Friday, September 6, 2013

ASK LOVE: Relationship Q & A

QUESTION:I keep on loving people who end up hurting me so bad by not appreciating my presence in their lives.  I’m now 8 months single. I wonder when I will ever meet someone who will appreciate me. I’m a committed person. I just give up easily, but I get tired of trying.Nadine - from the City of Tshwane (South Africa)

Dear Nadine,

We know that hurt people hurt people. So as long as the human experience includes pain, we will encounter people who have not yet healed. Too often they project that pain on others, sometimes knowingly and sometimes unconsciously. This by no means justifies the behavior, but rather explains that it is part of connecting to other human beings. That is exactly why we were blessed with the gift of discernment for deciding who is meant to share space in our lives.  We are empowered by this ability.

See, we teach people how to treat us by continuing to accept undesirable behavior. This is often a deep self worth issue. You have to know that you are worthy of something better not because you earned it, but because it is your Divine right! Never allow someone to treat you below the standard of treatment you have for your self. If you are not treating yourself well then that is a great place to start, beloved.

Take this time, while you are single, to date yourself. Spend some time treating your self the way you want to be treated. That way when someone else shows up you will recognize quality treatment right away. Conversely, you will recognize poor behavior more quickly, as well. Then don't stick around for it.  Nadine, you will indeed find someone to love you the way you desire. But, paraphrasing Alice Walker, you must start with knowing that "YOU are the one you've been waiting for".
Imani Evans

Here are some Create Love articles that may be helpful:
If You Want Me, Earn Me by SharRon Jamison
Finding Balance...Loving Her & Keeping You by Imani Evans

QUESTION:My girlfriend and I have a 6 year age difference (she's 27 and I'm 21). There has been A LOT of growing, changing & maturing on both parts over the last year (we've known each other for 2). She's already in her career and wanting a family. I'm not ready for a family and even though she says she can wait, how do we keep the patience while I'm just in the beginning of my career? Candace - from Washington, D. C.
Dear Candace,

You are in a great place of self exploration. That is what the 20's are designed for in our lives. Some of us get to it sooner, but one isn't better than the other. Taking your time to build a career and a family is something that I wish more people would do.

One of the thing that you might consider doing with your partner is creating a long-term vision that you both share. Absent of this kind of shared vision sometimes one partner tries to advance their own agenda into the partnership. Yet that is counterproductive to the success of the union.

You can make "visioning" a fun project by doing a dream board together that includes where you want to be together in 5-10 years. I am including some links to information about dream boards. It is not to be confused with setting goals. That is a worthwhile thing to do too. However dream boards are more about sharing a vision and allowing yourselves to think outside the box.

The other thing that may be helpful is for each of you to begin sharing your individual goals and dreams in a concrete way with one another. That may sound simple but some couples make assumptions that their partners' understand exactly what they are trying to accomplish. This is not always the case. At the end of the day, you have to work toward the same landscape, even if you are taking different paths. So try some of the things listed here and don't give up just yet.
Imani Evans

Links for dream boards: 
How to Make a Dream Board
How to Make An Inspiring Dream Board

QUESTION:My mate and I have been together for two years.  She is an amazing person and my best friend. My mate was a cheater before we met. She cheated twice in one year, the first year. Since then she has been making changes. I worry if I can ever trust her again. I want to believe her but I don't trust her. We have a life together and live together. Should I move on with my life?  Sammie - from Charlotte 
Dear Sammie,

I really appreciate you starting off your question with the most important fact in your query; This being that your partner is an amazing person and your best friend. That is a sweet place to be and one that so many strive to attain. So you are starting off with a great foundation to heal and recover.

I am an eternal optimist when it comes to relationships and the ability to grow beyond the trials and tribulations. This includes restoration after infidelity. The short answer to the meat of your question is, yes, you can recover and learn to trust your mate again. But it must be a mutual desire for change. You must ask yourself the following questions: Do I truly believe that she is willing to change? Is she invested in the change regardless of the relationship? This really speaks to her personal integrity. The final question you must ask your self is, am I able to forgive? Your quest your answers to these questions really dictate whether or not you should move on.

I don't subscribe to the belief that once a person has cheated they are always a cheater. Everyone has an opportunity to evolve. But that evolution must be self motivated. Otherwise it is temporary and fleeting. I will also say that regaining trust starts small. Don't expect to dive back in exactly where you were before. Instead start allowing yourself to trust her in small ways. And when those small ways prove fruitful, you can slowly embrace trust again. Forcing or rushing trust can breed resentment.  So be patient with yourself and your mate.

It is possible that you may build something even better than what you had before the indiscretion. In the meantime, we at Create Love stand in agreement with you for the success of your relationship!
Imani Evans
Here are some Create Love articles that may be helpful:
Surviving Infidelity by Imani Evans
The Rules of Reconciliation by SharRon Jamison

Thank you all for sharing your heart and soul and trusting Create Love to be a part of the healing.  We honor you and wish you continued success in desire to Create Love!

If YOU have a question you would like us to answer, we are here for you.  Simply complete the brief questionnaire and let us know what is on your heart. Nya Akoma!

Create Love Founders
Imani Evans & SharRon Jamison

1 comment:

  1. I truly appreciate the help you Women produce for all in need of it. Its so hard trying to convince someone that its not about being right or wrong, but to educate each other in our happiness and pain. Thanks for this site, I will continue to peel through your layouts. I need this help and so does my mate.