Saturday, November 17, 2012

Single and Seeking...This One is for YOU!

Single and seeking love--35 and over!

The last thing a single lesbian wants to hear is her BFF (who is in a relationship) telling her how love comes when you stop looking---Blah, blah, blah, right? Well, I am going to apologize right up front because it is going to be a part of my suggestions, but only a small part.  I promise there will be so much more. 
I don’t know about you, but the older I get the more exhausting it is to be looking for the right one.  Even hanging out with Ms. Right Now loses its excitement at some point.  Maybe it is a sign of maturity or maybe it is a consequence of the low tolerance that comes with aging.  Mostly it is an effect of my changing morals, values and interests. What was fun to me at 34 is certainly not my idea of fun at 44.  For example, 10 years ago I would not leave the house for a party before midnight…Now, by 11:30 pm I find myself staring at my watch wondering what time I can duck out without looking like a complete nerd, before I fall asleep in my chair.  Furthermore, where are the single mature women anyway?  Older lesbians are serious nesters.  They seem to come out to snatch up a boo then go off to build a nest, never to be seen again until the wedding—or the break-up.  Since September 2011, I am now among the nesters and happy to be out of the dating game.  But I haven’t forgotten about my single ladies and gentlewomen, who are still looking for love.  This article is for you; much thanks to inspiration from CREATE LOVE member, Joni Craven.

There is nothing wrong with being single and wanting to stay that way.  Conversely, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship.  As well, there is nothing neither sad nor desperate about desiring to be with someone.  You would not fault yin for seeking yang, right? No, it is just the natural order of things to want to share your life, ups and downs, with a special person.  Now, what would be a shame is to not take the opportunity of singlehood to enjoy your life and simultaneously prepare for the one.  So here are some tips to jumpstart the single and seeking journey:
  1. While you are waiting, do the WORK:  Being single is a great time to take a selfish approach to doing your personal work. It is imperative to do whatever work is relevant for your life; it may be the work of forgiveness, healing, or restoration.  Who do you need to forgive? Maybe it is the one who is long gone but still taking up space in your head and heart.  What did you learn from your previous relationships?  There is always a lesson and/or blessing in every encounter, if you look for it.  That is just the brilliant way the Divine Intelligence operates.  What are your relationship patterns and how can you make adjustments to break the pattern and find happiness? As easy as it might be to villainize your last girlfriend, it is an useless act of disempowerment.  It takes the focus off of your accountability in the success or demise of your relationship.  This is not to negate the obvious bad behavior your ex may have demonstrated.  I am not talking about responsibility, but rather accountability.  Certainly people behave in some really dysfunctional ways out of pain, ignorance, depression, anger and whatever else plagues the heart.  However, there is authentic power in discovering your role in all of it.  Did you attract that person out of desperation, loneliness, lack, or brokenness? You can be honest here as this is not a test…It is your life and no one is responsible for your truth and your happiness—except you!  So, do you a favor, take the time to explore, question and challenge yourself to a deeper intrapersonal understanding.  Then get out your journal and write about it.  Keeping track of your lessons helps to avoid repeating them—and who wants to keep repeating that, right?  I guarantee this time of reflection will pay off when new girlfriend arrives.
  2. Start dating someone fabulous—YOU! That’s right—it is time to eke out the dating template for the way you want to be treated.  In order to have a good sense of it, you have to be the first to do it.  Singlehood is not the time for a couch potato pity party…No way! It is the time to fall in love with you.  Plan, prepare and execute the perfect date for yourself.  It must be something you do with thought and intention.  What have you always wanted to do? What you liked 10 years ago may have changed.  Do something outside your box, with no holds barred.  On the other hand if your idea of a perfect date is a quiet night at home, with a home-cooked meal, candlelight and music then do it! Enjoy it. Then when a potential suitor emerges you will know exactly how you are supposed to be treated—and so will she.
  3. Create a clear vision for her and then make room for her with your words.  This is one on which I would love to write a full chapter in a book, but for this purpose I will condense my sentiments to this paragraph. You can only manifest what you can see. You must take this time to create a clear vision of who SHE is for you.  Who is your ideal mate? This is absolutely not a question of aesthetics, but rather feelings.  We manifest most accurately out of what we feel.  Rather than creating a list of “she must have”, instead close your eyes and feel her.  How does she make you feel when she walks in the room? What does it feel like to love her and be loved by her? Allow yourself to linger there frequently.  Then when you encounter her you will recognize her at the soul level. 
  4. Be sure to use the language that affirms her presence:  Stop proclaiming to everyone in a 5-mile radius that you “don’t need anybody”, IF you really do want to be with someone.  Deep down you don’t even believe that--and neither do we.  I mean most people want to feel like they are needed. Make sure your language is inviting love.  Let me be clear, I do not mean need in the “I can’t breathe without you” sense.  I mean it in the true romantic sense of balance and augmenting an already joyous life.  I mean it in the way that up needs down, yin needs yang, light needs dark, and so on.  After all, it is the supportive contrast inherent in a loving relationship that allows our essence to glow even brighter.  In other words, what makes the rise of the sun so glorious is its proceeding darkness. It is a beautiful balance and it is a healthy place to be.
  5. Stop looking!: Okay, here it is. This is the part that I promised would be brief, but it is essential nonetheless.  However, I may mean it differently than you have heard before.  Stop looking is about shifting the energy from looking to expectancy.  Yes, just like pregnancy.  When a woman is pregnant she is not conflicted over whether or not the baby is coming out.  Oh, it is coming—ready or not! And her role of expectancy leads her to prepare for the inevitable.  That is the same confidence and energy you must have about your new love.  Know she is coming because you are ready to receive her--BE EXPECTANT OF LOVE.
 I didn't spend any time talking about where to find love. Mostly because the point isn't where but what effort you are putting into the energy that will draw the right person.  If you are doing that then you can find Mrs. Right anywhere your heart goes.  However, I will say this...When I want a high quality dress from Nordstroms, I don't go shopping at Goodwill--I'm just saying--LOL

In the end, I hope and claim that your singlehood is filled with self-care, friendships, quality experiences and joy.  She is on the way.  What we focus on magnifies, so in the meantime celebrate the love of others by coming here and reading the great articles of couples making it work. 

I honor you for taking the steps toward this LOVE REVOLUTION…Nya Akoma!

Namaste,

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