Yvonne is the pastor/founder of Restoration Temple Ministries and
is a regional leader in an affirming denomination. Tiffany is the church
administrator of RTM and serves faithfully with Yvonne.
How long have you been together? We have been together for 3 years, and married
for 2.
How did you get together/meet? We met in the Lord’s Church!
What was the initial attraction?
Yvonne: I was
attracted to the Spirit of God on the resonated on the inside of her. God gives
us discernment but many times we are attracted to things that do not have
substance. We have been conditioned and raised to look on the outside. But the
very moment I saw Tiffany, my spirit leaped and I felt connected to her. When
you are in tuned to the Spirit, you know. My spirit was immediately connected
to her spirit.
Tiffany: I was attracted to the way she carried herself and her bold love for God. When I met Yvonne, it was evident that she loved God. I saw the spirit of God in her. I had longed for a person who loved God and had a relationship with God. Meeting her was unexpected, but I embraced it. And, I am glad that I did.
What would you say is the key to the success of your relationship?
Yvonne: We have strong communication, and we understand each other’s language.
More importantly, Christ is at the center of our marriage. We are best friends,
companions, prayer partners, soul mates.
Can you share more about understanding each other’s
language?
Yvonne: We all have a way of
communicating, and I learned what worked for her. I learned what makes her
happy and sad. There were things that I had to sacrifice and compromise on. I
had to learn to be very patient and that I don’t always have to talk. Listening
is the key and the operative word. By listening, I learned how to prevent augments.
Tiffany: It really does help when you are equally yoked. I can say “let’s pray
about it”, and that helps that we speak that same language. What's interesting
is that your significant other's primary language may be completely different
from yours. I’ve learned to recognize Yvonne's language and it has been key in
avoiding mishaps and unnecessary arguments. We recognize the potential and we
leave room for differences of opinions or judgment. I believe being equally
yoked balances our languages which are both unique, but at the same time
different.
Why do you think partners stop being friends?: Yvonne: I think partners miss the fact that there are
different elements and components of people. People are not one dimensional; Tiffany
is multi-dimensional. But, people fail to nurture the friendship, and they end
up not being friends. It is important to date and meet for coffee. It is
important that we talk as friends – and not discuss anything that has to do
with the church or spirituality. We try to separate the elements – wife,
friend, worker, aunt, pastor, etc. Tiffany is my security and I trust that what
I tell her will be held in confidence. That’s a friend. Tiffany: I believe there is a lack of cultivation and
nurturing the aspect of the friendship in a relationship. If people neglect
their responsibility as a friend then you've lost a critical part of what
ultimately drew you together. More time needs to be invested in exploring the
friendship, feeding the friendship and protecting the friendship.
Discuss how you deal with and face challenges that might
come up in your relationship?
Tiffany: We are very attentive to each other’s
position on a particular matter. We agree to disagree. We improvise when
necessary. We discuss the issue, listen to one other’s position and we decide
what will be the best decision for us both. We pray together on a daily basis,
and we ultimately seek God for His solution.
Yvonne: When dealing with challenges, many couples go
outside of their relationship. The misconception is that somebody else has the
solution. There are times when we disagree but then we pray for discernment.
Instead of hearing from others, we first try to hear from God. Tiffany: We have a room in our home and
whatever we discuss in the room, we leave it there. We don’t take it to other
rooms. Also, it is important not to rush to resolution; it’s ok to take your
time to process stuff for yourself. If you don’t, you are utilizing someone
else’s perspectives instead of your own. Yvonne: That’s why open-minded communication
is so important. Be open with your individual feelings. You are an individual
first.
What is the hardest challenge you have encountered as a
couple?
Tiffany: The hardest challenge is having a church because I have to
ensure that I maintain balance between Yvonne my wife, and Pastor Harrison. To
do that, we make sure we pray and communicate. Sometimes, we have to spend time
away from the church too.
Yvonne: The hardest challenge for me was being
married and trying to start a family. We are both up in age, and the biggest
challenge was trying not to be a pastor during the conception process. I wanted
to be just another woman walking by her side during the process. I was able to
let go of what always works for me and just be there for her. I wanted her to
see me as a friend – not her minister, her pastor or her wife. I wanted her to
see that I was someone who could face challenges and pain with her. Learning
how to be her friend brought us closer together as women. I was able to sense every
thought, emotion, etc. It was a challenge for me but I realized that sometimes
she needed my presence, not a word.
Tiffany: The hardest thing I have
encountered is realizing her purpose, calling and destiny is far greater than
the scope of our marriage. God joined us together so that I can lift and propel
her to her destiny. The adjustment to her being in high demand was difficult
and challenging. However, once God revealed what my purpose was in assisting
her, while not losing my own identity, helped me to manage the trouble and turn
it into an opportunity.
As a pastor and as a leader in a major spiritual community, what
role does spirituality play in your relationship? Yvonne: We are both equally
vocal when it comes to spiritual significance. Within the Church, I am her
Pastor. Outside of church, she is my Pastor. She keeps me spiritually focused;
she makes sure I am spiritually prepared. I look to her for guidance. I always
need for her to refill my cup when runs it empty from pouring out to others.
What does that mean to be her pastor?: I am the pastor and
her shepherd. She is the congregant. She entrusted me as a wife, but also
entrusted me with her soul. I am there to teach and disciple her. At home,
she’s my pastor because every pastor needs a pastor. Tiffany is my wife and she
is able to pour into me. She is there to give me encouragement because a being
a pastor is a very lonely place. I am her pastor because of the level of
accountability that she holds me to. But, she lets me know that I am Yvonne at
home first.
Tiffany, how do you deal with female parishioners who are
inappropriate? There will always be people who come to church for the wrong
reasons. Sometimes I feel that people get blinded because she is very friendly
and generous. She has a pastor’s heart. I never feel threatened and I know that
attacks are always there. But God protects us from many things. You will always
have people who will try you but you have to learn to love them anyway.
What role does sensuality play in your relationship?
Yvonne: Sensuality is extremely important. We realize that we are
triune beings. We have to ensure that we live a well-balanced life. We are
attentive to each other’s overall needs. It is a very integral part in the
overall health of our relationship.
Some churches have difficulty connecting spirituality and
sexuality. What is your perspective? Tiffany: Some pastors think that they are
so deep and so close to God that they don’t believe that their spouses are
important. Some same-gender loving
pastors have internal struggles dealing with what the Bible says. Their spouses
actually become just companions and they don’t engage in sexual activity.
Yvonne:
Some Christians feel that sex is taboo. If sex is talked about in a way that is
classy and healthy, it is ok. You first must be comfortable with who you are.
Some struggle with internalized homophobia and that’s unfortunate. God wants us
to be in good health and that means maintaining quality and healthy
relationships. Old school people hid sex from us, but that part of a
relationship is also important.
How do you keep romance in your relationship?
Yvonne: God
has naturally created us with feelings, sex drives and the need for intimacy.
God created us to satisfy those desires. We are very romantic – we have candlelight
dinners, go out to eat, etc. We do little things too – we text creative,
private and personal messages to each other. I believe that intimacy is not just
sex. It is what leads up to the sex. I want Tiffany to always know that I think
that she is sexy, beautiful, etc. We try to remain intimate to keep the flames
going.
Tiffany: It is absolutely important to have romance in your relationships.
It makes the marriage healthy and it helps to feel loved. Yvonne brings me
flowers, edible arrangements and draws my bath. In our relationship, we both do
for each other. There is no role-playing.
What advice would you give to other couples?
Yvonne: Each individual should be his or her own individual. Develop
a vision for your relationship. Attempt to answer the question “Why did God put
you together?” What is your responsibility to the community? The world? The
Church? Make sure you define your own purpose, and destiny. Make sure to define
what God expects from the relationship. Always remain open, honest and
transparent with one another.
Why do you think transparency such an issue in love?
Yvonne:
A lot of us have been so hurt, so disrespected that our current partners are
receiving the backlash. Some relationships could last if people were totally
healed from the prior relationships. If we spent time healing from the scars,
pains and wounds, our relationships could survive. Sometimes we approach people
with our guards up; sometimes we push people away. We don’t take the time to
ask “who am I” and “what are my weaknesses”. Tiffany: You can’t be afraid of
what your spouse will think of you. You can not be afraid of their response.
People are afraid to be transparent because they don’t want to look weak or
scared. They are scared that their partner will point out a character flaw. To
be transparent, you can not be afraid of losing that, you got to be honest.
What did you have to learn to be successful in your
relationship?
Tiffany: I had to learn to be submissive. In my past relationships
I was always very independent. I am the oldest of five children, and I always
had to take the initiative. I was used to doing things on my own. I had to learn
that I didn’t always have to be in control. I understand that Yvonne is the pastor,
and I trust her because I know that she trusts God. Being that she follows God,
it is easy to be more submissive. As long as she is accountable to God, I can
go along with her. But there are times when I have to ask God to help me. I ask
God to help me be patient and help me with things that I don’t understand.
Yvonne: I had to learn that finding someone who loved God
more than they loved me was important. My
other relationships were difficult because of that. I had to learn how to love
unconditionally. Unconditional love is what God requires, and that is what I
have with Tiffany. I also had to learn to let go. What I have learned about
partnerships is that God will send someone to cover your weaknesses so it was
important for me to value her voice, place, etc. It is important that I respect
her ability and give her opportunity to walk in her power. Her discernment is
important to me, and I value and trust her. I know that she will say the right
things and I appreciate that.
What has your relationship taught you most about yourself?
Yvonne: That I was unaware of true love. I really didn’t
believe that someone could love “more” than I love. My relationship has taught
me that I was afraid of “real” love. God had to reveal to me that it was okay
to be loved unconditionally.
Tiffany: That I am equipped for the gift that God has given
me in Yvonne.
What does “equipped” mean to you? I didn’t just marry
Yvonne. I married Yvonne, the minister
who has a ministry and a responsibility to God’s people. God really equipped me
for this because I have been in the church for so long. I understand that this
a whole lot bigger than I thought. I sometimes ask myself the question, “am I equipped
for this?” But, I know that God has equipped me and to God be the glory!
What one word describes/characterizes your relationship?
Yvonne: Fruitful! Every marriage should glorify God, because every marriage is
a ministry. When you have authentic relationship, and are open an honest, the
relationship will be healthy. And when the relationship is healthy, it allows
growth. I always ask myself “What can God get from this?” because if a
relationship can enhance or help, it is worthy. I recognize that Tiffany and I
are role models and we know that people are coming behind us and watching us. I
don’t want same-gender relationships to become statistics so I understand that
Tiffany and I are on assignment. We want to change perceptions about same-sex
relationships, so we have to be public.
Tiffany: Spiritual! God is the head and if God wasn’t part
of our marriage, there would be no marriage. We have different personalities
and characteristics, but we know that God is a part of it. If God wasn’t a part
of it, we would not have seen each other. This is the best relationship that I have
been it. I have the most fun, feel the most loved, and give the most love. We
are built for each other. It is not always easy, but God works on our behalf.
It is definitely a ministry and I feel blessed.
You can also find Tiffany and Yvonne at:
Restoration Temple Ministries:
http://www.rtmnyc.org
http://www.rtmnyc.org
Look for Yvonne’s
soon to be released book: The Pain, The Process & The Promise
Interviewed by SharRon Jamison
We thank you for your participation.
Nya Akoma!
Imani Evans, Create Love / Founder
SharRon Jamison, Create Love / Co-Founder
We thank you for your participation.
Nya Akoma!
Imani Evans, Create Love / Founder
SharRon Jamison, Create Love / Co-Founder
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