Growing Through Love

It’s our anniversary! Yes, that’s right my sweetheart and I are celebrating our 1-year anniversary today (that’s about 5 years in lesbian time-LOL).  And in good keeping with most authors, my personal life is fodder for my journalistic pursuits.  However, out of deep respect for the privacy of my union and high esteem for my dear partner, there will be no dishing or gossiping here.  Instead I will offer something far more significant…I am willing to share some lessons that may be useful for you in finding solace in your relationship.  I am offering up 3 very essential lessons that I have either learned, or have culminated, in this precious year long journey through love.  While I have been in other long-term relationships, 10 years and another for 5 years, this relationship has offered some wonderful opportunities to continue to evolve.  Some of the evolution has happened through maturity, and some of it is an intentional desire to be a better version of my relationship self.  So here are the lessons that I’d like to share with you:

1.  Be a work in progress:  I learned, probably the hard way, that I am a work in progress.  Every time I think that I have confronted all of my childhood wounds and adult hurts, there is yet one more holding on for dear life.  One tell-tell sign that you are still dealing with some old wounds is the repetitive relationship pattern that you just can't seem to shake.  You know, this is when you find yourself in the same type of dysfunctional relationship time and time again, despite your efforts to choose someone different.  Need I say it? The common denominator is YOU.  But it is not the conscious you...It is the wound little girl, or the hurt version of you that is still heartbroken.

Here is the key, avoiding pain only feeds its dysfunction.  In order to release hurt and wounds from the past you must be willing to turn and face them.  Deal with them and free yourself…Because you can run but you certainly cannot hide. And you, and your partner, will pay the emotional cost of avoidance.

2.  What we focus on magnifies: I learned that what we focus on magnifies.  Wow, this one is sometimes a hard pill to swallow.  Venting and complaining can feel so good at times.  While there is certainly a time and place for that, perseverating on thoughts that you actually don’t want is like sending the opposite message to the Universe.  For example, if you find yourself saying something like, “My partner never pays attention to me” over and over again, it will become exactly the experience you'll have.  Here’s why…The Universe is obedient.  It is anxiously awaiting an opportunity to give you exactly what you want (Most of you have heard this before, right? It is the Law of Attraction).  The Universe is obedient without flaw.  If you are focusing and complaining about not getting attention from your partner, it says, “Oh, your partner does not pay attention to you…perfect! We can do that”. Boom!…You get exactly what you wanted.

So remember as you are venting and constantly complaining to yourself and your BFF, you are also putting in an order to the Divine Universe.  Make a conscious effort to focus on what you want instead of what isn’t working.  To the example above, offer the Universe an affirmation that your partner is very attentive.  Speak it as if it is already in existence.  Then when you see her behavior align with that truth, acknowledge it with appreciation.  Next say a silent prayer of gratitude to the God of your understanding.  Finally, be intentional with your words!

3.  Love is not enough:  Yes, it is true! Love is not enough to sustain a long-term, fulfilling relationship.  This one may be the shocker for some.  Indeed, dear ones, it is not enough.  Love is a great foundation.  It is the must-have for the beginning phase, but alone it falls short of being sufficient. Think of building your dream home…It is analogous to building your house with only the concrete slab for a base.  What about the walls, the roof, etc? In the case of relationships, love needs a myriad of other ingredients: mutual respect, sweetness, communication, commitment, honesty, and whatever else each unique couple decides upon.  I do believe that the commitment to love is as imperative as the feeling of love.  Why? Well, there are days, if you are together long enough, wherein you will not feel head-over-heels with your sweetie.  Nothing is wrong, that is just the way it is. But you can always hold on to the covenant of commitment.  In those instances the commitment to love is much more relevant than the feeling of love.

So there you have it. I am excited to be celebrating my wonderful anniversary with you.  I hope my lessons will be useful for you, or at least inspire conversation with you and your mate.  We can all learn from one another and sharing my truth, while an often vulnerable place to be, is my way of contributing to the healing karma.  When I grow, you grow…When you heal, I heal.  We are all growing through the love we CREATE!

Nia Akoma!

(NIA-purpose/intention) (AKOMA-take heart)

Imani Evans, MA