Friday, March 29, 2013

How To Choose a Beautiful Mate...

This article is not what you think. There will be no quick tips on getting the prettiest woman in the room. But you knew that, I am sure. Instead I would like to share some ideas about the lens through which we choose to see the beauty in our mates. Everything is not for everybody and we all have preferences. There is nothing wrong with that – really. But there is something wrong with misunderstanding that the assessment of beauty is an intrapersonal endeavor.

I am certain that most of you have heard the quote credited to Margaret Wolf Hungerford, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". There is another that seems also appropriate for this discussion, "beauty in things exists merely in the mind which contemplate them", by David Hume. Now how do we extrapolate this truth to us, the modern lesbian? This brings me back to my original point of choosing a beautiful mate. The simplicity of it is to first realize that whatever you behold as beautiful is solely based on your subjective vision to perceive it. Thus, the determination of beauty is much more a reflection of YOU than it is about the person before you...My how that changes things!

Everything we see gets filtered through a lens of our experiences, values, wounds, joys and beliefs. Our vision is an illusion meant to confirm the stories we have told ourselves. It is truly a journey of self-discovery to choose the beauty we see in our mates. Are you ready to embrace that journey? I would like to propose 3 simple ways to forever see beauty in your sweetie:
1. Find the most vulnerable and insecure place in the heart of your partner and, with compassion, find the beauty in it. If you are able to love and adore her in that space, you will always see her beauty. Then her confidence and her glow will become icing on the cake. In other words, can you imagine a personal filter that will allow you to see more beauty in the thorn than in the rose? When you can do that then the glory of the rose gets magnified, but it is gratuitous. Linger in that space for a moment. Challenge yourself to change the lens of your vision. 
2. Beauty is more visible when you are intentional to find it. There is a really great commercial on the OWN network that illuminates this fact perfectly. It is a commercial where random people on the street are asked to grab a frame and frame the beauty they see as they walk the streets. Overwhelmingly people report seeing more beauty than they would have otherwise. It is a powerful testament to the effort to seek what we want to see. If you look for flaws then you will most certainly find them. On the other hand, if you look for beauty then you will find that too. 
3. Have a sense of clarity about your own beauty. It is human nature to measure things with our own lives as the litmus test. You have probably seen the type of woman who walks in the room and starts to assess everyone in it. She is always looking for who is bigger, smarter, smaller, thinner, prettier, etc. Unfortunately, we are socialized as American women to engage in this self-centered, self-defeating behavior. It makes me sad. It is a lack mentality. It is based on a scarcity of self; we're not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough and the list goes on. We have embodied this practice as if it represents the truth. It does not.
There has been a great deal of scientific research on what humans find beautiful. The research determined that we, humans, are attracted to symmetry.  This may be true, but I challenge you to go against the grain and find beauty in the abstract and asymmetric.  Find beauty in difference--for that takes far more courage and creativity.

In summary the key to choosing beauty in your mate is threefold: seek it, see it, be it. It is my greatest hope that this article resonates with your spirit and that you find beauty in everything you see. I honor your journey to create love and see beauty in all things.

Nya Akoma!
Imani Evans, MA

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