Is there HOPE in
your relationship? I can imagine that my question may seem too easy to answer.
In fact, it may even seem too simplistic to solicit a response. But it is a very necessary question
especially as we consider our friendships, relationships, and partnerships. In
the Christian faith, there is a scripture that says that “hope deferred makes
the heart sick”. And not only can deferred
hope make your heart sick, but the lack of hope or deferred hope in your relationship can make your
relationship sick. Deferred hope, littler hope or no hope often gets in the way
of CREATing Love that is supporting, sustaining and satisfying. So how can you ensure that your relationship
is infused with H.O.P.E?
H: The first way to ensure that your relationship is filled
with H.O.P.E. is to give HONOR and act
honorably. Giving honor and acting honorably means
treating yourself and others with consideration, holding yourself and others in
high regard, and treating yourself and others with dignity. It means
functioning and navigating in your relationship and in the world with integrity
and authenticity. Being honorable demands that you are honest with yourself and
with others. In many ways, treating someone with honor says I love you, I value
you, I recognize you and I appreciate you.
Bestowing and/or showing honor is a sign of great admiration and respect.
Even though
conferring honor and acting honorably are vital to our relationships, at times
we all struggle to show and give it, especially to ourselves. We sometimes
allow people to treat us in ways that don’t support, serve or satisfy us. We
sometimes give untrustworthy, unpredictable and unworthy people access to us
and to our spirits. We sometimes stay in relationships and in situations that
are degrading, demeaning, draining and depressing. We sometimes evade, avoid
and/or carefully obfuscate the truth. If we are honest with ourselves, we all
can admit that we all don’t always treat ourselves and others with honor. Nor
do we always act honorably or demand that we are treated with honor. At times
we all fall short.
The good news is
that we can choose to be different. How do you do that? First, by making sure
you honor yourself by truly loving yourself.
Treat yourself like you are important and valuable. Do what you need to do to stay physically,
emotionally, spiritually and financially healthy. That may mean journaling,
going to the movies, getting a massage, working out or seeing a therapist.
Whatever it is, be sure that you are making you and your needs paramount. Why?
Because when you are loving yourself and treating yourself with honor, you are
less likely to accept or tolerate anything less for someone else. You must
honor you!
Secondly, honor yourself by getting to know
yourself. Spend time alone and reflect on your life. I know that
self-reflection is a simple concept, but in my experience, it is an under-utilized
practice. Self-reflection not only benefits you, but it benefits your
relationship. Just think about it - the better you know yourself, the easier it
is to be in relationship with somebody else. So spend time with yourself and
asks yourself questions like: Who am I? What do I like? What do I need? Am I
happy? Am I healthy? Am I behaving in a way that supports me? Easy questions
right? Once you are clear about who you
are and what you desire, it will be easier for you and others to honor you.
And after you
are clear about what you need, be sure to check in with your partner to better
understand what honor means to her.
Showing honor and acting honorably means different things to different
people so be sure to communicate with her to get clarity. The more you
understand and appreciate her definition of honor, the easier it will be for
you to give it on her.
O: The second way
to infuse H.O.P.E. into your
relationship is to practice Optimism.
Believe it or not, being optimistic is important to the health of your
relationship. Optimism helps you and partner positively deal
with challenges, changes, adversity and problems. Optimism gives you strength
to cope with all life’s troubles; it helps you remain positive even in the face
of dejection, difficulty and defeat. Optimism also injects vibrancy, enthusiasm
and joy into your relationship. Simply put, optimism gives you happiness, a
true happiness in your life.
Optimism is a
critical component of a healthy relationship. In fact, your relationship can
not survive without it. Just loving and living with another person requires a
degree of optimism. Just the acts of
caring and sharing require a certain degree of confidence. Just trusting your
partner to love and cherish you requires a modicum of positivity. Optimism is
important! And without it, loving, compromising and negotiating are
difficult. So ask yourself: Do I expect
the best or the worst? Do I always see the bad in my partner and in my
relationship or do I also see good? If you desire to have a relationship
infused with H.O.P.E., you must be optimistic.
P: The third way to infuse hope into your relationship is to
recognize Potential. Most people are
comfortable discussing potential when it comes to their jobs, careers,
investments and other opportunities. However, most people are usually
uncomfortable and or reluctant to discuss potential when it comes to
relationships. But, potential is important. And assessing the potential to grow
and the willingness to grow with a prospective partner is critical. Why? Because people are constantly changing and
growing. As a result, the relationship must grow to accommodate and adjust to
the changes. Remember….A healthy relationship must always be flexible,
adaptable and malleable enough to allow for changes, modifications, new
learnings and growth. If there is no room for evolution, transformation,
advancement or newness, there is little potential for a lifelong partnership.
Potential is a necessity and without it your relationship will become limiting,
stagnant and suffocating.
Many couples have
difficulty with the concepts of growth and self-discovery. Some partners even complain that their
partner is not the same person they dated or married. In some ways, that may be
true. But it is also true that when people feel emotionally safe in relationships,
they are more willing to explore new sides of themselves. In the safety of a
committed relationship, they may discover aspects of themselves that they never
knew existed. Believe me, it happens. Remember, love is liberating and your
partner may and will need space to grow. If you are in a relationship that does
not offer or allow space for growth or self-expression, an honest discussion is
long over-due. Talk with your partner and together evaluate if there is
potential for you, her and the relationship to flourish. Determine if there is room for
self-development, self-discovery and self-actualization. You owe it yourself
because H.O.P.E. can not exist without potential.
The last way to infuse hope into your
relationship is to Enjoy your
partner - to really celebrate her and not just tolerate her. Just think about
when you first started dating. You really enjoyed each other. You laughed at
her jokes, you enjoyed attending events together, and you relished your time together.
You thought she was adorable and fun.
But under the strain of life, something happened and you stop spending
time together. Maybe you even stopped liking each other. You even started
living separate lives. If that is currently happening in your relationship,
don’t be alarmed. It does not mean that your relationship is doomed. It may
mean however, that your relationship is not being nurtured. Or, it may mean
that you and your partner have unresolved issues that are affecting your
connection. Or, it may mean that you and your partner need time to re-connect
and get re-acquainted. Enjoying your partner should bring joy. And joy and
happiness both promote hope. So the question is – are you enjoying your
partner? If yes, keep doing what you are doing. If no, identify why and make
changes so that you can enjoy the love of your life.
H.O.P.E – Honor,
Optimism, Potential and Enjoyment – are important building blocks for a healthy
relationship. H.O.P.E. gives you staying power and it gives your relationship
holding power. Some say that H.O.P.E. is the emotional glue that helps couples stick
together in good times and bad times. If you don’t have H.O.P.E. in yourself or
in relationship, H.O.P.E. enough to get help. They are many resources available
to help you. And remember that “hope is not a dream but a way of making dreams
become reality.” So if
CREATing Love is your dream, I recommend infusing a little H.O.P.E.
I look forward
to continuing this discussion at the CREATE LOVE conference. Imani Evans and I
hope to see you there.
Blessings!
Create Love, Co-Founder
Author/Speaker/Minister
(Book: I Can Depend On Me)
Wonderful!
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