One of our greatest emotional needs is to be and/or feel heard. And not only is feeling heard an emotional
need, but being/feeling heard is one the key ingredients to a loving, lasting
relationship. Why? Because feeling heard speaks to our need to feel valued,
respected, accepted and worthy. Being
and feeling heard reminds us that we are cared for, considered, appreciated,
and most of all, loved. So how do you
make sure that you hear your partner? First, you give her your undivided
attention and then you give her your E.A.R.
The first step in making sure your partner feels heard,
giving her your E.A.R., is to practice EMPATHY.
Empathy is the ability to imagine yourself in your partner’s shoes and the
ability to see the world through her eyes. It is the ability to put your
judgments, perspectives, interpretations and feelings aside in order to
emotionally and spiritually connect with her. Empathy is often times confused
with sympathy. Both words imply feelings, but the words are very different,
especially when it comes to our love relationships. Sympathy means that I feel for you. It is like telling your partner, “I don’t
really understand your problem/issue and I don’t actually appreciate its impact
on you but, but I am sorry for your experience”. But, empathy is different. Instead of saying
I feel for you, empathy says
I feel with you. Empathy says
I understand the situation/event/problem and I understand the emotions
that the situation/event/problem is causing you. It is a way of validating your partner’s
feelings and experiences. Believe me, practicing empathy takes work. Empathy
requires that you are intentional and emotionally present when communicating
with your partner. It is an active process and it requires your participation,
patience and big doses of love.
Relationship experts agree that empathy is the oil that
keeps relationships running smoothly. It is the bridge that keeps you connected
with your partner. It is practice that determines the depth of your
intimacy. But even though being empathetic
is so helpful and healing in our relationships, many of us struggle to
regularly practice it with our love ones.
Why do we struggle? Because many of us have not been taught how to be
empathetic. Some of us have never seen it
modeled. And the ones of us that have seen empathy modeled often confuse being
empathetic with agreeing, accepting or approving what someone is saying or feeling. But being empathetic does not mean that you
agree, accept or approve of everything that your partner is saying. It does not
mean that you are endorsing and supporting her position or perspective. But it
does mean that you are supporting her and that you are not discounting her or
her feelings. It simply means that you appreciate what she is saying or seeing,
and that you understand that she has feelings about it.
So what is a good empathy formula to use with your
partner? There are many, but here is an
effective empathy formula/rule that has worked for many of the couples that I
have had the honor to work with. The
rule/formula goes like this - content (situation, experience, event) + feelings
= empathy and
being understood. And, remember being understood does not occur
until your partner feels or says
that she has been understood. Also try to refrain from the following
statements. They may make your partner feel invalidated and minimized.
- That’s not true
- No, you don’t feel that way or you shouldn’t feel that way
- That’s crazy
- It cannot be that bad or it cannot be that hard
- There’s nothing to be concerned about
- You are overreacting
- That’s all or Really?
The second practice of giving your partner your E.A.R is to ASK questions. Simple thing to do right? Maybe or maybe
not. Asking questions should be easy to
do, but in my experience as a relationship counselor, couples do not
consistently ask questions. Or, if they ask questions, they fail to ask the
right questions that identify issues, uncover core needs, or expose hidden
desires. Unfortunately, some partners even assume that they know what the other
is thinking. They think that they know what the other is going to do, say and
feel. They assume! And we all know what
the other meaning of assume is, ass-u-me. Asking questions is critical to
learning your partner. And the longer you are with your partner, the more
intentional you have to be to ask questions. Why? Because people are constantly
changing, growing and evolving; they are not stagnant. Her core values and her
core identify may not change, but her perspectives and perceptions may change.
Her feelings may change. Remember that we are all under-construction, and we
are all hopefully maturing and growing. So first show empathy, and then ask questions. And if you want to add a
cherry on top, provide assurance
too.
Let’s consider this scenario.
Partner 1: I am so tired. You never help me. Partner 2: Baby, I am so sorry that you
are tired, but most of all, I am sorry that you feel that I don’t help you. I
don’t want you to feel that way. What am I not doing? Or How can I provide support?
OR
How can I be more helpful?
Then add some assurance:
I love you! Or I want you to always know that I am here for
you.
By showing empathy, asking questions and by confirming your
love, you can turn a debate into a discussion, a confrontation into a
conversation and fear into faith. Believe me, the formula works and your
partner will feel heard and also loved.
The third practice of giving your partner your E.A.R. is to RESPOND. This is tricky because
responding the wrong way can negate all of your initial hard work. Depending on
your partner and depending on the situation, she may just need you to listen.
Or, she may want you to take action. But
whatever you do, ask enough questions so that you understand how you need to
show up so that she feels loved and supported. And by all means, be aware of
common “communications stoppers”.
Communication stoppers such as giving unsolicited advice, explaining
your perspective, getting defensive, blaming, shaming, criticizing, overacting,
judging, shutting down or trying immediately to make her feelings go away. And
most of all, don’t respond with something about you. For example, it is not
helpful to say something like “”oh, I know just how you feel. The other day
that happened to me…..” Remember, this is about your partner, not you. Anything
that you can do to keep the conversation flowing and open gives you an
opportunity to learn more and connect better with your partner. And better
connection usually results in deeper intimacy, IN-2-Me-C.
After E.A.R., it is solution, resolution or action time. It
may be time to compromise or negotiate with your partner. The advantage is that
through E.A.R., you know the issues and her emotions. You have the information
you need to help you navigate the exchange with more success, more patience,
greater insight and more love. Just
think about it. E.A.R. is similar to crafting a plan and strategy. When you
know all of the variables, you generally have greater success. The E.A.R. approach sets you up for
productive conversations, and consequently, relationship success.
Remember hearing is ability, but listening is a skill. It is
skill that all of us could use a little more practice. So practice on your
friends and family to sharpen your listening, your E.A.R, skills so when your
partner needs you to listen, you are able to make her feel heard. Keep in mind
that healthy marriages and relationships don’t just happen, they are CREATED.
They are created by you and me. So if you want to CREATE a relationship that
brings fulfillment and satisfaction to your life, listen and give your partner
your E.A.R. She deserves it and so do
you!
We look forward to sharing more relationship tips in
February. Remember that early registration ends next week. Imani Evans and I
hope to see you there!
Blessings!
Create Love, Co-Founder
Author/Speaker/Minister
(Book: I Can Depend On Me)
Be sure to nurture YOUR LOVE at the Create Love!
Conference on February 16th...More info
Awesome article for ANY couple! Thank you
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