What to do BEFORE the break-up...
As I was posting the most recent Happy Couple Highlight
interview conducted by CREATE LOVE co-founder, SharRon Jamison, I suddenly had a light
bulb moment; What about the unhappy couples who might be struggling to hold on and are looking for a lifeline? What
do we have for them? After all, those couples need our love and support
too. And I believe that just like the
African proverb says for children, it is also true for relationships…It takes a village to support a partnership. We at Create Love are your village!
I truly believe that if you are still in your relationship, then there is always hope to salvage your love even if it appears to be a mere shadow of what it once was. The key, as
always, is YOU. Do you still want to be
with your beloved? Now that is something I cannot answer for you. You will have to do some soul-searching for
that. What I can assist you with is some
guidance for what to do before you make that final decision to end your
relationship. Let’s look at it in terms of what to do and what not to do:
What not to do...
1. Don’t
over share your problems with people who do not affirm your relationship. Believe me, I understand she may have made
you angry as heck and you need to vent.
There is nothing wrong with that.
We all need someone to talk to when we are busting at the seams. Just make sure it is someone who loves the
both of you, or is willing to be loving of your choices. Because once you are no longer angry with
your sweetie, your confidant may not be so forgiving. For me, this is my mother. I love her dearly and she has my back, ride-or-die
style. But if I tell her too much about
my relationship she is only interested in me, even it means kicking my partner
to the curb. Then she will be on her way
from New Jersey to kick butts and take names (all wolf tickets by the way-- LOL).
2. Don’t
compare your relationship to others.
Wow…This is a big one people! We have all done it at times. We looked
at other couples and turned to our partners saying things like: “Why don’t you
hold the door for me?” “Why don’t you wear 4-inch heels?” Why don’t
we cuddle and hold hands in public?” And the list goes on and on. Yes, and if you haven’t done it
you have thought it. Here is the thing...You never really
know what is going on with other people who seem to have it all. They may have a piece of something you’d
like, but all that glitters isn't gold.
Trust me, as a counselor, I have worked with many couples who are great
at keeping up appearances, but are really struggling—or worse! It is fine to
admire, but do not covet. Instead focus
on what you are doing.
3. Don’t
mistake a new phase of love as a break-down. Some people are addicted to the romantic or
honeymoon phase of dating and loving.
This is the early stage of excitement when you get butterflies every
time she looks at you, giggle at everything she says, find her quirks adorable
and want to make love to her when she so much as grazes your shoulder. Yep, we all love that phase. It is exhilarating and mind-blowing! However
some women are only attracted to this phase and thus never seem to get beyond
one year with anyone. I get it but the
real-love phase is fantastic
too. In the real-love stage you can feel
more secure, solid and confident in the love that you've built. It happens after you have had an opportunity
to see love in action, through the good, bad and ugly—and sometimes the very
ugly. It is real love when she is able
to see you in all your glory and all your mess, but love and support you equally in both.
4. Don’t
ignore problems and expect them to magically disappear. I assure you this
doesn’t work. The words of forgiveness
can be said but she may not forget if it was never resolved. Saying I am sorry is only one part of what it
means to address issues. Problems may dissipate
for the moment, or get pushed to the back burner but they do not go away. Stuffing them or expecting your partner to
stuff them is unfair to the relationship.
Confronting your issues and resolving them is the only thing that makes
them truly disappear. The good news is
that you can disagree without dismantling communication. I will break this down in greater detail at
our upcoming CREATE LOVE conference.
Now let’s look at
what to do...
1. First and
foremost, do your own work. I’d love
to write this whole section in all caps because it is so incredibly crucial. It is not your partner’s responsibilities
to make you happy, read your mind, nor fix your emotional brokenness. You have to do your own work and be able to
see your stuff when it comes up. I have yet to meet the person who doesn't have
their own stuff. The most common place emotional baggage shows
up is in the things that trigger our extreme responses. In other words, the response to something
your partner does should be at a 4 (on a scale of 1-10), but it is a 9 because
it triggers something your ex did a few years ago, or the way your dad treated
your mom. This is an emotional trigger and the 4 belongs to your sweetie, but 5
goes to your ex. And that 5 is not your
partner’s responsibility. You have to
own it. Do the work so that you can meet
your partner’s needs without filtering them through your pain. Please hear me say that there is no crime in
having emotional baggage; We all do and it is simply what makes us human. It is however a crime of the heart to give up
on the love of your life because you are unwilling to deal with yourself.
2. Do schedule
time for relationship work. I really
cringe at the idea of relationships being work. I have never liked that saying. Instead the word intentional seems more accurate.
The word work sounds like love is laborious and arduous. I do not
believe that to be the case. However, you
cannot expect relationship fairies to magically appear and fix issues when the
time is right. Instead be
intentional. Make a conscious effort to
communicate likes, dislikes, feelings, fears and hopes. Ask for the time to do that. When you avoid doing so, you are failing your
relationship. You are not making it a priority.
3. Do seek a
unified vision. This is an essential element to longevity in my humble
opinion. A unified vision is a common
goal, or desire. It is something that
you hone in on as a couple that is bigger than the two of you, as individuals
and as a unit. A unified vision is
something that takes you out of thinking about your problems and bonds you to a
commitment of productivity. For some
couples the unified vision is a business, a shared hobby, or a spiritual
practice. Sometimes couples use raising their
children as the shared vision. This could be
okay if it is treated with that kind of intention and not the right of one
person over the other.
4. Do seek
professional help when it is needed. I have seen a lot of people think of
counseling like the place where “crazy” people go. It is not so.
Counseling can save your relationship, partnership, or marriage. It is a
viable option for many people. On the
other hand, I will tell you what I tell my clients…It is not magic. You will get out of it what you put into
it. But it is not the only option for
professional help. There are really
great books that you can read together to gain insight on your issues, that
offer tools for resolving problems and teach skills for communicating
difficult topics. Another option is to
seek spiritual counseling, if you share spiritual beliefs. Whatever you do you
should both be on the same page. And if
you love your mate, try to be open to whatever it might take to get over the
hump—before the break-up.
RESOURCES:
Remember it is a journey of progress, not perfection. I
honor you for taking the steps toward a LOVE REVOLUTION…Nya Akoma!
Namaste,
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