity was held in my pride. I had to restore God to her rightful place, which meant my ego had to die. What a humbling experience that was!

• Finally I had to learn that people, places, and things are resources, but only God is THE SOURCE.  When I overstood that, then the blessings got bigger.

These four lessons where the gateways to my unshakable joy. I survived during those two years on miracles. Sometimes the miracle was small and sometimes it was so big that it was unmistakably God's presence. The miracles were so numerous and many would be simply unbelievable to most. I remember one day a friend called me up and gave me a lottery ticket just because she had a good feeling about it. Now, I had never played the lottery but she did on a regular basis. I took the ticket even though I didn't think much of it. That night I sat and watched the Cash 4  numbers play. 1-7-5-3... I hit and won-- straight! I was able to pay my rent. Yes, I am clear that miracles were happening every day.

During this time, I felt the call to write a book called Today Is The Miracle (Now only available by e-book). It was a labor of love to get it done and published. I ultimately sold 1000 copies of my book. I

had speaking engagements and met people who shared the ways that the book and the exercises in it had changed their lives. I was deeply grateful. Four months after the book was released, I found a job that I held for the next five years. I am clear that God had been calling me to write that book and reach people well before I had lost everything. However, my ego was in the way and I always put my "busyness" first. Having everything taken away was God's way of saying, "Now what is your excuse?" Hmmm...

So now I am diligent about listening to the whispers of God, so that I don't have to be shouted at again. Knowing whose and who I am is my unshakable joy. What is yours?  

It is incumbent upon each of us to listen to the gentle call on our lives and step up when we hear our name. We are all a culmination of everything and every moment we've ever experienced. Gratitude is the foundation to remembering each experience, the good and the bad, without judgment and in reverence for its contribution to our soul.

Remember to come back for the next 10 days to share in our celebration of gratitude. However you celebrate Thanksgiving this year, I wish you great success as you embark on your journey to create more love in your life.


Nya Akoma,
Imani Evans, MA
CONTACT ME:
www.createloveforwomen.com
www.surviving2thriving.org
http://selfcarefordynamicwomen.com
Today Is The Miracle on E-book
imani@surviving2thriving.org
404.944.6409

We look forward to seeing you at the 

Create Love Conference

March 8, 2014

GET MORE INFO HERE

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Happy Couple Highlights: Yvonne & Marcie Younger

Yvonne & Marcie Younger

from Chicago, Illinois

  

How long have you been together?  Marcie: We have been together for 10 years and we have been married for 9 years. We just renewed our vows on September 8, 2013. Yvonne: Yes, we have been together for 10 years with ups and downs but we are still standing as one.

Congrats on 10 years. What made you renew your vows? Marcie: In 10 years you go through so much. For example, last year I almost died. I went in the hospital for a surgery that should have lasted only 45 minutes but the surgery lasted almost 9 hours. After the surgery, I was in a coma for two days and then I had multiple stays in the hospital. It was a tough time. Yvonne had to go to work, take care of the kids and take care of me. It was work and people need to know that relationships don’t just flow; they take work. Yvonne: Renewing our vows was important to me because we had experienced so many ups and downs.  Our relationship was starting to balance out like it should have. And, with all that we had been though, I had a better perspective on family and family values.

Sometimes relationships don’t survive major illnesses. What did you learn about her during that experience that made you love her more?  Marcie: I learned that I was always the caregiver and that I did not know how to let someone take care of me. But I had to let my wife help me and that showed me that she could take care of me. So, I learned it was ok to let her love and care for me and that I don’t always have to be the caregiver. Yvonne:  When my wife was sick, I realized that she was my rock and the heart of our family. I had to care for her like she cared for everyone else. Without her, I’m not me. You never think the person you love could ever leave you so soon.  That experience made me love the way that Marcie does; she loves hard.  I learned to “love hard” because you never know what might happen.

How did you get together/meet?  Yvonne:  We met at a club.  I gave my wife my cell phone number to call, but she didn’t call until a month later. Marcie: I was not looking nor did I want a girlfriend because I had just broken up with a nut case. lol. The night I met Yvonne she told me that she was going to take me out. But I told her that I just came to see the show. I wasn’t interested.

Marcie, why did it take so long for you to call? First, she had a girlfriend and secondly, I was not trying to be bothered. Also at the club she was intoxicated and was "making it rain". And, I didn’t like Yvonne because I thought she was arrogant. She was even late for our first date and then stayed on the phone at the table.

Yvonne, why did you stay on the phone? I was just being a jerk. I always had a certain air about me and women would let me run over them. But when Marcie came along and I was on the phone, she told me good-bye and have a nice day.  Oh my God….it was something about Marcie and that experience that made me see her.

What was the initial attraction? Yvonne: Marcie just appeared to be secure in her own skin. I loved her personality and energy; she was different: Marcie: It wasn’t an instant attraction. When I initially called her, she did not remember me because she had been drinking when we first met. When we met for cocktails and dinner, she was rude. She talked on the phone for 30 minutes while I was waiting at the table. When she saw that I was about to leave, all of a sudden she got off the phone and we had a good time. We have been together ever since.

How did your children respond to the relationship? Yvonne: At first, the oldest one would look at me crazy. The middle son was a little standoffish but after we took a family outing, everything was ok. Marcie: It was not just about them. I was married to their dad for 12 years and he was crazy. He was so crazy that he didn’t even know when we got divorced. I wanted to be happy.

What is the key to the success of your relationship?  Yvonne: We are always honest and we remain open-minded. Marcie: I took my time to really learn my wife. I took my time to get to know her ups and downs. I feel as if I am built for her.

Some couples have trouble being honest. What areas are the most difficult for you to be honest: Marcie:  Here is a good example. We started having some problems and I didn’t understand why. I had gotten too heavy and realized that she didn’t like a “fatty”. All I wanted her to do was to tell me- to tell me the truth. People need to tell their partners if they are getting overweight or if they are not maintaining themselves. That’s important. Yvonne: Being honest is sometimes hard because you don’t want to offend anyone. I would ask “you want to go to the gym” but I didn’t say anything directly about her weight. But with Marcie I should have been blunt because she is very cut and dry.

How do you deal with and face challenges that come up in your relationship? Marcie:  We deal with them by knowing that we are human and that mistakes will be made. We can deal with anything through talking. And if you never close your heart and soul to the love you have for the person, you can face and deal with anything together. Yvonne: We have been through a lot but we always stand strong; we don’t allow any difficult challenges to defeat us. Prayer is the key in our relationship.

Why do you feel that couples close their hearts to each other?  Yvonne: Couples close their hearts when they feel that nobody is listening. Sometimes people need to change and compromise but if you don’t listen, how can you learn what people need or what people expect? That’s why we tell people to take their time but now everybody wants to get married. Marriage is work and you have to be open and willing to listen and change. Marcie: Yes, people close their hearts when they don’t feel heard and listened to. Knowing how to open your heart and knowing how to fall back to see what is really going on, no matter how good or bad, is important. You must have compassion for whatever your partner is going through.  

Yvonne: Marcie is right, communication is the key. You have to talk, but you also need to listen. Marcie: I am head-strong but Yvonne gives good feedback and I always stick around to listen to what she says. After I listen, I have to think about and then talk about it because I need to make sure I really understand. I listen to her because I want to hear her. Yvonne: Marcie has taught me a lot and I don’t have problems taking feedback from her. People need to accept when they make mistakes and when things go wrong; you got to be opened-minded.

Every relationship has “Relationship Rules” that support the union. What are your rules? Yvonne: I always tell her that I love her. And, I always call while I am driving. That’s not a rule because I love talking to her. I just enjoy being with Marcie. Marcie: When we get mad each other, we have to fix it in 24 hours and I am usually the one who has to go to her☺. We always embrace and kiss before we leave each other- no matter what.

What role does spirituality play in your relationship? Marcie: I have been studying Buddhism and I have noticed a difference in my life. I have been through so much and meditation has helped. I feel more peaceful. Yvonne: I have started reading Buddhism because I saw miraculous changes in Marcie. I want to grow with her; I want us to grow together because we are one. Marcie: I was also built for my wife; we are one because God made me for her and her for me. We are one body and one love.

What role does sensuality play in your relationship? Yvonne: It is major because you need to be in tune with yourself and with your spouse. Marcie: I am a sexual and sensual person and I very attracted to Yvonne. She has the prettiest smile and she has a nice ass. She’s a good provider and she’s an amazing partner. Yvonne: I love how Marcie moves a crowd. Wherever she goes, she has a positive effect on people. She’s so gorgeous to me.

What’s the most romantic thing that she has ever done for you? Yvonne: Marcie took me on my first cruise. Now whenever she plans something, I know it will be fun. Marcie: Four months into our relationship, we were in a mall and we went into a jewelry store. She said pick out a ring because we are getting married. That’s was romantic to me.

What do you most admire about her? Marcie: I love that Yvonne allows me to be me. I am very head-strong and my wife lets me be me. I love her for that. Yvonne: I admire her confidence; she so secure. She’s irresistible and she makes me laugh.

What has your relationship taught you most about yourself?  Marcie:  I have learned that I can go though anything if we go through it together. When I married Yvonne I truly married my life-long love. Yvonne:  I have learned that I am not alone in our relationship; my wife is my soul mate. I have learned to study my wife’s soul.

What advice would you give to other couples? Marcie: Love and love hard. Fight for you partner and never let her feel alone and unloved. If you do that, nothing will come between you. Yvonne: Get to know your spouse’s mind, body, feelings and soul. Study and learn what makes her tick. Remember why you met and never forget your purpose. A marriage is not shallow; it is more than just the physical. Marcie: Don’t forget why you fell in love in the 1^st place. When couples forget why they love each other, it’s time to get a divorce.

If you could thank her for one thing, what would that be? Yvonne: I would thank her for letting my mother move in with us. It was a battle at first but now everything is good. Marcie: I would thank her for coming into my life and truly changing it. I would thank her for learning how to love a woman with three children and knowing how to stick and stay.

What 1 word describes and characterizes your relationship and why? Yvonne: Love, our love has grown and it is fun. I enjoy her. Marcie: Phenomenal, even through the good and bad times, we have learned how to make it work. We love each other, but we also like other. I am happy.

(Interviewed by SharRon Jamison)

 

We thank you for sharing your love with us at Create Love! Your story will encourage, inspire and uplift other couples. We wish you continued success and happiness. www.createloveforwomen.com

Create Love Founders

Imani Evans and SharRon Jamison 

We will see you at the 2014 Create Love Conference on March 8, 2014: More Info

Happy Single Highlight: Eternity

 Eternity Philops

from Charlotte, North Carolina

Since you have been single, what have you learned about yourself? I’ve actually learned just how much I enjoy my own company. I’ve always been a loner and spent time with me, but in my singlehood I’ve taken that “me time” to a whole, new level. It’s taught me the value of my presence and that my time with others is a voluntary gift, not a social obligation.

What are you doing now to prepare yourself for a healthy relationship? The key to having a healthy relationship with another person is first having a healthy relationship with one’s Self, so that’s where my focus is. I spend a lot of time on Self-assessment and meditation, getting in touch with what I feel – about my Self, about life, God, love, etc. – and exploring that. I think it’s important to know not just who you are, but why you are who you are, because that helps you to recognize both areas of strength and of weakness.

What areas do you tend to struggle with most in relationships? I’d say the biggest difficulty for me in a relationship is actually getting one started, lol. I actually think I’m very good at maintaining a healthy relationship because I’m willing to be open and put in the effort needed to make it work. The hard part has been connecting with someone where both the passion and the potential for a fulfilling relationships exists…oftentimes one or the other is missing.

What characteristics and traits do you find most compatible? Which ones are most problematic and why? I’m big on being with someone who is open mentally and emotionally. To me what makes people compatible isn’t simply having the same opinions or likes and dislikes, but having the willingness and desire to explore life outside of their present knowledge and comfort zone. Likewise, we both have to be open emotionally, or willing to grow in emotional openness, in order to truly connect with one another on an authentic level. So it’s problematic for me if that isn’t there because there’s no way for us to grow together.

What do you love about love? I love how love leads to more love! Loving my Self allows me to love others, and loving others leads back to loving me. I believe that true, authentic, pure love is healing, and that is something so many of us need and desire, and yet are afraid or don’t know how to give and receive.

What has being in a relationship taught you about you? I’ve learned how far I’m willing to go to be with the one I desire, as well as how to recognize when I’ve done all I can to keep the relationship alive and have to let it go. I’ve also learned how critical the element of passion is for me, that special level of chemistry and connection that makes a soul bond possible. Without that soul bond, I can only go so far. On the flip side, I’ve learned how to recognize a lustful connection over a loving one. Too often we can get caught up in physical chemistry and think we’ve found a soulmate when all we’ve found is a bedmate. And even good sex gets old after a while if there’s no emotional depth to it, at least for me.

What do you admire about yourself? Hmm…I suppose the thing I appreciate the most about my Self is how far I’ve grown over the years. In the past I’ve dealt with depression, feelings of abandonment, and just general disconnection from others that kept me very isolated and insulated. At this point in my life, however, I’ve “come out” in more ways than just when I accepted and announced that I was gay.  Looking back at where I’ve been, I can honestly say I’m proud of where and who I am now, and know that my journey of evolution is nowhere near over.

How would your friends describe you? Ha, I can’t even pretend to be modest…my friends would say that I’m freakin’ awesome! But why I’m awesome? I think they’d say it’s because I’m very caring and attentive as a friend, that they know they can depend on me when they need me and I keep things real. Plus, I’m just a pretty cool person to hang with.

What do you like to do for fun and why? I enjoy new experiences because I think that’s a big part of what life is about, so I like doing stuff I’ve never done before. In line with that is traveling…going to different places and experiencing different cultures. In general, though I usually enjoy anything that engages my mind in some way.

What is our love language and how did you learn that about yourself? I used to say that “quality time” was my primary love language because I love sharing experiences, but I’ve since learned that a balance of all five is pretty instrumental to a successful relationship with me. I’m very affectionate with the one I love so “physical touch” is crucial; and though I’m not a materialistic person I greatly value the thoughtfulness and energy someone puts into a gift. Rather than “words of affirmation” I prefer “words of appreciation” (yes, I made that up)…tell me you recognize and appreciate the time and effort I put into doing something for you, even if I didn’t quite do it right. The least love language for me, though, is “acts of service”. I have an extremely high level of attention to detail so I’m pretty picky about the way I want things done; so unless you can do it exactly the way I want it, just let me do it. Unless I’m sick…I’m a big baby when I’m sick so then you can do everything for me, lol.

Finish this sentence…..before I die I want to have and be a loving wife.

How important is spirituality to you? My spirituality is crucial to me in that it’s the very reason I’m alive today. I said before that I’ve dealt with depression in the past, and there were some extremely dark times that I almost did not make it through. I could say that it was my faith in God that brought me through, but in truth, what really saved my life was God’s faith in me…God never let go, even after I did. It was religion that brought me to the edge of death, but I’ve since released those restrictions, and allowed free-flowing faith and spirit to bring me back to life (back to reality!).

What important lesson did you learn from your mother that has helped you in life and in relationships? What I learned the most from my mother was ways not to be. She and I do not have what I’d call a good relationship, and as both a child and an adult I recognize tendencies in her that I don’t wish for my Self. So the things I think she needs to improve in her life I’ve made a point to work on in my own. The biggest lesson has been forgiveness and not holding grudges, to release the negative energy of being hurt by others, even if that person never acknowledges the pain they’ve caused. I see how she has carried past suffering into her present, by people who are long gone from her life, and I know that’s not how I want to be. So I practice forgiveness as often as I can, starting with forgiving her. I don’t always get it right, but I try.

I admire that at the age of 23, you wrote and published your own book. That's so commendable. What was your motivation and what did that process teach you? Was I 23 when I did that? I can barely keep up with myself! Putting together and publishing Visions of a Cryptic Mystery, Volume One was really just something I did simply because I wanted the experience of doing it. I’ve written poetry and short stories since childhood, and eventually I had enough that I thought were good enough for a book. I self-published because I wanted total control over the process, both for knowledge and expression (I’m also frugal and figured I could save a few dollars if I did all the work, lol!). I wanted to not only learn the publishing process, but I also wanted the satisfaction of producing every single detail myself. There are a lot of services out there that will take care of everything for you but for me that isn’t truly self-publishing, and this was to be a 100% reflection of my Self…I gave birth to that book in every way. The process itself taught me what to not do and what to do better for the next time (like pay a professional for a decent book cover!). I may not have done everything right and it may not be the best book in the world, but that book is the literary expression of who I am (or at least who I was at the time), and that was the entire point. When you read Visions of a Cryptic Mystery you are quite literally looking into my soul….I hope you like what you see.

Tell me about your photography business. So I’ve set down the pen for a while in exchange for the camera. Photography actually wasn’t a life goal of mine; I simply saw a Nikon commercial and figured I could take some decent pictures. I discovered that I was pretty good at it, then randomly decided to start a business…from there I created Soul Art Photography. I’ve been operating since 2010, and have really blossomed as a visual artist. I still have a lot to learn, of course, but it’s another area of birthing creativity that I greatly enjoy.

How can people get in touch with you? I’m everywhere you want to be, lol! Okay, maybe not. But I’m on Facebook (www.Facebook.com/Eternity.Philops) and I pretty much connect with anybody so there’s no need to be shy about friend requests. My main site is www.Eternity-Philops.com, and my photography site is www.SoulArtPhoto.com. 

(Interview conducted by SharRon Jamison)

We thank you for sharing your journey of happiness in singlehood! Your story will encourage, inspire and uplift other singles. We wish you continued success and happiness. www.createloveforwomen.com

Create Love -- Founders 

 Imani Evans and SharRon Jamison

We are looking forward to seeing you at the 2nd annual CREATE LOVE CONFERENCE FOR WOMEN
MARCH 8, 2014

Click here for more info 

ASK LOVE II: Relationship Q & A

QUESTION: I recently moved from California to finally be with my girlfriend. We had been in a long distance relationship since 2010 and we both agreed to the move. Two months after my move, she told me that she did not like to cuddle and that she did not want to have sex. Instead of a relationship she said she wanted companionship. Before the move we had been very intimate but all of a sudden that stopped.

I asked her why she let me give up everything (job, family and friends) to move. She said that she realized two months after our 1st visit in February that she had these feelings. I asked her “why didn’t you say something?” She said, "I was so excited about hearing the excitement in your voice about coming here, I never thought about my feelings". She says that she still loves me and is in love with me, but she knows I won't stay with her without any form of affection. This is not making any sense to me. She just wants companionship but she does not want me to leave and she doesn't want me to move into the guest bedroom. Help!!!

Temple, GA

ANSWER: Beloved, first and foremost, thanks so much for your question. I know it took a lot of vulnerability and courage to share your story. Asking for help is never easy and I celebrate you for that. When it comes to love there are no easy or “one-size-fits-all” answers or approaches. So, I lovingly and respectfully offer some questions for you to thoughtfully consider as you analyze your relationship, explore your emotions and mull over your options. So before you make your decision, let’s review a few things together.

When people express that they had a “sudden” change of heart, it always leads me to believe a few things:

1) It leads me to believe that the woman had feelings about something, but did not have full access to her emotions. In order words, she felt something but had difficulty pinpointing or understanding her feelings well enough to communicate and/or appreciate them. As a result, the change feels like an “all of a sudden” change but it really was a process. In my experience working clients, people rarely have a “sudden” change of heart. Consciously or unconsciously people process or ruminate until they are eventually able to reveal/understand/share their truth. So, just keep in mind that her feelings may not be new but they may now just be “available” to her. That may not make you feel better, but it is something to consider.

2) It leads me to believe that the person does not know how to communicate those feelings or that a person does not feel confident expressing her/his feelings. So instead of her using words to communicate with you, she may be trying to communicate through her actions by pulling away. Her actions are sending you a message and it may be helpful to initiate a conversation to verify exactly what she wants. She may be only saying that she wants companionship but she may really want to leave the relationship. She knows that you made a huge investment by relocating and she may be experiencing some guilt for not speaking up sooner. If you can, ask her directly how she feels about your relocation. Ask her directly if she wants out of the relationship. The conversation may be difficult but don’t let the difficulty deter you from making an inquiry.

3) It leads me to believe that she wants a relationship but only on her terms. For example, she says that she wants you but without the sex. When somebody offers terms that they KNOW won’t satisfy, support, sustain or strengthen you or the relationship, what are they really saying? There may be an underlining message there that you may need to clarify and/or accept. But at the end of the day, remember your decision needs to support you long term. Don’t agree to anything without considering the long-term consequences to your spirit, mind and soul. You have already made enough sacrifices and changes for the relationship. Don’t make emotional concessions that you can’t live with or that don’t honor/value you. Your needs, desires and wants are important too. Don’t shortchange yourself.

Here are my thoughts:

• My first step would be to initiate a conversation with her to really assess what is going on. That should eliminate your need to create “stories” that are grounded in your fears and exploit your insecurities. Since you have made significant changes in your life, you deserve to understand what happened. But you must also accept that she may not be able or willing to explain/express her change of heart to your satisfaction. Despite her answers or responses, ask the questions. You are asking for you and your spirit.
• Her statement that she was excited about your excitement makes me wonder about her level of maturity. Life changes are not just about emotions and I wonder if she appreciates the planning, coordination and sacrifices you made to relocate. Nevertheless, I would inquire about her past experiences so you have more data to make a decision. Making decisions without data is never advisable and a combination of facts and feelings (intuition) usually results in the best outcomes. So ask and know that she may share but she may not. Please be cautious because she has already admitted and demonstrated that she may not be able to communicate honestly or in a timely fashion. Remember she said she had feelings two months after your first visit. That’s a sign!
• Be clear about what YOU want and what you will tolerate. It does not matter that she doesn’t want you to move or leave. Your decision to leave or stay is your decision and it is important for you to own the decision too. I know that you have already made many life changes and making another change may feel overwhelming, unfair or just plain scary. Whatever you feel, accept the feeling but don’t allow the feeling to dictate your actions. If you want to stay and agree to the new arrangements, think about what that means to you spiritually, emotionally, financially and sexually. Be clear about what the new arrangement entails. For example, are you in a relationship or not? Are you two working to heal the “change” or not? If so, how and when? How will you function in a household together and what does that look like? The clearer you are on those issues, the more informed decision you can make.
• If you leave, plan your departure wisely. Consider all aspects of the move and set a deadline. The deadline will force you to be accountable to yourself.
• I want you to also consider that she may have a dysfunctional dating style or pattern too. She may have been more interested in the chase than the relationship. I am linking Imani’s article for your review.
• One last thing, accepting accountability and responsibility for our choices is the quickest way to feel empowered. And you deserve to feel empowered on this new journey. To that end, she didn’t “let” you move, you made a decision to move. You made the best decision based on the information available to you. Even though she was not fair, not completely honest or if she changed her mind, you relocated based on what you wanted. Why is that important? You made a choice to be with her and you have the same power to make a different choice. You are always in charge of you; your choices are your own. The first step on most healing journeys is to accept that we exercise free will and that our choices always have consequences, both good and bad. Sis, please know that you are powerful; you are the director and producer of your life so “walk in” your power. I can tell that you have a lot of power too because relocating across the country takes courage, resilience, coordination, organization and initiative. You are amazing – don’t forget that!

Beloved, I know that you have some hard decisions to make and I want you to know that you are more than able to do what you need to do to support you. Mediate, analyze and be honest with yourself FIRST!!!! If you want a relationship, that’s ok; that’s natural. But the relationship needs to support you also. If not, it may end up wounding you in ways that you may not recognize until later.

Here is the bottom line. Love You!! Honor You! Support You! Plan for You! If you can do all of things with her, great. If not, choose you. It is your decision, but my prayer is that you will choose you - whatever that choice needs to look like to value you. You DERSERVE it!

I plan to write an article about LDD, Long Distance Dating, in the coming weeks. That may be another resource for you too.

Sending you light and love as your contemplate your decision. Blessings!

Related Articles:
Who Are You Really Dating? 11 Dysfunctional Dating Personalities
SAILING THE "SHIPS" OF LIFE: Friendship and Relationship Success
How To Choose a Beautiful Mate...
Do You Really Love Me?

SharRon
www.createloveforwomen.com
www.icandependonme-sharronjamison.com
www.sharronjamison.com
SharRoneJamison@gmail.com

We are looking forward to seeing you at the 2nd annual CREATE LOVE CONFERENCE FOR WOMEN
MARCH 8, 2014

Click here for more info 

Ahhh...The PERFECT ORGASM!

Warning: This article is for the grown and sexy! If you clutched your pearls at the very use of the word "orgasm", well, you just might not be ready. However, if your eyes widened, a big smile emerged on your face, and you screamed oh, yes!...Then you are in the right place. It is true that even as adults some women become bashful little girls at open discussion of the big O. I am here to tell you that the shy and bashful little girl act is cute, if it is part of your seduction. But if it has left you neglectful of your God-given right to experience deep sexual pleasure--then let it go!

Did you know that there was once a time when it was assumed that women didn't even have orgasms? I'm ecstatic to report that we are long past that nonsense. However we still have a long way to go. Most statistics on sexuality still uncover some disturbing facts: 90% of men report having an orgasm 100% of the time; while only 30% of women make that same claim. And about 10% of women report having never had an orgasm at all.  Certainly there is a paucity of research on lesbians, or women who have sex with women.  However, this data is is quite unnerving either way. It was this very disconcerting information that inspired this article.

Over many years of working with women recovering from sexual abuse and violence, as well as lesbians battling bed death, I have made some very interesting observations. Shame often keeps women from having an intimate relationship with their own bodies, much less a lover. Believe it or not, some women are hands off of their own vagina. But I am not surprised given our gender socialization in this country. It is a sheer blessing that women ever have quality sex lives in America. I mean, if you grew up like me, you heard that sexual expression by girls was "nasty" or meant she was a "fast – tail" little girl. We live in a culture that teaches hyper-masculinity to boys and chastity to girls. We make play-play names for our private parts and wonder why 40-year-old women blush at the very use of the word vagina. Well, today we are beginning to break that cycle, which begins with information. There is no shame in not knowing a thing, but it is unacceptable to be unwilling to learn once you know that you don't know. So let's learn together.

What exactly is an orgasm?
Here's the thing... The feeling of an orgasm can be as different and unique as each individual woman. Some women have very mild orgasms and others have very intense experiences. Scientists tell us that during an orgasm our brains light up like Christmas trees. So the idea of an orgasm being mind blowing is not that far from reality. An orgasm is a full body experience. Most women are clitorally orgasmic and others experience an orgasm from the very illusive G-spot  (you should know that doctors are still debating whether or not the G-spot even exists.  But I am guessing if you've had one, you are not doubting its existence--lucky you!) Fortunately for the majority of women who experience clitoral orgasms, the clitoris was built for the job.  With approximately 8,000 nerve endings in this tiny organ it was designed solely for sexual pleasure. (You may applaud now).

Since I am not claiming to be the world renown expert on this subject, but rather the bearer of good news, here is a definition of an orgasm from www.the-clitoris.com (an education site):

Orgasm is a physical reflex, usually a pleasurable one, when the muscles that were tightened during sexual arousal relax and the body returns to its pre-arousal state. During sexual arousal there is increased blood flow to the genitals and tensing of muscles throughout the body and particularly in the genitals. Orgasm reverses this process through a series of rhythmic contractions. For women, contractions occur in the lower part of the vagina, in the uterus, anus, and pelvic floor. About 10 percent of women also ejaculate fluid from the urethra at orgasm.

And here is some additional information from www.psychologytoday.com on the matter of orgasms: 

In women, the muscle contractions of orgasms are usually, but not always, visible as contractions of the anal sphincter and the vaginal opening. In some women, orgasm also releases fluid (female ejaculation), from the glands that surround the urethra (paraurethral glands, e.g. Skene's glands). Most women who ejaculate release a teaspoon or less, but some release considerably more. This fluid is not urine. It's more like men's prostatic fluid. Most women can have only one orgasm per interlude, but some (it's not exactly clear how many but a small minority) can have two or more in rapid succession (multiple orgasm).

As you can see, the beauty of the female orgasm is that it is both complex and simple. How a woman experiences an orgasm can be as unique as each individual. And if you are fortunate enough to be among the small group of women who have multiple orgasms, God bless you! But I will tell you that one fantastic, explosive orgasm is just as good.

Now that we have some of the basics out of the way, let's get to the reason we're all here – the perfect orgasm. Before I get to the steps that lead us to attaining that desired state of bliss, I should say that sometimes there are very real medical reasons women are unable to have an orgasm. If that is the case for you, please know that you are not alone and that there is no shame in getting help for your condition. The reasons that women don't experience orgasms can be varied. A trip to your gynecologist to discuss this very important issue is a wonderful place to start and rule out any medical concerns.

Once you have of clean bill of health physically, emotionally, and mentally achieving the perfect orgasm is just a few steps away. Here are some tips to get you there:

• My first tip is for the partner trying to lead her woman to ecstasy. The most important thing I could say to you is that bringing your woman to orgasm is not a paint-by-numbers task. In other words, what may have worked for one woman is certainly not the rule for every other one. If you are using a sex playbook, put it down and simply listen and pay attention to the woman in front of you. Even if you consider yourself a master at pleasure I assure you that there are very few rules that apply to every woman.  Give your ego a rest and acquiesce to the power of pleasure. Don't be offended by direction. Instead, thank your lucky stars that your woman is in touch with herself and that you don't have to waste too much time on trial and error.  

• Know your own body. Take the time to explore your body and discover your erogenous zones. The truth is that every woman is responsible for her own orgasm. That is right, I said it! You are responsible for knowing and communicating what gets you to climax. And if you don't know, it is time to learn. Pick up a hand-held mirror and take a look at your vagina. Okay, some of you may be giggling now. But if you want someone else to look at...well, you should want to as well. Take your fingers and explore what feels good. Then don't stop there. Explore your whole body with your fingertips. Start out at your toes and make your way all the way up. Pay attention to the areas that are particularly sensitive and make you tingle. When you get to those areas that make your stomach contract from sensitivity, voilà; You have found an erogenous zone.

• Communication is the key. If you are sitting around waiting for your lover to read your mind and know exactly what you want then it is time for you to wake up from the fantasy. The reality is that good sex and the subsequent sweet orgasm is contingent upon your ability to lead your partner to the promise land. You have to communicate whether you like it softer, harder, faster, etc. But if you don't know your self then the task will not be easy for someone else. You may very well luck up on someone who just gets it from the gate. However, those instances will be far and few between and it does it mean that they are unskilled, nor does it mean that there is no sexual chemistry.  Talk, talk, talk and then talk some more because as you grow and change so too does your sexual needs.  The pay off of a verbally expressive mate and an attentive partner is utter euphoria!

• The best time to communicate your sexual preferences is before sex. If you wait until the moment of passion it is challenging to give corrective direction. Some women might be easy to direct and others might take a blow to their ego. So instead of getting caught up in that complex dialogue, some women will resort to faking it. And that is a huge no-no. If you find yourself too embarrassed to have the sex talk with a lover then you are probably not ready to actually have sex. The talk should be the easy part and it saves everyone from trying to fumble through the experience.

• Take good care of yourself. This may sound really basic, but it is the basic things that we take for granted. The truth is that when you feel better about your self and your body you will be more sexually expressive. Depression, anxiety, lack of sleep and a poor diet all impact your sexual energy. When you are able to feel good in your own skin your libido will shoot through the roof.  Prepare for a good sex life an Olympic athlete and you'll be ready for the those marathon nights of ecstasy. 

• Make Kegel exercises a regular practice. Developed by Dr. Arnold Kegel, Kegel exercises are designed to help you strengthen the muscle of your pelvic floor. There are several things that can weaken this muscle, such as weight gain, having multiple children and surgery. But when this muscle is strong it has many benefits, such as reducing urinary leaking, and of course my favorite, heightening sexual pleasure. I will tell you that my personal experience with doing Kegel exercises is that it can be pleasurable for both you and your partner. The sensation of contracting during sex can be stimulating for your partner and it can intensify your orgasms. I do them during and after my orgasms to create a deep, intense and explosive sensation for myself. Try it... You just might like it and, trust me, you will thank me.

How to do Kegel exercises:   Quoted from   http://brown.edu/Student_Services/Health_Services/Health_Education/sexual_health/sexuality/female_orgasm.php#1 

When you're peeing, clench your muscles to stop the flow of urine for about four seconds. Then release those same muscles to let the urine flow again. These are your pelvic floor muscles; these are the muscles you'll be exercising when you do Kegels. If you want to check and make sure that you're using the right muscles, put a finger or two into your vagina. Tighten the muscles. If you can feel your fingers being squeezed (even just a little), then you've located the right muscles.

1. Contract the pelvic muscles hard for one second and then release them, ten times in a row. Repeat this process five to ten times a day.
2. You can vary the exercise by holding the contraction for a count of three and then releasing it, doing fast short holds, or a mix of long and short holds.
3. Kegel during commercials, every time the phone rings, in line at the Ratty—find your own regular pattern.
4. Kegel during sex for added pleasure for you and your partner.
5. As with any exercise, results won’t be immediate, but over time (probably about 6-8 weeks) you will notice a difference.

• A great orgasm requires a good balance of relaxation and tension. Okay, this may seem strange but people will tell you to just relax to have an orgasm. However the truth is that relaxation is good to get you in the mood, but when it is time to orgasm it requires a little tension. I do not mean tightening up your whole body, but the muscles that are involved in sexual stimulation need a minimal amount of tension for a good orgasm. This tension is of your hips, buttocks, and pelvic area. This mild tension actually increases blood flow and helps you get to the big O!

It is truly my hope that this article inspires you to learn more about your body and your perfect orgasm. And if it is not new information for you, my hope is that it confirms what you already knew. There is absolutely no reason for women to continue faking orgasms, having few, or none at all. There is a perfect orgasm waiting for each and every one of us. And oh how much fun it is to discover it. I wish you delicious joy on your journey to love and sexual bliss!

Nya Akoma,

Imani Evans, MA
www.createloveforwomen.com
www.surviving2thriving.org
http://selfcarefordynamicwomen.com
imani@surviving2thriving.org
Office: 404.368.8827

MORE ARTICLES: 11 Dating Dysfunctions,  Forgiving the Unforgivable; I SEE YOU-Learning to be Vulnerable for LOVE; ARE YOU READY FOR LOVE- Facing The Fear of Intimacy

We are looking forward to seeing you at the 2nd annual CREATE LOVE CONFERENCE FOR WOMEN - MARCH 8, 2014

Click here for more info