Friday, January 11, 2013

The Art of Lesbian Sex

Do you know what the largest sex organ is in the human body? Drum roll…you guessed it! It is the brain. The brain is the gateway to meaningful intimacy and the greatly desired phenomenal orgasm. The Art of Lesbian Sex is an article that pays homage to that beautiful sex organ and the pursuit of a fulfilling sex life.

I’ve never seen anything conjure up an equal dose of excitement and embarrassment like the subject of sex among lesbians. Interestingly enough, if you get a group of lesbians in a room talking about sex you are sure to hear someone say, “Sex is not the most important thing for me.” And I would agree except for one caveat – when sex is the thing that is not working, then indeed it is important! I think that sex is as spiritual, emotional and essential as any other element of a relationship. There are many reasons to make sex a high priority in your fulfilling love life. This is not to say that there aren't some significant, loving and quality relationships wherein sex is not essential. However, this article is written for those who wish and desire to have and maintain a fully satisfying sex life as part of relationship sustainability.

Let’s explore the reasons to embrace sex as a significant part of your relationship:
1. Sex has extraordinary physical benefits that range from pain reduction, to stress management and weight control. Oh the joy! It is true. Sex is one of the best ways to release a hormone called oxytocin. Oxytocin is often referred to as the “love hormone”. The reason for its nickname has to do with its relationship to bonding, empathy and building trust. It sounds like a big bill to fill but oxytocin does it with no problem, which is why it is so essential for new mommies bonding with their babies.

In addition to this wonderful God-given hormone, sex also is a great way to burn calories and workout. And I don’t know about you but I’d rather have sex than go to LA fitness any day. While LA fitness is $36/month, sex is free--Well... :-)

Sex is a physical connection that softens you to your partner. It allows you to feel more compassion and closeness. The time before, and after, sex is equally as important as during. Cuddling and snuggling reduces stress and some studies show that it even reduces fear. So be sure to put as much time and thought into the prep work and the closing.

2. Sex is a spiritual connection. As a Buddhist I will leave the Bible quotes to my well-qualified business partner, Minister SharRon Jamison. However I think it is a common thread among most major religions that sex is sacred, and most enjoyable when shared with someone with whom you give your heart as well as your body. It allows you to be vulnerable and free. I am sure that most of you have heard of Tantric sex. It is the art of combining spiritual awareness with one’s sexuality. It is believed to deepen our consciousness while experiencing the highest form of pleasure. Whether you explore Tantric sex or simply embrace the concept of sex as a sacred act, you can allow yourself to be spiritually present when you make love. I promise it will be the greatest gift you allow God to give you and your partner.

3. Sex is a gateway to deepen your emotional connection. There are times when words simply do not express how much you love your partner. Making love is a way to exchange and express your feelings, hence the term. You can allow your fingers, lips and body to speak for you. The way you hold your partner and the sweet sounds and moans you offer her will tell her volumes. Not just about how you feel in the moment, but how you feel about her overall. Have you ever had someone merely touch your thigh and send you to faraway places of ecstasy? Conversely, have you ever had someone do every trick in the book, but it does absolutely nothing for you? Well if you answered yes to the latter, then you know that sex is the gateway to a deep emotional connection. However it can be as deep or as superficial as you allow.

This is the reason that lesbian death-bed is so dangerous to a relationship. Yes, we all get busy, get our feelings hurt and get focused on doing life. But you have to honor the sexual needs of your relationship too. Not just for your partner but for yourself as well. And sometimes it just takes a little intention to wake up that sleepy clitoris. And with 8000 nerve endings to stimulate, she will be delighted that you did! So don’t allow yourself to push it to the back burner. If you do, you’ll be sure to find yourself in more arguments and increased relationship stress.

4. I would be remiss as a counselor if I didn’t take a few moments to talk about some of the dysfunctions and sexual issues that can show up and cause a problem with a healthy sex life. For example, your partner may be a survivor of sexual abuse or violence. In which case, she may have body memories, or just a difficult time being touched or vulnerable. If any of this is true, for whatever reason it exists the onus is on both people to seek out the support and help needed to find out what works for the two of you. This should be done with understanding, empathy and compassion.

In addition I have heard way too often from studs/bois/butch women that they are often neglected sexually or not respected after being sexually open and vulnerable. It is my hope that we can move beyond this as a community to something more freeing and loving. Not every woman will want the same thing but we should be open to allowing a woman to express the full gamut of her sexuality, whether she is a stud, femme, or any of the myriad of ways lesbians embrace their identity.

5. Remember that sex is not just for couples. If you are single and not dating in any way, you can still have a healthy sex life through your imagination and masturbation. That’s right, I said it – masturbation! It is a healthy, sensual and loving way to satisfy your needs. I would encourage you to even be intentional about it and not just seek the orgasm. Instead spend time loving your body, touching your body and making love to yourself. It is a great way to explore how you like to be touched and what makes you feel good. So if you are single and dating yourself, make sure you get lucky at the end of the evening! :-)

Now, I entitled this article The Art of Lesbian Sex because, just like art, sex is unique to the individual experiencing it. And, just like art, a fulfilling sex life requires creativity. So here are some tips to expand on your artistic side:

-- Try something new! You might consider trying something you've never done before. There’s such a wide range of things available to explore with the right one. Discuss ways to feel safe. For example, find a safe word that signifies to your partner that you want to stop, or that you no longer feel comfortable. Maybe you can have a sensual date with your partner by taking her to the adult toy store and just touching and playing with the things you see. Even if you don’t buy anything you’ll get a kick out of seeing what she likes.

--Explore your fantasies. Fantasies aren’t always meant to become a reality. Sometimes it’s the joy of fantasizing that can be arousing. Can’t come up with the most creative fantasies… You are in luck! There are experts who have done it for you. Grab an erotic book... Like maybe one by Claudia Moss, Robin G. White or Fiona Zedde.  I promise you, you will be wet by the end of chapter one.
--Be sure to talk about sex before you’re in the middle of sex. Nothing dries up a vagina faster than saying the wrong thing in the middle of sex. You will go from swimming the ocean wide to crawling in the desert before you know it. So don’t do it to yourself. Have some conversation outside of that precious moment. Discuss your likes and dislikes and your willingness/unwillingness to step out of your comfort zone. Be sure to help your beloved win at finding your sweet spot. This way everyone wins.

Great Links:

I honor you for taking the steps toward this LOVE REVOLUTION…Nya Akoma!

Imani Evans, MA
You can also find Imani at the Self-Care for Dynamic Women



    You have penned such an informative and revealing and open article, as delicious as the photos chosen to accompany it! I've enjoyed it so much, I must return and reread it...slower, intently. Needless to day, I LOVE it!
    It whets, sparks and percolates thought. It engenders creativity.

    Muchas gracias por incluirme!

    Thank you so much for including me. I am aflame just to be Present. You've incited a quiet, sensual fire, inspiring me to burn BRIGHTER, HIGHER in culling the Sapphic sensuality that courses through my veins, whispering its directives, its charges, its passion...and I willingly obey.

    This article is hot! Keep doing you...con fuego, caliente style.

    Now hear my sighs...YES, YES, YES!


    1. Thank you so much, Ms. Claudia! Yes, you know it is impossible to talk about erotic stories and words without acknowledging the masters of literary sensuality, such as yourself. ;-) I will keep it hot because I want to be just like you, queen.

  2. Indeed, the brain can bring you wonderful moments, but it also can spoil everything ;-)

    Thanks for this excellent article!

    Sally K.