Saturday, July 20, 2013

THE FIRST 50 DATES: Tips for dating with success

You spend all day prepping for that sweet first date. You ponder what to say and strategize your coolest moves (or maybe that's just me). You pick her up and the chemistry is like fireworks. Yes! There is synergy between you and that tingling sensation takes over your whole body. That feeling of excitement in the pit of your stomach tells you that she just might be the one. The courtship begins. And if you are like most lesbians you accomplish more emotional depth in one year than other couples do in five. Now the question is, how do you start and stay healthy? This article is for you.

At Create Love we pay homage to those couples who have been able to stand the test of time, those couples who make it work against all odds. But we also truly value those new couples who really want to get it right from the start. I mean, who wants to keep going back to the drawing board every 2 to 3 years. The thrill of the chase is overrated and gets a little old for most of us as we get older. So I want to offer some tips for those women who want to begin a healthy, sustainable relationship. Here’s what to do in the courtship phase that will help you navigate to a strong foundation of love.

1. Be very clear about what you desire in a partner. Our likes and dislikes can be weighted. In other words, you may not like someone shorter or taller then you are, for example. On the other hand the desire to have honesty, integrity and chemistry might outweigh that preference. Realizing what you want in a mate requires some self exploration. It sounds simple but it is the one thing that too many women neglect. Then, once you are clear about what you want--be honest.

Too often women feel guilty about holding on to their desires and embracing what they truly want. So they force themselves into situations because it isn’t “nice” to say that. Listen, no one likes rejection. Yet it is a fact of life. Not everything is for everyone. The real travesty is pretending to feel something for someone who doesn’t meet your preferences.  News flash... You are not doing her any favors. Put your big girl britches on and tell the truth! That way you will walk away with your integrity intact, while getting out of the way for her to attract the person who adores her. You both deserve to have what you want. 
2. Ask meaningful questions and, wait for it... Listen to the answers! While this may sound extremely simple, I am certain that many of us get off track right here. Some of us ask questions but somewhere from her mouth to our ears the words are transmuted into exactly what we’ve always wanted to hear. In other words, we hear what we want not what is said. My simple prescription for that is – stop doing that. It is imperative to listen to the words coming out of her mouth. I am not sure who said it but there is a wonderful quote that says, “when people tell you who they are, believe them”. We cannot make someone be who we want them to be, or see only what we want to see.
3. Realize that vulnerability and authenticity are the cornerstones of building your emotional foundation. It is imperative that we choose partners who match our emotional presence in a relationship. Simply put, emotional presence is whether or not she can show up and be who she is – self actualization. Self-awareness is one component, but self actualization is about knowing who you are and then being that person. The readiness to be vulnerable and authentic means that you have a willingness to trust yourself and your potential mate. 
I know what some of you may be thinking--It isn’t easy to put your feelings out there and not have them reciprocated. I agree, emphatically. It isn’t easy, but it is neccessary. It is more detrimental is to hold back and not offer your whole self, while expecting the other person to be fully present, and pretending to be someone that you are not. It is analogous to building a beautiful brick house on top of a foundation made from plywood. It might hold for a moment but it cannot stand the test of time. You have to be willing to give her an opportunity to love you wholly. 
Click the link for a really great resource by Brene Brown on vulnerability. It has the potential to change your life. HERE
4. Figure out each other’s love language. The wonderful thing about relationship building is that people have been studying it and creating templates since the dawn of time. An awesome resource that I highly recommend is the Five Love Languages. Okay, so you will have to ignore the conservative overtones and the hetero-centrism threaded throughout the book, but if you can stay focused on the message I promise the benefits to your relationship will outweigh it all. The five love languages gives you a way to communicate your adoration on the same frequency as your mate. Any communication is only as effective as the ability for it to be received, regardless of how dynamic your elocution is. Well, communicating love is no exception. 
5. Be ye equally yoked, so says the Bible. Rest assured I am no expert-- by any stretch of the imagination--on the Bible. As a matter of fact, for transparency sake, I am Buddhist. But I accept all divine messages for my healing. And choosing a partner with whom I am equally yoked is certainly a message for us all, regardless of your spiritual or religious practices. The exact quote from the Bible is as follows:  
2 Corinthians 6:14
King James Version 
14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? 
On a practical level, being equally yoked is translated as choosing a partner that shows up in the world at the same vibration that you do. It is imperative to share core values and ideologies about life, but for me being equally yoked surpasses even that. We must have commonalities to get along. But being equally yoked is additionally about sharing a vibration of passion and purpose in life. It doesn’t mean that your mate has to do exactly what you do, not at all. Variety is the spice of life. However, your zest for life, enjoyment and life force must be met with mutuality and reciprocity. 
5. Finally, savor the courtship phase but don’t confuse its purpose. There is a plethora of research on the many stages of a relationship. I won’t
waste time breaking that down in this particular article. Suffice it to say that the initial phase sometimes called the romantic or enchantment phase is designed to allow us to fall in love. This phase, depending on which research you read, can last anywhere from six months to two years. But don’t make the mistake of confusing it for what your relationship will be like forever. 
In the romantic stage we find every little thing she does really cute. We say, "oh, look at my baby--when she burps it makes a funny sound". Yeah right! Then one year later you’re trying to figure out why she is annoying the hell out of you making that very same sound. LOL. There is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with her. You are just moving out of the romantic stage into real love. In the real love stage there are power struggles, revelations and disagreements but there is also trust, stability, consistency and dependability. We must find the joy in every stage for each has its purpose, to help us CREATE LOVE.
It is my greatest hope that these tips are useful to you in your journey to find the love of your life. The ultimate key to finding love is TO BE IT. I wish you immeasurable success on your journey.

Nya Akoma (Take Heart),
Imani Evans, MA


  1. Imani, I always enjoy your posts, not only the messages themselves -- but also the loving tone in which you deliver every single word.

    Thank you for this article.

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. It is always nice to get some feedback on our posts and blog content. We value your support. Peace!

  2. I was very encouraged to find this site. I want to thank you for this special post. I definitely savored every little bit of it and I have bookmarked it to check out new stuff your post.

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  3. This is so funny! I'm loving every second of this series. Thank you for online dating!
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