BEAUTIFUL COUPLE:
April Tate and Renee Knight from Carolina
How long have you
been together? April: Renee and I have been together for 8 years and married for 2
years.
How did you get
together/meet? Our first meeting wasn't the kind that fairy-tales are made
of. It was a games night and neither one of us wanted to play with each other.
If what they say is true, absence does make the heart grow fonder. After 5
months and another games night later, we were both ready to put our cards on
the table.
Why didn’t you want
to initially play with each other?
Renee: I felt that that she
was an intruder, and I did not want her there. I did not know that she was
coming. I felt that she would create havoc in my circle.
April: She was
giving me a “mean mug.” She was sizing me up. She thought that I was just a
young buck.
What made you ready
to put your cards on the table? Renee: She walked in the room and it was
like I was seeing her for the first time. She had a silent confidence and air
about her. She walked in the room without overpowering it. I didn’t realize
that it was the same person. She seemed more mature, not young like when I
initially met her.
What are the keys to
your success: There are a couple of keys to our success. First and foremost is communication. Over the years we have learned to talk about
everything. Not just when things are
tough, but even the things that we don't think matters. It has helped us to better understand each
other in ways we never imagined. We have
even started doing a relationship check-in from time to time. The check-in consists of 5 simple questions
and your answers don't have to just be about the relationship. They can be about things happening just for
you. It just gives you a way to share
your lives. The questions are:
1- What's bothering you? 2- What's making you happy? 3- What
are you looking forward to? 4- What accomplishments have you made (individually
or as a couple)? 5- What goals would you like to set (individually or as a
couple)?
How did you come up
with those specific questions? And how often do you check-in? April: We got
them from a couples retreat. A therapist said that she and her partner used the
questions with the “sandwich” effect. Give a positive/negative/positive. The
questions give us guidance. If we are extremely busy and life is happening too
fast, we check-in and sometimes we are surprised by what we share and learn. Renee: When we feel alone. When I feel
that she is doing ok and I am doing ok, but we have disconnected, we check-in.
We know it is time to re-connect when our conversations are short, we stop
having sex as often, and when we are not touching.
Great exercise, any more tips: Renee: Second,
with some work, we've improved our conflict resolution. Yes, communication plays a big part in that,
but it goes deeper. We've learned to ask
questions before we write the story, which is something we didn't do early in
our relationship.
What do you mean
about “writing the story” and what type of work did you do? Renee: We were
not stopping to ask what’s going on. We just assumed we knew. For example, if
you go somewhere without me, I will write a story that I am not attractive. April: I thought that writing the story
would protect me. I would assume the outcome, and act out. For example, I had
to go the hospital and I did not tell her. I did not call her because I assumed
that she would not come. I was trying to control the outcome because I did not
want to ask her to come, and maybe get disappointed.
Discuss how you deal
with and face challenges that might come up in your relationship? We have
learned to deal with challenges by being honest and open with each other. We've found that a lot of the challenges we
have are due to the fact that neither of us wanted to be vulnerable with each
other. We use to spend so much time
protecting ourselves that we weren't able to hear the other person. Now we listen and really hear each
other. That doesn't mean we don't get
mad and we don't get hurt. But we've
learned that even when that happens, we can still love each other in the midst
of it. And knowing that helps a lot!!!
Change is prompted by
a catalyst. What made you realize that vulnerability was an issue? Renee: We
starting realizing that it was a problem because the way we were protecting
ourselves made us hurt each other.
What role does
spirituality play in your relationship?
We're both spiritual people.
Early in our relationship, we didn't share that with each other. But that has changed. And sharing our love of God with each other
has only strengthened us as a couple. We
know that God brought us together and that he is guiding not just our
individual selves but our collective selves as well. We've found that connecting spiritually as a
couple, we've grown more intimate as well.
How did sharing
yourself spiritually affect you intimately? April: We talked about issues
and we pray about the issues. It makes us re-align ourselves. Renee: When we connect spiritually,
our intimacy goes to another level. It makes a difference.
What role does
sensuality and mutual attraction play in your relationship?
People say that they can tell by the way that we look at
each other how much we love each other.
It goes deeper than just a physical attraction. We are attracted to the physical, mental and
spiritual being. We have a strong
connection, rhythm with each other. And
when that connection or rhythm is off, we feel like we are missing a part of
ourselves. The beauty is that we are
always able to get back in sync.
What advice would
you give to other couples?
The advice we would share is to learn to communicate with
each other. That doesn't mean to just
talk to each other, but to really hear
each other. Also, don't be afraid to ask
for help, whether it’s with a counselor or someone from the church. Sometimes, a neutral person can help you see
the things you can't see on your own.
Keeping things "in the house" could lead to different
houses.
Remember that there should be two whole people in every
relationship. Sometimes, we have to work
on ourselves and in doing that, we improve the relationship. Creating a better ME, creates a better WE!!
Lastly, we would say surround yourself with people who
support your relationship. If someone is
bringing negative energy into your space, get rid of them. You are creating a loving relationship. Some people you have to love from a distance.
What does that
negative energy look or feel like? Renee: It looks like people who are unhappy in their
relationships and all they can do is to talk about what’s wrong in their lives
and their relationships. Misery loves company. We don’t allow that in our
space. April: When all of their
conversations are negative and they are always eager to hear about your hard times, I know that it is negativity.
Negative information travels quickly and if they are more excited about sharing
negative news, I know that they can’t be in our space.
What do you love most
about each other? April: I love her
heart and her spirit. She is always there for people. It took her a while for
her to take down her wall, but when she did, I saw that she has such a soft,
gentle soul. Renee: She’s so calm.
April is truly a laid back person and that helps calm me. I love that she is so
protective of me. She takes better care me than I do of myself.
What do you do to
remind each other of your love? Renee: I
cook her favorite meal, wear her favorite perfume and I still dress sexy for
her. April: Renee always takes care
of everybody else so I make sure to take care of her. I do the things that she might forget. I step up and fill the void, including
something as simple as packing or having her take her vitamins.
One word that
describes your relationship? April: Destined. Once we met, we had some
trials – heartache and hurt – but nothing broke us up. It was just God. Renee: Solid. I agree with what April
said.
(Interview conducted by SharRon Jamison)
Thank you, April and Renee, for sharing your love with us. We appreciate your time, energy and generosity in helping us CREATE LOVE!
Be sure to nurture YOUR LOVE at the Create Love! Conference on February 16th...More info.
Much love to you,
thank you for sharing. this couple has always been and continues to be an example for me.
ReplyDeleteJust beautiful.
ReplyDeleteLoved this part, "Yes, communication plays a big part in that, but it goes deeper. We've learned to ask questions before we write the story, which is something we didn't do early in our relationship." It's so true. We often create our own scenario in our mind of what we think is going on. This is great advice!
ReplyDelete