Money, Money, Money, Money. If you ask couples what topics are the hardest to discuss, and
the hardest to resolve, I am sure that the topic of money will top the list. No question about it –talking about money is often times
a difficult conversation. In fact, the more couples argue over finances, the
higher the likelihood of divorce /and separation. Not good news! It is sad to
say but fighting over money can destroy and derail your relationship.
Even though we can’t discuss all of the reasons why
money conversations are problematic, I want to offer a few tips that I hope
will help you reflect on your own relationship with money. And after your
personal reflection, I hope you and
partner take time to uncover the cause of your own money disagreements because
managing money is necessary, but fighting over money isn’t.
Tip #1: Make sure your dollars make sense. In other words,
make sure you know what you are really fighting about because money discussions
are seldom about dollars and cents. If they were, money conversations would be
more financial, rational, and mathematical talks, and not the heated emotional
exchanges that rip relationships apart.
So how do you make sure that your
dollars make sense? First, be willing to talk about money before, during and after
you commit to a relationship, and accept that money conversations are a
necessary part of sharing your life and sharing
your love. I would even recommend having a bi-monthly or monthly
discussion about household finances.
Because even though it does not sound romantic, being in a relationship
requires business skills. It requires financial coordination, communication,
commitment and care.
So how do you get started?
Outline the household expenses and
decide how and who will pay what bills, and/or
decide who will pay what % of household bills. If it works best for you
to share an account, share. If it doesn’t,
don’t. Make sure whatever
arrangement you have is fair and equitable.
And most of all, be sure that the financial agreement works for both of
you. After you agree to a course of action, there should be NO changes unless
you both come back to the table and discuss and plan for the change. Why? Unilateral changes are not fair , and most of
all, they chip away at trust.
It also make senses that the
partner who is better at handling and managing money, accept a bigger role in
handling the joint finances. Don’t get upset, it just makes sense. Just think
about it- If you have trouble balancing your own checkbook and your wife is a
CPA, why shouldn’t she handle the money?
Remember whoever is better at something
should be responsible for it. That rule not only applies to money, but it
applies to all functions in a relationship. Why? Because capitalizing on each
other’s strengths and covering each other’s weaknesses is a sign of a healthy relationship; it is a
sign of a true partnership. But if that does not work for you, I would at least
recommend writing a list of financial
tasks and allocate them between the two of you based on your expertise,
experience and your desire.
In summary, both partners should be informed about the
household expenses and both partners should be involved, even if they are
involved differently. Both should have a
say and a role in decisions about expenditures and large purchases. Both
parties should have information about shared accounts, passwords and pins. And
information about private accounts should be written down somewhere. That way
if something happens to one partner, the other is not left in the dark about financial
matters.
Tip 2: Make sure you don’t equate money with power. Make no mistake about it, some money arguments are
about power and control. And even though people won’t admit it, many of us
believe and subscribe to the Golden Rule:
Whoever has or makes the most gold, rules.
I hate to admit it but when I was in my twenties, I bought into that
concept. I thought that since I made the most money I got to dictate how many
was spent. Wrong!! I was wrong and
unfortunately many other couples are wrong too.
So just to set the record
straight -money should never be used to control, manipulate or force a partner
to do anything. Why? It breeds resentment, mistrust, frustration and jealously.
And if you are using money to dominate your partner, don’t mistake her temporary
compliance for acceptance. Honestly, you better watch you back because nothing
taints a relationship more than manipulation and domination. And eventually,
your partner will grow weary of being controlled and leave you and your money
behind.
Tip 3: Make sure what you value is really valuable. What’s valuable? Trust is valuable and every time you
fail to adhere to an agreed upon budget, you are chipping away at your
partner’s trust. Trust me, financial
fidelity is just as important as sexual and emotional fidelity. And if your
partner can’t trust you to properly manage money, or to go to the mall without
buying 10 pairs of shoes, or to have a credit card without it burning a hole in
your hand, or to stick to a budget, your relationship is in trouble. And lying
about purchases is just as deadly too.
Because even if your partner does not immediately see the purchase, when they
find out that you did not honor your word, trust may be irrevocable broken. As
my grandmother use to say, trust takes a long time to earn and little time to
lose. So, is the purchase really worth it?
Not only is trust valuable,
respect is also valuable. And trust and
respect usually go hand in hand. But here is a dose of reality - partners
usually don’t meet at exactly the same financial time in their lives. Honestly, it is rare that partners earn the
same amount money, have the same amount
in savings, have the same amount in debt, or have the same amount of financial savvy. Most couples just don’t so there is bound to
be some financial inequality. And even if we don’t want to admit it, if not
handled and discussed effectively and empathetically, financial inequality can
result in resentment, jealously, anger and disrespect. Why? Because nobody
wants to feel as if they are in a lopsided or one-sided financial relationship.
But here is something to consider. If you are in a
relationship for the long run, then who makes the most money is essentially
irrelevant as long as one partner does not expect the other to assume responsibility for the
debt they brought into the relationship. Yes, you can help eliminate each
other’s debt, but it should never be expected that you will assume
responsibility for it. Keep in mind that you are agreeing to a relationship,
not a personal bail-out.
But it also important to consider this - Maybe one
partner earns more money, but the other likely adds value in non-monetary
ways. And after counseling many couples,
I have found that is usually the case. So here is an exercise that can help.
List everything you both do to make sure that the household functions
effectively and efficiently, and then review your list. I am sure you will see
that you both contribute equally, but differently. If there is a great
disparity in income and in household workload, I predict that there are
additional issues in the relationship that are preventing reciprocity.
Tip 4: Money
does not make you. Money does not make you happy ,sad, smart, funny, or
anything else. You are who you are. Money gives you 2 things: options and access.
It give you options to purchase homes, education, clothes, travel, etc. It also
gives you access to services, events and people that you never had before. But
money is not you; it is a means of exchange, a way to transact business, and a
system of measurement. But it is not you.
Unfortunately, some people base their self-worth on their
net worth. And when their money is gone, they no longer feel valuable, useful
and significant. Others use money as a way bolster their low self-esteem or as
an
entrée’ into a new social class. But if money defines you, you are headed
for heartache because money does not have emotional or spiritual transforming
power. And if you only like someone or stay in an unfulfilling relationship
because of money, you are robbing yourself of an opportunity to experience true
love with someone else. I know that you have heard this before…..money can’t
buy you love. It may buy you temporary physical comfort, but the heart and
spirit will not be deceived.
So if you are financially well off, great. Celebrate
that. But if you are depending on your financial portfolio to compensate for
something you lack emotionally and spiritually, you will be disappointed. And
if you are depending on your money to attract a mate, watch out. If you use
your money as bait you will only attract gold diggers, opportunists, parasites and users. And none of those
personality types are partnership material. We all need money, but money alone
will not make you or solidify your
relationship. So remember what money is- a means for exchange. It is something
to spend, save and share.
Tip 5: Money does
not equal love. Receiving
expensive gifts can feel like love but it is not. Even if your Love Language is
receiving gifts, using money as the sole indicator of someone’s love sets you
and them up for failure. Why? Because what happens when the money is gone? Do
you stop loving? The adage is true….the best gifs in life are free. Gifts like
listening, hugging, sharing, patience, understanding, helping, affirming, and the
list goes on. Don’t get me wrong, gifts are wonderful. I love receiving gifts
myself. But what many people remember
most is not the gift, it is how the gifts made them feel.
I realize that some people were raised in
families where expensive presents were a sign of love, affection, and care. I
realize that we all like gifts because gifts let us know that someone is thinking
about us. I get that. But regardless of how we were raised, it is important to
remember that money is a tool that can be used to express love. But, Money IS
NOT love.
Are most money discussions
hard? Yes, but they don’t have to be if
approached with honesty, openness and clarity. So before, during and after
committing to your partner, talk about money. Talk about how you handle money,
your goals with money, how you spend money, how you invest money, how you share
money, how you donate money, how you value money. Talk and keep talking. We all
need to handle money, but just be sure that money is not handling you.
Blessing as you continue to
CREATE Love!
SharRon
Jamison
Author of
I Can Depend on Me
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