Denise L. Hill and Dawnn M. Brumfield
How did you get together/meet? Dawnn: I served as an intern at her
church; that was the initial contact---although it was very distant because she
was away in school. A few years later we
both attended a mission trip in Ghana, West Africa. We started a friendship, it developed to love
and we never looked back.
What was the initial attraction? Dawnn: Denise definitely made me
laugh. I can be pretty serious and so it always makes me smile to think of
something that she has done or said to bring a smile to my face. I also was very attracted to how she took
care of me when I was sick in Africa.
Her compassion for the people was very endearing. She was brought to tears a few times while
walking or riding through the villages.
I thought that was very sexy J . Denise: My
initial attraction to Dawnn was her love for people and her deep need to
connect deeper than just the surface. Her compassion towards others and
selflessness drew me even closer.
Who made the first move? Dawnn: While
in Africa, she took a risk and jumped over the bed and kissed me. I was tentative
at first. It was like the Katy Perry song “I Kissed a Girl and I Liked it”. It
was a scary thing to step out on faith but 5 years later we are still here.
Denise, what made you take a risk? Denise:
After spending two weeks together in Africa, I got to know her. Prior
to Africa, I spent years wrestling with God about my sexuality. In a time of
discernment, God showed me this woman and I day dreamed about her. For 2 days Dawnn
stepped away from the group and I realized that I missed her deeply.
Dawnn: In the moment (of the kiss), I felt a
spark. I felt absolutely safe and I still feel safe with Denise. She is very
protective of me because I lead with my heart. I depend on her to protect that
part of me.
What would you say is the key to the success of your relationship? Denise:
Love, Communication, Honesty, Time and Patience. Dawnn: Although it took time to get
to this point I think the key to the success of the relationship is our ability
to talk through the difficult stuff. In
the beginning I think we made a lot of assumptions about each other, how we think,
feel or would respond. Two years into
the relationship we hit a critical point when we were at a crossroads about the
relationship and we had to decide to talk ‘for real, for real.’ Even though it was hard conversation, it was
necessary conversation. Once we got
through the initial talk it has been easier to keep talking.
Why were you at a crossroads? Dawnn: We
were at a crossroads because there were many elements
and dynamics of change in
our lives. Previously we both worked and lived in a group home (management positions) and we had never
lived together; combining life, money, habits was difficult. Denise: I
felt a shift in the relationship. I knew
it was important to make a change. An opportunity to move to Atlanta and build
our lives together came and we took it.
But, we had never lived together before.
It was hard. Dawnn: It was a rough year. When we moved Denise
had a job; she was laid off soon after we arrived. I was a chaplain intern---with very little
pay. Within that year, we got very distracted. There was a lot of conflict
because we both were growing, changing.
We didn’t know how to express our needs and emotions. That’s when we hit
the crossroads. We asked ourselves – do we have what it takes or do we end it
and part ways. Denise:
During that year, my mom was also diagnosed with leukemia. Also, different
aspects of our relationship were shifting – emotionally, spiritually, physically
and financially. After my mom’s transition, Dawnn and I packed up the house and
moved back to Chicago. I was concerned because Chicago has always been a rocky
place for me; I am never comfortable there. But I put my trust in God’s hands
and I trusted my partner. It’s been a
year since we’ve returned. It’s been a
process but we trust each other.
Discuss how you deal with and face challenges that might come up in
your relationship? Dawnn: We’ve
had some challenges that involve us (what couple doesn’t) and some that involve
other people but certainly affect our relationship. It was established early in the relationship
that we would ‘ride the waves together’.
That meant that no matter what we would rely on God and the love we have
for each other to get through the tough stuff.
Sure, we’ve run into some ‘hurricanes,’ ‘tidal waves,’ and even a
‘tsunami’ and ‘typhoon’ but we’re still here.
At times we’re treading water but we never let go of the others hand. Denise: For
me, I am best known to introvert my feelings, take time to sort them out and
come back to conversation with my partner and have effective transformative
conversation which helps us both gain understanding of our perspectives,
differences, etc.
How soon in the relationship did you have the “ride the waves
together” conversation? Denise:
We
came to that decision after about 2 months in our relationship. At the time I
was Florence, Italy, and Dawnn was in Nashville studying at Vanderbilt. Communication
was difficult because of the time differences. We were going through a rough
spot. But we decided that whatever happens, we will make it. Dawnn:
Denise was my first relationship with a woman. I was very afraid because of my
role in the ministry. But Denise committed to walk with me through it and I
felt comforted by her saying that.
Dawnn, you say that you and Denise made a covenant each other. Why do
you use the word covenant? Agreements and promises are broken all
of the time. Covenant is what God had with the people of Israel. I am a very
intentional and loyal person and a covenant is a weighty word. For me, it’s deeper
than an agreement and a promise, and agreements and promises are often broken
without much thought.
What role does spirituality play in your relationship? Denise: Spirituality plays a big
role in our relationship. Much of who I am is a discerner/prophetess, I can
sense and feel how energy around me can shift, I can sense how my spirit can
positively/negatively affect my relationship if I’m not centered with my spirit.
Dawnn: Spirituality is a very important part
of our relationship. It was also a very
intricate part of the early foundation and continued strength of the
relationship. I am ordained clergy and
serve in full-time ministry. At first I
was very concerned about how my love for God, commitment to the people and
service in the church might conflict with this very deep love I share with
Denise. It was very rough in the
beginning because I really believed that God ordained and, in fact, purposed us
together. However, I was also very aware
of ‘the church folk’ and how people interpret scripture AND judge people who identify
as same-gender loving so I was very afraid. Denise and I were both raised in
the church and have very deep, reflective personal relationship with God. We pray for each other. We pray with each other. Some of our most intimate moments have been in
worship---at church or even at home or in the car. As a pastor I trust Denise to cover me as I
cover others. I trust her to tell me
what she sees. She is a discerner; I
trust that gift in her.
What role does sensuality play in your relationship? Denise: It
is important to me to know both mine and my partner’s places of sensuality. For
me it was hard to release control, but taking time to explore my own intimate
areas with my partner helps me to build our sense of sensuality together.
Dawnn: Sensual mutuality is very
important. It is very difficult to have
a healthy relationship if both partners are not being satisfied. Although we’ve been together for 5 years we
had to learn to ‘dance’ with one
another in a way that required extreme
vulnerability. I had a lot of body
issues and they were (are) difficult to overcome. In many ways, my insecurities and fears
really affected our relationship. We had
(have) to talk---yes, even in the moment---so that the other would know what to
do---and, in some cases, what NOT to do.
This extends beyond the bedroom.
People often use sensuality and sex interchangeably. The two are very different. Sensuality speaks to gratification of our
senses, too. We also like to be
spontaneous: impromptu dates or mini-vacation, cook together, text messages,
buy cards or leave notes. Each of these
adds to the growth of the relationship and a deeper, more intense sensual
connection.
What has your relationship taught you most about yourself? Dawnn: My relationship with Denise has taught me a
lot about my inner strength; it has given me insight about my capacity to love,
my insecurities and how they affect my relationships (and not just with Denise)
and it has deepened my level of faith.
In the beginning I wasn’t so sure that I had the strength to endure the
ridicule, disdain or disregard for me and who I love. She told me then that I was stronger than I
thought. That has proven to be true. I also experienced a love that grows every
day. Even in the midst of our
challenges---from the outside and within---I love more deeply than I thought I
could. Listening (I mean really
listening) to Denise talk about what she sees in me and how sometimes it
conflicts with how I present was helpful as I continue to grow. We spend so much time wearing masks and
hiding our vulnerabilities, idiosyncrasies and flaws that when someone holds a
mirror to our face and challenges us to look inside it is startling…and, at
times, very scary but liberating. This
relationship taught me to do that. My
relationship with God has grown as a direct result of this relationship. When I was up crying, worrying about how (or
if) my relationship with God was changed because of my love for Denise,
talking, praying to God was the ONLY thing that got me through. I journal and on those pages (to God) I
yielded my complete heart. I asked God
to confirm that I was still loved and God did just that. My relationship with my family
deepened---even in the parts they don’t understand. My open-ness about the relationship has been
used as education for my family and some of my friends and colleagues. That was God’s gift to me. There is nothing held back in my relationship
with God. The deepened faith and communication taught me that God can handle my
early confusion, anger, sadness and complete AWE for this love I am
experiencing. Denise: That love is deeper than just the words from
my lips, it takes time, trust, commitment, attentiveness, patience, do-over’s,
make- ups, break- ups and more but being receptive to Love has been the
most rewarding thing in this
relationship for me.
What do you most admire about
her and why? Dawnn: I
most admire Denise’s desire to live life and experience every part of it. I was
never a risk taker and have always lived my life in a safe space. She
encourages me to be more spontaneous and she inspires me to try things that I
have never done before. I am grateful that she has poured that quality in me. Denise:
I admire her ability to love unconditionally. I believe and know that my parents
loved me but she has taught me how to love and how to be loved. She has made it
clear what love is and how to reciprocate. That is her spiritual gift and that
is what draws me to her and draws me closer to God.
If you could thank her for 1 thing, what would that be? Dawnn: I will tell Denise thank you
for loving
me. She loves me without expectations. She loves me for me – not the
daughter, pastor, big sister, just Dawnn. She loved me until I could totally
love myself. I am thankful for that. Denise: I thank her for her time. In this day and
age, people don’t give time. Time is an investment that shows me her
commitment.
What one word characterizes/describes your relationship: Dawnn: Transformation.
I met her when she was 22; I was 30. Who
she was then---and now and who I was then---and now -has been a complete
transformation. Our relationship has also been a transformation. Denise: Journey.
I viewed relationships as a destination vs. something you go through. I no
longer have that perspective.
What advice would you give to other couples? Denise: To share openly and honestly, so that you
and your partner’s needs are communicated effectively. Dawnn: I would definitely say talk
often, be honest, extend grace and learn to listen. It is also important to establish whether you
even ‘like’ the person. It’s very easy
to get caught up ‘in-love’ or ‘in lust’ and neglect to build a friendship with
each other. It is important to know that
even when the deal goes down (i.e., income changes, illness, death, etc.) that
you’ve established a friendship that will stand strong. I actually like Denise…a lot. It helps me love her more and more every day.
(Interviewed conducted by SharRon Jamison)
We thank you for sharing your love with us at Create Love! Your story will encourage, inspire and uplift other couples. We wish you continued success and happiness. www.createloveforwomen.com
Create Love for Women Who Love Women - Founders
Imani Evans & SharRon Jamison
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