Lenore & Sandra
Rivers
Atlanta, Ga.
Sandra:
We met online. I initially reached out to Lenore to say that, although she was
not my type, I liked her profile, style of writing, and that I wished her luck
in her search. We became pen-pals of sorts as I was dating at the time.
You
have been together for over six years. First, congratulations. What advice
would you give to other couples and why? Lenore: I would not recommend
any one to move as quickly as we did. We moved in together after sixty days of
dating. Please date each other for at least two years, discuss everything under
the sun to better acquaint yourselves, and have fun….travel, spend time
together, with friends and family….just get to know each other before you move
in together.
Sandra: I would advise they proceed slowly,
cultivating a friendship while asking lots of questions. And know that you’re
under no obligation to continue if you’re feeling leery or uncomfortable.
What
made you know that it was time to get married and how has being married changed
your relationship? Sandra: Well, Lenore brought
up living together after only a couple of months. I honestly believed it was
because she was unhappy with her living environment at that time. I knew that
it was way too soon having not known her for very long. She sensed my mistrust
of the idea, and in her haste AND chivalry proposed marriage in an attempt to
make me more comfortable…..that idea that this was not a fly-by-night
relationship. It was a romantic gesture as were others on her part and I
relented. For I am nothing if not a total romantic.
Lenore:
Sandra stated she wanted the relationship to be meaningful and legal and that
sounded reasonable to me. I wanted to marry Sandra because I loved her, so I
proposed and she said yes. Marriage is a legally binding commitment and I take
it very seriously and it’s my first marriage. I vowed not to separate from her.
I am a runner by nature, so now I have to slow my impulse to flee whenever I
feel frustrated or afraid; I have to work through the challenges. I like the
idea of marriage, the commitment to love my wife for better or worse and the
emotional maturity challenges I experience daily. I am very responsible,
focused, steadfast, faithful, and deeply concerned about someone else now that
I married Sandra.
Getting
together is easy. Staying together is difficult. You have weathered many
transitions and storms? How did you
manage and what was the hardest part? Lenore:
I manage my emotions by talking to others, writing/ journaling, attending self-
help support groups, seeing a therapist, going to church fellowship, creating
visual artworks, staying focused on career goals, and creating a balance in my
relationship. It has been very difficult experiencing grief and loss. Sandra
lost her mother recently. When I met her she was recently divorced from her
former wife, and she had relocated to NJ from her hometown NY. I had to learn
to manage my emotions over a period of time, to establish a support network for
myself, and to set concrete boundaries with Sandra. It appears that Sandra
transfers her sadness, frustrations and anger as it relates to grief and loss,
unto the person closes to her (me). Our decision to retire to Georgia has been
daunting because the southern culture is very different from NY. Also my family resides in Georgia and has
been very supportive of us. Sandra appears to feel displaced and lonely, after
having lost her mother and her daughter lives four hours away. I believe our
recent church membership will give us additional support and spiritual strength
to continue to weather this storm. We love one another very much and that is
the glue that sustains us.
Sandra:
The hardest part was dealing with the fact that there was someone else in Lenore’s
life almost immediately after our big union. Though I asked her on several
occasions {she denied it of course} and I told her several times that she was
free to be with this person if she desired, she continued to deny that there
was someone else. She denied it until the woman found me on FB and wrote a
devastatingly scathing message to me about “their” relationship and how I’d
better leave Lenore alone. Lmbo! I tell you I can laugh now but at the time it
was heart-wrenching. Particularly when my previous marriage had ended from
infidelity. It took a lot to get through this period - God, good friends,
counseling, love and a fighting spirit on both our parts.
How
do you deal with and face challenges (family acceptance, money differences,
etc.) that might come up in your relationship? Sandra: I deal with
everything by being honest; first and foremost with myself. I have an open kind
heart but I also live by the courage of my convictions. My credo is “just do
it” you know, like Nike. Though I will say that family situations are very
difficult on many levels. Some are outright homophobic and some still pretend
that Lee and I are two single roommates. I tend to stay away from situations
where I cannot honestly be myself and I don’t deny that it hurts on occasion
Lenore:
We talk, yell and scream about it; and tackle each challenge together because
we are both type A personalities and stubborn as bulls. Sandra does not let
anything kick her to the floor because she is a warrior by nature. She will
fight to the end to get what she wants. I am very driven, hardworking,
extremely ambitious, loyal, and trustworthy sometimes to a fault. I am also
very easy going, popular, very close to my family, loving and kind hearted.
Sandra does not believe I demonstrate the above mentioned characteristics with
her often enough and she makes no bones letting me know this. I struggle with
being openly affectionate and touchy feely with Sandra since we relocated to
the South. Sandra has and will continue to fight for her relationship with me
and I am extremely focused on doing better when it comes to intimacy with my
wife. Our strong love for each other and my unwillingness to give in to failure
when it comes to intimacy continues to keep us together. We are both out to our
families and it’s been a challenge for Sandra, because of folk’s religious
beliefs. My family totally accepts me, because I came out when I was very
young, and over the years they finally came to accept my sexuality. I am
Sandra’s rock with regards to coming out issues.
I
know faith is important to both of you. How do you practice your faith as a
couple and what role does spirituality play in your relationship? Lenore: I love to fellowship,
to study theology, to pray, meditate, and follow spiritual principles on a
daily basis. We pray at the dinner table and I always encourage Sandra to go to
God for refuge and comfort, as it relates to her grief. Sandra is a believer and has a strong
relationship with God, she experiences her spirituality through gospel music
and expressing her feelings openly (crying etc.).
Sandra:
As a couple we practice by prayer and meditation…believing in a higher power,
and attending church together when we can.
I am very spiritual and I know that that higher power has brought us
both through some tremendous struggles. This is where Lee and I have never ever
disagreed and though we are two entirely different personalities, it is in
spirituality that our heart and mind connect
After
6 years, how do you keep the fires burning? What role does sensuality play in
your relationship? Sandra: Well, right now the
fires are more like smoldering embers. I think it has a lot to do with hormonal
changes -- peri-menopause and actual menopause. There are also a side of life’s
stressors thrown in - job changes, moving several times, health issues, and
various family crises. Sex begins on a mental level and with all we have to
deal with on a daily basis, well…But I will say that for me intimacy is just as
important if not more, than sex. Lee and I have that in spades. We have
intimate rituals like dancing in any room of the house at any moment….sometimes
in the morning between our second cups of coffee. Or, when we’re in separate
rooms writing or watching TV and Lee calls, “Honey! When are you coming to bed
so we can watch a movie” lol! Yes. A movie…. not sex. But we are together
sharing a movie experience, with a lot of handholding, fondling and tender
kisses. Though she and I used to swing from the chandeliers, (can I say that) I
love that we have intimacy on a regular basis.
But now that we have settled in GA and our minds have quieted a bit I
think the glowing embers will ignite again.
Lenore:
It’s been very difficult to say the least. Our fire has been out for over a
year now and we are determined to ignite again! We decided we would date one
another again, spend as much time together and learn through intimate moments
what turns us on and fan the fire again. Sensuality plays a major role in our
relationship. We are both very sexual beings and sex has been dead for way too
long so that is a priority for us in 2015. We do hug, kiss, hold hands, and
dance at home quite often. There have
been so much grief and loss challenges as of late, then the move to the South,
the culture shock, career challenges, and financial challenges; we have been
holding on through the grace of God. We love one another deeply and we want the
relationship to endure.
Every
relationship develops “Relationship Rules” that support your union. What are
your spoken and unspoken rules? And how did those rules form? Lenore: We must be faithful!
I broke our trust by cheating early in the relationship and I promised I would
be faithful for the duration of our marriage. Rules……Develop trust, effective
communications, no violence ever, no cheating, must respect one another, allow
each to have their space, be fully responsible for our financial decisions, and
put each other first. These rules were formed over the years as we developed
our relationship and realized over time that these particular rules needed to
be adhered to.
Our
relationship has been a work in progress, Sandra is an extrovert and I’m an
introvert, Sandra has excellent communication skills and I prefer to quietly go
along to get along. Sandra:
I would say love, loyalty and respect.
Every
relationship challenges us in different ways. What did you have to learn and
un-learn to love her fully? Sandra: I had to learn how to
deal with someone in recovery for the most part and how to keep loving no
matter what. Lee does not like to appear vulnerable which to me part of being
open to being loved is. I am very intuitive and observant so I knew this from
the beginning and accepted her with all of her idiosyncrasies and foibles. I
dare say that it took her quite a bit longer to accept mine.
Lenore:
I am learning not to run, to remain open minded, to resist shutting down, to be
clear with the ladies that I am married and fully committed to my spouse, to
communicate more, to take risk with intimacy, and share my feelings more often.
Sandra is very passionate and speaks her mind, no holds barred. I am cautious,
calculating, and slow to demonstrate vulnerability. Sandra has been very
patient with me and I’ve developed tougher skin with regards to Sandra’s words.
What
has your relationship taught you most about yourself? And her? Lenore: I realize I am a wounded soul who has slowly
picked up the pieces and is becoming a whole person again. I am a very loving,
caring, nurturing, giving, and a selfless individual who just needs to let go
of my fear of being hurt. Sandra is the same way I am, except she is not afraid
of being vulnerable with me and will not give up her fight to win all the love
I have to give. Sandra: I think it’s
taught us both how “to accept” and that there are different ways of loving for
different people
What
one word most captures her essence and your love? Sandra: Mutual admiration.
Oh…sorry that was two words right? Ok then…strength. Lenore: Passionate! Sandra is fiercely passionate, a warrior,
and a fantastic artist. My love is DEEP
What will be your legacy as a couple? Sandra: Hmm…I believe we’re still working on that. Stay tuned. Lenore: Our legacy as a couple will be that we endured the lowest valley of grief and loss; re-committed ourselves in a loving committed relationship, and co-owned a successful not-for-profit community-based business dedicated to Sandra’s mother!
We thank you for sharing your love with us at Create Love! Your story will encourage, inspire and uplift other couples. We wish you continued success and happiness.www.createloveforwomen.com
Create Love Founders
Imani Evans and SharRon Jamison
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